Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part eighteen. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):
25.) Johnny (Daniel Day-Lewis), to his boyfriend: “There ain’t nothing I can say to make it up to you. There’s only things I can do to show you that I am with you.” (My Beautiful Laundrette, 1985)
24.) Karen (Rebecca Hobbs), a psychologist interviewing a serial killer: “Who are the visitors?” Simon (Paolo Rotondo): “My victims.” Karen: “Your victims? And do they all come visiting together?” Simon: “All of them.” Karen: “Is it like a big picnic?” Simon: “Don’t fucking belittle me.” Karen: “Then stop trying to bullshit me. You’re being visited by a bunch of dead corpses? And you keep killing, so there’s more of them to harass you next time.” (The Ugly, 1997)
23.) [Lester (Jason Mewes) is filming a sex scene while drinking from a mug] “This is some damn good coffee!” (Zack and Miri Make a Porno, 2008)
22.) [Sol and his friends are filming a low-budget horror movie in his parents’ house] Sol’s mom (Jo Farkas): “Sol, dear, the neighbors want to know when you’re gonna stop screaming.” (Shock Value, 2014)
21.) “Can a person live without a jawbone?” “What do you think?” (Ju On: The Curse, 2000). [Not sure who says this in the movie; I didn’t write the speakers in my notes when I watched this thirteen years ago–I just found the paper in my old writing stuff.]
20.) Tony (Ralph Fiennes): “If I don’t get my money back by Monday, what I do to both your faces will definitely be Cubist!” (The Good Thief, 2002)
19.) [Dr. Loomis is on a talk show along with Weird Al Yankovic] David, the host (Chris Hardwick), to Loomis: “Now you’ve been criticized and in some circles, I gotta say outright accused, of profiteering off the misery of others–I mean, how do you even respond to that criticism?” Weird Al: “Well, you know, I think that’s completely unfounded, I always get permission when I do the parody.” (Halloween II, 2009)
18.) [Aron (James Franco) is stranded in the desert after he gets trapped under a rock, and is having a conversation with himself] Aron as talk show host: “Now is it true that despite or maybe because you’re a big fucking hard hero you didn’t tell anyone where you were going?” Aron, as himself: “Yeah, that’s absolutely correct.” Aron, as talk show host: “Anyone?” Aron, as himself: “Anyone.” Aron, as talk show host: “Oops.” (127 Hours, 2010)
17.) Dave (Chase Williamson): “Say you have an ax, just a cheap one from Home Depot. On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don’t worry, the man’s already dead. Maybe you should worry, cause you’re the one who shot him. He’d been a big twitchy guy with veined skin stretched over swollen biceps, tattoo of a swastika on his tongue. And you’re chopping off his head because even with eight bullets in him, you’re pretty sure he’s about to spring back to his feet and eat the look of terror right off your face.” (John Dies at the End, 2012)
16.) Tip (Rihanna): “Pee break.” Oh (Jim Parsons): “I too needs to break pee.” (Home, 2015)
15.) Louis (Aiden Longworth): “Pascal made the mistake that all men make. He thought that because Mommy is so beautiful, then she must be good.” (The 9th Life of Louis Drax, 2016)
14.) Gidget (Jenny Slate), pummeling Ozone (Steve Coogan) for information: “Don’t look at him! Look at me! Nobody can help you! Where…is…Max?” Ozone: “Okay, okay! He’s in the sewers! He got taken! Please, have mercy, adorable puppy dog!” (The Secret Life of Pets, 2016)
13.) Sgt. Lucas (Yasiin Bey, AKA Mos Def), to Walter (Kevin Bacon), a convicted pedophile, describing a young murder victim who was violently sexually abused: “She was so small, just broken. I saw 20-year veterans on that job. Hard guys, they just broke down and cried. I was there, I cried. There ain’t no fucking woodsmen in this world.” (The Woodsman, 2004)
12.) Steven (Dylan Baker) is trying to discreetly bury a body in his yard, when he’s loudly interrupted by his son Billy (Connor Christopher Levins): “Daddy really has to finish the gardening. So go watch Charlie Brown, and I’ll be in in a minute.” Billy: “Charlie Brown’s an asshole!” Steven: “Billy Wilkins! Language!” [Resumes burying the body] (Trick ‘r Treat, 2007)
11.) Captain Sharp (Bruce Willis): “With all due respect, you can’t let your children stab people.” (Moonrise Kingdom, 2012)
10.) Hannibal (Ron Perlman) [having just forcibly extracted himself from a kaiju after being eaten by it] “Where is my goddamn shoe?” (Pacific Rim, 2013)
9.) Cam (Mark Ruffalo), to his daughters after they refuse to go boating with him: “Well, I guess I’ll just tell the Charles River to go fuck itself.” Amelia (Imogene Wolodarsky): “Well, I have heard the Charles River is a real asshole.” (Infinitely Polar Bear, 2014)
8.) Luz (Michelle Rodriguez): “I thought Machete don’t text.” Machete (Danny Trejo): “Machete loves everybody.” (Machete Kills, 2013)
7.) John (John C. Reilly), drunkenly calling himself an ogre: “What are you doing here in the forest with Shrek?” Molly (Marisa Tomei): “I was gonna pee in the bushes, and you took my spot.” (Cyrus, 2010)
6.) [Being chased by a crazed record executive] Aaron (Jonah Hill): “This is the longest hallway of all time!” Aldous (Russell Brand): “It’s Kubrickian!” (Get Him to the Greek, 2010)
5.) [It’s the 1950s, and most of the residents of a privileged neighborhood are aghast when a Black family moves in] Margaret: (Julianne Moore): “Honey, that Mayers family’s got a little boy your age up there on that porch. Why don’t you hop on over there and take him for baseball.” Nicky (Noah Jupe): “Mom, do I have to?” Rose (also Julianne Moore): “Don’t look at me.” Margaret: “Nicky! You take that little colored boy and play him some baseball.” (Suburbicon, 2017)
4.) Josefina (Giovanna Zacarías): “We are not in this life to be comfortable or to be satisfied.” (We Go On, 2016)
3.) Stefano (Eli Roth), directing a music video for a cheesy ’80s boy band: “I want you to look funky fresh.” (Rock of Ages, 2016)
2.) [Jody (Ashley Tisdale) and Kendra (Erica Ash) are in a cellar reading from the Necronomicon, unaware that it’s having an effect on the people in the cabin above them, causing them to become possessed, un-possessed, re-possessed, and eventually dismembered] David (Tyler Posey): “I’m gonna need a little help. I have to go to the bathroom. My penis is in the corner.” Eric (Shad Moss): “This is fucked up.” (Scary Movie 5)
1.) It’s the ’80s, and Ben (Alfred Molina), a doctor, is arguing with his brother Ned (Mark Ruffalo) about whether being gay is healthy or unhealthy and how to treat people with AIDS: “Agreeing that you were born just the same as I was born isn’t gonna save your dying friends.” Ned: “That is exactly what is going to save my dying friends!” (The Normal Heart, 2014)
Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.
GhoulieJoe 