Book Quote of the Day

“It used to be that a handshake was all you needed. It was how a conversation began and ended, how children were conceived, how milk was delivered. But we now live in more casual times. Ours is an age in which you can’t check your coat without some fellow trying to spoon with you. People with natural social skills made appropriate adjustments; others (you are others) failed to do so and were some of the very first people to be served with class-action restraining orders. When’s the right time to give a non-intimate hug? When should you venture a peck on the cheek?

Gender is key here. If you’re a woman, you generally don’t run the risk of offending someone by being affectionate. You should be aware, however, that certain men live according to that well-known dictum: Whatever doesn’t kill me is flirting. With these men, the hugs you gave absolutely everyone as you left the party were somehow theirs and theirs alone and will inspire scores of presumptuous and subliterate follow-up text messages (‘I rlly enjoyd r date!!! :)’); should you kiss one of these men on the cheek, you can expect a picture of his penis to arrive within half an hour.

On the other hand, if you, the reader, are a male and the sort who has nothing but contempt for the pigs who can’t even wait the traditional forty-five minutes before transmitting nude pictures of themselves, you’re probably squeamish about being mistaken for one of them. This is easily avoided. Once you’ve hugged a woman, simply reassure her by saying, ‘That meant less than nothing,’ or ‘Don’t worry. I find you plain,’ or ‘Your touch was like the touch of a ghoul.’ There will be no mixed messages and no hurt feelings, just two people who know exactly where they stand.”

–Jason Roeder, Oh, The Humanity! A Gentle Guide to Social Interaction for the Feeble Young Introvert.