GhoulieJoe

‘The Vault of Horror’: Feast Your Peepers on This, Boils and Ghouls!

Based on the comic book series from the ‘50s (it was like Tales from the Crypt, only hosted by the Vaultkeeper rather than the Cryptkeeper—though both were mined for episodes of the TV show). Done as an anthology, the wraparound story involves five gents meeting and discussing their strange dreams. In “Midnight Mess,” Harold (DanielContinue reading “‘The Vault of Horror’: Feast Your Peepers on This, Boils and Ghouls!”

‘The Vampire Lovers’: Homophobic, but Undeniably Hot

Hammer/American International film. Marcilla (Ingrid Pitt) is a deadly vampire intent on wooing and feasting on virgin daughters, namely Laura (Pippa Steel) and Emma (Madeline Smith). She has a bit too much to eat and her victims’ daddies General von Spielsdorf (Peter Cushing) and Morton (George Cole), along with vampire hunter Baron Hartog (Douglas Wilmer),Continue reading “‘The Vampire Lovers’: Homophobic, but Undeniably Hot”

‘Valentine’: Super Original! In That It Manages to Vilify Men and Women Equally and Simultaneously

Due to an incident of snobbery in high school, five friends: Paige the sexy one (Denise Richards), Kate the popular one (Marley Shelton), Shelley the brainy one (Katherine Heigl), Lily the fun one (Jessica Cauffiel), and Dorothy the fat one (Jessica Capshaw) (Dorothy’s adjectives, not mine) are being stalked and killed by a psycho inContinue reading “‘Valentine’: Super Original! In That It Manages to Vilify Men and Women Equally and Simultaneously”

Mary Lambert’s ‘Urban Legends: Bloody Mary’: Pillow Fights, Gore, Plot Holes, and More Gore!

It’s 1969, and unpopular Mary (Lillith Fields) is going to the dance with popular jock Willy (Daniel B. Culmer). Unfortunately it’s all part of a prank, the idea being to drug Mary and two of her friends, then ditch them. Further unfortunately, Willy ends up knocking her out, then stuffing her in a trunk andContinue reading “Mary Lambert’s ‘Urban Legends: Bloody Mary’: Pillow Fights, Gore, Plot Holes, and More Gore!”

‘The Unborn’: Panties, Glorious Panties! And Lots of Upside Down Heads

Casey (Odette Annable) is a normal college student whose world is torn asunder when she starts having visions of a ghostly boy (Ethan Cutkosky). Her brown eyes are also gradually turning blue. With the help of Sassy Best Friend of Color Romy (Meagan Good), she finds out her grandmother Sofi (Jane Alexander) was a holocaustContinue reading “‘The Unborn’: Panties, Glorious Panties! And Lots of Upside Down Heads”

‘They’: A Little Uneven, but Solidly Creepy

Julia (Laura Regan) is a psychology student working through childhood memories of night terrors. Her friend Billy (Jon Abrahams), who had a similar issue, kills himself in front of her, claiming the monsters they dreamed about have come back to get him. She becomes acquainted with Billy’s friends Terry (Dagmara Dominczyk) and Sam (Ethan Embry);Continue reading “‘They’: A Little Uneven, but Solidly Creepy”

‘Theater of Blood’: Vincent Price, the One and Only (Plus Some Other People, I Guess)

Edward Lionheart (Vincent Price) is a mediocre stage actor who, upon being denied the Critics Circle Award, attempts suicide, is rescued by a bevy of homeless men, and plots an elaborate revenge on the nine critics who panned his performances. Since he refused to do anything but Shakespeare, the killings are copied from the Bard’sContinue reading “‘Theater of Blood’: Vincent Price, the One and Only (Plus Some Other People, I Guess)”

‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning’ is Not the Worst Prequel Ever

2006 prequel to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, opening in 1939 with the birth of little Tommy (AKA Leatherface), appropriately enough in a meat-packing plant. He’s promptly thrown in a dumpster and found by Luda Mae Hewitt (Marietta Marich); he’s then raised by Luda Mae and her husband Charlie (R. Lee Ermey). Thirty years later, brothersContinue reading “‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning’ is Not the Worst Prequel Ever”

‘Terror in the Aisles’: A Must-See for Horror Fans

Mid-80s documentary about horror, taking place at a theatre. Hosted by Donald Pleasence and Nancy Allen, it takes a serious look at the genre—with clips. Movies examined include When a Stranger Calls, Halloween, The Birds, Rosemary’s Baby, Night of the Living Dead, Carrie, Jaws, Poltergeist, Scanners, Psycho, Alien, and The Omen. Among ideas explored areContinue reading “‘Terror in the Aisles’: A Must-See for Horror Fans”

‘The Tenant’: Sinister and Unpredictable

Trelkovsky (Roman Polanski, who also directed and co-adapted the screenplay) has just moved into a Paris apartment where the previous tenant, Simone (Dominique Poulange), threw herself out of the window. He sees a possible motive to her jump, as his neighbors are frighteningly erratic; they’re constantly accusing him of being noisy, which he isn’t, andContinue reading “‘The Tenant’: Sinister and Unpredictable”