GhoulieJoe

‘Pathology’: Restrained and Thought-Provoking, But the Characters Suck

Ted (Milo Ventimiglia) is the newest pathology resident at the county morgue. His group of peers there are arrogant jerks, from leader Jake (Michael Weston), interchangeable white guy number 1 Griffin (Johnny Whitworth), interchangeable white guy number 2 Chip (Dan Callahan), unremarkable Catherine (Meiling Melançon), and sex kitten Juliette (Lauren Lee Smith), who’s sort of Jake’s girlfriend but sleeps with Ted and regularly makes out with Catherine. Ted soon discovers that his classmates not only goof around with the dead bodies for laughs, but also have a game wherein one commits a murder and the rest have to figure out how it was done. Ted initially decides to play, but the group loses its charm when he realizes the game has gone too far, and he must take them out.

path3 — Take them out, before they take him out…to the sex room, because they are a handsy bunch

Pathology is fairly philosophical for a horror movie; the filmmakers seem to ponder “what it means to be human.” Are people worthless, as Ted’s friends think? Are we like animals, and is it “in our nature to kill?” Ted would agree with all of the above, to an extent. Though he makes sure his prey are unsavory types, he’s a less than sympathetic protagonist, particularly after he starts doing heavy drugs and cheats on his fiancée (Alyssa Milano). Actually, none of the characters are particularly likable; Ted’s fellow pathologists are egotistical misanthropes, and even his one kindly classmate, Ben (Keir O’Donnell) (an outcast who doesn’t play) is so simpering and meek that he’s pretty annoying too, though he does prove himself later. The character development is a little one-sided, with most of the cast being barely distinguishable throwaway characters.

path2 — At least they get to join in the slow-motion cool walk

My husband and I, avid Heroes fans, rented this (back in 2008) because Ventimiglia starred in it. Our fervor for the show has died down (on my 2022 edit of this post, it’s been canceled for 12 years), but upon my second viewing I still enjoyed it, to an extent. Check it out if you want something moody but gory.

William Malone’s ‘Parasomnia’: GhoulieJoe Angry!

Danny (Dylan M. McKnight) is a sad sack who’s moping over his girlfriend leaving him. He cheers up in a hurry when, while visiting a friend in drug rehab, he spies Laura (Cherilyn Wilson), a traditionally attractive girl with Sleeping Beauty Syndrome. This is characterized by her sleeping most of the time and having nightmares, though nothing is physically wrong with her. Danny is also introduced to Byron Volpe (Patrick Kilpatrick), an evil genius who can hypnotize people with his eyes—and who has claimed Laura for his own. Danny breaks Laura out and takes her home with him, but Volpe won’t let her go that easily.

Like with any William Malone movie, the visuals are marvelous, but I have multiple gripes. Most of them concern Laura. She’s supposedly “perfect” and “pure,” but seeing as she spends a good deal of time asleep, what’s so great about her? When she does wake up, she has less personality and mental capacity than a Cocker Spaniel–you know what, I’m just insulting dogs here–she’s dumb, is what I’m saying. Danny is driving her home from the hospital, and she demands “Out!” of the car. She rubs her face in the grass and (I kid you not) chews on a squeaky toy. She later progresses (regresses?) to baby status; Danny has to bathe and dress her and feed her by hand. He seems to have no motivation to be involved with her other than that he’s lonely and physically attracted to her. Possessed by Volpe, he tells Laura, “You were just a stupid doll that I could dress up.” Volpe’s words, but true nonetheless.

I feel an animosity towards Parasomnia that I don’t have for Feardotcom or House on Haunted Hill. My notes about Danny read: “I wanna smash his stupid face.” Maybe it’s because normally I can blame script issues on someone else, but Malone actually has writing credit on this one. He also uses less seasoned actors than usual, and Dylan M. McKnight as Danny leaves something to be desired, particularly when Danny is supposed to look scared and instead looks mildly surprised. My other big pet peeve is the predatory lesbian character who gets hacked up by a possessed Laura, presumably because she requested that Danny share her.

At least there are less plot holes than usual for a Malone film, the major one being the remarkably incompetent security guard at the hospital, who lets Danny take Laura without checking whether he’s actually a doctor. There is also a somewhat eerie scene when Volpe lets loose a series of weird clockwork creations, accompanied musically by two goggled cello players. The film is meant to be surreal and odd like a dream, but that can only stretch so far. Though the movie is occasionally creepy and somewhat original, it’s not even as good as FeardotCom. If you’re in the mood for something hallucinatory and infuriating, give this one a look.

‘Paranormal Activity’: Love it or Hate it, It’s a Seminal Film

Katie (Katie Featherston) and her boyfriend Micah (Micah Sloat) are experiencing odd events in their home, like hearing footsteps and voices they can’t identify. Katie suspects that the demonic presence that’s been following her since she was eight has something to do with it. So she and Micah film themselves during the day and set up a camera in their bedroom at night to catch the spectral happenings. What they find is disturbing: their door closing by itself, eerie voices, and worst of all, a possessed Katie.

It’s all done on hand-held camera, like The Blair Witch Project, and similarly the actors use their real names. This method contributes to the creepiness of the movie, which claims to be actual found footage (though the end credits state, “The characters and events depicted in this photoplay are fictitious”). Whether or not it’s true, the dialogue sounds natural and the actors look like real people. Unlike The Haunting in Connecticut, also supposedly a true story, this film doesn’t feel Hollywood-ish, from the budget to the plot.

The pacing is a bit slow, and it can be dull at times (my unflappable sister Suzy was bored the entire movie), but that only contributes to the authentic feel—real life is comprised of lots of boring moments.

The nighttime scenes are cleverly filmed, showing the entire night on time-lapse video, so we have to watch carefully so as not to miss something. Then we’re rewarded by eerie things like Katie standing over Micah and watching him sleep for hours. Speaking of which, Micah is a rather frustrating presence in the movie; he’s determined that since it’s his home, he will save Katie (rather than an exorcist or psychic professional). He tends to challenge the demon by shouting, “Show yourself!” or trying to communicate with it (as he was expressly told not to do, as it will only give the demon a stronger foothold—or hoof-hold, as the case may be). Indeed, he almost seems to enjoy the goings-on, making statements like, “We haven’t had anything interesting happen in a while.” He’s a walking horror movie no-no.

I had heard multiple reviews of the film—most that it was scary—before actually getting to watch it. I was not disappointed. Give it a look if you want a movie with a creepy, genuine feel.

para6 — I said creepy, not terrifying! Who ARE these people?

Guillermo del Toro’s ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’: The Master Outdoes Himself!

Spain, 1944, during the Spanish Revolution. Young Ofelia’s (Ivana Baquero) pregnant mother Carmen (Ariadna Gil) has just married the leader of the effort to suppress the resistance, Captain Vidal (Sergi López). Ofelia, obsessed with fantasy stories, finds herself in a real-life fairy tale when a faun (Doug Jones), recognizing her as the reincarnation of the king of the underworld’s daughter, gives her three tasks to complete before the full moon so she can reclaim her kingdom.

My sister Leslie, an avid horror fan, refused to watch the movie for years, thinking it was a children’s movie. (My response: who cares, it’s Guillermo del Toro!) I set her straight and made her watch it. Though the main character is a child, and the structure and plot of the film borrows heavily from mythology and fairy tales, it’s far from being for kids. It’s rated R, and fairly violent. Though many of the brutalities take place off-screen, like a man getting his gangrenous leg cut off with no anesthetic, it’s still pretty disturbing. There are still plenty of gory on-screen scenes, like when Vidal bashes in a man’s face with a bottle, as well as a scene when he has to sew up a gash in his own face with a needle and thread. Besides the violence, the scene with the Pale Man (also Doug Jones)is darn unnerving:

On the other hand, while it’s never sappy, there is a wondrous element. There are also sweet moments, like when Ofelia hugs the faun. The visual effects are amazing. It’s also compelling, moving, and masterfully told. I saw it first in the theatre, and I left feeling so energized I wanted to jump up and down. Check it out if you like a little blood with your fantasy.

‘Pandorum’: Dense and Kinda Boring, but Overall it Delivers

It’s 2174, and Earth, being vastly overpopulated, sends a Noah’s Arc-type spaceship to planet Tanis, which is compatible for living on. Unfortunately, the captain got a case of Pandorum, which causes paranoia and erratic behavior, and he sabotaged the mission. Eight years later, crew members Bower (Ben Foster) and Payton (Dennis Quaid) wake up, confused but ready to save the ship. They have to find and reset the ship’s reactor and get it going before the preserved life forms die. Not a simple task, given that Bower has no idea where he’s going, and there’s a boatload of aliens aboard who like to eat people. Meanwhile, they have to contend with other unpredictable crew members while fighting Pandorum.

Though there are plenty of horror-ish moments, Pandorum is far too science-fiction-y for me. It’s extremely technical and complex. I found it hard to follow the first time I watched it, and only slightly less so on the second viewing (my sister and her friend, who had never seen it, wandered in during the last half hour, so I had my work cut out for me trying to explain it to them). In fact, my apologies if I get some of the plot details wrong.

Aside from being potentially boring for hardcore horror fans, the film has characters popping up and disappearing (and reappearing) for no reason. As Bower protests, “A little fucking solidarity goes a long way.”

It’s also a very dark film, not just in terms of the lighting, but in tone. The throwaway characters have occasional unfunny one-liners, but overall it’s a very depressing movie. Not to mention the plot hole that when Bower wakes up in his space pod, he yells, and the audience can’t hear him. But later, when Payton imprisons Pandorum-ridden Gallo (Cam Gigandet) in a similar pod, we can hear him quite plainly.

But there are things to recommend it. I’m intrigued by the allusions to Greek mythology, Pandora, for example, and the ship being named the Elysium, a reference to the Elysian Fields, the afterlife, or, as it is put in the movie, “heaven for heroes.” And while the twist is predictable, it’s still pretty cool. On the whole, it’s worth a once-over. If you’re like me and are not a science person, don‘t give up before the first 20 minutes are over; it gets less difficult. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something that makes your brain work—sometimes.

Jaume Collet-Serra’s ‘Orphan’: The Director of ‘The Shallows’ Explores Other Predatory Animals

Kate (Vera Farmiga) and John (Peter Sarsgaard) are a married couple with two children, and are about to adopt a third. Too bad they pick Esther, a nine-year-old sociopath (Isabelle Fuhrman), who does stuff like push girls off playground equipment, kill a nun, and terrorize her adopted siblings (Jimmy Bennett, Aryana Engineer). Kate sees through her act fairly quickly, but faces contention from John at every turn. When even Kate’s therapist (Margo Martindale) is on Esther’s side, Kate has to prove she’s not delusional and give Esther a time-out.

Evil children are not a new movie topic, but this one has a neat twist that turns the sub-genre on its head. Furthermore, the performances are great, from the adults to the children, particularly Fuhrman as Esther. (Though I have to admit at times I have trouble taking seriously her fake Russian accent; she does it well, but her lightly scratchy voice makes her sound exactly like Dexter from the cartoon Dexter’s Laboratory, especially when she says “seester”–see below.) Generally the dialogue is pleasing as well; my only complaint is Kate’s cry of “I’m not your fucking mommy!” It was a godawful line in The Ring II, and it’s not any better here. But overall it’s good watchin‘.

I saw this in the theatre when I was two and a half months pregnant, and while I was fine I don’t necessarily recommend it to any prospective parents. It opens with a miscarriage and makes adoption look unpalatable too. Check it out either if you really love kids (and thus won’t be affected) or don’t like them at all.

‘Once Bitten’: Racist, Homophobic, AND Corny AF

Mark (Jim Carrey) is a typical teenage boy who is dissatisfied by his long-time girlfriend Robin’s (Karen Kopins) refusal to have sex. While trolling for some strange with his buddies, he meets the mysterious Countess (Lauren Hutton). Unfortunately, Countess is a vampire who needs his virgin blood three times before Halloween or she loses her youth. She seduces Mark and bites him, starting the process of turning him into a vampire. Thus, Mark soon begins to exhibit strange behavior like sleeping in a trunk and eating raw meat. Robin refuses to give up on Mark, and with his friends sets out to free him from Countess’s spell.

once2 — The second-most glorious sideboob of 1985

I first saw this film at age twelve, when I had a massive crush on Jim Carrey. I haven’t seen it in almost twenty years. One thing that struck me was how selfish Mark is. After his girlfriend declines having sex with him in an ice cream truck, he decides he’s entitled to go catting around with his single friends and pick up a woman. He justifies his actions with the statement, “I was drunk […] I’m a teenager, I’m supposed to make stupid mistakes.” Robin goes back to him, blaming herself for his sexual frustration. Later, when Countess stalks him, Mark tries to hide her. He even blasts ice cream truck music in the wee hours of the morning after he thinks he and the Countess had sex and is triumphant. The whole thing leaves me wondering what the appeal is to Robin. The only time I enjoy her goodie-two-shoes wishy-washy ass is when she yells at Mark, “I can’t believe you’re willing to throw away our relationship on a one-night stand with a chauffeur and a butler and a slut who eats buttons!”

Other grating aspects of the film include the dance-off between Robin and Countess, who fight over Mark choreographically (see below). Then there’s Sebastian, Countess’s Black butler/chauffeur (Cleavon Little). He’s in a cringe-worthy subservient position through the whole film. Not to mention the dream sequence when Mark eats dinner with Countess while Sebastian skates by playing an accordion, and yet another Black servant shows up. Also, Sebastian is gay. While his character is less offensive than some ‘80s depictions of gay guys, he does have a nasty habit of hiding in Countess’s closet and stealing her clothes. Also really offensive are Mark’s two obnoxious sex-crazed pals, who after an incident in the school shower (while looking for a vampire bite on Mark’s penis) are horrified to be called “fags.” Later one of them obsesses over the incident, in the process using the phrases “homos” and “rump rangers.”

Upon my recent viewing, I enjoyed the film a lot less than when I was an odd tween. Back then I didn’t bother with questions like: since Countess and her minions are vulnerable to fire, why is her entire house covered with lit candles and torches? She has electricity! But if you’re in the mood for a super-‘80s (complete with a montage of wacky L.A street people) vampire comedy, or are just interested in seeing a young Jim Carrey, give this one a look.

‘Misery’: Even with the Corny Sheriff, and the Hobbling Scene Already Spoiled for You, it’s Still Pretty Intense

Paul (James Caan) is a writer famous for his romance novels about a woman named Misery. After finishing his new non-Misery novel (having killed her in his newest published book), he crashes his car during a blizzard. He’s rescued by Annie (Kathy Bates), a former nurse who treats his multiple injuries in her home, claiming there’s too much snow to take him to town. She also says she’s his number one fan, but is really only interested in the Misery books. While she has him trapped, she forces him to burn his manuscript and start fresh on a new chapter of Misery. If it’s not the masterpiece she’s expecting, she’ll get upset, and when Annie gets upset, terrible things happen.

mis2 — The face of a woman you don’t want to mess with

James Caan may get top billing, but Kathy Bates really makes the movie. Her performance is incredible; she captures the childlike innocence, the fawning obsequiousness, and even the blank-faced deadliness of Annie. I often loathe William Goldman’s screenplays, but I like this one a lot. He keeps the best parts of the book and manages to leave out the parts I hate, such as King’s disgust for fat women—he often adds gross details about their appearance, like Annie having a lot of earwax. Goldman also edits out Paul having to drink his own pee.

mis4 — All work and no not having your legs broken makes Jack a dull boy

I do have some major issues though, like the invention of Buster the small-town sheriff (Richard Farnsworth), and his wife Virginia the deputy (Frances Sternhagen). They’re played for laughs, and I don’t think they belong in the movie, given the serious subject matter—their small-town cutesy-poo-ness is an annoying distraction. I do have some logistical questions too. I’m skeptical about Paul being a world-famous writer because of romance novels—name me one romance novelist besides Danielle Steel. (Because of my job at the library, I can name a handful.) Also, how does Annie live? She’s unemployed (having lost her nursing job for her habit of killing babies, which she was acquitted of) and although she has a farm, she never seems to do much work on it—she’s either bothering Paul or driving to town so he can have a chance to build suspense by roaming the house.

mis5 — ‘Well, her bedside manner sucks, but what a scrapbooker!’

Speaking of suspense, the film is a veritable tension factory, particularly in the scene when Annie confronts Paul about leaving his room. She opens with a story about disobedient mine workers being injured but not killed so they could keep working. Paul squirms and asks her not to do what she’s planning. She then puts a board between his feet and breaks his legs. Looking rather orgasmic, Annie sighs, “Oh, Paul. I love you.” It’s interesting that Annie and Paul have the classic abusive relationship: Annie starts out sweet, then loses her temper and hurts him, apologizes, and is sweet again. Overall it’s a fascinating film, full of twists and turns and tension.

mis3 — Also the face of a woman you don’t want to mess with

I can sort of sympathize with Annie, at least with the giddy preteen side of her personality, mooning over Paul and depressed that he doesn’t feel the same way. I can even sort of relate to the control freak part, like when she finds out about Paul’s excursions because he knocked over a ceramic penguin and put it back facing the wrong way. That said, she’s also unstable and very unpleasant. Check it out if you want to see a rare specimen: a critically acclaimed horror movie.

‘Mirrormask’: I Dislike the Fantasy Genre, but I’ll Make an Exception

Written by Neil Gaiman, with special effects by The Jim Henson Company, blending CGI with live action. Helena (Stephanie Leonidas) is a bratty teenage girl whose parents run a circus, which she hates (as she says, “I want to run away and join real life”). After her mother (Gina McKee) becomes sick (shortly following an argument between them), Helena finds herself in an alternate world where the queen (who looks exactly like her mother, natch) is dying. Helena, with the help of new buddy Valentine (Jason Barry), needs to find a charm to wake up the queen and simultaneously save her mother. Things are also complicated by the Anti-Helena (also Leonidas), a spoiled princess who takes Helena’s place in her world.

Mirrormask is rated PG for “mild thematic elements and scary images.” Said scary images include an evilized Helena with no irises, spiders with eyes on them, and evil shadows that kill people. It can be pretty creepy for a family movie. However, there is quite a bit of humor, for example Valentine teaching Helena how to get around: tell a book she hates it, so it will fly back to the library and she can ride it.

The visual effects in the film are stunning, from the live circus performances to the other world, where sphinxes eat books, books molt because they’re depressed, fish fly, and everyone wears a mask (for the purpose of looking cool, not preventing COVID). For once, I don’t mind a lot of CGI, because everything looks amazing and beautiful.

There’s an obvious dichotomy present of good and evil, evidenced by the two worlds, reflected by mirrors. It’s interesting that the balance of the two is discussed (as the world runs best when good and evil are balanced) rather than good simply conquering evil. There is also a theme of being able to control one’s own destiny. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for a tale that’s entertaining, involving, and not sappy.

Guillermo del Toro’s ‘Mimic’: Get Ready to Be Bugged!

Due to an epidemic affecting children that happens to be carried by cockroaches, New York entomologist Dr. Susan (Mira Sorvino) engineers a “Judas” beetle that will kill the nasties. In the process, the Judas beetle keeps mutating—so much so that it begins to “mimic its predator”—us. It’s up to Susan, her partner Dr. Peter (Jeremy Northam), cops Leonard (Charles S. Dutton) and Josh (Josh Brolin), shoeshine guy Manny (Giancarlo Giannini), and Manny’s grandson Chuy (Alexander Goodwin), who can imitate the bugs with spoons, to go into the sewer and kill off the male that’s doing all the impregnating.

The idea of giant flying insects that at times wear clothes to blend in and have faces that look kinda human sounds ludicrous, but del Toro makes it work. (I read recently that he had to fight with the producers, the Weinsteins, over many aspects of the film, and was ultimately unhappy with it. Supposedly Sorvino and her then-boyfriend, Quentin Tarentino, came to del Toro’s aid to keep him from being fired.) The film draws on many of our ingrained fears: disease, pests, danger to our children, the dark, the unknown. Not to mention the relatively new fear of the consequences of scientific meddling with nature (though del Toro didn’t want there to be a scientific explanation). It’s creepy, suspenseful, and often disgusting, especially a scene when Susan busts open a roach and rubs its scent glands on everybody so they smell like the bugs and won’t get attacked.

Good special effects and great performances abound, particularly by Sorvino. Susan is clinical yet compassionate, as well as brave and highly intelligent. While the men in the movie are constantly losing their tempers, she doesn’t let her emotions control her, whether it’s disappointment about not being pregnant or fear of being torn apart by an insect.

mim4 — The face of a woman you don’t want to fuck with, giant bug or not

Because she knows the most about the situation in the sewer, she’s the boss. Totally relevant both back when Dolly the sheep was a new phenomenon and today with all the newfangled diseases floating around, it’s pretty scary and very thought-provoking. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something well-made but revolting.