The Dead Don’t Die is Darn Delightful!

A small town is forced to deal with a zombie apocalypse. We have the law: Chief Cliff (Bill Murray), Ronnie (Adam Driver), and Mindy (Chloë Sevigny). We have the store owners: hardware guy Hank (Danny Glover) and gas “and stuff” proprietor Bobby (Caleb Landry Jones). We have a trio of kids in juvie: Geronimo (Jahi Di’Allo Winston), Olivia (Taliyah Whitaker), and Stella (Maya Delmont). We have wacky locals Farmer Frank (Steve Buscemi), Hermit Bob (Tom Waits), Danny Larry Fessenden), and coroner Zelda (Tilda Swinton). We have delivery guy Dean (RZA), news anchor Posie (Rosie Perez), waitress Fern (Eszter Balint), and cleaner Lily (Rosal Colon). Plus out-of-towners Zoe (Selena Gomez), Zack (Luka Sabbat), and Jack (Austin Butler). [Wipes sweat from brow] Did I forget anyone?

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Oh yeah, this guy!

The film is written and directed by auteur Jim Jarmusch, best known for his dramedy Broken Flowers. However, he has dabbled in the genre with his vampire love story Only Lovers Left Alive. The trailer for the film is a bit disingenuous; it makes the film look like a frenetic laugh-a-minute like Shaun of the Dead. It isn’t. Which has garnered a few complaints about the movie being boring. The humor is very ironic, and the delivery is often deadpan. For example, in one scene, Cliff and Ronnie watch Zelda dispatch zombies with a sword, and comment almost disinterestedly: Ronnie–“Darn, she’s really good with that thing, isn’t she?” Cliff– “She sure is.” Ronnie’s un-profane reactions to surprising situations is one of my favorite things: [Upon seeing an especially gory crime scene] “Oh, yuck.” It takes some getting used to, but it’s worth being patient.

THE DEAD DON'T DIE
This is definitely cultural appropriation, but Zelda is so damn cool

It’s certainly thought-provoking. Zombie movies tend to have, at their heart (and spleen, liver, and various other body parts) something to say about how in some way humans are the real zombies. This film is no exception. The zombies gravitate to the same things (often shallow and unhealthy) that they clung to in life: free cable, candy, wi-fi, Xanax. There’s a memorable cameo by Carol Kane as an undead Chardonnay fan, and one by Iggy Pop as a living dead coffee fiend. Also to be expected in a zombie movie is an environmentalist bent, which this film has as well. Fracking is to blame for the dead coming back to life, as well as for animals fleeing and daylight hours becoming erratic–the earth is off its axis. Ultra-conservative values are poked fun at as well; Frank is a dyed-in-the-wool Republican nightmare, complete with a “Make America White Again” hat and a dog named Rumsfeld. When zombies show up at his house, he calls them “goddamn refugees” and hollers, “Get off my property!”

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“I got a lust for life!”

The movie is fairly diverse, especially for the fact that it takes place in a Midwestern town with a population of 738. My only gripe about the movie is that everyone in law enforcement is white, and that Mindy is totally useless. All she does is whine and cry and give up. Otherwise, I very much loved it. Check it out if you’re in the mood for humor so dry, the zombies don’t even bleed–they emit black clouds that look like toner. And watch for a cameo by Sturgill Simpson as the guitar zombie–if you don’t know his name now, you will by the end of the movie.

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For every couple of ungodly pale people, there’s a person of color

Top Ten Cutest Halloween Costumes for Babies

It’s tough raising a baby. They cry constantly, eat constantly, and poo constantly. A parent takes one’s joys where he or she can. Like dressing the little bundle of joy in a crazy costume! I’ve scoured the internet for the most adorable ones.

10. Caterpillar

This little love is conveying both confusion and a deep sense of betrayal. But that costume is too sweet!

costume 1

Image courtesy of heavy.com 

 

9. Bob Ross

Now this is a happy little baby! That giant wig is just delightful! I hope no one lets him eat that paint brush.

costume 2

Image courtesy of countryliving.com 

 

8. Avocado

This chap looks as though he or she is deciding whether being a green oversized fruit is pleasing. The exposed tummy standing in for the seed is a nice touch.

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Image courtesy of todaysparent.com 

 

7. Eleven from Stranger Things

I could do without the fake bloody nose, since babies already have plenty of unwelcome stuff coming out of there as it is, but otherwise how cute is this?! If she’s teething, she can gnaw on frozen Eggos.

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Image courtesy of coolmompics.com

 

6. Spider

This itsy bitsy spider is so fuzzy wuzzy! And that little pink bow!

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Image courtesy of demilked.com

 

5. Super Mario

I know I did a cat Mario already, but the baby carrier/portal is too sweet! It must be comfortable; this gent looks pretty peaceful.

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Image courtesy of tiphero.com

 

4. Narwhal

I’m a sucker for babies with tails. And a horn. This little darling seems to be digging the outfit!

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Image courtesy of carters.com

 

3. Taco

I love how the costume accommodates this little one’s posture. It doesn’t seem to be slowing her down!

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Image courtesy of stylemotivation.com

 

2. Black Panther

And you thought Chadwick Boseman was cute! That little hood with ears is just too much!

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Image courtesy of etsy.com

 

  1. Rosie the Riveter

This little lady looks more interested in her toes than making planes for the war effort, but she certainly is riveting! Ha-HA!

Image courtesy of firstforwomen.com

 

 

Child’s Play (2019) is Surprisingly Likable

The original Child’s Play was released in 1988, and concerned a serial killer named Chucky (Brad Dourif) who, with his dying breath, transfers his soul to a mass-produced doll. He then torments his six-year-old owner, Andy. The reboot, 21 years later, features a disgruntled Vietnamese sweat shop employee (still less racist than the voodoo practice in the original) who cancels the doll’s safety protocols and “violence inhibitors.” The doll is then gifted to thirteen-year-old Andy (Gabriel Bateman), who at first scoffs at Chucky, but then, ET-style, red hoodie and all, learns to love the creature who’s so like and yet unlike him. Until Chucky gets jealous and stabby. Just like ET.

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I’ll be riiiiight heeere, murdering ancillary characters

The most obvious aspect of the movie is its modernization, making it a cautionary tale about technology running away with us. Chucky is a Buddi doll, part of a conglomerate of smart devices made by the Kaslan corporation. The Buddis are marketed to children as toys, but they’re really for the adults buying them. The dolls keep the kids company (in one commercial, a Buddi sits in a baby’s crib singing a lullaby) to the extent that parents are released from spending time with their offspring at all. In addition, the Buddi is shown reminding a mom of an upcoming event and ordering a self-driving car to pick her up. Andy’s mother Karen (Aubrey Plaza) begs him to go play outside: “Look, two kids standing in the rain. That looks like fun.” And of course, the two kids are looking at a phone. In one scene, a character is pulverized while his daughters sit playing on their devices, totally oblivious. Andy’s friend Falyn (Beatrice Kitsos) freaks out upon her first view of Chucky, immediately predicting a robot apocalypse.

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This is how the world ends, not with a bang but an army of tiny Adam Devines

And of course the other elephant in the room: the new voice of Chucky. Tom Holland (not the Spider-Man Tom Holland), who was a big driving force behind the original, called the hiring of Mark Hamill a smart choice. I agree. I think the attempted reboot of A Nightmare on Elm Street in 2010 crashed and burned because Jackie Earle Haley was a fairly unknown actor at the time. If they’d hired someone popular, say Matt Damon, people might have given a shit. (Ha ha, made you imagine Matt Damon as Freddy!) I wasn’t excited about the idea of a reboot, but with Hamill onboard I was willing to give it a try. I fucking hate Star Wars (come at me), but I loved some Batman: The Animated Series growing up, and Hamill as the voice of The Joker was my childhood.

The man is a goddamn national treasure

The film takes the basic premise of the original and goes in new directions; it’s refreshing that it’s not just a carbon copy. In addition to new themes, for Chucky’s personality the filmmakers take a different approach. Hamill’s Chucky is more childlike. His model is glitchy, and Andy has to teach him everything from scratch. In a dig at the issue of whether simulated violence influences people, Chucky learns to maim (and spout one-liners) while watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. He hurts others in a misguided attempt to make Andy happy, and later to keep Andy all to himself.

He’s so impressionable!

This one is a bit more diverse than the original. Plaza is multiracial, plus we have Brian Tyree Henry taking over for Chris Sarandon as Detective Mike. Carlease Burke plays his adorable mother Doreen, who lives in the apartment complex. Everyone in the building seems to be straddling the poverty line, including a moderately colorful group of teens whom Andy befriends. For once, characters live in a realistic setting; usually anyone in a movie, regardless of their economic standing, lives in an immaculate two-story. Also interesting is that Andy has a hearing aid. It’s not essential to the plot, making him seem like just a differently-abled person, who are rare as unicorns in movies–actually, more rare. Generally any movie character who has any kind of disability is only written that way to further the storyline along somehow, not to represent how people are in reality. (Another exception is in Curse of Chucky; the protagonist is in a wheelchair without it being a major plot device–a coincidence, though, because Don Mancini, creator of the Brad Dourif Chucky series, wanted nothing to do with this reboot).

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The characters are pretty appealing. Mike is kind and really tries to make a difference in the world around him. Andy is funny (my favorite quote, from Andy to Chucky: “Just close your eyes and pretend to be less creepy”) and a lot less whiny than the typical movie teenager, as are his friends. Karen is quirky and interesting. She’s dedicated to her son, but not so much so that it eclipses her own personhood. She does have crappy taste in men; her boyfriend, Shane (David Lewis), is not only married, but shoves Andy down in a fit of pique. Confusingly, he starts out as a nice enough guy; we’re supposed to dislike him, but the first scene he’s in, he tells Andy to be quiet because Karen has fallen asleep on the couch. A short time later, he tells Karen, who has baked cookies, that he’s not really hungry. That monster!

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Though how anyone could turn down Karen’s cookies is beyond me

Overall, I grudgingly enjoyed it. It’s not at all scary, but it did manage to shock me a time or two, which is almost as good. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something that lambastes our wasteful, technology-dependent, consumerist society. Or if you wanna watch a doll destroy everything in his immediate vicinity. Who says we can’t have both?

Amanda Sidoti’s Voodoo Bath and Apothecary is Stunning!

I first became acquainted with Amanda through a horror group on Facebook. We kept in touch, and I wanted to promote her awesome home business. The following is an interview between her and me, via Messenger, since we live in different states:

Q: Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?

A: K wanted to start out by saying thank you so very much for this interview; I’m honored to do this and I love your writing and reviews–you are awesome. A little bit about myself: I’m a wife and a mother of 4, I love my family more than anything, and I’m a Halloween and horror addict.

Q: What made you decide to start your own business?

A: I started making my own bath products, household products, infused oils, salves, and natural meds when I was diagnosed with chronic illness, and I wanted to make them fun creepy things that I couldn’t find anywhere else. I started having friends and family asking to purchase the things I was making, then I had punk rock flea market get ahold of me online for an invite to be a vendor, and I quickly made the decision to turn it into a business.

Blood bags for the bath!

Q: How long have you been running Voodoo Bath and Apothecary?

A: I have been making my own product for 4 years, but I started my business about 2 years ago.

Love the details on the face!

Q: Do you have any professional training, or are you just a crafty genius?

A: I have absolutely no professional training whatsoever. I was truthfully just a stay at home mom and found an extra way to help support my family. I have had some help and advice from some amazing people along the way, but I’m mostly self taught through experimentation and lots of research. I still learn and research new ways to improve daily.

Sparkly skull jewelry is the best kind!

Q: What is your bestselling item?

A: My best selling items are my horror themed bath bombs, tonics, tinctures, and salves, and oddity resin jewelry are my top 3 items.

This guy is ghoulishly happy to see you!

Q: Which item is the most time-consuming to make?

A: My most time consuming item to make are tinctures and bath bombs.

Q: Which item is the most fun to make?

A:  My most fun item to make is a tough question to answer because I love it all, but I’d say resin pieces and bath bombs are my top 2.

Gorgeous!

Q: Is there a new direction you want to go in, e.g. a new medium to create in?

A: As far as a new direction I’d like to go I’m always looking for new fun things to do and add; however, I would like working with concrete and paper mache at some point.

Q: Which horror movies influence your crafts the most?

A: The movies that inspire my crafts the most are definitely the classics, lots of Hellraiser, Halloween, and Friday the 13th inspiration there.

Adorable little Jasons!

Q: What’s your favorite movie?

A: As far as a favorite movie that is an impossible question to answer lol. I love all horror, but I’d say the genres in horror that are my favorites are the slasher style and horror comedy; the more blood and gore for me the better.

Did I mention that everything is natural, hand-made, vegan, and cruelty-free? You can find her on Etsy here:

https://www.etsy.com/search?q=voodoo%20bath%20and%20apothecary&ref=auto-1&as_prefix=voodoo%20bath%20and%20

and Facebook here:

https://www.facebook.com/Voodoo-Bath-And-Apothecary-254716531832839/

I’ve bought a Halloween surprise box from her; stay tuned for an unboxing video!

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark is, Beyond a Doubt…Really…Something…

Alvin Schwartz’s series of three Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books were published over forty years ago, and generations of people have grown up reading them. Now imagine the pressure of adapting those beloved books into one movie. Consider that the stories in the book are based on folklore and urban legends, and are not a continuous narrative; imagine not structuring the movie anthology-style, but shaping it into a tale about a group of friends and a misunderstood ghost. Imagine trying to fit in issues of social justice like racism, when the books contained none. Imagine making it PG 13 to appeal to teens, while bringing to life some of the most gruesome creatures ever committed to paper, without overusing CGI in favor of practical effects. Okay, that’s me trying to be calm and understanding about a movie that managed to inspire me to feel sympathetic towards people who claim that something destroyed their childhood.

This isn’t funny, stop clowning around!

I saw the movie in the theatre with my two older sisters, Leslie and Suzy, who read the books as tirelessly as I did growing up. We were joined by Suzy’s daughter Zakura, who had naturally read them as well. (And Suzy’s boyfriend Louis and Leslie’s boyfriend Kevin, who don’t contribute to the point I’m making but were delightful company.) We laughed all throughout. Especially at this poor creature, the Pale Lady, whom we impersonated after the movie, chasing each other with arms outstretched.

Yes, she looks–and moves–just like Baymax. And yes, she loves hugs just as much.

Look at this gentle smile. She’s adorable, not terrifying!

Let’s turn to Harold, easily the scariest character in a children’s book ever. He has a nasty habit of killing the farmers who mock him and drying their skins on a roof. Without giving too much away, this is not the fate of the stereotypical bully in the movie who hits him with a bat. It’s less gruesome, and nowhere near as delightfully traumatizing.

Which is the core of almost all of my gripes: it’s just not scary. There were a couple of moments that were mildly creepy, but that’s it. The use of the Big Toe story (if you’re unfamiliar with the book, it’s about a little boy who digs a toe out of the ground and eats it in soup–on purpose) was an odd choice, even with horror icon Javier Botet playing the owner of the big toe. A story about a random fellow dropping out of a fireplace and spouting gibberish (Troy James) is also used, this time definitely improving on the scare value:

As I alluded to earlier, the plot is forced from completely unrelated stories to a singular plotline about teenage outcast Stella (Zoe Margaret Colletti) and her outcast friends who are trying to placate an erroneously maligned ghost (Kathleen Pollard) that is inadvertently killing them. It’s nice to see unpopular characters in the lead, especially with a Latino dude (Michael Garza) as the love interest for the final girl, but the characters–even Ramón–are much-used clichés, most offensively that of a Superstitious-Black-Lady-Who-Knows-Exactly-What’s-Going-On-Because-She-Used-to-Be-a-Maid-or-Nanny-for-the-Antagonist (Lorraine Toussaint). When Stella waltzes into the woman’s house flippantly calling her by her first name like it’s not the 1960s (it takes place in the 1960s, by the way), I was bristling big time.

“You owe me exposition, Superstitious Black Lady! It’s the entire meaning of your existence!”

Despite Guillermo del Toro’s name being plastered all over it, his imprint (aside from regular collaborator Botet) is nowhere to be seen. I’d never call it a total waste of time; the acting is decent, which is more than you get from a lot of horror movies, for example, but it doesn’t live up to the hype. If you’ve never read the books, watch away–it’ll just be a creepy movie with cooler-than-average monsters.

Top Ten Halloween Costumes for Cats

Halloween is not a fun time of year for cats. Whether they’re being hassled on the streets by pranksters or stuffed into costumes, it’s safe to say cats are pissed. Which makes them wearing costumes even fricking funnier, I have to say. I have scoured the internet for the ten most humiliating—I mean adorable—cat costumes out there.  

10. Lobster

I wonder if this chap’s thousand-yard stare is coming from appearing as though it’s being eaten by something it might normally consider prey, or if it stems from being placed in a stock pot.  

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Photo courtesy of lifebuzz.com 

 

9. Pennywise

That the cat is already white is a hoot, but the bald cap jammed on its head is a bonus. The balloon is just priceless.  

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Photo courtesy of popsugar.com

 

8. Princess Leia

This baby looks like its only hope is getting out of this costume quickly. I can’t believe that wig is staying on its head.  

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Photo courtesy of justsomething.co

 

7. Turkey

This cat clearly has a message for its owner, and that message is not “Dress me as poultry.”

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Photo courtesy of ppcorn.com

 

6. Super Mario

 A simple costume, yes, but this fluffer came with its own moustache. Too cute! 

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Photo courtesy of boredpanda.com

 

5. Baked Potato

This is a homemade costume, and if the cat looks embarrassed but tolerant, it’s because he’s used to modeling for his person. You can check out more of her stuff  here:  https://imgur.com/gallery/7xYpC 

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Photo courtesy of imgur.com

 

4. Cheeseburger

For the cat who’s always asking if it can haz cheeseburger, now it can BE cheeseburger. It does look both terrified and disappointed.  

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Photo courtesy of sklcblog.com

 

3. Surgeon

Have a cat who likes to dissect the couch or other beloved destroyable items? Get revenge by dressing the beast accordingly! 

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Photo courtesy of cattime.com

 

2. Nyan Cat

This furbaby looks like either the concept of dressing as the internet star has blown its mind, or that it’s paralyzed with rage.  

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Photo courtesy of catinwater.com

 

  1. Sushi

Here’s the baked potato cat again, the handsome model for mommy’s mad crafting experiments. Hopefully he got some kind of fishy treat for being so patient. What a sweetheart!

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Photo courtesy of imgur.com

Pet Sematary (2019) is Great in its Own Way

The Creed family: father Louis (Jason Clarke), mother Rachel (Amy Seimetz), eight-year-old Ellie (Jeté Laurence), toddler Gage, and cat Church have just moved to a woodsy part of Maine for a chance to live the simple life. Unfortunately they find that life is simple nowhere, particularly when they live next to a road full of distracted truckers and a cemetery that brings dead things back to a state of animation. Sometimes, dead really is better. 

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First, the elephant in the room. The screenwriters changed the book. In a bigly way. In the book and the original adaptation, Gage is the one who is killed and then brought back to life. In this one (this should no longer be a spoiler to you, friends), Ellie is the one who dies. I for one like the change. I agree with the filmmakers that an eight-year-old is much creepier than a toddler (especially one so adorable but not good at acting evil as Miko Hughes, the original Gage). Ellie is old enough to be able to articulate her feelings: (“I’m dead, aren’t I?”) and attack people much more efficiently. And Laurence is phenomenal. I read on IMDB that even the directors were blown away by her professionalism and scariness. (Church, on the other hand, remains much cuter in this movie than in the original.) Stephen King gave the switch his blessing. 

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Clarke puts in a great performance as well (though he seems to be typecast as the worst husband ever—see Winchester, Serenity, and All I See is You). His Louis goes from kind and likable to grizzled and insane, and he’s so creepy. Let’s not forget John Lithgow as Jud—Fred Gwynne left some big shoes to fill, and Lithgow fills them aptly. And of course one must mention Alyssa Brooke Levine as Rachel’s malevolent sister Zelda, an actual woman, while a man played her in the 1989 version. 

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It’s directed by Kevin Kölsch and Dennis Widmyer, the duo behind Starry Eyes, and it’s just as beautifully shot. It’s mindboggling how some directors (and the rest of the team, yes, not just the directors) can make movies with such ugly content that look so gorgeous. (Gore-geous?) I won’t say it’s better than the 1989’s Pet Sematary, but it’s not significantly worse. I enjoyed it, and I recommend it for a fresh take on the source novel.  

Top Ten Halloween Costumes for Dogs

Whether you love dogs or love seeing their dignity taken from them, Halloween is a great time of year to see them looking extra cute. I have scoured the internet to bring you ten of the funniest costumes out there.

10. Tarantula

This beauty is walking around with twelve legs and four eyes, and a whole lot of adorableness.

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Photo courtesy of chewy.com

 

9. The Pup-paccino

This dog is pretty chill in all the frills. The “Starbarks” logo is a nice touch.

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Photo courtesy of heavy.com

8. The Little Mermaid

This pretty pug looks stoked to be a sassy redhead!

dog costumes 2
Photo courtesy of womansday.com
7. Freddy Krueger
This itty-bitty chihuahua looks ready to haunt some dreams! The hat and little glove are too precious!
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Photo courtesy of comicbook.com

6. Pikachu

How amazing is this costume, and how happy does this chap look? Pug-achu, I choose you!

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Photo courtesy of popsugar.com

5. Chia Pet

Or possibly a carrot. Either way, this Boston Terrier looks pretty cozy and lovely to boot.

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Photo courtesy of safebee.com

4. Octopus

This baby looks like it’s wearing a battle trophy. Or possibly the octopus is in the process of eating it. Whatever the case, that side-eye is pure (adorable) contempt.

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Photo courtesy of simplemost.com

3. Winnie the Pooh + Honey Jar

This Winnie the Pup is too sweet! Looks like it passed out after a honey binge–nice effect!

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Photo courtesy of jasonchandler.co

2. Marty McFly

This love looks pretty (mc) fly and happy in this retro ’80s-inspired costume!

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Photo courtesy of halloweencostumes.com

1. Marilyn Monroe

This plus-size sweetie looks beyond thrilled (or possibly terrified) to be Marilyn Pug-roe. Can you tell I’m a sucker for pugs?

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Photo courtesy of ba-bamail.com

‘The Killing of a Sacred Deer’ is Quietly Shocking

The Murphys, father Steven (Colin Farrell), mother Anna (Nicole Kidman), and children Kim and Bob, are a typical upper-class family. Everything changes, however, when Steven befriends Martin (Barry Keoghan), a teenage boy whose father Steven couldn’t save on the operating table. Martin becomes obsessed with the family, which brings about horrifying results.

Sacred Deer is loosely based on a Greek tragedy. The film is co-written and directed by Yorgos Lanthimos, the chap behind The Lobster. It’s a movie about a not-too-distant future in which people who are not married by a certain age are turned into an animal of their choosing. Just to give you perspective on the kind of filmmaking we’re dealing with here.

The movie does an excellent job of lulling the viewer into a false sense of security, right from the beginning. The screen is completely black, and then without warning segues into bright white lighting over footage of open-heart surgery. (According to IMDB, this is a real operation being filmed.) The technique continues throughout, with the actors delivering incredibly mundane lines (often about material things) in a bored monotone. For example, this exchange between Steven and his coworker Matthew (Bill Camp):

Steven: “Nice watch.”

Matthew: “Thanks.”

Steven: “What’s the water resistance?”

Matthew: “200 meters.”

Steven: “And it’s got a date display?”

Matthew: “Yes it does.”

Steven: “I might have gone for a metal strap instead of a leather strap.”

Matthew: “Really?”

Steven: “Yes. I think I’d prefer a metal strap. I’ve had this one for years. It’s as good as new.”

Matthew: “What’s the water resistance?”

Steven: “100 meters.”

Matthew: “How long have you had it?”

Steven: “Nine years. A little bored of it, actually. I’ve been thinking of getting a new one for quite a while now.”

And it goes on.

Martin is similarly deceptive as well; when he’s introduced, he seems well-mannered and sweet.

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Before: Nice Martin

But then he becomes creepy and stalkerish. ‘Okay,’ you might think, ‘This is just your average psychological thriller. We’re getting a throwback to early ’90s suspense about a seemingly perfect family or couple that becomes the object of a psychopath’s jealousy.’ But no, surprise again! Martin is carrying a curse borne of his anguish over his dead father. It’s hard to tell whether Martin has consciously harmed the Murphys or not, but he’s of course blandly accepting of the situation. They soon adjust as well, the siblings taunting each other about dying, Steven requesting that Anna make mashed potatoes, and Anna coolly deciding that one of the children should die instead of her, as she can have more kids.

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After: Sneaky Martin

Enjoying the movie requires patience. Initially, I was frustrated with the lack of emotional delivery by Farrell and Kidman, but I could tell that served a purpose and wasn’t just indifferent acting. It’s worth the wait. As I said, the horror sneaks up on you. Check it out if you’re in the mood for a profoundly disturbing slow burn.

I can’t say exactly why this shot is so unnerving; probably how small Farrell looks, plus the empty hospital beds suggest someone just died

‘Hell Fest’ is Pretty Decent

Natalie (Amy Forsyth) is visiting her best friend Brooke (Reign Edwards), who along with Brooke’s pal Taylor (Bex Taylor-Klaus) coax Natalie into going to Hell Fest with them. Seems Natalie’s crush Gavin (Roby Attal) has VIP passes for the lot of them to experience the joys of the Halloween theme park without all the lines. Also along for the ride are Taylor’s steady feller Asher (Matt Mercurio) and Brooke’s bf Quinn (Christian James). Naturally, their lighthearted shenanigans cause them to be targeted by a serial killer, The Other (Stephen Conroy).  

It has the standard slasher earmarks: the masked killer, the large cast of disposable characters with a clearly delineated final girl. But happily, it’s also more than the sum of its parts. It’s not particularly scary (or even suspenseful), but it does a good job of highlighting the concept of stranger danger, and that fiends “walk among us.” (And they’re nowhere near as recognizable as the final girl.) When the gals try to present their predicament to a security guard, even if he wanted to help them (he doesn’t), it’s a huge park, The Other is wearing the same Michael Myers/Freddy Krueger-blend mask that many of the park employees wear, and he blends in. It’s impossible to tell who the killer is. 

The movie is quite diverse—for a slasher. (Or any other kind of movie.) Roughly half of the main characters are people of color. Not the final girl, of course, but I guess I’ll take it. Speaking of which, horror icon Tony Todd has a cameo as a barker. 

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He does look disconcertingly pale, though

It raises some issues about gender and harassment as well. The killer’s victim in the opening bristles that he’s stalking her and snaps, “Now leave me alone.” And then he respects her wishes and leaves. Just kidding, he guts her. What kind of slasher movie would we have if women weren’t begging a man for their lives? Going back to the guard, another problem he has with helping Natalie is that the park employees are paid to scare people, and he pretty much calls her a whiny baby. It doesn’t matter that Natalie is being threatened and doesn’t like some stranger going outside of his job description and following her around (even before he starts stabbing her friends).  

Even the walls are handsy

Aside from that, my biggest gripe is why the hell does this guy not wear gloves? I get that there are a bazillion fingerprints from the mob attending the park, but he has the maddening habit of throwing down his murder weapons at the scene and just leaving them. Overall, I liked (not loved) it. While watching, I grumped in my notes, ‘Losing what little taste I ever had for slashers,’ but the movie won me over. The characters are surprisingly easy to like and even tell apart, and it’s entertaining. Really, they had me at Tony Todd. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something fun but mildly thought-provoking.

What Tony Todd actually looks like