GhoulieJoe

I began my college career as a psychology major, and I have an AA in Social Science. Therefore, I am qualified to treat mental health issues…not at all. Whatsoever. Buuut I once read an article about how the movie The Martian is good for anxiety because Matt Damon’s character puts aside his problems in order to survive. He gets shit done. Which is good for anxiety. Therefore I’ve compiled a list of gettin shit done horror movies, Final Girl edition.

10. Big Driver

*Content warning: the film centers around a brutal rape, which is depicted briefly but graphically and revisited often in flashbacks.

Tess is a slightly unhinged writer of cozy mysteries about golden agers who love knitting. Creepy librarian Ramona tricks her into taking a shortcut where Ramona’s son likes to claim victims, and Tess is assaulted and left for dead in a drainage pipe. After coming to, finding her shoes, and stumbling to town, she decides she will not involve anyone else. As she states, “I have nothing to be ashamed of, but I know how it works.” While not knowing how to change a tire is her downfall, she is able to dress her significant series of outer wounds and coolly assesses her internal injuries: “Light concussion, maybe. Probably not a skull fracture.” Tess is singularly qualified to kill some folks and not get caught, egged on by her imaginary relationship with the main character in her books, who warns, “Don’t get caught.” She has already spent an inordinate amount of time pondering human absence of logic and the motivation behind when people do the unthinkable. She’s able to plan her revenge quickly and with barely a modicum of flawed reasoning.

9. Bone Tomahawk

I have my issues with this film. Obviously the nineteenth century was far from a time of racial tolerance and no filmmaker needs to pretend otherwise, but there’s a difference between highlighting racist ideas and enforcing them. The villains, who kidnap three white people, two of whom are very likable and nice, are severely inbred indigenous people. Also, one of the most otherwise levelheaded characters is obsessed with killing Indians. However, it warms my heart that the movie cleverly subverts gender stereotypes. Men have felt superior to women, especially in long bygone days, because of the notion that women think with their ovaries while men use sound judgment. But every man in the film who isn’t ignorant or downright childlike (or onscreen for less than a couple of minutes) makes dumb decisions based entirely on feelings. Arthur, the main character, comes close to losing his already broken leg because he can’t stand the thought of someone else saving his wife, even though he slows the rest of the rescue team down dragging his busted-ass limb around. He falls and makes his injury worse while punching someone who’s helping him. Even the virtuous Sheriff Hunt has the nasty habit of flying off the handle and shooting any person who crosses him, which greatly contributes to the kidnapping. Arthur’s wife Samantha is the smartest and bestest character in the movie. She’s a doctor who understands the importance of cleanliness and not climbing on roofs during a storm. As she huffs, “This is why frontier life is so difficult. Not because of the Indians or the elements but because of the idiots!” Samantha keeps her wits about her at all times, even when she’s in a cage.

8. Happy Death Day

Tree is a college student who finds herself in a time loop: it’s her birthday, and every night she is murdered by a mysterious masked person. She quickly realizes that the only way out is to discover who the killer is (she’s kind of a jerk, and a lot of people have plausible reasons to kill her). By the second time she’s attacked, she starts fighting back, and by the third time she’s boarding up her windows and defending herself with a hammer. She continuously learns new skills and techniques. Before long, she not only has a plan to fight her assailant, but she’s also growing as a person, finding that with every new day she has a chance to be better.

7. Kristy

Justine is a college student staying in her dorm over Thanksgiving weekend. She’s established as humble but charming, with her work study job washing dishes and ability to greet by name seemingly every single person on campus, from the students to the security guards to the groundskeeper. Through no fault of her own, she’s targeted by a cult dedicated to killing “Kristy”, the “follower of Christ”, which seems to be any girl who has stuff that leader Violet is jealous of. Justine knows the campus well (definitely better than the killers who picked her on a whim) and is a long-distance runner, as well as booksmart, so she’s able to throw together strategies like recording herself to throw her voice and fastening nails to a baseball bat; eventually, she has her four pursuers regretting messing with her.

6. Fear Street: Part III–1666

Deena is a teen living in a town cursed by a witch and haunted by the various spirits of demon-possessed murderers. Her adventures in stopping the supernatural unpleasantness stretch across three movies and centuries. The first one has some impressive and satisfying ghost-fighting segments, but you can definitely skip the second one unless you like Friday the 13th wannabes. My favorite is the third, in part because it’s the most getting-shit-done-est, plus the most nostalgia-inducing. The second half of the film takes place in the mid-’90s, so the plan for trapping the spirits (in the mall, naturally) involves blacklight paint, Fear Street books, and storefront security gates.

5. You’re Next

Erin is accompanying her boyfriend to his rich family’s house for an anniversary party. Once there, they’re menaced by a trio of mask-wearing murderers. Luckily for them, Erin has spent some time in a survivalist compound (in Australia, no less, so she’s extra accustomed to everything in her environment trying to kill her), and she has a few tricks up her sleeve. Moments after the first victim is shot, she’s helping the family cross the danger zone by the windows by running with a chair as a shield. She wastes no time arming herself and securing the house. The violence gets a bit cartoonish by the end, but Erin is great, and the cast is irresistible if you’re into mumblegore: Joe Swanberg, A.J. Bowen, Amy Seimetz, Ti West, and Simon Barrett. Plus horror legends Larry Fessenden and Barbara Crampton.

4. Ready or Not

Grace is marrying a rich guy. Aside from her nervousness about the judgment of his snobby family, she finds her bigger problem is that because of a twisted generational ritual, she is being hunted with the intention of sacrificing her. Fortunately for Grace, most of the seekers are pretty dumb and prone to losing or not knowing how to use their weapons; even the most competent of them tend to be forever forgetting their guns. But Grace is also really smart and resourceful, exchanging her heels for tennis shoes and tearing up her dress both for bandages and a garrote. This one is gory, but there is a rich vein of comedy underneath.

3. Hush

Maddie is a deaf and mute writer living in a secluded area. She’s ambushed by a killer disguised in a smiling-noncommittally mask. She’s given to some understandable bouts of crying, but mostly she keeps her cool and is always strategizing. She doesn’t let her lack of hearing make her an easy victim; on the contrary, it gives her smart maneuvers like hiding under her porch and feeling for The Man’s footsteps. She’s a fighter, able to steal his crossbow and knock him off the roof. In one scene, we’re treated to her thoughts, in which she decides that since she can’t run, hide, wait, or go outside, her only option is to kill him. *Spoiler alert, Maddie saves her cat.

2. The Hunt

Crystal is a veteran of Afghanistan who’s (erroneously) scooped up with a handful of other “deplorables” to be hunted for sport by liberals with an agenda. She proves herself to be quick-witted, brave, and compassionate, as well as delightfully unperturbed by her circumstances. Instead of getting involved in a weapons grab with the other captives, she calmly makes a compass and sets off to figure out where she is. Crystal is wont to say things like “They’re trying to kill me, I don’t give a shit why” and “At least one of you is smart.” She can shoot as well as engage in hand-to-hand combat, a skill that contributes to one of the coolest fight scenes committed to film.

1. Copycat

Dr. Helen is a criminal psychologist who develops agoraphobia after being attacked by a serial killer. As the title indicates, she is stalked by a copycat killer. She teams up with M.J., “one pushy broad”, a no-nonsense detective who bosses men around (it’s 1995, it’s kind of a big deal). Naturally, Helen gets kidnapped and forced to relive the attack, which also compels her to confront her phobia. It’s an accurate reflection on anxiety in general; Helen shuts herself away from life in fear of being hurt again, and the thing she’s most scared of finds her anyway–her only recourse is to face it head on to overcome it. As her assistant Andy says, trying to encourage her to push beyond her self-imposed limitations, “Live or die?”