GhoulieJoe

1978’s ‘Magic’: Nightmare Fuel!

“A terrifying love story” about the romantic relationship between ventriloquist/magician Corky (Anthony Hopkins) and his ventriloquist dummy Fats—er, I mean with former high school friend Peggy Ann (Ann-Margret). Corky, poised on the verge of his own variety show and thus instant fame, flips out over the requirement of taking a medical exam (probably because it would reveal he’s pretty darn unstable) and heads to a cabin in the woods. He and Peggy Ann begin a torrid affair, despite Peggy Ann being married to grizzled salesman Duke (Ed Lauter). Fats of course doesn’t want to share, and decides Peggy Ann has to go.

mag2 — I tried to come up with a pun for this image, and couldn’t; I feel like a real…not very smart person.

Magic is one of the few films I enjoy William Goldman’s adaptation of—probably because he wrote the book the movie is based on (which I was also surprised by how much I liked). It has the balance of being faithful to the book while cutting out the basically unfilmable parts like Corky’s childhood.

There are lots of eerie things about the film (all of which pale in comparison to the terrifying theatrical trailer, which I included below and you should watch right now. Go ahead. I’ll wait.) Fats is scary in the sense that all ventriloquist dummies are unholy. Plus he’s designed to look like Anthony Hopkins, so extra creepy. There is also the concept that we’re not 100% sure whether Fats is alive or Corky is delusional. Either way, Corky is a ticking time bomb, and once he starts killing people, there’s no telling where he’ll stop.

At the same time, the film is emotionally involving and sad. Corky is so dedicated and talented that it’s a shame it all goes to waste. He’s also fairly sweet and likable most of the time (he does have some anger issues). I rooted for him throughout. Hopkins puts in an amazing performance, both as Corky and as Fats. I had a like/dislike relationship with Peggy Ann; sometimes she’s fun and spunky, but other times she’s needy and childlike. Check it out if you’re in the mood for a young and versatile Anthony Hopkins, directed by a young and versatile Richard Attenborough (yes, the guy from Jurassic Park).

Sweet dreams…

‘Mad Monster Party?’: Primitive Graphics and Simple Jokes, but Still Amusing

1967 movie made by Rankin and Bass, the guys behind those old claymation Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer movies. Baron von Frankenstein (Boris Karloff) has just invented “the means to destroy matter.” He wants to hold a conference to tell his monster buddies about his discovery and also that he’s retiring and leaving his secrets to his human nephew, Felix (Allen Swift, who also plays all of the other male characters). His secretary Francesca (Gale Garnett) is less than pleased, nor are the monsters, whom the filmmakers didn’t want to pay royalties for using, so they’re generic-ified: Fang (Frankenstein’s monster), the Monster’s Mate (the Bride of Frankenstein, played by Phyllis Diller), Dracula, the Werewolf, the Mummy, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, “It” (King Kong), the Invisible Man, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. They team up against the sweet but bumbling Felix, who has to claim his legacy if he wants to outwit then.

The outdated stop-motion may not appeal to everybody, but the movie is fun. It’s a great way to introduce the kids to classic monsters if they’re too little to watch the old Universal movies (it’s pretty embarrassing, but I saw The Wolfman when I was ten, and it freaked me out). It’s really only creepy when the characters look directly at the camera.

mad monster party 2 — Bleh just stop it!

It’s an affectionate tribute to said movies, but I don’t like the character Yetch (Igor), who’s supposed to sound like Peter Lorre but doesn’t. It seems to have been meant strictly for little little ones; the plot, dialogue, and jokes are very facile. (Actually there’s not a whole lot of plot outside of the visual gags, though adults may enjoy Francesca’s enormous rack.)

madd3 — Yetch: “It’s me. Your Don Juan.” Francesca: “I Don Juan to look at you!”–actual quote

I have a few gripes about the movie. The animation has a lot of flaws, especially when characters dance, which looks totally awkward. One of the minor characters is an Italian chef stereotype; his scenes drag on and don’t contribute anything at all to the story. There is a weird scene when Francesca, who previously has hated Felix with a passion, instantly falls in love with him after he slaps her because he thinks she’s hysterical. But otherwise she and the Monster’s Mate are fairly strong characters for the ‘60s; they’re smart and somewhat independent. I love Francesca’s line, “Go on without me, Felix. Just leave me something to read.” Check it out—it’s cute and good for a chuckle or two. You don’t have to enjoy terrible puns (but I hope you do, cause it’s my stock in trade), but it helps.

If nothing else, check out the awesome theme song, performed by Ethel Ennis:

‘Mad Love’: Pleasantly Not Racist for the 1930s

Not to be confused with the 1995 film of the same name. Yvonne (Frances Drake) is a Grand Guignol-type actress; her adoring husband Stephen (Colin Clive) is a famous pianist. She is also admired by Dr. Gogol (Peter Lorre), a surgeon famous for performing difficult transplants, who is desperate to have her to himself. She finds herself needing his help when Stephen is in a train accident that crushes his hands. Gogol performs a transplant, but unfortunately the new hands came from recently executed murderer Rollo (Edward Brophy). Soon Stephen finds that he can’t play piano anymore, but he can inadvertently throw knives whenever he gets angry. Gogol, still planning to capture Yvonne, comes up with a plan to frame Stephen for murder.

mad4 — Things are starting to get out of hand

I like Mad Love more than I tend to like other classic movies. I adore Peter Lorre and Colin Clive. It’s also not too melodramatic (it gets there at times, but that’s the ’30s). Speaking of the ’30s, there’s actually an Asian guy (Keye Luke) whose portrayal is surprisingly racially sensitive for the time period—he’s Dr. Wong, one of Gogol’s colleagues. Look at him, all actually a person of color and not a white dude! His race has no bearing on the plot, he’s just a non-white guy doing his job, just like real life! Look, I say! It’s very exciting.

mad5 — Look at him being all doctor-y! It’s a stereotypical role now, but back then it was unusual to see a dude of color not being a servant

The characters who aren’t Dr. Wong are pretty interesting, too. Yvonne is sassy for a ‘30s heroine. Gogol is at times a sympathetic character. He is shown treating a young girl, and when her family tries to scrape up money to pay him, he says, “I do not operate for money.” He also could have killed Stephen rather than fix his hands (though he was probably scheming all the while).

I have few gripes about the movie. I don’t like Gogol’s crazy eyebrows or his drunken housekeeper; she’s meant to give comic relief, but is decidedly unfunny. I also wonder why everyone in France is English. Overall, the film is nostalgic for me (I first watched it with my sister Leslie as teenagers–we particularly enjoyed Stephen’s habit of losing his pen, finding it, and saying, “That’s my pen, you know”–ya had to be there), but I still like it on its own merit. Give it a look if you’re in the something old-timey and solidly written.

Roger Corman’s ‘The Little Shop of Horrors’: Needs More Homoeroticism and Less Whininess

Not to be confused with the 1986 remake—this is the 1960 original. Seymour (Jonathan Haze) works in a Skid Row flower shop, trying to make ends meet. Among his other problems, he lives with his hypochondriac mother (Myrtle Vail), his boss Mr. Mushnick (Mel Welles) is mean, and his crush Audrey (Jackie Joseph) doesn’t notice him. When he grows a Venus flytrap hybrid, the flower shop does a lot more business, as people flock to see the weird plant. Too bad the only thing it eats is human blood, in greater and greater quantities as it grows. Seymour accidentally kills two people and feeds them to the plant; how far will he go to keep it satisfied?

shop2 — This plant could really use a hand

It’s directed by Roger Corman, who did all kinds of ‘60s horror movies. This one’s a dark comedy, with lots of morbid humor. For example when Seymour goes to a sadistic dentist and the dental mirror breaks in his mouth, the dentist (my favorite character—in this version he’s not dating Audrey or a batterer) tells him to swallow the glass. I’m always surprised at what they can get away with showing in the ‘60s; I always think of that time as repressed and prudish. But despite its PG rating, this movie has murder, a man-eating plant, and a prostitute—in short, it has it all. The acting is decent, and it’s funny at times, with kind of a creepy ending. I suppose the plot makes sense. Though I am a bit confused by the stereotypical Jewish characters; I can’t tell if they’re loving caricatures or mean jabs.

I first saw this as a child, when I had a giant crush on Jack Nicholson (yeah, I was a weird frickin’ kid–I was ten, and he was fifty-seven). He has a small role as a masochistic dental patient who really gets off on Seymour messing around in his mouth. It’s somehow pretty hot:

Fans of the 1986 version may be disappointed; I know I miss the songs. This Seymour is a lot more whiny and obnoxious, and the editing isn’t great. Even the dentist scene is sexier in the remake:

Moving right along, give it a look if you’re in the mood for something quirky and from a whole different era.

1989’s ‘Little Monsters’ is Pretty Creepy for PG

Brian (Fred Savage) is a young boy with a peculiar problem; he’s getting in trouble with his parents because Maurice (Howie Mandel), a monster, is stealing things and making messes, and Brian is getting blamed for it. Brian traps him, looking for an explanation, and they become friends. Maurice brings Brian to his world, where there are no rules, and making mischief is a way of life. However, the longer Brian stays there, the more he starts turning into a monster himself. Meanwhile, Maurice’s evil king, Boy (Frank Whaley), has set his sights on Brian as a permanent playmate, and kidnaps his little brother Eric (Ben Savage) as incentive. Brian and his friends have to go to the monster world and save Eric in the short amount of time before Brian changes into a beast.

lit7 — Look, it’s Daniel Stern! He’s excited not to be typecast as a bumbling criminal yet.

This movie can get a little intense for something meant for a younger crowd. Even I found Boy a little creepy, and that was before he tears his face off. Here he is, with face and sans face:

If the face-ripping isn’t enough, there’s plenty of violence and disturbing images (like a monster kid who gets decapitated—it doesn’t kill him, but it’s less than pleasant). Let’s not forget Maurice peeing in a bully’s apple juice bottle—which the kid drinks. Finally, the film has a lot of swearing, including the words hell, damn, piss (as in, “Who put piss in my apple juice?”), and shit. They’re used not just by adults, but by the young main characters.

lit6 — That’d be my expression after spending hours with late-’80s Howie Mandel, too

But of course there is a moral lesson to be had. Pinocchio-style, Brian is tempted to go to a land where kids can do what they want all day. He learns a similar lesson: rules are good, and in place for a reason. Brian decides he’d rather live in a world where adults have power rather than him. So if it encourages children to curse (and leave urine where they shouldn’t), it ultimately tells them to behave. Overall it’s pretty original, the acting is decent, and the special effects are good for the time period. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for creepiness and nostalgia. And the most ’80s movie posters ever!

‘The Legend of Bloody Mary’ is Somewhat Unremarkable

Ryan (Paul Preiss) is having nightmares about a monster coming to get him; he’s been having them since his sister Amy (Rachel Taylor) disappeared six years before. Seems she was playing the game Bloody Mary (writing her name on a mirror and calling the ghost of Mary Worth) and apparently lost. Meanwhile, Ryan’s acquaintance Father O’Neal (Robert J. Locke Jr.) is in charge of an archaeological dig nearby—it’s a mass grave, along with a big mirror. Eventually the father and Ryan figure out their two storylines are related; Mary Worth (Caitlin Wachs) was executed hundreds of years ago by townspeople for being pregnant and not married. Her vengeful spirit is trapped in the mirror, and she tends to pull people in with her. Ryan and Father O’Neal have to exorcise her spirit before she hurts anyone else.

lege3 — The townspeople were being rather pigheaded about the whole thing

The most striking thing about this movie, besides the mediocre acting, is what I like to call antsy camera. This camera doesn’t tend to stay in one place—most shots are only a few seconds long and sometimes almost random—there are a lot of extreme close-ups of faces. There’s also a shot of a bare breast in the first three minutes of the movie—bad sign!

On the plus side, I do enjoy one shot during a flashback to Mary’s life; the magistrate who is sentencing her (Stephen Macht) is standing before a giant crucifix. Jesus’s head and torso are blocked by the guy, but Jesus’s arms are visible by the magistrate’s head, giving him the appearance of horns. I also like the scene when Amy’s friend Maggie (Kristen Dalto) is sleeping in front of a static-y TV; the snow comes together to form Bloody Mary’s face.

So why watch it? Don’t, unless you’re a Bloody Mary fan. I happen to be—I’m creeped out by the whole concept of an evil spirit coming out of my bathroom mirror. I’ve heard the story since I was a kid, but never had the guts to try it. Good thing I only wrote Bloody Mary four times—oh crap, that’s five. Well, I’m still h—

Ridley Scott’s ‘Legend’ is Dazzling and Gosh-Darn Unsettling

In a fairy tale land of yore, the Lord of Darkness (Tim Curry) plans to rid the mortal world of light so he can rule. Standing in his way are the unicorns, whose purity can withstand his evil. He fetches himself a unicorn horn, thus bringing darkness and turning the mortal world to ice. He then kidnaps a virginal young lady (Mia Sara–yes, Ferris Bueller’s girlfriend) as his bride, leading her forest-dwelling boyfriend Jack (Tom Cruise) and his magical buddies to save her.

leg2 — Look, it’s 23-year-old Tom Cruise!

The G rating may be a little optimistic, given that a few scenes take place in a hellish setting where demons torture people (there’s a brief shot of a guy on a table getting an axe in his gut, for example). Then there are lovely sentiments like, “She was so sweet I could eat her brains like jam.” Not to mention when Lily, in the process of being wooed by the Lord, wears a dress with a generous view of her cleavage.

leg3 — The most glorious side-boob of 1985

My only major complaint about the film is that the dialogue gets hokey and melodramatic at times, for instance: Lily: “Are you afraid to kiss me, Jack?” Jack: “I’m afraid you’ll break my heart.” Lily: “Then still your heart, for you are dear to me as life itself.” I’m also puzzled as to why the sound effects for the unicorns are whale noises. It gets a bit heavy-handed with the dichotomy of good/evil, dark/light, but it does pose the interesting notion that there is no good without evil—so evil is basically unkillable.

leg1 — Tim Curry. Even with all that mess, still sexy.

Overall, the film is a delight. The sets are beautiful, the soundtrack is lovely, and the villains are horrifying. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for some sparkly ’80s escapism.

Bonus: a fan-made music video for the theme song, Tangerine Dream’s “Loved by the Sun”:

The link works, I promise

‘The Last Exorcism’: Great Performances and Some Creepy Stuff

Shot found footage style, and is presented as a documentary. Cotton (Patrick Fabian) is a faith healer who performs exorcisms. After realizing how exploitative exorcisms have become, he decides to film how he fakes exorcisms to discourage the performance of them. His faithful crew members Iris (Iris Bahr) and Daniel (Adam Grimes) accompany him to the Bible Belt in Louisiana to film his eponymous last exorcism (is there a synonym for exorcism? I hate repetition!). Cotton’s patient Nell (Ashley Bell) is sweet and pleasant most of the time, but a vicious monster when possessed. They also have to deal with her sullen brother Caleb (Caleb Landry Jones) and her alcoholic father Louis (Louis Herthum). Cotton’s plan backfires when Nell’s violent attacks worsen, and his treatments don’t work. When Louis refuses to get Nell psychiatric help, the only solution seems to be another exorcism.

last3 — “I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.” “Please. No more dad jokes. I’ll be good.”

Cotton is an interesting character. He’s sympathetic in that he’s trying to help people and support his family, but he’s also a smarmy fake. When Louis, who’s poor, hands him what appears to be a wad of fifty-dollar bills, he assures Louis patronizingly, “There’s no reason to count it.” His sermons are based on spirited yelling more than content. He is shown reciting a banana bread recipe rather than something biblical, and his flock eats it up (bwa ha ha pun intended). As he is described: “Quite a character. A showman, a performer.”

I can’t really tell what Exorcism is about on a deeper level. The film presents the theory oft-used in this sub-genre that if one believes in God, one must believe in demons, and vice versa. It seems to support a Christian viewpoint. But then Christians are not portrayed kindly. Maybe Jesus only likes the right kind of Christians? If Nell’s family weren’t a bunch of naive rural folk and Cotton weren’t an uppity fake, the exorcism would have had better results? Whew, that’s sacrilegious even for me. Let’s move on.

There are some genuinely unnerving moments in the film. Ashley Bell as Nell is scary in how convincingly she can flip from innocent girl to furious demon, plus she does all her own contortions. I loved the creepy scene when a possessed Nell looks in the mirror, but it’s foggy and her face isn’t quite visible. Overall, I was impressed. Check it out if you’re in the mood for a tale of an exorcism gone wrong, produced by Eli Roth.

‘The Langoliers’: Siiiigh

Ten passengers on a plane awake from a nap to find that everyone else—including the pilot—has disappeared. Fortunately the captain apparently put the plane on autopilot before vanishing, and Brian the off-duty pilot (David Morse) is onboard. Besides Brian, there’s British spy Nick (Mark Lindsay Chapman), schoolteacher Laurel (Patricia Wettig), blind psychic kid Dinah (Kate Maberly), teenagers Albert (Christopher Collet) and Bethany (Kimber Riddle), mystery writer Bob (Dean Stockwell), average guys Rudy (Baxter Harris) and Don (Frankie Faison), and dangerous psychopath Craig (Bronson Pinchot). Turns out they flew into a rip in the time/space continuum, leaving them slightly in the past. That’s fixable, but they also have to contend with Craig’s shenanigans, like stabbing people. They’re also menaced by the Langoliers, which are basically flying meatballs with teeth. Their mission is thus to gas up the plane and get away before the monsters get them.

I first saw this movie when it was new, in 1995. I was twelve, and idolized Stephen King. (I still felt a wave of affection for him on my most recent viewing during his cameo as Craig’s boss—how can you not love that nasal voice and adorable turtle face?) And every time I see it, I like it less. Not King’s best work to begin with, it’s even worse as a made-for-TV movie. Despite being in a good mood, I was annoyed with almost all of the characters: Brian for having an ugly mustache, Nick for being a James Bond rip-off, Laurel for being cutesy-poo, Dinah for being whiny and pessimistic, Rudy for having no character development aside from being perpetually hungry, Bob for being a King archetype (the jolly elderly guy who’s either a writer or English teacher), Albert for looking like the first blue Power Ranger, Bethany for alternating between cynical and hysterical, and Craig for being rude and insane. But I loves me some Frankie Faison, so Don is great, really the only likable character.

lang3 — I don’t remember Wonder Woman showing up, but that would certainly have been an improvement

The acting is good, aside from Maberly, who at thirteen was the youngest cast member, but it’s not all her fault—much of her dialogue sounds completely unnatural (tell me what child says stuff like, “They’ve all gone!”). I’m also irked at how (as often happens in King’s works) the men figure out what’s happening, while the women dither and wait to be kissed. After four hours, I felt as if I too had slipped into the time/space continuum, waiting for this mammoth to trundle to the particularly insufferable last fifteen minutes.

lang2 — King doing an impression of his agent

I recommend it to die-hard King fans (the kind who climb in his window pitching story ideas) and no one else.

‘Koma’ Has a Lot of Heart (and Other Organs)

Chinese movie, AKA Gau Min; in Cantonese, with subtitles. Ching (Angelica Lee) gets drunk in a hotel at her friend’s wedding, and accidentally stumbles upon a bloody woman whose kidney has just been stolen. She lays the blame on Ling (Karena Kar-Yan Lam), who coincidentally has been sleeping with Ching’s boyfriend Wai (Andy Chi-On Hui). Ling begins threatening and stalking her. However, when Ching is attacked by the kidney thief (an irony because she has renal failure and could use a new kidney herself), Ling fights him off. Though Ling is still surly and contemptuous of Ching, the two gradually become friends. But things take a sinister turn when the kidney thief comes back into their lives.

It’s interesting how class puts a wall between Ching and Ling. Ching is wealthy but has failing health, while Ling is healthy but needs money to bring her dying mother home from the hospital. Ling is physically and emotionally stronger (at least she’s constantly saying so). Yet somehow they’re friends. Speaking of which, in the Asian horror movies I’ve seen, it seems like many of them focus on women and their relationships with each other (whether they’re heroines or mean girls getting their comeuppance), while men are background features and romantic relationships are downplayed.

I feel there’s a lot to like here. I love urban legends, so I enjoy the inclusion of the missing kidney tale. The performances are good, as are the special effects. It’s really more a psychological thriller than a horror movie (hence no hairy ghosts), but it can get pretty gory. And homoerotic, at least according to the movie posters: