GhoulieJoe

‘Killer Klowns from Outer Space’: ‘The Blob’, but with Clowns

Mike (Grant Cramer) and Debbie (Suzanne Snyder) are two young people in love. Their evening at a make-out spot is interrupted by, as the title suggests, killer clowns from outer space. The clowns’ game is kidnapping people, wrapping them in cotton candy cocoons, and drinking their essence with a silly straw. Har dee har har. Mike, Debbie, Debbie’s cop friend Dave (John Allen Nelson), and Mike’s friends Rich (Michael S. Siegel) and Paul (Peter Licassi) band together to stop their town from being consumed by hilarity.

I had grown up hearing about Killer Klowns from Outer Space, but only sat down to watch it after my friend Tabbitha suggested that I review it. It actually wasn’t as bad as I expected. It’s goofy, and the special effects are sub-par. It’s also so ‘80s that moments after taking a shower, Debbie’s bangs are teased into a poof. However, it’s meant to be stupid. (I think.) The film doesn’t take itself seriously, and physical humor abounds. As creepy as the clowns can be, the deaths are played for laughs. To me, it seems like a loving tribute to the goofy sci-fi movies of the ‘50s. There are quite a few similarities to The Blob in particular, from the gruff cop who thinks the protagonists are out to get him, the farmer who first stumbles onto the creatures, a goofy theme song incorporating the title of the movie, a spunky heroine who keeps her clothes on (there is a brief shower scene, but all we see of Debbie is her stomach, ankles, and shoulders), to the group of rambunctious youngsters.

There’s one scene that’s pretty creepy. Dave comes upon the corpse of his surly co-worker Mooney (John Vernon)—it’s in the hands of a klown, who’s using it like a ventriloquist’s dummy.

“Don’t worry, Dave. All we wanna do is kill you.”–actual quote

Give it a look if you’re in the mood for that ultimate gourmet mixture of cheesy and corny.

‘Jeepers Creepers’: Eerie, Yet Ludicrous

Darry (Justin Long) and his sister Trish (Gina Philips) are driving home from college when they’re menaced by a guy driving a big truck. They later see the same guy dump what looks to be a body in a drainpipe. Darry has the brilliant idea of looking to see what’s down there. He finds a “House of Pain”: a bunch of sewn-together corpses and torture equipment. In their endeavor to inform the local police they meet psychic Jezelle (Patricia Belcher), who lets them in on a little secret: the guy is actually The Creeper, a creature that’s on a 23-day people-eating spree—and they have something he likes.

jeep5 — Aw, it’s the classic superstitious lady of color, here to tell the whities what to do about the antagonist

The film is somehow creepy and ridiculous at the same time. Disturbing when Jezelle tells of her vision of one of them screaming in the dark while the song “Jeepers Creepers” plays. But kind of asinine when The Creeper goes to amazing lengths to scare up some food, including driving a truck (with personalized plates, no less—he must have gotten some stares at the DMV while he was filling out the paperwork). The Creeper isn’t even scary-looking; he’s over-CGI’d and sprouts fins when he’s excited, which just makes him look silly.

On the plus side, Justin Long and Gina Philips make an adorable team, and the characters feel genuine to me (she calls him “brat,” like my older brother does to my sisters and me). It’s not super original, but it’s still interesting and doesn’t have the familiar feel of a clichéd horror movie. However, it does reference those conventions, for example when Trish runs The Creeper over. “You think he’s dead?” Darry asks. “They never are,” she replies, preparing to crush him some more.

In an interesting change of gender roles, Trish as the older sister is the more dominant person. She’s often driving the car, which she insisted on driving home in. She generally makes better and more logical decisions than Darry. She’s the one holding it all together while he freaks out. As she tells The Creeper when he tries to take Darry, “I’m stronger—you want me!”

Gah, this song is probably scarier than the whole movie–there’s just something terrifying about old-timey white crooners

It’s well-written (in that there’s no dialogue that makes me want to rip my hair out) and the likable characters make it fun—check it out if you like a good truck-drivin’ monster movie.

‘Jacob’s Ladder’: Rich in Biblical Goodness (and Creepy AF)

Jacob (Tim Robbins) is a friendly postal worker who is also a Vietnam veteran. His fairly comfortable life with his girlfriend Jezzie (the wonderful, late Elizabeth Peña) is disrupted by sudden hallucinations: he has war flashbacks and also horrible visions of monsters. One night he wakes up in bed with his ex-wife Sarah (Patricia Kalember), as if nothing happened between them, and his son Gabe (Macauley Culkin), who died, is still alive. He’s contacted by a pack of soldier buddies (including Ving Rhames, Eriq La Salle, and Pruitt Taylor Vince), who are also having problems. They suspect the military performed experiments on them, but when they mysteriously die, Jacob is left to wonder alone what is actually reality as the apparitions get worse.

Getting my recommendation out early, I recommend it especially to Christians and other bible enthusiasts who like horror movies (I know you’re out there). The film is chock full of biblical references, from names to events and concepts like hell and angels. I myself don’t understand them all; I’m pretty much stuck after the names—actually, I can’t even remember who Jacob and Sarah are in the bible, though Jezebel and Gabe are pretty obvious, and Jacob himself points out his other two sons Jed and Eli are named after prophets.

Unrelated to this particular paragraph, just puttin it here for funsies

This film is extremely creepy, and also innovative. This may be the first movie to use the “whirring and vibrating head” technique (thank you production notes for the definition of such a hard-to-describe occurrence), much utilized by William Malone. Seeing as how Jacob is the main character, we’re stuck with him through all the crazy things he sees. His hallucination of Jezzie with a tail made #21 on Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments.

To me the eeriest part is when he hurts his back. He’s laid out on the street, and a guy in a Santa Claus costume steals his wallet—it’s a low-angle shot from Jacob’s point of view, which makes the guy appear to tower over Jacob. Then he’s on a gurney in a nightmare hospital, with blood on the walls, body parts on the floor, and patients in straitjackets leering at him—not to mention more whirring heads. After all that, a doctor with no eyes sticks a giant needle in Jacob’s head.

The first time I saw the movie, I also watched a making-of documentary, where the director discusses how the audience is supposed to want Jacob to be back with Sarah. I didn’t agree at the time; I liked Jezzie, probably because I like Elizabeth Peña. On my most recent viewing I noted that Jezzie is just plain mean. She tells Jacob that Sarah looks like a bitch, she can’t remember his kids’ names (not even Gabe, whom she refers to as “the dead one”), and is furious with Jacob for freaking out at a party after having terrifying hallucinations. I had difficulty finding images of her from the movie that weren’t sneering, but here are two I like:

Linda Cardellini fans, observe that two actresses in the movie have played her mother: Elizabeth Peña in Strangeland, and Becky Ann Baker, who has a small role here as a nurse, in Freaks and Geeks. Comedy fans, note quick appearances by Lewis Black and Kyle Gass. It’s a classic, so check it out whether or not you get the references.

‘J-Horror Anthology: Underworld’–Gore on a Limited Financial Plan

Japanese movie, organized into six segments. “Chain Mail” shows three snobby teens getting their comeuppance from a girl they accidentally killed; “Left Behind in the Mountain” features a cruel prankster being taught a lesson; “Tattoo” is about a prostitute with a supernatural ink job; “Lost in Memory” concerns three young men and their ethereal friend; “Guardian Angel” illustrates a woman and her grandmother’s kindly ghost; “Mortuary” has a medical student haunted by car accident victims.

Like J-Horror Anthology: Legends, the stories are low-budget, but far from trashy. (Amusingly, in one scene from “Lost in Memory” we spend a few minutes seeing the world from a busted camcorder, putting the return to the cheap but functional cameras used for the rest of the movie in perspective.) The acting is decent, and so is the writing. The only aspect of the film I find silly is the host, who gives commentary before and after each segment. Something must be lost in translation, because often his ramblings don’t make much sense, like this statement from out of the blue: “What, forgot it? You don’t remember anymore?”

The film seems to have fewer moral lessons than Legends, but I’d say that a resounding theme in half of the stories is that technology is impersonal and desensitizes us. For example, Koichi from “Left Behind in the Mountain” is able to pick up girls with ease with a dating service on his cell phone (and then dump them in the woods when they don’t put out). Or “Chain Mail,” wherein the angry ghost kills by email.

I think the most intriguing segment is “Tattoo.” It explores topics not often touched upon in the Asian horror films I’ve seen: prostitution, tattoos, and rape. Also, the tattoo artist could be construed as gay. She doesn’t shy away from handling her client’s breast and comments on her own “open-minded lifestyle.” She practically lies on tops of her customer to do the tattoo, and the sequence is shot like a love scene. Though few of the stories have the punch or squirm-inducing eeriness of Legends (“Chain Mail” has its moments); check it out if you’re in the mood for something thought-provoking and entertaining.

In lieu of a trailer, which I could not find, here’s “Chain Mail”:

‘J-Horror Anthology: Legends’–Scares and Campy Fun

Japanese movie, AKA Inagawa Junji no shinjitsu no horror. It consists of six short films. “Peony Lamp” concerns a young samurai and his ghostly paramour; “She Bear” shows two girls and their run-in with a monster; “Yamamba” is about two reporters looking for a legendary creature; “Nurarihyon” deals with a friendly ghost and the family he saves; “Heartbroken Trip” reveals a young woman who finds out that a failed relationship is the least of her worries at a haunted lodge; “Lost Souls” illustrates the dangers of being too curious for a young couple.

It’s very low-budget, but special effects aren’t relied on too much, and when they are used, they’re passable. Where it gets a bit silly for me (besides “Nurarihyon,” which is meant to be funny—my favorite scene is the ghost tossing robbers through the air, with subsequent robbers running up to challenge him, each shouting, “You rascal!”) is the host; he’s an elderly guy who sits in uncomfortable-looking chairs, delivering opening and closing thoughts for each segment. Most of his dialogue somewhat relates to the stories, but sometimes he just says random stuff like, “When you notice, it’s always next to you.”

It definitely has its creepy moments. “Yamamba” has an eerie premise: she eats people who talk about her. “Heartbroken Trip” provides a hair-raising scene when protagonist Chiharu is looking in the mirror, and her reflection becomes an evil ghost. Then there’s She Bear, who is truly scary; she doesn’t show her face, and spends much of her screen time crawling, menacing people with scissors, and mumbling gibberish—she’s a dangerous enigma.

I like how each story has valuable life lessons. For example “Lost Souls”: when a guy tells you not to look at a family of ghosts, you better not do it. Or, for Yoshiko and Rika from “She Bear,” the lesson seems to be that they should spend more time studying (Rika thinks H2O means oxygen), and spend less time buying jewelry, because a crazy lady with scissors wants their “pretty bracelet that hangs from the neck.”

I first watched this with my sister Suzy; we joked our way through it, as is our way. But I was not amused when later that night I had to walk up the driveway alone to my dark house. Give it a look if you can find it–it’s rather obscure.

In lieu of a trailer, which I could not find, here is my favorite, “She Bear”:

James Wan’s ‘Insidious’: Effective Jump Scares and Eerie Sights

Josh (Patrick Wilson) and Renai (Rose Byrne) are a loving couple with three kids who were clearly named by an Australian scriptwriter: baby Cali and older sons Dalton (Ty Simpkins) and Foster (Andrew Astor). Dalton suddenly goes into a coma-like state that doctors can’t explain. The person who can explain it is family friend Elise (Lin Shaye); she says Dalton was traveling in the astral plane and got lost. Meanwhile, ghosts are fighting over possession of his physical body. There is also a demon that’s pretty close to getting in, too. Josh learns he has a similar traveling ability, and guided by Elise and her assistants Specs (Leigh Whannell) and Tucker (Angus Sampson), sets out to save his son.

Insidious is the scariest movie I’ve seen since The Strangers. I saw it in the theatre, and it kept me up that night. My sisters and our partners giggled at the cheesy opening (a loud “Bwaum!” sound and a title card), but I quickly realized the filmmakers meant business. There are a number of skin-crawling moments, my favorite being the scene when Renai is menaced by a ghost stomping outside her window, and then this happens:

This movie is especially unnerving to watch as a parent. I felt for Renai when she struggles to feed her younglings breakfast and make an important phone call: “Talk to agent!” Josh is barely involved, and while of course he is saddened by Dalton’s state, he buries himself in work, leaving Renai to cope alone. The filmmakers make excellent use of a baby monitor’s scare potential as Renai hears a creepy voice over the monitor: “There’s nothing you can do. Nothing you can do. Give me it. I want it!” Indeed, there’s nothing Renai and Josh can do; throughout the film, they’re clueless as to how to help their son—a parent’s worst nightmare.

"Is that you, baby?" — Oh shit look how low she is in that high angle shot!

However, there are aspects that dull the scares, like an odd scene when a demon listens to “Tiptoe through the Tulips.”

There is also the question of how Renai and Josh can afford such a palatial home, as Renai is unemployed and Josh is a high school teacher. And then there’s the cheesy nod to Saw, with Josh’s chalkboard bearing a picture of the film’s mascot. Specs and Tucker seem to exist mainly for comic relief (Elise, Specs, and Tucker are also pretty blatant rip-offs of the ghost-hunting team in Poltergeist). Furthermore, there is the question of where Cali and Foster disappear to—ostensibly they go to Josh’s mother’s house, but while she is present at the end of the movie, they aren’t. However, it’s all worth it. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for sinister ghosts with creepy grins.

ins3 — “Come hang out with us, Josh. Being a ghost is a real source of hilarity.”

John Carpenter’s ‘In the Mouth of Madness’ is Deliciously Twisted

John (Sam Neill) is an insurance investigator with a dim view of humanity. He’s hired by a publishing company to track down its star writer Sutter Cane (Jürgen Prochnow), who has disappeared with the last half of his new book, In the Mouth of Madness. John and editor Styles (Julie Carmen) take off for small-town New England, thinking he’s hiding in Hobb’s End, the town where his books take place. Turns out Cane’s new book is about “the end of everything”—and it’s not fiction.

One of the more striking aspects of the film is the recalcitrant author’s resemblance to Stephen King—at least in terms of popularity, a cult-like following, and his work regarded as “horror crap.” Stylistically Cane is actually more like H.P. Lovecraft, who also wrote about New England. The name Pickman, used in the film, is plucked from Lovecraft’s work. Cane’s tone, dialogue, use of tentacle creatures and description of “the old ones” is also more like Lovecraft. As Styles says, regarding Cane’s massive book sales, “You can forget about Stephen King.”

mad6 — Sutter Cane…wonder what makes people immediately think of Stephen King?

Something else interesting is the film’s gloomy tone, often dimly lit and frequented by nightmare sequences. John is cheerful enough in his misanthropy, but overall it seems like people are depicted as violent brain-dead sheep, ready to riot at any given moment. Then there’s the chilling motif throughout of reality vs. unreality (as John says, “I’m not a piece of fiction”) and sane vs. insane. As Styles points out, when the insane are the majority, then the sane would by default be insane. John agrees, volunteering to live in a mental hospital, claiming, “It’s safer in here now.”

I really don’t have any complaints about the movie. Cane’s creatures are left to the imagination for the most part, but the special effects aren’t bad for the mid-90s—I particularly like the scene when Cane rips himself like paper to reveal the portal for the old ones.

mad3 — Ooh, he’s gonna feel that in the morning

My favorite scene is when John watches the movie version of In the Mouth of Madness. He watches footage of his own exploits and laughs hysterically, his eyes bulging with mirth—and madness. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for some mid-’90s creepiness.

mad4 — Not the exact image I wanted–picture him 10% more crazed

‘Igor’: My Kind of (Re)Animation Movie

Malaria is a simple country, where the people are poor and sell evil inventions to support themselves. It’s populated mainly by mad scientists and their assistants, called Igors, who are second-class citizens. One particular Igor (John Cusack) is our protagonist. When his master Dr. Glickenstein (John Cleese) dies unexpectedly, he sees his chance to pursue his own research for creating life. He and his pals Brain (Sean Hayes), an ironically not-so-bright brain in a jar and Scamper (Steve Buscemi), an immortal bunny with a death wish, create monster Eva (Molly Shannon). Unfortunately for Igor, Eva is kind and gentle, and not likely to win the evil science fair. An attempt to brainwash her only inspires her to become an actress. Igor’s rival Dr. Schadenfreude (Eddie Izzard) steals Eva for himself, prompting Igor and friends to rescue her.

It’s meant for children, but there are multiple plot points that can come across as inappropes. Dr. Glickenstein’s death is off-screen, but his severed arm is brandished in more than one scene. Then there’s Scamper continuously trying to kill himself. One character is an invisible man who refuses to wear pants. There is a euphemistic reference to bathroom functions, and Scamper speculates Eva may be having a “woman problem.” There’s also the mistreatment and abuse of Igors, culminating in their being recycled for parts.

Warnings aside, there is plenty to like from a parental standpoint, for instance the theme of always being yourself and the underdog overcoming adversity. It also dispatches with the typical notions of beauty that are generally shoved down kids’ throats. Our protagonists are a buggy-eyed hunchback and a giant misshapen monster—and they are wonderful. The two characters that approach traditional beauty—Schadenfreude and his girlfriend (Jennifer Coolidge)—are evil and shallow.

I also enjoy the offbeat humor in the movie, like Igor having a “Yes Masters” degree. I also like the scene when Igor chases Brain with an axe, and Brain shouts, “This is why people are afraid of hunchbacks!” Basically my only gripe is towards the end, when people uncharacteristically and abruptly respect the Igors. If you’re in the mood for gallows humor and PG action, give this one a look.

1993’s ‘Hocus Pocus’: Witchy Hijinx and Nostalgia!

Salem, Massachusetts, 1693: Winnie (Bette Midler), Mary (Kathy Najimy), and Sarah (Sarah Jessica Parker) are three evil but not-so-bright witches who tend to eat children’s souls to become immortal. Angry villagers hang them, but 300 years later young protagonist Max (Omri Katz), while trying to impress love interest Allison (Vinessa Shaw), brings the ladies back to life. They waste no time in trying to once again claim victims—in particular Max’s little sister Dani (Thora Birch). The three kids (plus talking cat Thackery and reanimated corpse Billy) team up to put an end to the sisters’ villainy for good.

It’s made by Disney, but as with any Disney film, it’s not all sweetness and light. The witches have a pretty grim habit, and do manage to actually kill a little girl (though she’s not a main character). Mary excitedly calls Dani “shish-ka-baby.” Thackery gets run over and flattened, but he’s immortal, and re-inflates himself. Billy, the aforementioned corpse, is a little the worse for wear, but not altogether gory or bloody; he looks a lot like the zombies in the “Thriller” video. The word “virgin” comes up pretty consistently, as a virgin is needed to summon the sisters. Sarah has the unsettling habit of wanting to toy with her teenage victims, asking Winnie to “Hang him on a hook and let me play with him.”

However, I saw the movie first when I was ten or so, and it didn’t damage me. It was a big part of my childhood, and I still enjoy it. Actually, I work at the public library, and that movie is still in pretty big demand, especially around Halloween. On my current edit in 2022, the long-awaited sequel just dropped. It’s a kids’ movie at heart, so there’s also the lesson that Max learns about not taking his little sister for granted. It can be funny at times; even as an adult my favorite scene is when the witches lose their brooms—Sarah rides a mop, and Wendy rides a vacuum. The special effects aren’t terrible for 1993. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for a wholesome but occasionally guresome tale.

‘Hellbound: Hellraiser II’: Think Outside the Box with Kirsty!

The film takes place a few hours after the first movie left off (despite being released four years later). Kirsty is trapped in a mental hospital because she won’t stop raving about burning the mattress Julia died on. The evil head psychiatrist there, Dr. Channard (Kenneth Cranham), is making obsessive puzzle-solver Tiffany (Imogen Boorman) open the Lemarchand box. In addition, the doctor is killing patients to bring Julia back from the dead. Kirsty and Tiffany team up to send Julia, Pinhead, and the whole pasty bunch back where they came from.

hb3 — Clearly the cenobites are the avians of the monster world, with the males having the more dramatic plumage

Unlike the first, this one’s not directed by Clive Barker, but he’s at least an executive producer and has writing credit. Returning cast from the original includes Ashley Laurence as Kirsty, Claire Higgins as Julia, Doug Bradley as Pinhead, Nicholas Vince as the Chattering Cenobite, and Sean Chapman as Uncle Frank. So two of my cardinal rules for sequels (has something to do with the previous movie and has people who worked on the original) are met.

hb2 — Ju-li-a! Ju-li-a! She’s much more likable in the sequel than the original

My only gripe (besides a few one-liners) is that the rules of Hellraiser are disregarded (another of my cardinal rules for sequels is that the logic of the previous films must be upheld); the cenobites come when Tiffany opens their box, but Pinhead decides to leave her alone, claiming, “It is not hands that call us. It is desire.” If that were the case, why did they chase Kirsty around in the first movie, and continue to pester her in this one? Also, why does Kirsty’s boyfriend Steve get to leave, and why does he never come back? Otherwise the acting continues to be stellar and the special effects passable for the ‘80s.

As per usual in the series, it’s not for the weak of stomach. But it does have the interesting theme that the human mind is like a labyrinth. Check it out if you’re in the mood for an intelligent and well-spoken iconic baddie and some kick-ass female characters.