GhoulieJoe

‘Hellbent’: A Gay Slasher You Can Get Behind

Lonely wannabe cop Eddie (Dylan Fergus) and his buddies: bisexual bed-hopper Chaz (Andrew Levitas), awkward Joey (Hank Harris), and studly Tobey (Matt Phillips) head out to the West Hollywood Halloween Carnival to get some bootie. Eddie is especially interested in Jake (Bryan Kirkwood), a hottie he met earlier. They catch the attention of a masked killer, and not all of them live to see November 1st.

Slashers are not usually an equal opportunity genre (actually this movie is considered the first gay slasher) so bravo to the filmmakers (writer/director Paul Etheredge is a real-live gay guy) for creating a cast of non-stereotypical but sexually active queer guys who can take a blow from a phallic weapon as well as any heterosexual woman.

In my review of the lesbian slasher movie Make a Wish I expressed annoyance at how that movie is unoriginal and exploitive. I don’t have similar issues with Hellbent because even though the characters are less than brainy and just as horny, at least they have a little character development and better dialogue; they also don’t throw their clothes off like they’re on fire.

Speaking of flaming, as I mentioned previously the guys aren’t Hollywood stereotypes. They’re not overly feminine or masculine—they’re just squirrels trying to get a nut. Amusingly, they taunt the killer (not knowing who he is), ogling him, mooning him, and exclaiming, “He’s got a fucking knife, the kinky bastard.”

Hellbent is strangely like yet unlike other slasher movies. It mocks the conventions of the genre, for example the opening scene featuring two guys parked in the woods, making out. Victim #1, hanging his head out the window, gets it lopped off and involuntarily kicks. “Holy shit,” says his companion, “You really are ticklish!” It’s often somewhat funny, and never scary, but always entertaining. It’s low budget, but not painfully so. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for a cute stabathon.

‘The Haunting’ (1999): I Enjoyed it More Than the Original–Come at Me!

Dr. Marrow (Liam Neeson) is a psychologist conducting an experiment ostensibly about insomnia but actually about his desire to “investigate the dynamics of fear.” This equals taking naive Eleanor (Lili Taylor), sex kitten Theo (Catherine Zeta-Jones), and goofy Luke (Owen Wilson) and testing their reactions to a supposed haunting in the giant mansion they’re staying in. Things backfire when the ghosts in the house take a shine to Eleanor and decide they want her to stay and play with them forever.

I have nothing against Lili Taylor; I loved her in movies when her character is less than heroic like The Conjuring and I Shot Andy Warhol, but Eleanor gets on my nerves. She’s childish and self-centered. Like the scene when she talks about the mansion with its housekeeper Mrs. Dudley (Marian Seldes). Eleanor is going on about how pretty the carvings of children’s faces are, and Mrs. Dudley sourly notes that it’s just more to dust for her. Eleanor blah blahs more about how she likes the house. “You must love working here,” she concludes. Yes, it sure must be great having to clean a house the size of a football stadium. Eleanor is often equated with children. She is singled out by the kids to help them, but it’s less like she’s a mother figure and more like she’s one of them. In one scene she kneels by a statue of a woman reading to kids, and she fits right in with them. Her cavalier attitude toward helping the ghosts is refreshing, but then she gets even more obnoxious—the multiple scenes of her finding something, getting scared, and running away are tiresome.

There are some things to like. The special effects are pretty good for 1999. It’s not terrifically gory; it’s thoughtful. Like Dr. Marrow, we are observing how the characters react in their crazy setting. It’s not very scary either; there’s one scene that’s kind of creepy when the wall fixtures in Eleanor’s room turn into eyes and glare at her while the kid-head carvings turn into scared, screaming faces. However, that bit with the carvings gets used a good two more times and by then has lost its creepiness factor. The house is a little eerie, since so many of the decorations and fixtures look like eyes.

But the ending, as per usual for Hollywood movies, turns crappy, as well as terrifically sappy. I saw it in the theatre very shortly after coming out of the closet as bisexual, and the character of Theo was exciting. (I’ve heard that a love scene between Theo and Eleanor was shot but not used; I’ve looked for a DVD with deleted scenes but haven’t found one yet). Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something serious but kinda cheesy. And less boring than the boring original.

1958’s ‘The Blob’: Action-Packed with Squishy Goodness

Teenager Steve (Steve McQueen) and his best girl Jane (Aneta Corsaut) have a major problem on their hands when a comet crash-lands in their town and leaves behind the Blob. It tends to do unpleasant things like eat people alive. As per usual for ‘50s sci-fi/horror movies, the kids run to the authority figures, who initially refuse to believe them, concluding that “It’s part of their plan to make us look silly.” But eventually the blob rears its goopy head in front of the whole town, which unites to stop its reign of terror.

blob2 — “What gives? Where you cats going? I pay like eleven dollars a month for this air conditioning!”

I find a lot of the sci-fi/horror of this era boring, but I have a soft jelly-like spot in my heart for The Blob. The special effects are pretty good for the late ’50s. It’s entertaining not only because of the corniness, but also the characters are likable. From the cheesy but lovable theme song to the actors who are clearly not teenagers to the wacky lingo (“Hey, what gives? I thought you cats didn’t dig spooky shows”) this movie is just fun.

blob3 — Wait, which ones are the “teenagers” again?

It’s also an interesting study of 1950s sociology, for example how the Blob preys on a man who wants to get drunk and encourages his friend to lie to his wife about his whereabouts. Then there are the gender roles. Jane is pretty spunky; when Steve tries to call her “Janey-girl,” she corrects him: “My name is Jane.” There’s also a minor character who’s so desperate to clean a messy crime scene that she begs the police, “Can’t I just dust around the fingerprints?”

Check out this catchy theme song!

Check it out if you’re in the mood for a time when people were named Mooch, movies cost eighty cents, and teenagers were constantly asking what gives.

‘The Changeling’ is a Classy, Atmospheric Film

Not to be confused with the Angelina Jolie movie Changeling. George C. Scott is John, a recently widowed music professor now living in a mansion that “doesn’t want people.” After noticing odd occurrences like pipes banging every night at the same time, doors opening, faucets running, and his piano playing all seemingly of their own volition, he and his new friend Claire (Trish Van Devere) set out to solve the mystery. A séance reveals that a wheelchair-bound boy named Joseph (Voldi Way) was killed by his father in the bathtub. Since Joseph won’t stop moaning and pounding on said bathtub, John and Claire decide to discover what he wants.

cha2 — “I will defeat you, ball! Look how low you are in this low-angle shot!”

The scene when Claire is chased by a haunted wheelchair made #54 on Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments. If the scene sounds less than thrilling, it is. Sure, it’s cobwebby and moving by itself, but it can barely go down stairs.

In my opinion, the scene when Joseph’s body turns up under the floor in a little girl’s bedroom and stares at her is much more effective, as is his creepy plaintive cry of “Father…my medal…” (referring to a St. Christopher’s medal his father takes from him). It’s about what you can expect from director Peter Medak, who did the least scary episode of Masters of Horror, “The Washingtonians.”

On the whole I find the film more depressing than eerie (a sad ghost is far less scary than a vengeful one), but not a bad watch. It’s an interesting psychological study of a practical man becoming a believer in the supernatural. It can be a bit slow, but never boring. The score is also very nice—not early ‘80s cheesy at all. Check it out if you’re in the mood for an adult horror story (not that kind of adult!).

‘Hatchet II’: Let it Grow on You

The film picks up moments after the first one ends. Mary Beth, faced with Victor Crowley, escapes by poking him in the eye Three Stooges style and runs away. She teams up with Reverend Zombie, her uncle Bob, Shawn’s twin brother Justin, and a group of hunters and fishermen to return to Honey Island Swamp and get revenge on Crowley. In typical slasher movie fashion they split up and wander the woods like dumbasses until they get picked off. Can they kill an unkillable ghost?

4hatch2 — Mary Beth, Mary Beth, she’s our man, if she can’t do it, no one can!

I read on IMDB that most of the crew from the first movie returns for the sequel, which is awesome. Much of the cast returns as well, like Kane Hodder (who is also the stunt coordinator) as Crowley, Tony Todd as Reverend Zombie, Parry Shen as the twin brother of the character he played in the original, Mercedes McNab as Misty and Joleigh Fiore as Jenna (in footage form), and even John Carl Buechler as Jack Cracker (AKA the guy who drinks pee). Of course there is a new Mary Beth, but seasoned scream queen Danielle Harris is more than able to fill Amara Zaragoza’s shoes. Also added to the cast is mumblecore regular A.J. Bowen and director Tom Holland as Uncle Bob.

Since it’s a sequel, of course the gore ante is upped. This time there’s even more fake blood, and the killings are gooier than ever. For example, there is a man strangled with his own intestines, a jawbone ripped out, a face removed by boat propeller, a chainsaw to the groin, a belt sander to the back of the head, and a torso ripped out of its skin. However, the movie is otherwise a bit slow-paced (but not boring), and the murders don’t begin in earnest until over halfway into the movie. As with the original, the violence is offset with humor. I was amused by some of the reactions to Crowley; Bob puts up his fists like they’re going to box, and Zombie tries to choke him.

3hatch3 — He should have tried using his unabashed sexiness

As per usual for a sequel, the monster is given more of a back-story. It turns out that Crowley’s father had an affair with his dying wife’s nurse, Lena (Erika Hamilton). The wife cursed the resulting pregnancy, causing Crowley’s deformities. What makes this really worth noting is that Crowley’s mother was Black, making him the first biracial slasher movie villain, in theory at least, since Hodder is a white white whitie. As for the other characters, some are likable or at least interesting, such as Mary Beth and the enigmatic Zombie, but the group of victims-in-waiting are quite unremarkable. There’s Cleatus the redneck (Ed Ackerman), John the guy who never says anything (Rick McCallum), Trent the biker-looking guy (R.A. Mihailoff), Chad the camouflage guy (David Foy), former-couple-getting-back-together-in-the-scenic-wonderland-of-the-swamp Layton (Bowen) and Avery (Alexis Kendra), and Vernon (Colton Dunn) the seriously obnoxious guy.

I wasn’t too impressed the first time I saw it, but I liked it better on a second viewing. Probably my growing interest in mumblecore. Check it out if you’re in the mood for bloody slasher movie action.

Adam Green’s ‘Hatchet’: A Gory Modern Take on Old School Horror

Ben (Joel David Moore) and his buddy Marcus (Deon Richmond) head up to the bayou for Mardi Gras. Ben talks Marcus into taking a haunted swamp tour. They and their companions: tour guide Shawn (Parry Shen), married couple Jim and Shannon (Richard Riehle and Patrika Darbo), porno director Doug (Joel Murray) and his subjects Jenna (Joleigh Fiore) and Misty (Mercedes McNab), and sullen loner Mary Beth (Amara Zaragoza) set out to explore the lair of Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder), the ghost of a disfigured man-child who was accidentally killed by his father (also Hodder) while trying to save him from a fire caused by cruel teenagers. Crowley is still hungry for revenge, and begins to pick off the tourists one by one. Does the mysterious Mary Beth have the key to their survival?

I first heard of Hatchet when my husband Andrew told me he wanted to see it because it is, as the tag-line states, “Old School American Horror.” It’s a throwback to ‘70s and early ‘80s horror movies like Eaten Alive, Halloween, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Friday the 13th. A loving tribute, it features cameos from horror gods Robert Englund and Tony Todd, and Kane Hodder of course. The special effects are down-to-earth and practical, as they were in the ’70s before CGI.

Since the films previously mentioned were the “New Horror,” (as they used to be considered in their day) then I suppose Hatchet is the New New Horror. The gore is amped up tremendously, with deaths like a belt sander to the face or a head ripped in half. The gore is liberally sprinkled with dark humor, as the violence is so outlandish it crosses the border into near slapstick.

hatch4 — The practical effects are jaw-dropping

A refreshing aspect of the film is that it does away with the tired paradigm of naughty teenagers equals slaughter. Ben ironically runs into trouble fleeing the excess of Mardi Gras, asking Marcus, “Haven’t you seen enough boobs?” Unfortunately, with the exception of Mary Beth, the female characters do leave something to be desired. Misty is particularly stupid, spouting lines like, “Your nipples are dumb” and “You’re syphilis.” Overall the women are weepy and whiny. Check it out if you’re in the mood for a modern slasher with a boatload of blood.

‘Hard Candy’: Not for the Squeamish

Jeff (Patrick Wilson) is a thirty-two-year-old photographer, and when he’s not taking pictures of underage girls for a living, he’s picking them up through the internet. His newest online prey is fourteen-year-old Hayley (Elliot Page, in his former life as a teenage girl), who agrees to go back to his house and pose for him. Unfortunately for Jeff, Hayley is not as sweet and innocent as she seems; she’s out for blood—and other parts of his anatomy.

One of the aspects of the film that’s done well is its unpredictability; the two main characters are untrustworthy—the viewer is unsure of Hayley and Jeff’s identities from one moment to the next. Is Jeff a pedophile? Is Hayley a sociopath? Worth noting are the excellent performances, particularly by Page. Hayley is brilliant yet insane, at times vulnerable but always with a cheeky comeback to Jeff’s arguments. The film is dialogue-driven like a play but full of interesting quotes, like the following, edited slightly to reduce spoilers.

Jeff Kohlver: You’re getting yourself in terrible trouble.

Hayley Stark: Oh? Oh, and how’s that?

Jeff Kohlver: If you [hurt] me in any way, you won’t forget it. It changes you when you hurt somebody.

Hayley Stark: Oh, and you speak from experience, I guess.

Jeff Kohlver: I’ve just lived. Unlike you. The things you do wrong… they haunt you.

Hayley Stark: Tell me what you’re haunted by.

Jeff Kohlver: Do you wanna remember this day when you’re with a guy? On a date? On your wedding night? ‘Cause I promise you, you will. Don’t do that to yourself.

Hayley Stark: Wow… You know, that is so thoughtful! You are speaking to me so selflessly! I mean, you just don’t want me to [hurt] you for my own benefit? Wow, I’m touched. Jeff, why don’t we imagine someone saying the same thing to you at a random moment? Imagine that when you downloaded this little girl… I was sitting by your side, saying, ‘Stop, don’t do that to yourself.’ Would you have listened? ‘Stop. Don’t do that to yourself.’

Also interesting is the exploration of gender and control. Hayley has very short hair and at one point tries on Jeff’s glasses and jacket. She, despite her small stature (according to the heights reported by IMDB, Page is a full foot shorter than Wilson) and her sex, is completely in control of the situation, something Jeff is not used to—he’s used to manipulating young women. He is totally at Hayley’s mercy; as she tells him, “I’m gonna do what I want, Jeff.” In one scene he flies into a rage and tellingly stabs a picture of a woman in the crotch. Another interesting concept is the question of what age a female matures—what separates a girl from a woman? As Hayley says:

‘She was so sexy. She was asking for it.’ ‘Oh, she was only technically a girl, she acted like a woman.’ It’s just so easy to blame a kid, isn’t it! Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman does not mean she’s ready to do what a woman does.

I’ve seen this movie with a lot of guys, and they tend to side with Jeff eventually—why is best left unsaid for purposes of not revealing too much. But give it a look if you’re in the mood for something provocative and well-written.

‘Hannibal’: Anything’s Better Than the Book it’s Based On

Hannibal picks up a few years after The Silence of the Lambs left off. Clarice Starling (Julianne Moore replaces Jodie Foster) is in trouble with the FBI over a drug bust gone wrong. Her career has basically been a disappointment, since she never managed to get ahead; she’s still being held back because she’s a woman, particularly by agent Paul Krendler (Ray Liotta). Meanwhile, Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins), who has been holing up in Italy, comes back to the States to see Clarice again. Further meanwhile, Mason (Gary Oldman), the only survivor of Lecter’s attacks, has been plotting an elaborate revenge scheme that involves feeding Lecter to pigs. The three narratives come together when Clarice saves Lecter from Mason and Lecter saves Clarice from Paul. Clarice, being the super cop she is, doesn’t want to let Lecter escape again, but he of course has plans of his own.

I can’t help but think of the book by Thomas Harris when I watch the movie; it’s one of the rare cases when the adaptation improves upon the material. I want to clarify: I’m a big Harris fan, I loved Cari Mora when no one else did. BUT. In the movie, Clarice is honorable, always trying to catch Lecter, no matter how she feels about him. In the book, she falls in love with him, and they run off together. (I am not joking, I wish I were.) Which I’ve always hated. First of all, Hannibal Lecter is just not boyfriend material. I’ve dated a few weirdos, but none of them have ever killed and eaten anyone. Nor have they dug up the skeleton of a close family member to help with unresolved anger issues. Harris mentions repeatedly, in his disturbingly fawning way, how not quite human Lecter is, how he’s on a completely different plane than everyone else. Even Clarice is prey to him, a fact that’s highlighted in a scene when he watches her jog. The language of the novel equates her with the deer in the park: “Hannibal Lecter closed his eyes to see again the deer bounding ahead of Starling, to see her come bounding down the path…”

I much prefer movie Clarice, who is far less compliant and drugged out when Lecter holds her captive. While there are characters in the book that I miss in the movie (like Mason’s wacky sister Margot, who’s trying to get her girlfriend pregnant, and Ardelia Mapp), also deleted from the book are a dozen irritating details, such as the foul-mouthed mother who meets undercover Lecter on a plane when her son is begging food from him; the phrase “She poked it with her diaper finger” will forever haunt me. But overall, the most significant changes concern the ending; most plot points and even most of the dialogue in the movie comes straight from the book.

han5 — Maaaaaapp! Image courtesy of https://littleblogofhorrors666.wordpress.com/

Of course my biggest gripe about the movie is that Jodie Foster didn’t reprise her role, but I also like Julianne Moore, and she does an admirable job. And Hopkins came back, along with Frankie Faison as Barney. The other performances are terrific; I particularly enjoy Oldman (the acting, not the person), the man of a thousand faces and voices. It’s a tense and intense movie. There are a lot of disturbing but creative aspects, like a high Mason being induced by Lecter to cut off his own face. I saw Hannibal when it was new, and I remember leaving the theatre in a daze. While it’s my least favorite of the series, it holds a special (but itchy) place in my heart, like an annoying person who’s really nice. Check it out if you’re in the mood for an action movie with imaginative gore.

han4 — Krendler has a dirty mind; hopefully Dr. Lecter did some brainwashing first

William Friedkin’s ‘The Guardian’: It’s Worth at Least a Perfunc-tree Glance

Camilla (Jenny Seagrove) is the world’s best nanny. She’s sweet, knowledgeable, and works weekends. Too bad she’s also a Druid priestess (it’s quite the ma-tree-archy) who tends to sacrifice her young charges to a baby-eating tree. Up-and-coming couple Phil (Dwier Brown) and Kate (Carey Lowell) hire her, feeling blessed that all she asks in return for her hard work is Tuesday nights off. Meanwhile she’s getting baby Jake ready to make like a tree and leaf. Phil and Kate figure out the situation, and they have to stop Camilla from going out on a limb.

guard5 — “Don’t you think your baby should take a nap?” “Why?” “For rest.” “That’s a-corny joke!” “Well, I think that tree puns never ar-boring.”

It’s directed by William Friedkin, who did The Exorcist, but it’s nowhere near as scary; it’s not even creepy, for the most part. However, what it lacks in scares, it tries to make up for in literary allusions that give it a little depth, making it tolerable even with dialogue like “Get your hands off my baby!”. It begins with a reference to “Hansel and Gretel.” Young Scott Sheridan (Jacob Gelman), Camilla’s last client before Jake, is reading his baby sister the pop-up book version of the story, which includes a big spooky tree—nice foreshadowing, both with the tree and the evil woman initially trusted by the children, who turns out to be murderous. It’s the only really eerie scene. Later, there’s a nod to Roman mythology. Camilla (also known as Diana to the Sheridans) is bathing in the woods. Phil’s (creepy) friend Ned (Brad Hall), who’s infatuated with her, has been following her and catches a glimpse of her naked. She sends coyotes to chase and eat him. This is a neat retelling of the story of the goddess Diana, who when seen taking a bath by a hunter, turns him into a deer so his own dogs kill him.

guard4 — No, no, no, fuck you, movie! I can’t even! That’s a *baby!* *Starts bawling.*

Such moments are undermined by less great scenes, for example when Camilla is chased by three muggers/would-be rapists. They’re walking clichés, from their leather jackets and switchblades to their utterances like “Cut the bitch.” I was eagerly waiting for Camilla to smite them with her womyn powers, but instead she just runs to her tree and lets it do her work for her. But there is a nifty shot of her lounging serenely on a branch while the baddies are getting chomped and pummeled.

guard3 — “You’ll pay for this tree-chery.”

I came away from the film ambivalent; I can’t decide whether its good points outweigh the bad. I watched it a time or two with childhood horror movie buddy Hope, so it has the nostalgia factor for me. Watching the film as a new parent, I expected to be horrified, especially when the Sheridan baby gets it. Instead, I mainly felt indignant, thinking how I would never let a stranger come into my house and handle my baby. I worked myself up into a pretty good lather close to the end of the movie, when Jake has to go to the hospital. Camilla, having been fired, shows up anyway and begins unhooking Jake from his medical equipment so she can take him. Phil is momentarily away, and Kate is just standing there saying, “Camilla, stop it!” Hells no. In the end, it’s worth a watch; give it a look if you’re in the mood for something silly but kinda smart.

guard2 — “It’d be totally rad if you’d, like, not take our baby.”

‘Gothika’: Slick High-Budget Horror with Actors You’ve Heard Of

Halle Berry is Dr. Miranda, a prison psychiatrist. Among her many tasks is counseling Chloe (Penelope Cruz), who’s convinced the devil is raping her. Miranda’s smug sureness of who’s crazy and who’s not is challenged when after an encounter with a ghostly girl, she wakes up in a cell at her work, suspected of murdering her husband (Charles S. Dutton). She gets firsthand experience of what it’s like to be insane, as she keeps having visions of the girl. Miranda has to figure out what the ghost wants (does it have anything to do with Chloe’s rapist?) and who really killed her husband.

I read a negative review of this movie on Campblood.org, and though its editor Buzz is my hero (soooo much funnier and more insightful than me), I disagree with him in regards to how terrible he says it is. It has its good points. It has fine acting, a plot that makes sense, and a decent score by John Ottman. While it’s not scary, it is creepy in that Miranda’s well-ordered world is falling apart around her and she begins acting like her patients.

goth3 — Look, it’s John Carroll Lynch! Back then, he was best known for playing Drew Carey’s brother on TV.

My own complaints about the movie stem from disbelieving that Miranda would be incarcerated in her own workplace and that her colleague Pete (Robert Downey Jr.) would be her doctor. I remember from my former psych major days that it’s unethical to receive treatment from someone you know. It ruined the movie for me the first time I saw it, but I like it a little better every time I see it. I also think it’s brave of Berry to spend most of the movie looking like a mess. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something Hollywood with big production values.