GhoulieJoe

‘Dracula: Dead and Loving It’ is Eternally Amusing

Parody of Dracula movies by way of Mel Brooks. It has the same basic plot as Dracula (mixing aspects of Tod Browning’s 1931 version and Francis Ford Coppola’s 1992 version): Count Dracula (Leslie Nielsen) makes a living (undeading?) drinking blood and corrupting repressed virgins until he crosses the wrong people, namely Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman), his son-in-law Jonathan (Steven Weber), and his buddy Van Helsing (Brooks). They set out to trap Dracula before he turns Seward’s daughter Mina (Amy Yasbeck) into a creature of the night.

Since it’s a spoof, there are lots of homages to the aforementioned Dracula movies, and many of them are funny. I like how Dracula wears the goofy pompadour Gary Oldman has in Bram Stoker’s Dracula—as a hat. Great performances abound, my favorite being Peter MacNichol as Dracula’s witless assistant Renfield, channeling Dwight Frye from Browning’s Dracula. I find the sophisticated humor just as amusing than the slapstick, case in point the first scene featuring Dracula. He enters gracefully, referring to the bats flying around, “Children of the night. What a mess they make.” It’s a slightly reconfigured bit of dialogue from Browning’s film. When he subsequently slips in bat poo and falls down a flight of stairs, it’s almost as funny–that’s the magic of Leslie Nielsen. The physical humor can get a bit tiresome, but I enjoy the scene when Mina and her maid Essie (Megan Cavanagh), both under hypnosis and being given commands by Dracula, trip over the furniture and bump into each other:

Having seen the movie in the theatre and umpteen times since, I’m more than familiar with the jokes, but I still laugh a time or two. So if you’re not offended by multiple jokes about Victorian English sensibilities by an almost exclusively American cast, give this one a look.

‘Dr. Giggles’ is Goofy and Slightly Creepy

Dr. Giggles (the late, great Larry Drake) is an escaped mental patient who likes to pretend he’s a doctor. Hence the name, he also laughs at inappropriate times, not unlike Dr. Hibbert on The Simpsons. He returns to his hometown to take revenge for his father, who was killed by the locals because he murdered his patients in hopes of finding a heart for his dying wife. In the process, ol’ Giggles comes across teenager Jen (Holly Marie Combs), who, coincidentally, is in need of a heart transplant. He thinks he’s just the guy for the job.

dg4 — What an excellent day for a heart transplant

I wouldn’t go so far as to call this a horror comedy, but it seems to have more than its fair share of one-liners. Most of them are just awful: [Dr. Giggles is holding a pair of severed arms] “He should have kept his hands to himself.” Though I have to admit a grudging admiration for his spiel to Jen: “You may be having second thoughts, but when you wake up you’ll have a change of heart.” The deaths are also played for laughs, like when the girl Jen’s boyfriend cheats on her with is suffocated by a giant Band-Aid.

dg2 — “Let me give you a hand.”–not an actual quote, but should be

I also find it mildly amusing that the old sex equals death cliché from slasher movies holds true: characters who die do so right after sex or just the mention of sex, even Jen’s stepmother, who’s young but far from being a naughty teenager. Not funny at all and more annoying than the bad puns is the presence of both of the clichés about Black folks in horror movies: the token Black guy who (almost, in this case) dies first, and the token Black guy who dies saving the white folks. Gripes aside, the plot is somewhat original and the acting is not unpleasant. The best performance is by Drake as Dr. Giggles, who’s probably the creepiest actor I’ve ever seen; he played escaped mental patients (yes, more than one) like no one else. Bleh!

I have an admitted soft spot for this movie. The terrible jokes remind me of when I was a kid playing Castlevania on the Nintendo; it featured floating eyeballs, and my sister Suzy would start spouting bad puns like, “I’ve got my eye on you.” I recommend this especially to hardcore Tales from the Crypt fans—it has a total of four former guests: Larry Drake (“And All Through the House”; “The Secret”), Nancy Fish (“Easel Kill Ya”), Michelle Johnson (“Split Second”), and Darin Heames (“99 and 44\100% Pure Horror”).

John Erick Dowdle’s ‘Devil’ is a Hell of a Good Time

Sometimes the Devil likes to torture people before taking their souls, so he gets them in a group, hides among them, and really freaks them out. One such group is comprised of Vince (Geoffrey Arend), a con artist, Jane (Jenny O’Hara), a snobby middle-aged woman, Ben (Bokeem Woodbine), a security guard with a violent temper, Sarah (Bojana Novakovic), a gold digger, and Tony (Logan Marshall-Green), who accidentally killed someone. The five of them are trapped in an elevator (with a steady stream of Muzak—sounds like punishment to me). They’re being monitored by security guards Lustig (Matt Craven) and Ramirez (Jacob Vargas), a religious man (standing in here for the genre-standard superstitious Latinx maid character that always knows how to fight demons) who quickly figures out what’s going on. Also in the mix are two detectives (Chris Messina, Joshua Peace). As the five damned people die off one by one, the survivors have to scramble to avoid being next.

It’s an interesting choice on the part of the filmmakers not to focus much on the wrongdoing of the main characters. Their misdeeds are only discussed in passing by the detectives. All the audience really sees is a bunch of scared people acting aggressively because they’re cornered. It helps to make us care about them, despite being told in the first few minutes that they’re all doomed. (The plot is a bit overemphasized, with a voiceover by Ramirez at the beginning, then a rehashing for both his coworker and the detectives).

devil4 — “So, the Devil’s in that elevator, huh?” “Yup. Nothing else it could be.” “Case closed then. Wanna grab some lunch?”

It’s conceived by M. Night Shyamalan and directed by John Erick Dowdle. The film is quite entertaining and fast-paced, jumping right into the story. Despite its fatalistic premise, it’s ultimately optimistic, showing human capacity for selflessness and forgiveness. It’s spiritual without being overly preachy. It’s also a bit creepy at times; the Devil is shown in human form with iris-less black eyes—it’s not an original look, but eerie all the same. To paraphrase Ramirez, we all believe in the Devil a little. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something quick (runtime is an hour twenty) and pretty fun.

devil1 — “Ugh, this day is totally going to hell!”

Ernest R. Dickerson’s ‘Demon Knight’ is Campy Fun

AKA Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight. Wormwood, New Mexico is home to lots of unsavory characters, but now it’s host to a demon known as The Collector (Billy Zane) as well as Brayker (William Sadler), the human he’s chasing. Long story short, the demons need seven keys to rule the earth, and already possess (hee hee hee!) six of them, the seventh being in Brayker’s hands. Good thing it’s full of blood (some of it once belonging to Jesus) that repels the demons. Brayker runs to a seedy motel, and he along with the residents take a stand to save the world.

An interesting aspect of the film is that most of the main characters are tainted in some way—not typical protagonist material. There’s Deputy Bob (Gary Farmer), who’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer, Willy (Dick Miller) who is an alcoholic, Cordelia (Brenda Bakke) who is a prostitute, Wally (Charles Fleischer) the meek postal worker, Roach (Thomas Haden Church), who is a selfish jerk, surly motel proprietor Irene (CCH Pounder), and Jeryline (Jada Pinkett Smith), a thief out on probation. Going with the biblical theme, they could be construed as maybe not all seven but most of the deadly sins: alcoholic Willy for gluttony, Roach or Cordelia for lust, lazy but bossy Irene for sloth, etc. The Collector tries to tempt them by appealing to their selfish desires; for example with Cordelia and Jeryline he tells them how pretty they are, and that if they help him they never have to age. Also rather Christian-y is how Jeryline parallels the thief in the Bible who, while being crucified with Jesus, repents. Jeryline redeems her former actions by becoming an action hero for God.

Besides the heavy religious subject matter, there’s also quite a bit of humor. There are lame jokes like Irene exclaiming to Jeryline (about her cat): “Get that pussy off the table!” and Cordelia, who was also sitting on the table, moves. My favorite is when Brayker and Jeryline battle a possessed Willy. Willy is throttling Brayker, and then Willy is decapitated, giving Brayker a second to breathe, but Willy’s headless body begins choking him anew. “Oh man!” Brayker gasps. He tells Jeryline to gouge out the eyes, which will kill it, and the severed head replies, “I heard that!” Truly, Zane’s performance must be seen rather than described:

Ah, I still remember the first time I saw this movie, over twenty years ago: a VHS copy watched with my fave horror buddies, my sisters Suzy and Leslie. Good times were had. I still love it. Overall the characters are likable (even The Collector), the plot is sensible-ish, and it’s Tales from the Crypt—enough said. It’s directed by genre legend Ernest R. Dickerson. Now, a warning: don’t watch the edited-for-TV version, where “son of a bitch” becomes “son of a beast” and “asshole” becomes “airhead.” (*A note from my edit from 2022–a long time ago, when you watched movies on TV, they would be censored for adult situations, language, and gore.) Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something fun, with across-the-board amazing performances.

‘Death Becomes Her’ is a Clever Modern Take on ‘Frankenstein’

Helen (Goldie Hawn) and Madeline (Meryl Streep) are former high school rivals who come to blows over Helen’s fiancé Ernest (Bruce Willis): Helen loves him, while Madeline craves his skills as a plastic surgeon. Ernest picks Madeline. Flash forward fourteen years. Helen is a fresh-faced famous author, while Madeline and Ernest are getting older and hate each other. It turns out Helen has taken an anti-aging serum, which Madeline discovers. They butt heads once again when Helen convinces Ernest to kill Madeline, culminating in a battle royale.

The most striking thing about the film for me is its satire of cultural notions of attractiveness and rules about aging. The message is that trying to stay young forever is unnatural and impossible. In the movie, losing the ability to age also comes with no pulse or heartbeat. There are allusions to Frankenstein and characters are consistently spouting lines like “Screw the natural law!” and “You’re in violation of every natural law that I know!”

db5 — At the risk of objectifying Isabella Rossellini, one must mention her fine… ahem, performance as Lisle, the purveyor of the serum

Aside from theme, I find there is a lot to like. The special effects are great for the early ‘90s. I genuinely find the film amusing. I particularly enjoy Bruce Willis as the wishy-washy Ernest—he’s barely recognizable playing against type. This movie has a lot of nostalgia for me; I can still remember going to the now very defunct Video Scene and picking it out shortly after it was released.

I loved it then, and I love it now. Tales from the Crypt fans, take note that Death is directed by Robert Zemeckis, long-time producer and sometimes director of the program, and the cast features no less than four guests of the show. Check it out if you’re in the mood for a clever poke at western ideals of beauty that’s darn funny.

David Cronenberg’s ‘Dead Ringers’ is Brilliant and Wrenching

Twin brothers Beverly and Elliot are genius boys trying to understand women and their ways. After discussing the wonders of fish intercourse (they don’t need physical contact to procreate), they ask a neighbor girl to have sex with them in their bathtub. They grow up to become famous gynecologists, ironically learning very little about women. Elliot (Jeremy Irons) is a sly womanizer, while Beverly (also Jeremy Irons) is shy and only gets dates by pretending to be Elliot. They meet actress Claire (Geneviève Bujold), and plan to share her. Then Beverly falls for her, and Claire for him. However, Beverly is a bit unstable, which is exacerbated by a new drug problem, and he becomes paranoid and jealous. When he mistakes Claire’s male secretary for a lover, he breaks down. Elliot tries to help him and gets addicted himself, and they violently self-destruct together.

dr4 — Maybe they just need to fix their thermostat

It’s a strange feeling watching the movie and feeling ambivalent about the guys. Beverly is whiny and Elliot is cruel. But I still feel moved by their plight and their unconditional love for one another. What’s fascinating about them is how clueless they are about women; they could possibly be construed as gay, given their strong bond to each other and their ambivalence about the female body. That they help women get pregnant for a living can be seen as a sublimation—they don’t do it physically, so they do it clinically. Beverly has sex with Claire, but in many of their scenes together she’s being more like a mother than a lover, like when she wipes his nose for him. When Beverly starts losing touch with reality, he becomes convinced that his patients are mutants. He starts using a surgical tool for pap smears, and tells Elliot that it wasn’t the wrong tool, that “The woman’s body was all wrong!”

dr3 — Yes, these tools he commissions don’t seem at all like medieval torture devices

But I don’t think the brothers are meant to be gay per se; Beverly and Eliot don’t want men in general—they want each other. They are totes brother-sexual. (I recently read Twins, the book by Bari Wood and Jack Geasland that this movie is based on, and yup they are totally doin’ it–all of the damn time. One gets married to a woman and one is in a committed gay relationship, but dayum do they love them some incest.) In one scene, Elliot asks his companion Cary (Heidi von Palleske) to dance with Beverly. Elliot comes up behind her and puts his arms around Beverly. Then he moves his hand to Cary’s back, down by Beverly’s crotch. Moments later, Beverly has an overdose; Cary tries to give him mouth-to-mouth and Elliot knocks her down, screaming, “Don’t touch him, he’s my brother!”

Disgust of the female body is apparent in other characters as well. When Claire has dinner with her agent and Elliot to discuss her chances of getting pregnant, Elliot asks Claire about her uterus and her agent chokes. Elliot asks about her period, and the agent leaves altogether. An incident with Claire’s secretary involves Beverly, in a fit of jealousy thinking that the two of them are lovers, telling the man to lubricate his fingers and feel Claire’s triple cervix. Claire tells Beverly that her secretary is gay, and “You managed to gross him out completely.”

Nothing sinister or ritual sacrifice-y here…

Great performances abound, particularly by Irons as two radically different men. The special effects are surprisingly seamless for the late ’80s. It speaks volumes about gender roles and (conscious and unconscious) misogyny. This film was my first David Cronenberg, aside from having grown up watching The Fly. It made me a permanent fan. Check it out if you’re in the mood for something disturbing, fascinating, and somehow beautiful.

‘Dead Silence’: Intense enough for ‘Saw’ Fans, but with Much Less Gore

In the town of Raven’s Fair it’s a good idea not to scream, or one may lose one’s tongue to the ghost of Mary Shaw (Judith Shaw). Shaw was a ventriloquist who had the nasty habit of murdering local children who heckled her show. So the town rose up and murdered her. However, she regularly returns from the grave to kill people, particularly relatives of the families that were responsible for her death. Protagonist Jamie (Ryan Kwanten), who’s one such relative, thinking he had escaped his creepy history in that town by moving away, finds one of Mary’s dummies on his doorstep, and despite the superstition that such things are a “bad omen,” leaves his wife (Laura Regan) alone with it while he gets dinner. As can be expected, he comes home to a corpse, and soon finds himself a suspect in her death. He returns to Raven’s Fair to settle the score with Mary and clear his name.

ds3 — “Kiss him! Kiss him while I watch!”

This movie had the potential to be incredibly dumb, and I’m glad to say it isn’t. It’s fairly original: it opens with the nifty notion that the spirits of the dead speak through the stomachs of the living; there’s also an unlikely but still creepy subplot about Mary trying to create the perfect doll and being made a giant doll when she died. But by and large, it’s the lack of humor that makes it great. Many a bad movie is made worse by one-liners, but this one is fairly free of them. Occasionally there’s a purposely amusing moment; the best lines are delivered by the detective following Jamie (Donnie Wahlberg). Yet overall in terms of comic relief, even Saw is funnier. Despite plot issues like why Mary Shaw is playing to a packed house when she is not only a terrible ventriloquist but also extremely off-putting, it’s the least cheesy horror movie I’ve seen in a while.

Watch this clip! She’s horrible!

It’s written by Leigh Whannell and directed by James Wan. They’ve already established their skill at creating a mood and building tension with Saw, and Dead Silence does not disappoint in that department. They also do some great eerie things with lighting; their manipulation of shadows and flashing lights is much more effective than the dummy, who mainly sits on his ass and moves his eyes. I first watched this in the middle of the day with my husband Andrew; I re-watched it at night by myself, and the effect was quite different. The eeriness of the movie that I was indifferent to before became unnerving, and I enjoyed the movie both more and less than at the first viewing. I still cringe inwardly at Mary’s little rhyme: “Beware the stare of Mary Shaw. She has no children, only dolls. If you see her in your dreams, be sure you never ever scream or she’ll rip your tongue out at the seam.” If you’re in the mood for something creepy from Team Wan-nell that doesn’t involve Patrick Wilson strumming an acoustic guitar and crooning, check this one out.

1982’s ‘The Dark Crystal’ is Terrifying but Ultimately Optimistic

Directed by Jim Henson and Frank Oz, acted by puppets. In a dying world, the only hope is to repair the cracked Dark Crystal. The task of doing so falls to Jen (Stephen Garlick), a Gelfling (they’re kinda like elves) who was raised by the kindly Mystics (a cross between a horse and something with four arms). Along the way he meets Kira (Lisa Maxwell), another Gelfling. Together they have to face the evil Skeksis (kinda like buzzards) who plan to kill them so they can continue ruling.

dc3 — “Get back, spit-head!” Actual quote–yeah, I guess it’s a family movie

Sound complicated? Yes, a little. Dark? You betcha. I’m including this movie in the horror genre because it’s creepy as fuck. I was freaked out by it as a child, and not much less so as an adult. The Skeksis are scary, as are their minions, the Garthim, which are giant beetles, and let’s not forget the Podlings, who have had their living essence drained and stare blankly.

Also disconcerting is Aughra (Billie Whitelaw–I was today years old when I found out Mrs. Baylock from The Omen voices Aughra), a grouchy hag with a detachable eye—though she’s a protagonist. Not to mention the Skeksis’ passion for killing things. However, the movie is far from completely depressing and horrifying. There’s no small amount of comic relief, for example Kira’s pet Fizzgig, a tiny furball that communicates with high-pitched screeches. (You may have seen the gif.) There’s also Jim Henson’s cute little background animals.

dc1 — This is the first time I’ve ever noticed that Fizzgig has a third row of teeth

If I had to say what the movie is about, I would be at a loss. It’s good not to kill and enslave people? Maybe it’s something environmental? During a recent viewing my sister Leslie pointed out the class differences between the Mystics and the Skeksis. The former are like hippies; they’re gentle and kind and live off of the land. The latter are cruel and bourgeois. They live in a castle, have servants, and feast. But I can’t pin down the theme as hippies are good, because the Mystics are said to be mindlessly practicing rituals. Jim Henson was big on kindness and changing the world for the better, so it’s safe to say that is a factor.

dc2 — “Like all we’re saying, man, is give peace a chance, man.”

As creepy and potentially traumatizing as it may be, it’s ultimately hopeful, with a happy ending. The Dark Crystal was a major part of my childhood; my sisters and I still reference it to this day. It’s a good watch, and if your kids aren’t spoiled by CGI, they’re bound to get a kick out of it. (And if they are, you can just wait for the inevitable remake.) *Ha ha, I wrote this in 2016; now that I’m editing in 2019/2022, there’s a reboot TV show.*

‘The Boogeyman’ Contains Many Laughs but No Boogeymen

Not to be confused with 2005’s Boogeyman; this is a little gem from 1980. One night, little Lacey and Willy grow tired of their mother’s drunken, abusive boyfriend, and Willy stabs him to death. Actually a bad decision, because the guy’s spirit enters the mirror over his girlfriend’s bed, and vows revenge. Flash forward twenty years; Lacey (Suzanna Love) and Willy (Nicholas Love) are living with their aunt (Felicite Morgan) and uncle (Bill Rayburn) on a farm. Lacey is married to Jake (Ron James) and has a son, while Willy has become mute. They’re both still haunted by that night, figuratively and soon literally. Jake, meaning well, forces Lacey to revisit her childhood home, where she encounters the mirror. She breaks it, which guarantees that, “When you break a mirror, you free everything that it’s seen.” Things only get worse for the siblings as family members start dying off, and they have to defeat the pushy ghost once and for all.

bm1 — Pictured: how you’ll feel after watching this

The score of the movie is just the beginning of my list of complaints. Besides the use of flutes in an attempt to sound ominous (instead I found myself looking for Oompa Loompas), the opening music sounds suspiciously like the theme for Halloween. Right on the heels of that is another resemblance: a POV shot of Willy walking down the hall with the knife in his hand prominently displayed, a la Michael Myers. In addition, the farmhouse looks exactly like the Amityville Horror house.

bm2 — “The power of Christ compels you, Statue of Liberty!”

Unsurprisingly, the special effects are excruciating, the acting is terrible, and there are numerous plot points that leave you with questions like these: Why do those teenagers need a butcher knife for cooking hot dogs? Why does the mirror keep bursting into flame? Why is that girl giving herself a haircut in her panties?

bm3 — The best scene in the movie: “Boogeymaaaaaaan!”

If you want a laugh, no reason not to see this one, unless you expect an actual boogeyman.

‘The Deaths of Ian Stone’ is Pretty Okay

Ian (Mike Vogel) has a rather odd existence. One day he’s a hockey player with a girlfriend named Jenny (Christina Cole); another day he’s an office worker and Jenny is only an acquaintance—his girlfriend is a woman named Medea (Jaime Murray). One day he’s driving a cab and Jenny is his passenger; another day he’s unemployed and Jenny is his social worker, and one day he’s an addict and Jenny is his neighbor. Jenny seems to be the better choice of girlfriend, as Medea has the nasty habit of murdering him with her giant claw-hand. She and her buddies are monsters called Harvesters, who kill people and eat their fear. They’re after Ian and Jenny, who need to figure out why before Ian is killed again.

dis2 — “Well, time to unclog that drain.”

There is absolutely nothing unique about this movie. It’s predictable and just plain conventional. Monsters that feed on fear are a dime a dozen, and Ian’s problem of being perpetually murdered is more annoying than mysterious. It feels like I’ve seen it a hundred times, when in actuality I’ve only seen it twice (oddly enough, three years apart to the day), the first time with a boyfriend who later broke my heart, which adds to (but doesn’t create) my sour feelings about the movie. As evidenced from my movie journal at the time: “The last half hour is especially bad; it disintegrates into a boatload of mediocre special effects and one-liners. The pacing is painfully slow. A few deaths here and there do not make for compelling viewing.” I also have difficulty liking and emphasizing with the characters, especially Ian.

dis3 — Ugh, naturally the bad love interest is brunette and the good one is blonde. That’s not at all tiresome and cliched.

However, on my third viewing, I didn’t hate it quite as much. The filmmakers successfully build a sense of paranoia, as Ian constantly has strangers glaring at him, and he realizes that “You only see what they want you to see.” The film doesn’t revel in gore. I still hate the love story angle, but I feel less bitter about the film otherwise. Overall the acting is acceptable and the rest of the dialogue is tolerable. Check it out if you like pretty British women.