GhoulieJoe

1987’s ‘Flowers in the Attic’ is Disturbing but Delightfully Trashy

When her husband dies suddenly, Corrine (Victoria Tennant) has to pack up her four children: six-year-olds Carrie (Lindsay Parker) and Cory (Ben Ryan Ganger) and teenagers Cathy (Kristy Swanson) and Christopher (Jeb Stuart Adams), and reunite with her wealthy estranged parents, whom she hasn’t seen in 17 years because she married her uncle (yes, you read that right), and plead with them for somewhere to stay and maybe a place in the will again. Corrine’s cruel mother (Louise Fletcher) takes them in, but since her sickly husband is unaware that the children exist—and she wants to keep it that way—she decrees that the kids have to stay in one bedroom, with boys in one bed and girls in the other, without leaving or making noise. On the plus side, there’s a room in the attic they can escape to (and make paper flowers, hence the title). On the negative side, Corrine never visits, the lack of sunlight depletes their health, and they are being starved, prompting them to wonder if they’ll ever leave.

fa3 — The face of a woman you don’t want to piss off

It’s not technically a horror movie, but it is plenty horror-ish. The concept of a woman locking her inbred grandchildren away and slowly murdering them is quite disconcerting. Speaking of disturbing, the incest factor looms quite large in the foreground for the entire film. Besides Corrine’s marriage, there’s a scene when she begins to make amends with her parents by taking off her top in front of her dad—chest facing him—while her mom whips her. Cathy and Christopher don’t really seem interested in each other that way, but Christopher sure does like talking to Cathy while she’s in the bathtub, not to mention washing her back.

They also like sleeping in the same bed. Then there’s the uncomfortable scene when Christopher and Cathy try to escape by prying the bars off of the windows, as captured by subtitles: [Straining sounds] “Grab the bar, Cathy. That’s it. Yeah. Grab it. Pull, pull, Cathy.” Corrine seems jealous of Cathy (if you want to get Freudian, it’s like the Electra complex in reverse); the first scene shows her looking huffy that her husband bought a present especially for Cathy. She’s pretty creepy in general, like how she fills her kids’ heads with nonsense about how getting their grandparents’ money will make all their dreams come true. (I guess you could say a theme in the film is that money doesn’t make one happy—the ability to leave one’s bedroom does.) She’s unlikable from the beginning, and my favorite scene is when she slaps Cathy for being saucy, and Cathy slaps her back. I couldn’t find a still, gif, or YouTube clip of that scene, so here’s a clip of Cathy getting her ultimate revenge (*spoilers*):

There are a few other unpleasant aspects of the movie, particularly Kristy’s constant whining—the twins are positively mature next to her. The dialogue is terrible. There are some questionable points of the plot, for example how the children clean that filthy attic with nothing but a broom, and who does their laundry? And seriously, whose microscope is that? Great performances are given by most of the cast, particularly Fletcher, but Swanson had yet to come into her own as an actor. Check it out if you like dirty secrets better than gore.

‘Feardotcom’: Lovely, but Completely Nonsensical

Feardotcom(.com) is a website run by serial killer Alistair (Stephen Rea), who believes that “Reducing relationships to anonymous electronic impulses is a perversion.” His solution: kidnap young women and film himself torturing them until they beg to die, thus creating “intimacy with death.” Protagonist Mike (Stephen Dorff) is the detective who’s been hunting him for years. He meets Department of Health worker Terry (Natascha McElhone) while they’re both studying a series of bloody-eyed corpses. Turns out the fear site has been taken over by Jeannie (Gesine Cukrowski), the vengeful ghost of a victim, and she’s killing everyone who looks at it within 48 hours. Mike and Terry are left with one option: to enter the site themselves.

The more I watch Feardotcom, the more I appreciate the direction and cinematography (the film noir vibe is as puzzling as it is gorgeous) and the more I hate everything else, from the thinly veiled European accents of all the main actors but Dorff and Jeffrey Combs

(the movie was shot in Canada and Luxembourg, with actors from England, Germany, Ireland, and Sweden—thank you IMDB) to the waves of plot holes. Here’s a mere fraction of them: everyone who looks at the site dies of his or her worst fear—sorta. One girl was afraid of drowning, so she dies in a bathtub full of water. How Terry comes across this bit of information about the girl’s phobia is uncertain, since the girl is a German exchange student—did Terry call her friends and relatives and pump them for information on every single aspect of her life? The woman who’s afraid of insects sees a horde of them—and jumps out a window. Was the car she crash-lands on made of bugs? Jeannie kills everyone who looks at the site—which, according to Alistair’s hit counter, is in the tens of thousands; she’s gonna have a hell of a time getting to all those people within 48 hours. We find out through Jeannie’s (American-accented) mother that Jeannie (German-accented—huh?) was a hemophiliac who could bleed to death from a scratch in an hour without her medication, and thus was “scared to death of anything sharp.”

feardotcom2 — Every girl dreams of such a whimsical playhouse

But her favorite place to play as a child was an abandoned steel mill, where surely there is nothing pointy or dangerous. We find out Jeannie was cut and tortured by Alistair for two days (hence her victims’ time limit)—did Alistair give her hemophilia medication or what? And don’t get me started on how she was able to somehow get loose from her restraints, write a note on a piece of paper, put it in her lipstick tube, and swallow it. Aside from all that, the acting is decent (besides the previously mentioned fake American accents, which sound about as natural as Jeannie’s blond hair and black eyebrows look), the score by Nicholas Pike is appealingly ominous, and there are some creepy moments. There’s an interesting theme, it’s just poorly executed. I have to admit I saw it in the theatre twice, as it had kickstarted an epic crush on Stephen Rea. For some reason.

Despite my gripes, I’d say it’s worth at least one viewing for the visuals alone; don’t blame William Malone for the script—he just directed.

1989’s ‘Far from Home’ is Cheesy and Predictable, but I Kinda Like it

Joleen (Drew Barrymore) is a fourteen-year-old on a road trip with her father Charlie (Matt Frewer). They run out of gas in a small town in Nevada, where fuel is hard to come by. So they temporarily set up shop in a trailer park. Joleen, eager to meet boys, runs across Jimmy (Andras Jones), the son of the crabby owner (Susan Tyrrell). He seems nice at first, but then tries to rape her. Which drives her into the arms of shy Pinky (Anthony Rapp), who’s nice but a bit off. Meanwhile Charlie is mixing with some colorful characters, like stranded pair Louise (Karen Austin) and Amy (Jennifer Tilly), and hippie Duckett (Richard Masur). Suddenly people at the park start dying off, and the pressure is on for Joleen and Charlie to get the car going, or they’ll be next.

ff5 — Here’s a pic from ‘Santa Clarita Diet’ cause I’m sick of exploitative stills of underage Barrymore

This film was released five years before The Stand, but I was struck by how similar the scenery is between the two movies. It seemed odd because Matt Frewer is in both, and Charlie and Joleen drive by buildings that look just like what his character blows up in The Stand. Otherwise the setting is a bit draining for me. I lived in a trailer for the better part of two years, and I didn’t much cotton to it. It’s not often a film brings up unpleasant memories for me, but this is one of them.

In addition to the reverse nostalgia, the characters are quite annoying. Joleen is the clichéd teen girl: blossoming, wanting independence, and sulking. She’s given to writing diary entries like, “Life is just totally unfair.” It’s the late ‘80s, so she also wears three watches and parts her hair funny.

ff3 — Shots of her with her hands in her hair and her legs bared comprise about 90% of the movie

Charlie is the overprotective dad, holding Joleen’s hand (literally, not just figuratively), and leaving her with a babysitter. Pinky is needy, and Jimmy and his mother are sociopaths. But Jennifer Tilly is one of my favorite actresses, so Amy wasn’t too hard to like. I also had a reluctant admiration for Duckett; he’s a hippie, but not a super stereotypical one—he refuses Louise’s offer to buy gas with marijuana, and he likes to point a gun at people. While I’m grudgingly admitting things, Joleen may be whiny, but she can also be crafty while escaping death, and can defend herself pretty well with a wooden board. Give it a look if you like Barrymore or trailer park murder mysteries.

‘The Exorcist III: Legion’–Not as Scary as ‘The Exorcist’ But Creepy, and At Least There’s No Pea Soup-Spewing

Ignoring the second movie, The Exorcist III picks up roughly 15 years after the original left off, with Lieutenant Kinderman (George C. Scott) investigating a series of murders that appear to be the work of the Gemini Killer (Brad Dourif), who’s supposed to be dead. Meanwhile, Kinderman encounters Patient X (Jason Miller), a mental patient who bears a striking resemblance to Father Karras—who’s also supposed to be dead. Unfortunately Kinderman’s effort to stop the killings earns him an “invitation to the dance,” and possessed people begin coming after him and his family. Together with the priest Father Morning (Nicol Williamson), they try to perform yet another exorcism.

I have mixed feelings about this movie. It has a major nostalgia quotient for me; I first watched it as a teenager with one of my favorite horror movie buddies, my sister Leslie. We’re still amused by oddball dialogue like Kinderman’s statement, “I can’t go home until the carp is asleep.” It’s written and directed by William Peter Blatty (who wrote the novel the first movie is based on, and the novel this film is adapted from), so my criterion of someone associated with the original film is met. Characters from The Exorcist appear (though thankfully not Regan—I think she’s been through enough, which is why I refuse to watch the second film in the series), and while most are replaced by different actors, I adore George C. Scott, and the return of Jason Miller is enough for me. The movie also follows the logic of the original, while giving it an interesting twist.

ex2 — Okay, MOSTLY original–they gotta keep the look of possession consistent, right?

Wisely, the filmmakers attempt new scares rather than copy ones from the first film. It is a bit unnerving at times, beginning with the disturbing concept that the killer uses a drug to paralyze his victims before horribly torturing them. There’s also an old lady who’s a bit eerie even before she becomes possessed and crawls around on the ceiling. Then there’s the scene when a possessed patient suddenly appears on-screen, arms outstretched mummy-like, to grab the next victim, accompanied by blaring trumpets.

Which is not to say there aren’t moments that annoy me. I’m not satisfied with the reasoning behind Karras’s reappearance. I also don’t appreciate a dream sequence of Kinderman’s featuring Samuel L. Jackson as well as Fabio and Patrick Ewing as angels, mostly because Kinderman sees a victim of the Gemini Killer and says “I’m so sorry you were murdered, Thomas.” Thanks, that means a lot? Also, while I normally enjoy Brad Dourif, I can’t stand him here. For some reason his eyes are always leaking and his dialogue is godawful: “Gracious me. Was I raving?”

ex3 — Juuuust kidding–I can’t resist those puppy dog eyes

If you’re in the mood for creepy rather than overly gory or gross, give it a look.

ex4 — “Okay, who let David Lynch in here?”

‘Evilspeak’ is Big Time Dated, but Still Way Flash

Private Coopersmith (Clint Howard) is a recently orphaned teenager in military school. His poor soccer skills and habit of crying frequently make him unpopular, and he’s often tortured by four really mean guys. On a cleaning detail in the school’s chapel cellar, he discovers a boatload of Satanist paraphernalia. With a combination of black magic and technology (if you can call a circa-1982 computer technology), he raises evil spirit Esteban (Richard Moll). When the bullies push Coopersmith too far, he gives them what-for.

I hadn’t seen the movie since I watched it on TV, around age eleven. I remembered it not being great, so this time around I was expecting a crapfest. I was pleasantly surprised. The acting isn’t bad, the special effects aren’t terrible (aside from a decapitation in the first scene—the camera cuts away from what is clearly a living woman and returns to what is clearly a dummy), and it’s actually a little creepy at times. I also enjoy the juxtaposition of ancient evil and modern machinery—it adds a little twist to a prolific genre.

es4 — This some high-tech evilness right here

I like the character of Coopersmith. He’s whiny and a total goon, but he’s also cute and sweet (and Clint Howard was kinda pretty 40 years ago). I’m amused that Coopersmith starts performing a black mass, then ends up in the kitchen where he rescues a runty puppy, gets it settled comfortably, then returns to the black mass. His revenge scene is satisfying, but I was actually a bit shocked by the blasphemy. A statue of Jesus comes to life, and a nail flies out of its wrist and launches into the chaplain’s head. Then out comes Coopersmith, full of satanic power—but he’s floating and carrying a sword, like an avenging angel.

Of course the film has its silly points, too. For example the computer, by way of Esteban, giving Coopersmith instructions on doing evil magic. It tends to nag him when he doesn’t gather all the required ingredients: “Blood consecrated host/Data incomplete.” But overall it’s a decent watch. Give this one a look if you’re in the mood for Carrie with a computer.

‘Eve’s Bayou’: Surrender to the Splenderousness!!!

Eve (Jurnee Smollett) is a ten-year-old girl in the not-quite-specified-when past. Her close-knit family includes her edgy mother Roz (Lynn Whitfield), philandering father Louis (Samuel L. Jackson), younger brother Poe (Jake Smollett), teenage sister Cisely (Meagan Good), and aunt Mozelle (Debbi Morgan), a psychic counselor. When Cisely tells Eve that Louis molested her, Eve vows revenge, going to a local fortune teller (Diahann Carroll) for a voodoo spell to kill her father. The results are far from what she expected, and her innocence is lost forever.

The film was written and directed by Kasi Lemmons, whom you may remember as the sassy best friend in The Silence of the Lambs and Candyman. Her talents are rather wasted on the roles she’s usually handed, and actually according to Internet Movie Database, she hasn’t acted since 2012. Thankfully, she has kept directing; as of 2019 her most recent credits include an episode of Luke Cage, and oh yeah, a little movie called Harriet.

Eve’s Bayou is an involving, emotionally charged film. The viewer feels deeply for Eve as the neglected middle sister who just wants some attention. Her decision to curse her father is understandable as we too are exposed to his selfish ways—not only his behavior toward Cisely but his continuous cheating on Roz. There’s even a scene when he takes Eve on his route as the town doctor; he leaves her outside while claiming to “cure” his “client.” The cinematography is stunning—Lemmons makes the swamp look beautiful. It also has some interesting things to say about objectivity and memory.

On my last viewing, I put the movie on intending to watch it by myself. My husband, uninterested, was planning to do some work on his laptop, but instead wound up getting sucked in and watched it to the end. Give this one a look if you’re in the mood for a well-written, well-acted, classy movie about voodoo. Or, like me, you’re in love with Kasi Lemmons.

‘Elvira’s Haunted Hills’: Elvira is Always Entertaining

The continued adventures of Elvira, Mistress of the Night (Cassandra Peterson stars and co-wrote). Elvira and her friend Zou Zou (Mary Jo Smith) are off to perform in a cabaret show in 1851 Paris when their carriage breaks down in Carpathia. They find shelter at the castle of Lord Hellsubus (Richard O’Brien). Between the castle’s wacky inhabitants like Lady Ima (Mary Scheer) and Lord Hellsubus’s consumptive niece Roxana (Heather Hopper) and Lord Hellsubus mistaking her for his dead first wife, Elvira has her hands full. When Hellsubus snaps, Elvira suspects she may not make it to her show.

ehh6 — “Stop! No one can see my ample bosom!”

The most striking thing about the film is that it parodies the 1960s Edgar Allen Poe adaptations, often directed by Roger Corman, invariably starring Vincent Price (whom the film is dedicated to), particularly The Pit and the Pendulum, The Fall of the House of Usher, and The Tomb of Ligeia–there’s even a character who seems to be loosely based on Price. The spoofing is appropriate, since she’s associated with classic movies. She fits naturally in a gothic, brooding tale.

Not that an Elvira movie 13 years after the first one, and long after Elvira went out of style, is a great idea. It’s centered around boob jokes, which quickly get tiresome. Also unfunny are the jokes at the expense of Zou Zou’s weight; she seems to be around just to make Elvira look better by comparison (though I think she’s adorable). However, there are occasional amusing moments, such as Elvira’s line, “Where’s the secret door? They always have one of those.”

What I like about the film is first Richard O’Brien! And second, Elvira is a tough, independent woman. She’s unashamed of her sexuality. Despite the many many jokes about her breasts, she’s the protagonist and demands respect. She also doesn’t need a man to save her. In one scene Hellsubus has her trapped under a pendulum; her love interest Adrian (Gabi Andronache) is stuck outside the door. She manages to get loose, and by the time he reaches her the baddies are dispatched. She hugs him, saying, “Don’t worry. We’re safe now.” Overall, it’s worth a look, especially if you’re a Rocky Horror fan.

‘Ed and His Dead Mother’ is Delightfully Demented

Ed (Steve Buscemi) is on trial for cutting off his mother’s head; however, as he explains, she was already dead. Going back a bit, Ed, still bereft about his mother Mabel’s (Miriam Margoyles) death, is approached by the Happy People Corporation; Mr. Pattle (John Glover) offers him “a simple reanimation” for a thousand dollars. Unfortunately, her body is unusually messed up—in fact, her brain was in pieces, making her reanimation more expensive and not as guarantee-able. Although she seems normal on the surface (aside from offering Ed juice from inside the refrigerator), she also has a nasty habit of chasing neighborhood dogs with a knife and fork, and cutting up a guy with a chainsaw (though to be fair, he was a mean guy). She’s also impervious to bullets, so once Ed decides he has to send her back, he has his work cut out for him.

ed5 — Mr. Pattle displays Mabel, who rode over in his trunk: “Jeez, Ed, she’s dead. You think I wanna get her all over my seats?”–actual quote

There are obvious themes the film shares with Frankenstein: Ed is guilty of disobeying the laws of nature (and his mother also has an abnormal brain). However, he’s motivated not by playing God, but by being unhealthily obsessed with his mother. Like Frankenstein (at least in the movie version), he’s saved by the love of a woman—his neighbor Storm (Sam Sorbo), who naturally can’t wait to hop into bed with him.

I first saw this as a kid, on TV. On a second, recent viewing, I found I still liked it. For such serious subject matter, it‘s quite effective as a comedy. I enjoy Mabel’s statement to the mean guy (as she brandishes a chainsaw), “We seem to be all out of tea. I’m afraid you’ll just have to settle for this!”

The only aspect of the film I don’t appreciate is the relationship between Ed and Storm; I think the movie would have been just fine without her. But we have to establish that Ed is definitely not gay, don’t we? Overall it’s amusing and entertaining. Check it out if you’re in the mood for a dark comedy. Even the movie posters are hilarious.

Tobe Hooper’s ‘Eaten Alive’ is Not Just Any Old Slasher

Judd (Neville Brand) is a cranky loner operating a rundown bayou hotel. He also kills people and feeds them to his pet crocodile. He has his hands full when a dysfunctional family of three as well as the sister and father of one of his victims rent rooms. Then there’s Buck (Robert Englund), a stubborn redneck who won’t leave him alone. What’s a business proprietor to do when all of his patrons are begging to be crocodile food?

Wook how tiny and adorbs!

It sounds like a conventional slasher movie, but it’s no more mundane than director Tobe Hooper’s earlier film The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The plot is fairly simplistic (Judd doesn’t even have a back story—he’s apparently just crazy), but the characters are interesting. It’s not just a hack-and-slash; there’s development. There’s less nudity than one might expect, given that the very first shot is of Buck’s crotch. It also doesn’t have the familiar, predictable feel that slasher movies often have, maybe because Judd spends much of his time singing and muttering gibberish. The father of the family has a ranting scene complete with squealing that’s reminiscent of David Lynch movies.

“Take off that shitty wig, or it’s chores for you!”

“Nooooooo! It’s holding my brains in!”

It’s very dark and atmospheric, from the tragic, miserable characters to the dim lighting and occasional use of a filter that makes everything look red. Judd doesn’t seem to enjoy what he does; he seems to see it as necessary—he’s almost like his crocodile in that he kills to live. The film looks cheaply made, but doesn’t rely much on special effects. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it feminist, but many of the women are resourceful and tend to outlive the men. Overall, the acting is decent, and the writing is solid. Check it out if you’re in the mood for country folks and killer beasties. Watch for Chainsaw‘s Marilyn Burns as well as the first Morticia, Carolyn Jones.

‘Dreamcatcher’: makes puking noises

Four friends from childhood: Henry, a suicidal psychiatrist (Thomas Jane), Jonesy, a psychic teacher (Damian Lewis), Pete, a car salesman good at finding lost stuff (Timothy Olyphant), and not-much-going-for-him Beaver (Jason Lee) return to their cabin in the woods for their annual hunting trip. Unfortunately, they’re accosted by a variety of aliens, from the cultured and intelligent (but evil) Mr. Grey, to “shit weasels,” who have the nasty habit of invading the human body and exiting from the rear. Jonesy is possessed by Mr. Grey, while Pete is in a car accident, Beaver is trapped with a poop creature, and Henry winds up in an internment camp for those possibly infected by aliens, which is run by the power-mad Colonel Curtis (Morgan Freeman). It’s mostly up to Henry and Jonesy and their childhood friend Duddits (Donnie Wahlberg) to stop Mr. Grey from contaminating Boston’s water supply with aliens.

It’s not the worst Stephen King adaptation, but it’s far from the best. Not helpful is that the source material is, in my humble opinion, King’s worst work to date. It adds nothing new to the alien genre (civilians and the military fight aliens that manifest in peoples’ bodies—been there, done that) except the disgusting new dimension of the creatures giving their hosts extremely smelly gas before tearing their anuses open. (For animal lovers, the worst part is likely when Mr. Grey makes a German shepherd eat a dead alien-infected person, which leaves the dog whining, miserable, and lumpy with critters. King, even with a terrible premise, is such a damn good storyteller that I still grudgingly like the book. Yet the movie, in the hands of William Goldman, keeps all of the revolting details and despite its 136-minute running time, little of the character nuance.

dc1 — Did I mention the special effects are nothing to write home about?

If this movie is about something (other than the power of friendship) I am at a loss to decipher it. I can’t get past scenes like Henry telepathically telling Jonesy (who’s hiding from Mr. Grey in a special room in his memory warehouse—don’t get me started on the memory warehouse) to call 1-800-HENRY. Jonesy calls from a phone in the room, which causes a gun in Henry’s hand to ring and function as a phone.

dc3 — Even the actors want out of the movie

Then there’s their series of annoying catchphrases like “No bounce, no play” and Beaver’s endless colorful exclamations like “Fuck me Freddy!” and “Jesus Christ bananas!” (by the way, don’t watch this movie on basic cable, no matter how often TNT runs it—these turn into “Foul me Freddy” and something about fried bananas). Then there’s dialogue like, “You carry his picture with you always.” Then there’s Morgan Freeman; I’m annoyed to see such a high-caliber actor here—and what’s with the eyebrows?

dc4 — Even Morgan Freeman’s eyebrows want outta here!

On the plus side, I enjoy the actors, particularly Jason Lee and Thomas Jane. And the score is pretty cool. Check it out if you feel like Stephen King lite—but not short.