GhoulieJoe

‘Da Hip Hop Witch’ is a Baffling but Somewhat Entertaining Parody of ‘The Blair Witch Project’

2000 spoof of The Blair Witch Project. The “Black Witch of the Projects” is an angry spirit who tends to attack rappers, including Ja Rule, Eminem, Rah Digga, and Vanilla Ice (who play themselves). She seems more of a nuisance than anything, as every victim lives to tell his or her story about the incident. Meanwhile, wannabe reporter Dee Dee (Stacii Jae Johnson) is determined to find the truth about the witch, and five white kids from the suburbs (including director and writer of the film Dale Resteghini) plan to catch her for the reward money.

It’s filmed basically the same as The Blair Witch Project—it’s shot on hand-held cameras, with the actors ad-libbing their lines. At least I hope they’re ad-libbed, with dialogue like, “Stay away from the hairy bitch-witch.” Also, no one can seem to give a consistent answer about what she looks like (some say ugly, some beautiful), her features (some say she’s green and black, or has 20-inch feet), or what she does—Eminem, for example, gives a soliloquy about how she tried to stick her finger up his butt. It’s low budget, and the performances are underwhelming to say the least, particularly by the rappers. But my main gripe is the antsy camera—very short shots, with lots of fast panning. It even swerves sideways and upside down. I didn’t experience any nausea myself, but I could see some people (like those made sick by The Blair Witch Project’s shaky camera-work) being affected that way.

da2 — “Don’t fuck with the fucking witch, man! Don’t fuck with the fucking witch!”–actual quote

Something interesting about the movie is that it might be construed to reflect the misogyny so prevalent in rap music. The witch is powerful and fearsome, and to some of the victims, sexually desirable. Hence, the word “bitch” is thrown around constantly, and is probably used to describe the antagonist as much as “witch.” I’m not sure the filmmakers had the wherewithal to have done this on purpose; it’s probably just a happy coincidence. It’s called a Black horror by some, but as mentioned, the writer/director is white, and almost all the publicity centers around Eminem. Below: the exactly two images from the movie online that aren’t of a blonde white guy.

I first watched the movie hoping it would be funny—it sounds like an amusing premise to me. But the only part that made me laugh is when a character who is always riding around on his bike shouting, “She’s coming!” is finally questioned as to whom he’s talking about. He replies, “She’s coming! My mama’s coming!” If you’re looking for something unconventional and ghetto-ish rather than gory (and nowhere near funny), check this one out, and stick around for the twist ending.

1986’s ‘The Wraith’: Nice Cars, Cool Explosions, and Charlie Sheen

Packard (Nick Cassavetes) is a mean guy who likes to race teenagers for pink slips, cheating when he’s going to lose. He and his gang of punks: preppie guy Minty (Chris Nash), bandanna-wearing Oggie (Griffin O’Neal), high-pitched Gutterboy (Jamie Bozian), referee RUghead (Clint Howard), and Skank (David Sherrill), who’s always drinking random hazardous stuff, find Packard’s sort-of girlfriend Keri (Sherilyn Fenn) in bed with another guy, and kill him. But he gets a second chance, and is reborn as ghostly Jake (Charlie Sheen), who one by one races and kills each member of the gang—all while rekindling his romance with Keri. However, Packard won’t go down without a fight.

wr2 — I swear he’s a ghost and not an astronaut

It’s not classified as a horror movie, but it’s a pretty grim premise, with some gruesome details like the dead guys’ eyes being burned out of their sockets. The film has its roots in action movies, hence the many car chases and violence, but little gore.

wr3 — “Whoa, this car is like totally choice. We should race for it.” “Cheeuh! Not even! Your grody bod needs to bounce!”

I do have some gripes. Jake is the only tolerable character. Everyone else is either annoying and whiny or unrealistically evil. Keri is particularly insufferable, as Fenn has yet to come into her own as an actor. Cassavetes is a bit painful to watch, as he is just too good for this movie. Even Sheen looks a little embarrassed to be there. You gotta love Randy Quaid as the sheriff, delivering such terrible dialogue with such conviction.

wr4 — “Well, you listen good, Skank. I know it’s gonna be hard with your melon on chemical overload, but there’s a killer out there and I’m gonna track the hairball down. So, when you two crater-heads get finished mining for nose gold and you get a relapse of memory, you let me know, huh? I’m just a phone call away.” –actual quote

I love the 80s. The synth pop soundtrack (I’ll be honest, I shelled out $50 to get it on CD), Skank’s mohawk and pastel eye shadow, Charlie Sheen before he was a joke. I recently made my husband watch the movie because it was one of my favorites as a kid. I was chagrined at the terrible special effects and multiple plot inconsistencies like these weird metal rods that appear and disappear every time one of Packard’s boys dies. But overall it’s fun. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something shallow, cheesy, and not too original.

‘Stitches’ (2001) is Low-Budget, Tacky Fun

Not to be confused with the clown movie of the same name from 2012; this is a 2001 straight-to-video. It’s directed by Neal Marshall Stevens, better known as a writer–his credits include Thirteen Ghosts and Head of the Family. Mrs. Albright (Elizabeth Ince) is a demon posing as an old woman whose bag is tricking people into giving her their souls. Then she makes them into paper dolls and sticks them in a photo album. From there they make sad faces and squeak and occasionally have to do her bidding. She’s currently hanging out at a boarding house, with owner Mrs. Grove (it’s a period piece—though it’s not clear exactly when it takes place, the characters greet each other formally) (Lindy Bryant), Mrs. Grove’s niece Kathryn (Maggie Rose Fleck), married couple Ellen (Debra Mayer) and Robert (Alex Peabody), spinster Miss Lester (Kaycee Shank), widower Sam (Robert Donavan), and young college man Will (Marc Newburger). Mrs. Albright is able to fool people by convincing them “to do what they secretly want to do,” and since everyone has desires, they’re ripe for the plucking.

st2 — “Time to put on my smug suspenders!”

It’s made by Full Moon Pictures, and as such one can expect a loooow budget, mediocre acting, underwhelming special effects, and even bad sound effects (they remind me of the Halloween sounds tapes I used to have as a kid). However, Full Moon movies usually have their merits too, and this one is no exception. The premise is kinda neat, and adds something creative to the genre. To me the goofiness (for example, the paper dolls have the actors’ faces on them, grimacing—the unrealism only makes it more amusing) is fun rather than agonizing. It’s not extremely predictable, and the makeup is rather good. When decent special effects are really needed, like when Mrs. Albright transforms into her actual demonic self, the filmmakers wisely show what’s happening in silhouette—and it works.

st4 — It’s terribly difficult to find images from this movie, only a series of cover art

It tickles me that this horror movie seems like it was made by fundamentalist Christians. Mrs. Albright decides to start with Will the agnostic rather than Robert the mean and emotionally abusive husband. Miss Lester turns out to be gay, and is seduced by Mrs. Albright pretending to be Ellen and making out with her. Ellen is then duped by Mrs. Albright pretending to be Robert. Mrs. Albright later gloats that Ellen was a challenge to her because “All you wanted was love.” Um, what about Miss Lester? I guess her love doesn’t count.

st3 — Each more ridiculous than the last…

Yes, the movie is a bit homophobic and a lot hypocritical (Miss Lester is apparently evil because she’s gay, but that doesn’t stop the filmmakers from exploiting the girl-girl kissing—the ladies kiss not just once, but three times, in between Miss Lester getting naked). Liking the movie is similar to liking a person who’s nice, but disagrees with you about most things. None of the main characters really deserve to be tortured for eternity because they wanted things like knowing how to read or finding out for sure that there’s a God; even the most repugnant of them—Robert—is just a loudmouthed jerk. But they’re not extremely likable either, so one’s heart doesn’t bleed to see them go. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for cheese and Bibles—just make sure to keep your soul to yourself.

Takashi Shimizu’s ‘Reincarnation’ is Unpredictable and Creepy

Japanese movie, AKA Rinne, directed by Takashi Shimizu. The horror begins in the ‘70s, when a professor kills his two young children at a hotel, as well as nine other guests and staff members, for an experiment involving reincarnation. It indeed seems to have had some effect, as thirty years later angry spirits are nabbing the contemporary reincarnations of the victims and dragging them back to the hotel. Meanwhile, aspiring actress Nagisa (Yûka) has just been cast as the professor’s daughter (the actual child was six, so the age has to be bumped up a bit to twenty-five or so) in Memory, a fictionalized version of the mass murder. She begins having visions of the little girl, which are intensified when director Matsumura (Kippei Shîna) drags the film cast and crew to the real hotel. Soon Nagisa is seeing flashbacks of the murders, which leads her to suspect that she is the new embodiment of the little girl, and that history is doomed to repeat itself.

The filmmakers pose the question of whether or not there is life after death, and if our lives are preordained. The answer seems to be a solid yes, as the reincarnations of the victims are drawn to the place of the murders and re-murdered all over again. It’s apparently their destiny to die in a hotel for all eternity—Reincarnation is not the most optimistic of movies.

There’s a cute nod to The Shining; horrible murders happen in Room 227 (similar to The Shining’s room 237). Also reminiscent of The Shining is the professor’s son’s ball, which bounces around on its own. Destiny and possibly reincarnation seem to also be a theme in The Shining, as Jack is repeatedly told that he was always the caretaker, and he can be seen in a picture at the hotel that was taken before he was born.

re1 — Excuse me, can you tell me where the Suzuki Koji books are?

I enjoy when someone says, regarding Matsumura’s film, “There’ll be lots of blood and gore.” As one of the foremost Japanese horror movie directors, maybe Shimizu is poking fun at himself. In fact there is goodish amount of blood and gore in this movie, and as such it was marketed as part of After Dark Horrorfest, an annual collection of films that are deemed too disturbing for theatrical release.

Overall, the performances are good, aside from a short bout of overacting from Yûka as Nagisa. It’s also pretty original, serious, and thought-provoking; check it out especially if you’re a Shimizu fan (and watch for The Grudge’s Takako Fuji as a maid).

‘Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh’: There are Worse Sequels

The second movie in the series. It picks up not too long after the first one left off, with the officious Purcell (Michael Culkin) lecturing on the history of Candyman (Tony Todd returns). He’s approached by Ethan (William O’Leary), whose father was killed by Candyman. After Purcell is killed (also by Candyman), Ethan confesses to the murder to save his sister Annie (Kelly Rowan), an art teacher in New Orleans around whom the rest of the movie revolves. Annie’s students fear Candyman, so she calls him to prove he doesn’t exist. Which of course goes horribly wrong. In between murders, Annie discovers that she’s Candyman’s great-granddaughter, and that she can kill him by destroying her great-grandmother’s mirror. But the wily Candyman won’t make it easy for her.

candy3 — Annie…you got a little something on your face…

As sequels go, it’s not the best. But it’s certainly not the worst. It boasts the direction of Bill Condon, with Clive Barker as executive producer. It features scream queen Veronica Cartwright as Annie and Ethan‘s mother. I also like the New Orleans vibe; for me it feels natural for Candyman to be in a southern setting rather than an urban apartment complex.

candy4 — Candyman…you got a rather large amount of somethings on your face…

I appreciate that Candyman’s back story is expanded enough to give him a name (he’s Daniel, and his lover is Caroline), but I could definitely do without more flashbacks to him being tortured. I know the filmmakers are trying to say racism is bad, but it’s hard to watch a Black guy being executed by white folks for no particular reason besides that they’re assholes when it’s all over the news in real life.

Not to mention *Birth of a Nation* vibes

It follows fairly closely the logic of the original film, though the whole Caroline’s mirror thing is kinda cheesy. The new storyline, though not extremely original (virtually every franchise horror movie has a heroine who finds out she’s related to the villain), is at least not a carbon copy of the first one. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for a goodish amount of gore and 1995 special effects—and the fine work of bee wranglers!

‘Candyman’ (1992) is Captivating, Disturbing, and Absolutely Dated

Helen (Virginia Madsen) and her friend Bernadette (Kasi Lemmons) are working on a sociological study of urban legends and graffiti and stumble across the story of Candyman (Tony Todd), a hook-handed murderer who lives in an underserved community in Chicago. Unfortunately for them, Candyman is more than just a local legend. Helen in particular attracts his attention, so he stalks those closest to her and frames her for murder. In a last-ditch effort to save her life (and sanity), Helen has to meet him face-to-face.

Let me start with the fact that I’m a huge Clive Barker fan. That said, Candyman for me is one of the rare cases when a movie is more enjoyable thdan the material it was adapted from (Barker’s story “The Forbidden”). I saw the film many times as a child before reading the story as a teenager, and was greatly disappointed with how little it matches the movie. (Candyman is white?) The broad storyline is similar but the setting is vastly different: it takes place in an England slum, and English Helen is writing a dissertation on (English) graffiti. But the most disillusioning thing is that one of the scariest aspects of the film–which isn’t in the story–is how Candyman jumps out Bloody Mary-style when his name is called five times into a mirror.

4cm — Bernadette! Now that’s a handsome couple.

Candyman is also given a backstory in the film: he was a slave who was killed for the love he and a white woman shared. You know, in retrospect, I could do without that particular backstory. I love this film; it’s evocative and moving, but I’m sick of movies about how shitty poverty and racism is seen through white peoples’ perspective and only focusing on how it affects them. I can’t wait for Jordan Peele’s take on this.

2cm — I don’t want to come across as a white lady objectifying a Black dude, especially in this role, but holy GOD is Tony Todd sexy!

As an adult I can see how the major themes are still there; they’re both highly concerned with folklore, belief, and how urban legends stem from the “daily horrors” of life. Also, while in two radically different settings, the architecture of the buildings is vital to the plot. Yet after the elaboration in the movie, the novella seems abrupt and not fully formed. Where’s the lavish character development? Where’s the exploration of race as well as class issues? Where’s Ted Raimi? Furthermore, the film has the benefit of a heartrending score and exquisite cinematography. True, it’s Hollywood-ized, shoehorning in a heteronormative romance with Candyman making Helen his long-lost love (also not a part of “The Forbidden”), but the best qualities of the story are kept while a lot more is added.

All in all, the film is marvelously acted, creepy, and wrenching. And while the filmmakers meant well, its depiction of Black people is cringy to say the least. If my review sounds garbled and contradictory, it’s because I originally wrote it with both nostalgia and white privilege goggles on. Six years later, I’m a bit more woke and not sure if I should be recommending it in the first place. After a good deal of pondering, my conclusion is that the film has value even if it ironically decries the kind of racism that makes white people murder and enslave while at the same time indulges in racist stereotypes.

1988’s ‘The Stay Awake’ is Entertaining and Somewhat Original

The film opens with the death of Brown (Lindsay Reardon), murderer of eleven women, who vows revenge on his executioners. Cut to St. Mary’s School for Girls, where eight students and their den mother Miss Walton (Shirley Jane Harris) are raising money by staying awake at the school all night (hence the title). Brown decides to give them a visit, picking them off one by one. The girls and Miss Walton must band together to stop his supernatural killing spree.

I first stumbled upon this movie while browsing through Netflix’s streaming selection; it caught my eye because it was classified as African; I’d never seen an African horror movie. While filmed in South Africa, it actually takes place in Europe, with actors who sound English and are for the most part white. It’s still out of the ordinary in its own way, like when Brown manifests himself as a creature that looks like a giant bush baby.

sa3 — “I kill you with my adorbableness!”

Also a little different is this slasher’s depiction of women, at least Miss Walton. The girls get slaughtered for breaking rules and for wandering off by themselves and they tend to cower. But Miss Walton never falters. She oozes confidence with lines like, “If you want a fight, dammit, you’re going to get one!” and “If I have to kill whatever it is with my bare hands, I will,” and “If you want me, well, just try it.” She encourages the girls to keep fighting the ghostly invader, even throwing javelins at it.

Unlike other slashers, there is no nudity or large amounts of gore (I’m not sure why it’s rated R). It’s also slow-paced, with the first murder happening forty-one minutes into the film (unless you count a rat or a cassette player). Not that that time is spent on character development; the eight girls are fairly interchangeable throughout. I think of them as Naughty, Handsome, Ponytail, Mousy, Flat-top, Mean, Crisps (because she eats a lot of them), and French Braid. I don’t have any major gripes about the movie. I do get tired of the overuse of cross-cutting and point-of-view shots. The acting isn’t great, but it’s not painfully bad. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for legwarmers, leotards, and murder.

*Normally I’d put a trailer here, but I seriously couldn’t find one. Not a clip, nothing.

‘Nightmare Man’ is a Hot Mess

Ellen (Blythe Metz) has just bought a fertility mask, hoping it will put some spice in her marriage to Bill (Luciano Szafir). Unfortunately, it just brings her bad dreams—so bad that she has to take medication and eventually needs to go to a mental hospital. On the way there, Ellen and Bill’s car runs out of gas in the woods. Bill walks off to the nearest gas station, and Ellen is attacked by the evil guy she’s been dreaming about (Aaron Sherry). Luckily, there’s a small wedding party nearby: couples Ed (Jack Sway) and Mia (Tiffany Shepis) and Jack (James Ferris) and Trinity (Johanna Putnam). With the Nightmare Man lurking around, the five of them have to band together to survive the night.

nm4 — He’s a real nightmare man, sitting in his nightmare land…

I had low expectations from the very beginning. Even the production company refers to it as a “flick.” It’s low budget, and we get side-boob in the first scene with an ass shortly after, which shows it’s exploitative. Indeed, the film is stupid with gratuitous bra and pantie shots and nudity.

I’m also disturbed by a scene when shots of Ellen trying not to get stabbed are crosscut with the party playing Erotic Truth or Dare—it seems to be sexualizing Ellen‘s experience. While there’s a small attempt at character development, it mostly revolves around how Trinity and Mia were lovers in college. Besides that, the acting isn’t great, and the twist is predictable. The characters mangle the English language with phrases like “a big relief off my mind.” That is, when Ellen isn’t yelling “Ah! No! Oh God!” which is the bulk of her dialogue. Then there are gems like “He’s the devil, I tell you!” Mia also has many annoying one-liners, as does Ellen when she’s possessed by the Nightmare Man. While the mask is mildly eerie and the special effects are good, overall the film isn’t scary at all.

I first watched this with my sister, who rented it hoping it would be good because it’s a Horrorfest movie—a series of films released every year that are supposedly too scary or gory for theatres. Judging by most of those that I’ve seen, they’re just too crappy. (Not that a theatrical release guarantees greatness.) Check it out if you’re in the mood for a cheesefest.

‘Make a Wish’ (AKA ‘Lesbian Psycho!’): A Cheesy Slasher Movie with Gay Women is Still a Cheesy Slasher Movie

It’s Susan’s (Moynan King) birthday, and to celebrate she makes the masochistic decision to spend it camping with six of her ex-girlfriends, five of whom cheated on her. As can be expected of people in a horror movie drinking and having sex in the woods, they begin dying off. Is it Susan getting revenge, or is it her ex’s current boyfriend (Eric Vichi), or the private detective snooping around, or the creepy guy with a thing for Susan (who makes brilliant statements like, “I just don’t like to see ladies bothered by people who are bothering them. It’s bothersome”) or angry dumpee Dawn (Hollace Starr)?

mw5 — Dawn (second from the left) is just the WORST

Make a Wish puts me in the mood to gripe. While it’s refreshing to have a break from slasher movies’ general rampaging heterosexuality, aside from the women all being queer this film is highly unoriginal. As per usual for the genre, the ladies are lacking in character development and can’t wait to rip off their clothes. The dialogue is sub-par, for example this witty exchange: “This is giving me a bad feeling.” “Then why don’t you let me give you a good one?” The ending is also baffling.

Maybe there’s a tongue-in-cheek quality that I’m missing (the grandest joke seems to be Dawn’s inability to stop saying she’s doing a “healing witchual” instead of ritual when teased about her over-the-top spirituality), but I was offended by the gratuitous nudity and refusal to be monogamous of most of the characters in a way that I wouldn’t be by heterosexual-centered films—I expected better. Susan complains that men are “always watching,” but I felt like a voyeur as well.

mw6 — I guess there are worse ways to spend 96 minutes

I have a hard time deciding whom the film is intended for. Given the promiscuity and stupidity of the women, one could assume men. However it’s written and directed by women. Also, the actresses look like real people, and none of their breasts appear to be bigger than A-cups. That said, you should give it a look if you’re seriously tired of the under-representation of gay women in the movies, slasher or otherwise—enjoy the boobs.

1981’s ‘Madman’ Has it All: Boobs, Murder, and…Philosophy

Released two years after Friday the 13th, with basically the same plot: crazy guy mows down naughty camp counselors. Except this guy has a way more awesome back-story (and his own theme song): Madman Marz (Paul Ehlers) was an evil farmer/axe murderer who was hanged by townspeople and left for dead. At the mention of his name he comes a’runnin,’ “searching for people so he can chop their heads off with an axe.” At the summer camp in question, one particularly dumb camper calls his name and then takes off for much of the movie, ironically being one of the only survivors. Madman strikes again!

It’s a classic slasher movie—common and predictable. It’s also quite low-budget. The actors don’t even look like they’re from Hollywood; well, they look like they’re in their thirties of course, but they look like regular people. The film is also fairly funny when it’s not trying to be, so it’s still entertaining. For example the scene when a counselor strolls around singing about Marz to scare the campers. But my favorite scene is when a few of the counselors get ponderous:

Stacy (Harriet Bass): “Great fire, Bill.”

Bill (Alex Murphy): “Thanks. I love to feel the flames devour the wood. Who says there’s no beauty in destruction?”

Ellie (Jan Claire): “I don’t think there’s beauty in any kind of destruction, for any reason.”

Dave (Seth Jones): “I’d say that depends on the reason, for as long as our reason stays reasonable. That’s the most frightening thing about us humans.”
(No Dave, the most frightening thing about us humans is that we make movies like this one.)

madman1 — Even the corpses are rolling their eyes

If you’re looking for a sequel-free Friday the 13th clone with fair acting and special effects, here you go.