The Horrors of Adulting: A Car Story

Today, I was involved in my first two-car collision. I was at a four-way intersection, and I was thinking the corner on my right had a stop sign, but by the time I realized it did not, and that the other driver was not stopping, we had crashed.

It’s been a few hours, and time has given me the ability to be grateful for some things: No one was hurt. Neither of us had passengers. The other driver was calm and polite, and even walked me through what would likely happen next. Our cars were still drivable. It happened right outside my work, so my coworkers stopped to make sure I was okay, and my supervisor gave me the day off so I could ugly-cry in private and fill out the pertinent paperwork.

Buuuut, this is not an ideal event, and I’m still upset. Being me, my mind wandered to horror films, and to make myself feel better and put my situation in perspective, I compiled a list (NOT all-encompassing, don’t tell me what I left out–nah, seriously, I wuv you, tell away) of movies involving car crashes with disastrous consequences.

5. Jessabelle (2014)

Shortly after the film opens, the titular Jessabelle is t-boned by another car, losing the use of her legs and her fiancé, and ends up living with her estranged father, whom she finds out has a horrible secret. Besides the fact that all Jessie has to entertain herself with is a VCR. Not a period piece, it’s the 21st century.

4.) Misery (1990)

A writer driving in a snowstorm crashes and is rescued by a former nurse who’s also his biggest fan. Unfortunately, her love includes forcing him to write a romance novel specifically for her and clubbing him with a sledgehammer. And killing anyone who tries to help. And buying him a typewriter that’s missing the “e” key. And making him drink his own pee. Just kidding, that only happens in the book.

3.) Creepshow 2 (1987)

A privileged caucasian lady pulls a hit-and-run on a Black homeless dude, and his ghost haunts her, continuously thanking her for the ride. (If you guessed this movie was written and directed by white people, you would be correct. Only white people would make a movie in which a person of color thanks a white person for murdering them.)

2.) À l’intérieur , AKA Inside (2007)

Two women have a car wreck, causing one to miscarry. She comes after the other to steal her baby, and they have an extended, gruesome duel, involving scissors, knitting needles, and a toaster. (If you guessed this movie was written and directed by men, you would be correct. Because what else would women fight over but the privilege of being a mother, and what else would they use but craft supplies and household appliances?)

1.) A Ghost Story (2017)

After a guy is killed in a car accident, he comes back looking like a cheap Halloween costume and watches his grieving wife eat an entire pie.

Okay, that last one’s not really a horror movie, but it’s often very hard to watch. Did I mention she eats the pie in one take, in record time? And by her account, it tasted awful? Phew, glad I’m never seeing that again. Now I can move on with my day.