The Horrors of Adulting: Beatrix Potter

When I was a wee lass, I loved me some Beatrix Potter. I wanted to pass on that love to my eldest when she was a toddler, but I had apparently blocked out the more disturbing aspects of the stories. I didn’t get farther than “The Tale of Tom Kitten”, which concerns a clowder of feline siblings whose mum sends them out to play in their best clothes while she gets the house ready for company. When inevitably the clothes are ruined, “She pulled them off the wall, smacked them, and took them back to the house.”

I realized that my love of the books probably had less to do with the admittedly adorable illustrations and more to do with my growing fascination with things that were scary. A goodish amount of the tales have to do with anthropomorphic animal children behaving dangerously and risking getting in trouble with authority figures, a fear which haunts me to this day.

Consider “The Tale of Benjamin Bunny”, in which Benjamin and his famous cousin Peter run afoul of a cat. Benjamin’s father saves them, and then hits them with a switch. Beneath the threat of life and limb, there’s the threat of a violently miffed authority figure.

In “The Tale of Peter Rabbit”, Peter’s mother warns Peter and his sisters not to go into Mr. McGregor’s garden: “Your Father had an accident there; he was put in a pie by Mrs. McGregor.” Forget the switch; disobey your mother, and you get made into a pastry!

In “The Tale of The Flopsy Bunnies” Benjamin Bunny grows up and has so many children with his cousin Flopsy that not even Potter knows their names, hence the title. The family is hungry, so the children head to Mr. McGregor’s garden to find some cabbages. Mr. McGregor throws them in a sack and has a lively debate with the missus about what to do with his catch. ” ‘Not fit to eat; but the skins will do fine to line my old cloak.’ ‘Line your old cloak?’ shouted Mr. McGregor–‘I shall sell them and buy myself baccy!’ ‘Rabbit tobacco! I shall skin them and cut off their heads.’ ” I don’t even know what the moral of this one is! Don’t be hungry?

Or there’s always “The Tale of Samuel Whiskers”. In this one, poor Tom Kitten gets himself hopelessly lost in the chimney of his house.

The funny smell is actually two scheming rats, one of whom wastes no time tying him up, while the other demands a “kitten dumpling roly-poly pudding”. Nightmare fuel!

The two rats proceed to wrap Tom Kitten in dough and tenderize him with a rolling pin. And then from there I guess they plan to cook him alive? Or eat him alive? I’m not sure which is worse.

Tom Kitten escapes, his mother bathes him (no description of corporal punishment this time), and the story ends on the cheerful note of Tom’s sisters becoming master rat catchers and keeping dozens and dozens of their tails as trophies.

And then there’s “The Story of A Fierce Bad Rabbit”. A good rabbit is eating a carrot and minding its own business when a bad rabbit snatches its carrot and roughs it up for good measure. The good rabbit hides in fear.

Good thing, too, because a hunter sees the bad rabbit and shoots at it, which somehow blows off its tail and whiskers but leaves it otherwise unscathed. The good rabbit sees it scampering by. The end.

And don’t get me started on the story about Jemima Puddleduck, who survives being outwitted by a fox who wants to eat her eggs, but then a troop of puppies gobble down her offspring instead, and she goes home crying. The end. As a palate cleanser, here’s a drawing from one of Potter’s more wholesome stories.