The Horrors of Adulting: My Warehouse Job

*Author’s note: all warehouse images are stock photos I found online, because I’m not trying to get fired or sued, y’all.

We don’t need to rehash my employment history, but to contextualize this article, I currently work in a warehouse. It has its ups and downs, and I’m here now to focus on the more disturbing aspects of it. However, because I am a grateful person, I must emphasize that I am very glad to have a job, particularly one that is autism-friendly, pays fairly, and allows me to listen to headphones while I work.

5. Robots

No, not humans acting like robots! Actual robots! I work in the stow department, so some of my coworkers roll around and bring me pods to store items for later purchase. On the upper floors, they stay in their own blocked-off section where they can’t get out, but on the first floor they trundle around loose. They look like giant Roombas. Except they have eyes. And boy can they flatten shit in a hurry if they run over it. They’re also kind of clumsy. Here’s an artist’s conception:

4. Rate

Almost all departments in my warehouse have a rate of some kind. Thankfully someone has many chances to get up to an acceptable speed, but it is possible to be fired over not being fast enough. The policy at my work is being in the bottom five percent and being given six warnings, spaced out over a two-week period each. I do find the rate pretty steep, though. Ideally we stow 250 items an hour, or roughly 12 seconds per item. For the better part of ten hours straight. It’s doable, but it’s not always a picnic, particularly during busy times, when mandatory overtime gets up to 60 hours a week.

3. Cameras, Cameras Everywhere

An important aspect of stowing is making sure I don’t block the camera that is tracking my every movement. It does so in order to take note of where the item I put away is for future reference. We’re being recorded pretty much everywhere but the bathroom (I hope). It can be unnerving to be watched all the time. It puts me in mind of the song “The Data Stream” by The Stupendium. It’s about consumerism and companies dehumanizing and controlling people:

2. The Merchandise

When I stow, I have a series of plastic tote boxes that I reach into and get products out of. I scan them, check my computer screen to make sure what I scanned matches what the computer thinks it is, then I stick the item in a pod. I never know what I’m going to find in the totes. Often it’s just basic stuff like books or crackers or weighted vests. But sometimes I’ll scan a nice, nondescript box and check my screen to see it’s a dildo, with a nice, graphic depiction in all its veiny glory. Or, as what happened the other day, I picked up a bag that felt wrong. To borrow an adverb from Andrew Michael Hurley’s novel Starve Acre, it squished spongily. I scanned it to find out that it was freeze-dried cow eyes. Just a bag of eyes, intended for dissection. I’m not squeamish, but I was gagging.

1. Safety Issues

Warehouse managers by necessity are big on safety. My work isn’t exactly a deathtrap, but it’s quite easy to get injured if you’re not careful. Your ass will get sent home if you’re not wearing shoes with nonslip soles and either steel or composite toes. Don’t sit on the ladder, don’t use your phone on the work floor, don’t run in the parking lot. You also better be wearing your hair above your shoulders, because you do not want it getting caught in a belt. Remember that scene in Saw IV?

I once worked at a different company warehouse, and I’ll never forget at orientation our host’s description of personally witnessing a “de-gloving.” If you’re unfamiliar with that phrase, I think you can guess what it means by context. Nope, not that:

But in the end, it’s not all debilitating injuries and surprise sex toys. I don’t think? Hey, here’s a mini cow getting groomed like a dog!