Time Test: ‘John Carpenter’s Body Bags’

I’m not big on re-watching movies, but every once in a while I recall something I watched a long time ago and wonder what I would think of it today. I first saw Body Bags yikes, 31 years ago, on Halloween night. I was twelve, and I stayed home to hand out candy while my older sister dressed up as Gene Simmons and went trick-or-treating. I had no memory whatsoever of the movie except that I watched it on network cable (so in reality I hadn’t actually seen it in all its glory–if you watched movies on TV in the ’90s, they were mercilessly edited for content and runtime). Given the amazing cast and crew, I’ve been meaning to see it again. It was difficult to find until recently; thank God for Tubi.

At twelve, I would have known barely any of the people involved, probably just Mark Hamill and David Warner from their voiceover work on cartoons (Batman: The Animated Series fuck yeah!) and Stacy Keach from Mike Hammer, a show my mom used to watch. However, at the time of this writing I’m 43 and of course familiar with directors John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Sam Raimi, Tobe Hooper, and Roger Corman, who show up in wacky cameos, special effects wizards Rick Baker and Greg Nicotero (the latter does the makeup here and has a brief appearance), and actor David Naughton.

The film is an anthology featuring Carpenter as a coroner delivering gallows humor Cryptkeeper style, opening each vignette with a glimpse of a corpse and telling the story behind how it got there. Who knew he was so funny and charismatic? From the very first frame, a parody of production company logos featuring Carpenter making wacky faces, I was in love.

To be honest, I started this piece months ago and let it sit, as I tend to neglect my writing quite frequently. And now I’m left with cryptic notes that I have no idea how to decipher, such as ” ‘Yoo hoo’ “, “Glass in eye,” and “Screaming boobie corpse.” What?! But without a doubt I was charmed. One of the reasons I kept putting off finishing this is I took a zillion screenshots and was lost on which to use because they’re all so delightful. This is a mere fragment of my gallery, enjoy!

Here’s Tobe Hooper (on the right) as a coroner, and Tom Arnold on the left because, again, it’s the ’90s:

This is Anne. She’s a badass. Her segment involves a gas station clerk being menaced by and defending herself from various creepy dudes:

Like Wes Craven:

Sam Raimi is MY employee of the month:

Stacy Keach as a man who wishes he had more hair:

In one amusing scene, everywhere he looks, he sees amazing hair, including that of Greg Nicotero and his follically blessed dog:

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I fucking hate Star Wars, but Mark Hamill is a national treasure.

It’s droll, it’s gory, it’s ’90s made-for-TV shlock and majorly fun. I have no idea why it’s so hard to find. What more can I say?