A sequel to the 1992 film, it continues the story of baby Anthony as a grown man (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II), now a painter living with his girlfriend Brianna (Teyonah Parris). He’s drawn to create an art installation about Candyman, complete with a piece that invites museum-goers to call him themselves. Candyman’s turf Cabrini-Green has been gentrified, but it’s still home to the titular specter–in fact, there is actually a growing hive of Candymen, and Anthony has gotten their attention.
The Candyman can!!!
As can be expected of something penned by Jordan Peele (Nia DaCosta and Peele collaborator Win Rosenfeld also have writing credit), it’s a scathing commentary on racism wrapped around a candy core of creepy goodness. The themes are modernized from the original, with a focus on police brutality and white possessiveness. This one highlights greed for financial gain and, in a very meta way, white appropriation of Black intellectual property. As Anthony’s acquaintance Burke (Colman Domingo) says while telling the story of the original Candyman, who was a nineteenth century portrait painter, “They love what we make, but not us.” It’s about goddamn time the franchise revolves around someone other than a nosy blond lady.
The POV of Trina (Ireon Roach), a Black girl in a bathroom stall; in a reversal of typical horror movie tropes, four of her white peers get slaughtered while she’s safe
Keeping with the emphasis on inclusivity, there’s a gay couple in the movie, Brianna’s brother Troy (Nathan Stewart-Jarrett) (who, in a cute bit of banter, Anthony calls his muse) and his feller Grady (Kyle Kaminsky). They’re likable, but Troy is a bit stereotypical, flamboyant and dramatic. In one scene he’s telling a scary story by candlelight and ends with a gasp of “Is my Rosé still in the freezer?” Grady is the less clichéd of the two; Troy offers him up as Brianna’s protector, assuring her that Grady can “stomp” Anthony. While the most screen time is devoted to the heterosexual main characters, in defiance of movie tropes yet again, *spoiler* they both live to the end of the movie.
Unlike Peele’s previous films, this one isn’t meant to be very funny. There are some comedic quips, one of my favorites being Anthony’s reassurance to Brianna: “Your new apartment is ghost-proof. It was on the Zillow listing.” It’s occasionally quietly amusing. I enjoy the bee puns, for example: “My board members are buzzing about McCoy’s work.” I like the ironic use of the song “The Candy Man” over the opening credits, gradually becoming distorted and steadily more unnerving. In one scene Brianna, the voice of reason throughout, is looking for Burke and sees a dark basement. “Nope,” she decides, and walks away.
Troy is also very savvy
My gripes are few, basically only that I don’t get why a racist, lowkey antagonist character (Brian King) was named after Clive Barker, who wrote the original novella. The score is entrancing, and the ambient sounds are creepy. There’s a pervasive sense of dread and even a really well-done gross-out reminiscent of David Cronenberg’s The Fly. The performances are amazing, and there’s an awesome cameo by Tony Todd. Check it out if you’re in the mood for something eerie and thought-provoking.
Digitally de-aged Tony Todd. Hopefully the bees are CGI too; nobody needs to be bee-wrangled that many times.
Based on the story by Joe Hill, who’s credited as an executive producer, and made by Blumhouse. Colorado, 1978. A small town is menaced by The Grabber (Ethan Hawke), a serial killer who targets adolescent boys. Our Final Boy is Finney (Mason Thames), who’s brave but needs to learn to stand up for himself. He gets ample opportunity to do so when The Grabber shuts him in his soundproof basement. Finney then receives helpful phone calls from Grabby’s former victims.
Thames and Jacob Moran trying to figure out how people ever used landline phones
The performances are amazing, with deeply nuanced characters. They’re all likable or at least compelling, even the dead ones. Mason Thames is wonderful as Finney, who’s vulnerable but never gives up. Madeleine McGraw shines as Finney’s sister Gwen, who’s bold and always trusts her instincts even when she faces serious consequences for it. Jeremy Davies is disturbing but moving as Finney and Gwen’s father, who’s deeply flawed and wounded but still good at the core. Ethan Hawke is unsettling as the demented and broken Grabber. The Grabber’s brother Max (James Ransone) is a basic goofy slacker character and also pretty pointless, but it’s a delight to see Hawke and Ransone reunited from Derrickson’s previous film Sinister.
Ransone trying to figure out why he’s in this movie
The movie is unsettling from the start, with eerie music playing over grainy footage of missing posters and kids bleeding. Unlike Sinister, this one relies more on suspense than jump scares. There’s a surprising amount of tension for a movie that features a kid we know is going to make it. But there are some visual callbacks to Sinister, like an upside down kid appearing suddenly. Also The Grabber, who wears a few really creepy masks, has one that bears more than a passing resemblance to Bughuul.
Bughuul: the origin story. I’d watch it.
I can’t decide how I feel that two of the three actors of color prominently featured in the movie play The Grabber’s victims. They aren’t technically the first to die; there are three white kids before them, but they are the only two still alive when the movie starts, and we get to know and like them in a way we don’t the other three. Robin (Miguel Cazarez Mora) is a cool guy, but he’s the Sassy Best Friend of Color who’s sacrificed for the white protagonist’s inner journey. Well, most SBFoCs don’t get to vigorously pummel a bully who calls them racial slurs. So there’s that at least.
As per usual, the SBFoC is more interesting than their buddy. I’d watch a whole movie about Robin.
Speaking of unwelcome clichés and creepy things, I have to gripe about The Grabber being creepy in an offensive way. I wasn’t going to bring it up, because I enjoyed the movie and Hawke’s performance, and I didn’t want it ruined by The Grabber being into same-sex pedophilia, but I googled it and folks who write lots better than I do agree with me that it’s a thing. As this article points out, The Grabber isn’t outright shown to be a pedophile, but it’s heavily implied. The Grabber coos at Finney and brushes his hair out of his face, referring to his victims as “naughty boys”. When Finney awakens suddenly to see the guy watching him sleep, he says, “I just wanted to look at you.” He’s also wont to sit around half-naked in anticipation of beating Finney with a belt if Finney comes upstairs. The film heavily evokes 1970s fears of stranger danger, but it also evokes the 1970s mentality that gay dudes are floppy-wristed and devious and weak (as The Grabber very much is–without his mask, he’s helpless and cowering) and, worse, that same sex pedophiles and gay men are interchangeable. All of which is bad enough, but the filmmakers go to a lot of trouble to establish that Finney, our hero, is not gay, despite bullies calling him anti-gay slurs, by throwing in a five-second female character to emphasize that he is attracted to girls. In fact, his entire character arc after getting out of The Grabber’s basement is that he can hit people really hard and talk confidently to his crush.
Ugh.
Overall, I was drawn in to it immediately, and I mostly liked it until the last ten minutes, which are unbearably corny. But the more I think about it, the more disappointed I am. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something moody and competently made.
Kayla (Iola Evans) is a broke wannabe computer programmer. Her best friend Isaac (Asa Butterfield), a broke wannabe game designer, has bought a role-playing video game from the ’80s, Curs>r. It promises a $125,000 reward for anyone who can beat it, piquing Kayla’s curiosity. Once she gets it converted from cassette to her laptop, she finds that the game is far from harmless nostalgia.
The film makes its point about the corruptive nature of power and hunger for profit from the beginning, with the opening shots of a palatial house. The wealthy owner, Hal (Eddie Marsan), a collector of retro games, is forced to hurt his (awful) family or make copies of Curs>r. He makes copies. Eventually. Meanwhile Kayla is poor and highly likable, supporting her agoraphobic mother (Angela Griffin), who’s devastated after the death of Kayla’s little brother. Kayla’s also quietly virtuous. She cleans an office building for a living (for the same company that rejected her application to be a programmer), and tells her boss, who calls another cleaner stupid for being pregnant, “Don’t talk to her like that.” On level one of the game, a waitress (Ioanna Kimbook) is dragged in and forced to hurt herself. When Kayla runs to help her, the girl’s boss, possessed by the game, jumps out, and Kayla throws him aside without thinking of her own safety. A scummy ancillary character, Lance (Ryan Gage), trying to convince Kayla to prostitute herself for rent money, literally puts a price on her. The film is awash with corrupt characters trying to exploit others for gain; Kayla refuses to be a victim and takes power of her own without hurting anyone (who doesn’t deserve it).
Hal’s spoiled son Gabe (Pete MacHale). Don’t ask me how that slipshod disguise stays on his face.
The filmmakers are great at building tension. There aren’t many jump scares; the horror is achieved with the continuous threat of something appalling happening. For example the scene when Kayla is looking for a rat that menaced her mother; she’s doing the typical slow horror movie search-walk, but the soundtrack is blaring a chorus of ominous synth pop overlaid with soundbites of Kayla’s mother sobbing hysterically, and it’s really effective. The game’s method of torturing people is consistently fascinating; it’s sometimes even genuinely shocking. I was surprised by how much the bloodshed affected me; many of the characters are engaging or at least sympathetic. Kayla and Isaac have a will they/won’t they potential romance going on, which generally nettles me (not every movie has to have a heteronormative romantic subplot!), but theirs is cute and painless.
Look at that chemistry! They’re adorable! Go Team Kaysaac!
I also enjoy Kayla and Isaac’s race/gender swap. Isaac, who’s white, takes on the role usually consigned to actors of color (and usually women), constantly asking Kayla, who’s Black, if she’s all right and being downright servile. Delightfully, Isaac is even recognized by the game as Kayla’s “loyal squire”. In terms of intelligence, the two are refreshingly equal; Kayla is just as knowledgeable about complex technological stuff as Isaac. However, physically, Kayla is the stronger one of the pair. Upon coming across a locked door they need to enter, Isaac muses, “We gotta find something to bust this open.” Kayla then uses her shoulder and bursts through effortlessly.
Kayla, to Lance: “Take one more step, you’ll find out what I’m worth.” She really is amazing.
My gripes are few. Mainly it’s the scene when Kayla and Isaac go to the building where the game was made and come across a VHS tape that conveniently shows the game being developed (Beck [Joe Bolland] is taking advantage of a hungry guy by getting him to agree to be experimented on in exchange for food, yet again reinforcing the theme), and is even rewound to the beginning. The tape’s contents are really creepy though, so that complaint is small. My only other issue is that Kayla leaves a trail of bodies behind her that are never investigated. A police officer shows up to question her after the incident with the waitress and is never seen again, rendering that scene pointless.
It’s the ’80s–God help you if you don’t rewind!
I was enthralled from beginning to end. Robert Englund having a voice cameo as himself should be cheesy, as should Isaac geeking out over it and doing an impression of him, but somehow it isn’t. Overall, Choose or Die is gory and disturbing but still optimistic at its heart. Check it out if you’re in the mood for a real prize of a movie.
The Starbody Health Spa: where athletic folks come to sweat, socialize…and die! A vengeful spirit is using the computerized gym equipment to murder patrons, and it’s up to owner Michael (William Bumiller) to stop it before all his members are killed, in increasingly gruesome ways.
That is one bored ghost
Oh, where to begin? I first became aware of this movie because of a Cracked article, “The 7 Most Half-Assed Monsters in Movie History“. I read it years ago, but I was unable to find Death Spa until recently, since it’s pretty obscure. Half-assed indeed! The writers run out of methods to do away with people really early on and resort to utter nonsense. Ask yourself: Do gyms have freezers? And if they do, why do they contain the shrieking eels from The Princess Bride? We’re talking acid from ceiling pipes, a butterfly press crushing a dude’s internal organs, exploding mirrors, tiles flying off shower walls (the ghost is also really good at sort of injuring people). The movie is violent as fuck, but logical (or scary) it is not.
The only deadly thing here is those killer abs. Bwa ha ha!
Buuuut, it’s not all torture to watch. As a millennial, I am required to be highly nostalgic. This movie is thus supremely satisfying, as it’s 1980s to the max! We have fitness-crazed folks in Spandex aerobics-ing it up, we have have a girl shouting “This isn’t funny, Michael!” We have, to steal a phrase from Quora, the trope of the “bacchanalian soirée”. Seriously, watch this clip. It’s bodacious!
I was surprised at the diversity of the movie. Ya know, for the ’80s. (Or in general.) There are no fewer than five Black characters, all of whom have dialogue, four of whom have names, and most of whom live to the end of the damn movie. There’s Vanessa Bell Calloway and a teeny tiny Karyn Parsons (in her bigscreen debut) as gym patrons, the peppy aerobics instructor, the legendary Ken Foree as staff member Marv, and national treasure Rosalind Cash as Stone, a no-nonsense detective investigating the deaths. When a suspect reluctantly hands her his computer printouts and sighs, “I’d like those back when you’re done, miss,” she snaps back, “Sergeant.” There are no Sacrificial Negro characters, and even the first death is a white white whitie.
Marv is without a doubt the smoothest, coolest cat in the movie. This guy refuses his help spotting, and when he can’t keep holding the barbell, Marv scoops it up in one hand while barely even looking.
Michael’s brother-in-law and resident computer expert David (Merritt Butrick) is an interesting character. It’s possible to read him as gay, in a subtextual, dated way. While pranking gym members, he stops to watch a super muscular guy and says, “Now there’s something even I can’t improve on.” He’s majorly prissy and scoffs at Michael for threatening him with “jock violence.” As he tells the detectives, “Assaulting women isn’t my style.” When Catherine, his dead twin sister, takes over his body, he wears her clothing and later morphs into her. There may be one overtly gay character, brief though he may be; in response to a woman hitting on him, a gym member replies, “I’m beta, you’re VHS.” Speaking of dated.
He’s really kind of adorable
I can’t figure out a deeper meaning for the movie. It’s actually fun how gleefully pointless and disjointed it is, with one gory or smutty event thrown in front of the next. I might theorize that a film taking place at a gym full of appearance-obsessed patrons might be saying something about shallowness, but that’s definitely not true. Within the first five minutes, we have a lady stripping down, and by the 23-minute mark, we have a whole troop of naked gals.
This is what passes for subtlety here
Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something silly but bloody. And full frontal nudity!
Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part seventeen. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):
25.) Jennifer (Jessica Paré): “Nobody likes a judge.” Joey (Rob Stefaniuk): “Yeah, nobody likes a vampire, either!” (Suck, 2009)
Yes, that is a straw sticking out of his neck. No, that’s not Matthew Lillard.
24.) Sergeant Stone (Rosalind Cash), investigating a haunted gym in which a ghost has infiltrated the automated equipment: “Aw, fuck this computer shit!” [Shoots open the door] [Lives to the end of the movie] (Death Spa, 1988)
This is not that scene. This is the one when a suspect calls her miss, and she snaps back, “Sergeant!”
23.) Amy (Jennifer Jason Leigh), regarding her friend’s invention of the hula hoop: “Finally there would be a thingamajig that would bring everyone together, even if it kept them apart spatially.” (The Hudsucker Proxy, 1994)
This scene is my runner-up quote. Transcript at the bottom of the article because the subtitles are terrible.
22.) Ave (Brian Cox): “I learned one thing during the war: that you fight with whatever you’ve got, whatever you can lay your hands on…and you never stop. The minute you do, that’s the minute the world rolls right over you.” (Red, 2008) [Not to be confused with 2010’s RED–this is about a dude who grudgingly takes revenge when three punk teens kill his dog and refuse to apologize]
Runner-up quote–Danny (Noel Fisher, pictured above): “You’re fucking crazy.” Ave: “In that case, you’d better do what I tell you, hadn’t you?”
My runner-up quote: the “You gotta say ‘I love you’ back” scene
20.) Hans (Christopher Walken): “Marty, I’ve been reading your movie. Your women characters are awful. None of them have anything to say for themselves. And most of them get either shot or stabbed to death within five minutes. And the ones that don’t probably will later on.” Marty (Colin Farrell): “Well, it’s a hard world for women. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say.” Hans: “Yeah, it’s a hard world for women, but most of the ones I know can string a sentence together.” (Seven Psychopaths, 2012)
My runner-up quote: Hans: “An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, I believe that wholeheartedly.” Billy (Sam Rockwell): “No it doesn’t. There’ll be one guy left with one eye. How’s the last blind guy gonna take out the eye of the last guy left, who’s still got one eye? All that guy has to do is run away and hide behind a bush.”
19.) Tamatoa (Jemaine Clement): “Are you just trying to get me to talk about myself? Because if you are…I will gladly do so!” (Moana, 2016)
My runner-up quote–Moana (Auli’i Cravalho), to the anthropomorphized ocean, which she is mad at: “Fish pee in you! All day!”
17.) Kwame Ture (Corey Hawkins), to a white cop who threatens to put him in jail: “We were born in jail!” (BlacKkKlansman, 2018)
If you haven’t seen this movie , it’s about Ron Stallworth (John David Washington), a cop in the ’70s who investigates the KKK by pretending to be a white dude (over the phone, no White Chicks stuff)–this is the scene when he tells off David Duke
16.) Blind Swordsman (Chris O’Dowd): “I love to paint.” Davenport (P.J. Byrne): “Oh, wow. Are you any good?” Blind Swordsman: “I don’t know.” (Dinner for Shmucks, 2010)
15.) [Alice needs guns for a heist but can’t get them legally, so she asks a woman at a gun show for help. The woman balks, but her daughter steps in] Gun Daughter (Katherine Mallen Kupferer): “Mom, you always say a gun is a girl’s best friend.” (Widows, 2018)
Can’t find a clip of that scene, but this is a good one, too
14.) Richard (Jeff Daniels): “If only everything in the world could be covered in butter. What a world that would be.” (Paper Man, 2009)
Hated this movie, but I love that line
13.) Audrey (Lupita Nyong’o, trying to break into a store to escape zombies, to Teddy (Josh Gad), who’s already inside: “We have kids out here!” Teddy: “Oh! Oh my God! I don’t give a shit!” (Little Monsters,2019)
Bonus clip of Lupita Nyong’o
Okay, last one, I promise
12.) Director Spike Jonze, wearing makeup that makes him appear much older, to a person who helps him get his mobility scooter unstuck: “You’re a nice man. Would you like to come over for dinner?” (Jackass: The Movie, 2002)
This is not that scene, but YouTube offered me either this or Spike Jonze in Bad Grandpa, and I certainly wasn’t going there
11.) Hoitz (Mark Wahlberg): “If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren’t in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you and then I’d bang your tuna girlfriend.” Gamble (Will Ferrell): “Okay, first off: a lion, swimming in the ocean. Lions don’t like water. If you placed it near a river or some sort of freshwater source, that makes sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20 foot wave, I’m assuming off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full grown 800-pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends, you lose that battle, you lose that battle nine times out of ten. And guess what, you’ve wandered into our school of tuna and now we have a taste of lion. We’ve talked to ourselves. We’ve communicated and said, ‘You know what, lion tastes good, let’s go get some more lion.’ We’ve developed a system to establish a beach-head and aggressively hunt you and your family and we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring.” Hoitz: “How you gonna do that?” Gamble: “We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It’s not gonna be days at a time. An hour? Hour forty-five? No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get some more oxygen, and stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You’re out-gunned and out-manned. Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope.” (The Other Guys, 2010)
10.) Patrick (George Newbern), to his cat: “Don’t just sit there, Nathan. Set the table.” (Doppelganger, 1993)
9.) Katherine Johnson (Taraji P. Henson), explaining to her boss why she was gone for 40 minutes just going to the bathroom–it’s the early 1960s, by the way: “There are no colored bathrooms in this building, or any building outside the west campus, which is half a mile away. Did you know that? I have to walk to Timbuktu just to relieve myself. And I can’t use any of the handy bikes. Picture that, Mr. Harrison. My uniform skirt below my knees, my heels, and a simple string of pearls. Well, I don’t own pearls. Lord knows you don’t pay coloreds enough to afford pearls! And I work like a dog, day and night, living off of coffee from a pot none of you wanna touch!” (Hidden Figures, 2016)
8.) Turner (Darrell Hammond), the CEO of an unearthly company: “Damn his vampirism! Today of all days! Uh, two bullet points for your to-do list: rewrite the Donnigan Initiative by 2 PM on Tuesday, incinerate the demon Mike’s unearthly husk, in roughly, uh…one hour.” (Netherbeast Incorporated, 2007)
You don’t have to watch the trailer–unexpectedly, the scenes with Hammond are the most watchable in the movie
7.) Max (Steve Carell), infiltrating a bomb-maker’s home under the name Shpilkes, is caught and shown footage of his spy partner in an air duct: “Mrs. Shpilkes must be lost.” (Get Smart, 2008)
6.) Sherman (Max Charles): “Now can we have some cake?” Marie Antoinette (Lauri Fraser): “Mais, oui!” Sherman: “Oh, yeah, sorry. Heh. ‘May we’ have some cake?” Marie Antoinette: “Mais, oui!” Sherman: “Maybe she can’t hear me through the hair.” (Mr. Peabody & Sherman, 2014)
5.) Irving (Christian Bale) to his wife, referring to their new microwave–it’s the ’70s: “I told you not to put metal in the science oven, what did you do that for?” (American Hustle, 2013)
4.) [This movie is based on the experiments of Stanley Milgram in the early ’60s, who tricked people into thinking they were shocking a man in another room; the experiment tested how long people would follow directions to keep pushing the shock button. With a few exceptions, most people just kept doing it.] Rensaleer (Anton Yelchin): “The man, he seems to be getting hurt.” Milgram (Peter Sarsgaard): “There is no permanent tissue damage.” Rensaleer: “Yes, but I know what shocks do to you, I’m an electrical engineer. Now I have had shocks. Get real shook up by them, especially if you know the next one is coming. I’m sorry.” Milgram: “It’s absolutely essential that you do continue.” Rensaleer: “Well, I won’t! Not with the man screaming to get out.” Milgram: “You have no other choice.” Rensaleer: “Why don’t I have a choice? I came here of my own free will, I thought I could help in a research project, but if I have to hurt somebody…if I was in his place…No, I can’t continue. I’ve probably gone too far already.” [Leaves] (Experimenter, 2015)
2.) [Joe (Denzel Washington), a homophobic lawyer, has grudgingly taken on a case defending a colleague who was fired for being gay] Young Man in Pharmacy (Andre B. Blake): “How’s the trial going?” Joe: “Excuse me?” YMiP: “It’s a great case. I saw you on television, I’m a law student at Penn.” Joe: “Oh! All right, how are you. You saw me on TV.” YMiP: “Yeah.” Joe: “It’s a good school, Penn, what year are you in?” YMiP: “Second.” Joe: “Good.” YMiP: “Listen, I just wanted to tell you this case, it’s tremendously important, and I just want to let you know I think you’re doing a fantastic job. Thank you.” [Joe gives him a business card and they shake hands] Joe: “Thank you. All right. When you graduate, you give me a call. Okay?” YMiP: “All right. Thank you.” Joe: “Take it easy.” YMiP: “Thank you very much. Listen, Joe?” Joe: “Yeah?” YMiP: “Would you like to have a drink with me? I just finished a game and I could use a beer, you know?” Joe: “Uh, no, no, I can’t, you know, my wife is…” YMiP: “I don’t pick up people in drugstores every day.” Joe: “You think I’m gay?” YMiP: “Aren’t you?” Joe: “What’s the matter with you? Do I look gay to you?” YMiP, gesturing to the sports gear he’s wearing: “Do I look gay to you? [Joe storms off] Joe, relax!” [Joe comes back] Joe: “No, what do you mean, relax? I oughta kick your faggoty little ass.” YMiP: “Take it as a compliment, jeez.” [Joe grabs his shirt] “You know that’s exactly the kind of bullshit that makes people hate your little faggoty ass.” YMiP: “You wanna try and kick my ass, Joe?”
Gay folks in movies from before the last couple of decades were pretty rare, never mind non-stereotypical ones. This here was groundbreaking.
1.) [Rachel True, discussing Sennia Nanua’s casting as the main character in The Girl with All the Gifts and the lack of parts available for her as a young Black actress] “That’s the kind of opportunity that I would have killed for in the ’90s. Reading script after script after script and wanting to read for the lead girl but going, oh, no, okay. I’m the friend, so I’m gonna say, ‘Are you okay? [Different inflections] Oh, are you okay? Are you okay?’ ” [Cut to a clip of True and Alyssa Milano in Embrace of the Vampire] “Are you okay?” “Yeah.” [Back to True’s interview] “I mean, six million different ways to Sunday. I have to figure out a million different line readings for the same line because whatever thing is going on, it’s not about the Black people and what we’re going through, it’s ‘Are you, white person in peril, okay?’ ” (Horror Noire: A History of Black Horror, 2019)
Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.
Mail Room Orienter (Christopher Darga): “You punch in at 8:30 every morning, except you punch in at 7:30 following a business holiday, unless it’s a Monday, then you punch in at 8:00. Punch in late, and they dock ya. Incoming articles get a voucher, outgoing articles provide a voucher. Move any article without a voucher and they dock ya. Letter size a green voucher, oversize a yellow voucher, parcel size a maroon voucher. Wrong color voucher and they dock ya! 6787049A/6. That is your employee number. It will not be repeated! Without your employee number you cannot get your paycheck. Inter-office mail is code 37, intra-office mail 37-3, outside mail is 3-37. [Meanwhile, people are throwing stuff at him with a bunch of other numbers.] Code it wrong and they dock ya! This has been your orientation. Is there anything you do not understand, is there anything you understand only partially? If you have not been fully oriented, you must file a complaint with personnel. File a faulty complaint and they dock ya!”
Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part sixteen of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):
25.) Ruth (Alice Lowe), on her sentient, murder-happy fetus: “Children these days are really spoiled. It’s like, ‘Mummy, I want a Playstation! Mummy, I want you to kill that man!’ ” (Prevenge, 2016)
24.) Marty (Fran Kranz), trying to prevent a horror movie from happening: “Do not read the Latin!” (The Cabin in the Woods, 2011)
Not that scene, but it’s my favorite
23.) Mark (Matt Damon), grudgingly listening to disco: “No, I am not gonna turn the beat around. I refuse to.” (The Martian, 2015)
22.) [A commercial about a woman with problem household odors] 1st Guest (Dulcie Jordan): “Fish for dinner last night?” 2nd guest (Gracia Lee): “Phewww…Harvey still smoking those cigars?” 3rd Guest (Sheila Rogers): “Christ! Did a cow shit in here?” (The Kentucky Fried Movie, 1977)
21.) Vicki (Nina Dobrev): “I wanna know where they keep the hardware in this dump. I want chainsaws and big-ass knives, and I want them now!” (The Final Girls, 2015)
20.) Bailey (Lauryn Alisa McClain), to the attendant at a haunted house attraction: “We’d like to enter your shady-ass establishment, please.” (Haunt,2019)
17.) Tanner (Tyler Perry), to his client, whose wife faked her own disappearance to teach him a lesson: “You got a book deal, a Lifetime movie, you franchised the bar. You may want to thank her. Just don’t piss her off.” (Gone Girl, 2014)
15.) Witch (Alice Krige): “You think I’m married? See you a ball and chain at my heel?” (Gretel & Hansel, 2020)
14.) Shaz (Toni Collette): “You are the cuntiest cunt of all time. Admit your cunthood.” (Mental, 2012)
13.) Gabe (Mandy Patinkin): “What do you mean, ‘what do we do?’ We move forward. It’s the only direction God gave us.” (Wish I Was Here, 2014)
12.) Edward (Tobin Bell), to his wife: “My dream was to be with you forever. And I am. So I’m happy as a clam.” (The Call, 2020)
If you haven’t seen this, yes, that’s Lin Shaye as his wife. It’s as amazing as it sounds.
11.) Kumail (Kumail Nanjiani), cheering up his future wife, who’s recovering from an illness: “I like your cane. I heard pimpin ain’t easy.” (The Big Sick, 2017)
10.) Officer Franklin (Rob Riggle), looking for a volunteer and rejecting Alan (Zach Galifianakis): “Not you, fat Jesus, slide it on back.” (The Hangover, 2009)
9.) Athena (Hilary Swank), during an epic fight scene, to her opponent, who’s about to throw her through a door: “No more glass!” (The Hunt, 2020)
Even if you never watch any of these clips, watch this one–it’s amazing
8.) Mindy (Chloë Grace Moretz), when asked by her father what she wants for her birthday: “Can I get a puppy?” Damon (Nicolas Cage): “You wanna get a dog?” Mindy: “Yeah, a cuddly, fluffy one. And a Bratz Movie Star Makeover Sasha. [Horrified silence from Damon] I’m just fucking with you, Daddy. Look, I’d love a Benchmade Model 42 butterfly knife.” (Kick-Ass, 2010)
And she gets it…It’s a marvelous bit.
7.) Becca (Ellie Kemper): “You smell like pine needles and you have a face like sunshine.” (Bridesmaids, 2011)
6.) Kisha (Essence Atkins) and Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) are pretending the ghost in their house isn’t bothering them: [A glass flies across the room] Kisha: “Good thing we switched to plastic.” [Stuff falls down by itself] Malcolm: “We’ll have to get that pot rack looked at.” [All the drawers and cabinets fly open] Malcolm: “Tea’s done.” (A Haunted House, 2013)
5.) Julie (Mamie Gummer), to her mother, a musician: “Did you have a gig tonight, or do you always dress like a hooker from Night Court?” (Ricki and the Flash, 2015) [In case you missed it, Night Court was a courtroom comedy TV show from the ’80s]
4.) [Rafael (Raymond Cruz) is checking for evil spirits by using eggs. He cracks one and black sludge comes out] Anna (Linda Cardellini), unimpressed: “Oh, that’s a trick. I saw that on Johnny Carson.” Chris (Roman Christou): “Mom?” [Three other eggs vibrate and explode, covering Anna with goo.] Rafael, deadpan: “Ta-da.” (The Curse of La Llorona, 2019)
3.) Blake (Alec Baldwin), motivating a group of realtors: “Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You want to work here, close!” (Glengarry Glen Ross, 1992)
2.) *This one’s quite lengthy, so if you don’t feel like reading a novella, do watch the clip. It’s delightful.
[Jibran (Kumail Nanjiani) and his girlfriend Leilani (Issa Rae), unwillingly embroiled in a plot involving murder and blackmail, are interrogating a frat boy, Steve (Moses Storm), while doing their best to be menacing] Jibran: “We’re asking the questions. And the answers to our questions better be answers. But the answers to your questions are gonna be my fists.” Steve: “What? [Leilani slaps him] Oww.” Leilani: “First of all, motherfucker, who do you work for?” Jibran: “Yeahhhh, motherfucker!” Steve: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jibran: “Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining.” Leilani: “Don’t do it. Don’t do it.” Jibran: “We don’t like it.” Leilani: “Nope.” Jibran: “Cause we know you’re lying and then we have piss on our backs.” Steve: “I would never do that!” Leilani: “So tell us what we wanna know.” Jibran: “Yeah. Do you know Bicycle?” Steve: “Do I know Bicycle? What does that mean?” Jibran: “Bicycle! Two wheels…” Leilani: “Handlebars.” Jibran: “Sometimes there’s a basket.” Leilani: “And sometimes there’s spokesssss.” Jibran: “Yeah, ET rode one and flew in it, bitch!” Steve: “I know what a bicycle is. Do you mean Tom?” Jibran: “I don’t know. Do we look like a bitch?” Steve: “Fine! I work for Tom. Tom rides a bicycle, he’s like a weird environmentalist!” Jibran: “Is environmentalism weird, or is it absolutely necessary?” Leilani: “I recycle everything!” Jibran: “Yeah, sometimes she’ll try and recycle eggshells and banana peels, and I’ll be like, ‘That’s more compost.'” Leilani: “Okay, focus back on me, little Brett Kavanaugh. What do you do for Tom?” Steve: “I’m not supposed to say.” Leilani: “Shut the fuck up and talk, Chug-a-lug Chuck!” Steve: “How am I supposed to shut the fuck up and talk at the same time? That’s impossible!” Leilani: “Figure that shit out!” Jibran: “Figure it out.” Steve: “Please, all we do is we stuff these envelopes, okay? And then we have to deliver them to these like rich people.” Leilani: “What rich people?” Steve: “I don’t know, okay? He works at this like, uh, club. These people are…These people are dangerous, okay? You don’t wanna fuck with these people, okay? I just– [Leilani smacks him] Oww! I have been one hundred percent cooperating!” Leilani: “I don’t like your tone, Date Rape McGee!” (The Lovebirds, 2020)
1.) Alike (Adepero Oduye), coming out to her father: “Tell Mom she was right. God doesn’t make mistakes.” (Pariah, 2011)
Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.
Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part fifteen of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):
This movie would have been a lot more interesting if Mark Ruffalo had gotten with Tim Robbins instead of Gwyneth Paltrow. Look at that chemistry!
24.) [Llewyn has lost a couple’s cat and accidentally returned a similar-looking but wrong cat] Lillian (Robin Bartlett): “Where’s its scrotum?” (Inside Llewyn Davis, 2013)
23.) [Ron can’t get into either bathroom in the house, so he pees into a jug] Don (Richard Jenkins): “Your mother puts orange juice in that thing.” (The Hollars, 2016)
22.) Amy (Angela Bettis), an alien infiltrating an office building to let her superiors know when Earth is ready for destruction: “I hope you like exploding, because that’s what you’ve got to look forward to, buddy!” (Drones, 2010)
It’s a lot funnier than the trailer makes it look
21.) Simon (Alex Draper), explaining parenting to his son: “We tell you everything’s okay when it’s not okay. We tell you we’re strong when we’re not strong. We’ll tell you there’s no spinach in it when there’s spinach in it.” Finn (Charlie Tacker), to himself: “I knew it.” Simon: “Anything, so you don’t know.” Finn: “Don’t know what?” Simon: “That you aren’t safe. Not really.” (The Witch in the Window, 2018)
20.) Zelda (Tilda Swinton), a mortician completely unruffled by the return to life of her clients: “So, the dead just don’t wanna die today, is that it? [Beheads the two reanimated corpses] That’s a shame. I had them looking so bonny.” (The Dead Don’t Die, 2019)
19.) Sylvia (Amanda Seyfried): “Doesn’t that scare you? That you’ll never do anything foolish? Or courageous, or anything worth a damn?” (In Time, 2011)
18.) Kelly (Rose Byrne), engorged after not feeding her baby overnight: “I’m more milk than woman.” (Neighbors, 2014)
17.) [Teddy (Zac Efron) is learning how to make hard-boiled eggs] “Don’t put the eggs in there, it’s gonna melt em.” (Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising)
16.) Viago (Taika Waititi), to his vampire flatmate: “I was thinking maybe I should just bring a broom down here for you if you wanted to sweep up some of the skeletons.” (What We Do in the Shadows, 2014)
15.) John (Sarah Snook), to his lover Jane, who by a time traveling paradox, is also John (it’s a mindfuck of a movie, but good watching): “You’re beautiful. Someone should have told you that.” (Predestination, 2014)
14.) Raffi, the human representation of Time (Jacob Latimore): “You all like to bitch and complain. There isn’t enough time. Life is short. Oh, here, the gray hairs are coming in. You know, a day is long as hell. I’m abundant. I’m a gift. Even while you’re standing here talking shit, I’m gifting you, and you’re wasting it.” (Collateral Beauty, 2016)
13.) [Navin (Steve Martin), a white dude who’s not very bright, is upset and crying when his mother, who’s Black, tells him he’s adopted] “You mean I’m gonna stay this color?” [Cries harder] (The Jerk, 1979)
10.) Roy Boy (Kevin J. O’Connor), to a Canadian police officer: “We got ways of making you pronounce the letter o.” (Canadian Bacon, 1995)
Steven Wright is priceless; one of my runner-up quotes, from a letter to a prisoner: “Thank you for sleeping so quietly. I love you even though you’re a criminal.”
9.) Holland (Ryan Gosling): “I’m done. Put a fork in me…Don’t really put a fork in me.” (The Nice Guys, 2016)
8.) [Watching a slasher movie] David (Alex Kogin): “Marty, you missed the boobs.” Marty (Gavin Brown): “Eh, they’ll be back.” (found., 2012)
7.) Elizabeth (Lily James): “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.” (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, 2016)
6.) Norah (Kristen Stewart), to her colleague who wants to wander away by himself: “Dude, don’t check it out. Just come back.” (Underwater, 2020)
5.) Judy (Tracey Leigh): “What you’re asking my husband is completely insane.” Otis (Bill Moseley), cheerfully: “I’m completely insane!” (3 From Hell, 2019)
I have lots of problems with this movie, including most of the promotional artwork, so here’s a very abstract poster
4.) [Emily (Amy Schumer) is drunk, and her boob falls out of her dress] James (Tom Bateman): “Your tit’s out.” Emily [thinking he’s complimenting her]: “You’re tits out, too.” James: “No, your tit is actually emerged.” Emily: “I thought I felt a breeze.” (Snatched, 2017)
Not from that scene, obviously
3.) Wai-Tung (Winston Chao), coming out to his parents: “Nobody led me astray. I was born this way.” (The Wedding Banquet, 1993)
This was huge for the early ’90s
2.) [Sam (Fran Kranz) is on the phone with his friend Chuck (Alyson Hannigan) regarding a series of murders at his summer camp] Chuck: “You said this crazed killer is a guy, right? Okay, so maybe we should talk about the guys out there, you know? See if we can figure out who this asshole is.” Sam: “How does knowing who it is help me not die?” Chuck: “Well, I think figuring out what they want could help you not die.” Sam: “Smart.” Chuck: “Like, is it an old camper who got teased as a kid and is back for blood?” Sam: “No.” Chuck: “Or is it a parent who’s looking for revenge after a counselor let their kid drown?” Sam: “Jesus, I hope not, no.” Chuck: “Or does one of the counselors have a formerly conjoined twin?” Sam: “What movie is that from?” Chuck: “That could be a huge problem.” (You Might Be the Killer, 2018)
1.) Rod (Lil Rel Howery), rescuing his pal from murderous whities: “Consider this situation fuckin handled.” (Get Out, 2017)
My runner-up quote–Detective LaToya (Erika Alexander), laughing at Rod’s seemingly crazy story: “Oh, white girls. Oh they get you every time!”
Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.
Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part fourteen of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):
25.) [Miles (Daniel Radcliffe) has been unwillingly thrust into a fight to the death with Nix (Samara Weaving)] Miles: “So how about you and me, we can just, like, truce things out, and you can stop destroying my things. Or, just, like, shoot around the really rare stuff?” Nix: “Okay. Here’s what we’ll do. Take a few minutes. Breathe. Relax.” Miles: “Okay.” Nix: “And then go take a shit because there’s nothing worse than shooting a poop-filled corpse.” (Guns Akimbo, 2019)
24.) Dennis (Frederick Koehler): “All I do now is hope…hope that the cheap electric car will come crashing through the doors. I’ll be safely back at the carnival, and the scariest haunted house in the world will finally come to an end.” (The Evil Within, 2017)
If you haven’t seen this, it’s actually pretty creepy. There’s an interesting story behind it, but the article has spoilers for the movie, so beware!
23.) Danny Trejo, as “himself”, a prisoner in a Russian gulag: “I’m a triple threat: a singer, a dancer, and a murderer!” (Muppets Most Wanted, 2014)
22.) Laurel (Julianne Moore), a police officer dying of cancer and trying to make sure her pension goes to her girlfriend: “When my heterosexual partners die their pension goes to their spouses. But because my partner is a woman, I don’t get to do that. In my twenty-three years as a police officer, I’ve never asked for special treatment. I’m only asking for equality.” (Freeheld, 2015) [This is based on a true story from long before gay marriage was legal.]
21.) Dave (Nick Thune): “Aah! Everyone are assholes!” Harry (James Urbaniak): “Is.” Dave: “Everyone is assholes! No, that doesn’t sound right.” (Dave Made a Maze, 2017)
This is not that scene, but ooh it’s a good one
20.) Jack (Rob Corddry), on the odd happenings in his house and visitors popping up suddenly: “I am so sick of being startled!” (Hell Baby, 2013)
19.) Vienna (Joan Crawford), a saloon owner holding off an angry mob: “Down there I sell whiskey and cards. All you can buy up these stairs is a bullet in the head. Now which do you want?” (Johnny Guitar, 1954)
If you watch this (and of course I hope that you do, that’s why I put it there), the dialogue is a little out of sync with the actors’ mouths, but the stellar performances come through. That’s Mercedes McCambridge in the green dress.
18.) [Marge (Frances McDormand), who’s pregnant and having morning sickness, leans close to the ground at a crime scene] Lou (Bruce Bohne): “You see something down there, Chief?” Marge: “No, I just think I’m gonna barf.” (Fargo, 1996)
17.) Regan (Sarah Davenport), the lead in a horror film the writer/director proudly proclaimed as being full of smart women [plug for an interview I did with him at the time goes here]: “I got a book that needs reading.” (The Hatred, 2017)
16.) Father Tom (Henry Thomas), who’s possessed, regarding Doris, who is also possessed: “She’s part of the walls now. And she told me the most wonderful, awful things.” (Ouija: Origin of Evil, 2016)
15.) [Filmmaker Michael Moore re-dubs old movie footage of Jesus to make a point about corporate greed] “I’m sorry, I cannot heal your pre-existing condition. He’ll have to pay out of pocket.” (Capitalism: A Love Story, 2009)
14.) “I’m sorry, what should I say to bring someone out of hiding? We have candy. Free pony rides!” (Don’t Blink, 2014) [I don’t remember who said this, or quite what the context was, but it’s got the nostalgia factor for me as I encountered it as part of a project when I watched a hundred movies released in 2014 in order to make my own Academy Awards-style show exclusively about horror movies; I had a best quotes category, and this was a nominee.]
13.) Harley Quinn (Melissa Rauch) is working as a waitress at a Hooters-type restaurant for gals in costume, and a dude tries to grab her butt: “Gonna lose that hand, puddin.” (Batman and Harley Quinn, 2017)
12.) Aldo (Brad Pitt), threatening a German soldier who won’t give him information: “Quite frankly, watchin Donny beat Nazis to death is the closest we ever get to goin to the movies.” (Inglourious Basterds, 2009)
10.) Brad (Ed Helms), on the phone with David (Jason Sudeikis): “I’m just getting some singing lessons from my main man, Ben Folds Five, ain’t that right, Ben Folds Five?” Ben Folds: “My name is Ben Folds. Five is the name of the band.” Brad: “You’re fuckin with me, I love it! [To David] You gotta meet this guy! Benjy Five is a laugh riot! Remember that song ‘Brick’ we used to listen to, ‘She’s a brick and I’m drowning slowly’, it’s–I’ve got the guy! I fucking got that guy! He’s like my personal bitch! Listen, is everything okay?” David: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, things are fine. I’m about 200 miles away from you, I’ll be there in less than three hours, all right?” Brad: “All right, peace!” [Hangs up] David, to himself: “Oh, fucking asshole!” Brad, to Folds: “Scales, let’s do this.” Folds: “This gig sucks.” Brad: “Don’t talk to me like that. I will have you killed and no one will miss your fuckin nerd music.” (We’re the Millers, 2013)
9.) Michelle (Melissa McCarthy), to her former assistant’s daughter, whom she’s babysitting: “Have you seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre? It’s the goriest part. You’re missing it!” (The Boss, 2016)
7.) [On a cable network that’s actually hell] The Exorcisist Instructor (Kim Restell): “Cool down. Shake it out. Okay. Now vomit!” (Stay Tuned, 1992)
6.) [In the movie, a hotel is dedicated to helping people find a mate, and if they don’t do so after 45 days, they’ll be turned into an animal] Hotel Manager (Olivia Colman) on how to spend one’s last night as a human: “It would be wise to do something you can’t do as an animal. For example, read a work of classic literature or sing a song you really like.” (The Lobster, 2015)
This isn’t that scene, but it’s also delightfully absurd
5.) Tuskegee Airman #1 (Keith Powell): “The Tuskegee airmen are headed down the runway!” Tuskegee Airman #2 (Craig Robinson): “Would you stop narrating everything we do? Just live in the moment!” Tuskegee Airman #1: “The Tuskegee Airmen are living in the moment!” (Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, 2009)
There should really be a clip of this
4.) LaBoeuf (Matt Damon): “My name is LaBoeuf. I’ve just come from Yell County.” Mattie (Hailee Steinfeld): “We have no rodeo clowns in Yell County.” (True Grit, 2010)
3.) Nishino (Teruyuki Kagawa): “Your husband is a fine fellow. The other day, we chatted on the street. Ladies must love him.” Yasuko (Yûko Takeuchi): “No, not really. Bye now.” (Kurîpî: Itsuwari no rinjin, AKA Creepy, 2016)
2.) Annie (Toni Collette), to her teenage son: “All I do is worry and slave and defend you, and all I get back is that fucking face on your face!” (Hereditary, 2018)
1.) [Calvin (Kevin Hart) is being threatened in a bar after stopping a guy from taking his friend’s chair]: “Let’s go.” Bob (Dwayne Johnson): “Nah. We’re not going anywhere, Jet. This whole thing will be over in a jiff.” Thug (George Carroll): “Hey, how about this? Why don’t you and your boyfriend apologize to Big Rick here and then go jerk each other off in the parking lot?” Calvin: “That’s, that’s a lot…” Bob: “Yeah. You’re right, C.J. That’s a lot of homophobia coming out of a very angry man. You need to go get that looked at by a trained professional. But, since you have escalated this whole scenario by bringing what I can only assume is an unlicensed firearm into this public place, endangering the lives of all these innocent people, I can no longer, in good conscience, walk away and jerk anyone off in the parking lot. I’m afraid we ain’t going anywhere.” Big Rick (Nate Richman): “It’s time for you to get outta here, pal.” Thug: “There’s four of us, tough guy.” Bob: “Yeah. No, I got that. All right, well, before this whole thing goes down, you should know one thing about me.” Thug: “What’s that?” Bob: [Drinks a shot] “I don’t like bullies.” [Beats up all four of them in seconds] (Central Intelligence, 2016)
Bonus clip–Kumail Nanjiani is a pure delight
Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.
Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part thirteen of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):
25.) Vincent (Risteard Cooper), host of a show about paranormal activity: “Do you ever have nightmares after eating cheese? You might have eaten a ghost. Even the weakest ghosts can possess cheese quite easily due to the living bacteria in the cheese.” (Extra Ordinary, 2019)
If you haven’t seen this, it’s bloody hilarious. Here’s the trailer. You’re most welcome.
24.) Ruth (Melanie Lynskey), who’s disheartened when her house is broken into: “But everyone is an asshole.” Angie (Lee Eddy): “That’s not true.” Ruth: “Yes, and dildos.” Angie: “That’s not true.” Ruth: “Fuck-faces.” (I Don’t Feel at Home in This World Anymore., 2017)
If you haven’t seen this, it’s pretty great. And directed by Macon Blair.
23.) [A teenage girl has switched bodies with a serial killer, unbeknownst to her friends, who attack her] Millie/Blissfield Butcher (Vince Vaughn): “Everyone’s tired. We’ve done lots of hitting. It’s time to talk.” (Freaky, 2020)
21.) Linda (Maya Rudolph), to robots who have endangered her children: “I am Linda Mitchell, mother of two. Look upon me in fear!” (The Mitchells vs the Machines, 2021)
20.) [Decorating for a wedding] Grandma Delores (Peggy Stewart): “Excuse me, sir, put some more girly shit up there.” (That’s My Boy, 2012)
19.) [Clarence is hallucinating that his cousin’s cat can talk in the voice of his namesake, Keanu Reeves, who plays himself] “Hello, Clarence. It’s me, Keanu. Meow.” (Keanu, 2016)
18.) [Vanellope (Sarah Silverman) has materialized in the Disney princesses’ private room, and they’re on the offensive] Pocahontas (Irene Bedard): “What kind of a princess are you?” Vanellope: “What kind?” Rapunzel (Mandy Moore): “Do you have magic hair? Vanellope: “No.” Elsa (Idina Menzel): “Magic hands?” Vanellope: “No.” Cinderella (Jennifer Hale): “Do animals talk to you?” Vanellope: “No.” Snow White (Pamela Ribon): “Were you poisoned?” Vanellope: “No!” Tiana (Anika Noni Rose)/Aurora (Kate Higgins): “Cursed?” Vanellope: “No!” Rapunzel/Belle (Paige O’Hara): “Kidnapped or enslaved?” Vanellope: “No! Are you guys okay? Should I call the police?” Ariel (Jodi Benson): “Then I have to assume you made a deal with an underwater sea witch, where she took your voice in exchange for a pair of human legs!” Vanellope: “No! Good Lord, who would do that?” Snow White: “Have you ever had true love’s kiss?” Vanellope: “Eww, barf!” Jasmine (Linda Larkin): “Do you have daddy issues?” Vanellope: “I don’t even have a mom.” Ariel/SnowWhite/Jasmine/Pocahontas/Elsa/Belle/Cinderella/Anna (Kristen Bell): “Neither do we!” Rapunzel: “And now for the million dollar question: Do people assume all your problems get solved because a big strong man showed up?” Vanellope: “Yes! What is up with that?” (Ralph Breaks the Internet, 2018)
17.) Vic (Reed Birney): “I’d call you a heel.” Renaldo (Bruce Campbell): “So I’m a heel. So what of it? Who are you?” Vic: “Maybe I’m just a guy who hates heels.” Renaldo: “Maybe I’m a heel who hates guys who hate heels.” Vic: “Oh yeah? Well, maybe I’m a guy who–“[Renaldo punches him] (Crimewave, 1985)
16.) Megan (Natasha Lyonne), doing a cheer for Graham (Clea DuVall), who loves her but fears reprisal from her parents: “1, 2, 3, 4, I won’t take no anymore. 5, 6, 7, 8, I want you to be my mate. 1, 2, 3, 4, you’re the one that I adore. 5, 6, 7, 8, don’t run from me cause this is fate. I love you.”
If you’ve never seen this, it’s about two girls who fall for each other at a gay conversion camp
15.) Christopher (Chris Sharp), to his cat, who’s on his chair: “Sir Lancelot, could you please get down? [Sir Lancelot stares back incredulously] Fine.” [Leaves, and ends up at the titular party where people are trying to kill him] (Murder Party, 2007)
His name is Sir Lancelot! Not just Lancelot, he’s a knight!
14.) [Candy (Meg Cionni), in the process of becoming a zombie, is visibly ill and has blood coming out of every orifice in her face] “It’s just the sniffles.” (Buck Wild, 2013) [Have to admit, this was a lot more amusing six years before Covid]
13.) Baymax (Scott Adsit), a robot petting a cat: “Hairy baby! Hairy baaaby.”
12.) Jamie (Jake Gyllenhaal), to his girlfriend, who has Parkinson’s disease and is upset at how much she will have to rely on him when she gets sicker: “Let’s just say in some alternate universe, there’s a couple just like us, okay? Only she’s healthy and he’s perfect. And their world is about how much they’re going to spend on vacation or who’s in a bad mood that day, or whether they feel guilty about having a cleaning lady. I don’t want to be those people. I want us. You. This.” (Love and Other Drugs, 2010)
Yeah, it’s majorly sappy. Come at me!
11.) [Noelle (Francesca Eastwood) has become a vigilante killer of rapists who got away with it after being attacked herself]: “Well, I didn’t know any of the victims personally, but from what I hear, they didn’t really sound like stand-up guys.” Detective Kennedy (Clifton Collins Jr.): “Good guys, bad guys, short, tall, you break the law, there’s going to be consequences.” Noelle: “I guess it depends on which law you break.” (M.F.A., 2017)
10.) Amos (Boris Karloff), thinking that every time his daughter speaks to him she wants him to pass the sugar (when usually she’s upset that her husband is trying to poison him): “You’re eatin much too much sugar. You know that, don’t you?” (The Comedy of Terrors, 1963)
9.) Thomas Wayne: (Linus Roache): “Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.” (Batman Begins, 2005)
8.) Porter (Anton Yelchin), giving a speech: “Our parents, our teachers, our doctors, have lied to us. And it’s the exact same lie. The same six words: ‘Everything is going to be okay.’ ” (The Beaver, 2011)
Don’t know why it’s so difficult to find a clip or image from that scene. If you’ve never heard of it, Mel Gibson plays a dude who starts communicating through a beaver puppet; Yelchin plays his son
7.) [Mona (Katherine Heigl) has just dismembered somone her husband cheated on her with]: “You’re gonna need to pick up some more trash bags from Costco tomorrow–I’d write it down for you, but I’m just covered in that girl. Ugh. Just…distasteful.” (Home Sweet Hell, 2015)
6.) [Matt is hit with a flying dismembered foot and screams] Mitch (Dwayne Johnson): “That’s good luck, pick it up.” (Baywatch, 2017)
Ugh, this movie was a slog. But you gotta love Dwayne Johnson.
5.) [David (Vince Vaughn) chides Brett (Chris Pratt) for talking about abortion in front of his children] Brett: “My children know that they’re too old to be aborted.” (Delivery Man, 2013)
4.) Eloise (Loretta Devine), about her magical abilities: “I put you up. I put you down. I put you sideways and I spin you around.” (Spell, 2020)
3.) Abby (Sarah Paulson): “I got my eye on this redhead who owns a steakhouse outside of Paramus. I’m talking serious ‘Rita Hayworth’ redhead.” Carol (Cate Blanchett): “Really? You think you got what it takes to handle a redhead?” (Carol, 2015)
2.) Bullhorn (Byron Minns), who speaks most of his dialogue in rhyme, gets stuck: “Man! Them honkies gonna be runnin for cover, when us brothers get…get…get…Hmm.” (Black Dynamite, 2009)
My runner-up quote–Black Dynamite (Michael Jai White): “Who the hell is interrupting my kung fu?”
1.) [Sisu (Awkwafina) is mad that her gem is broken] Raya (Kelly Marie Tran): “But I still have a big chunk of it, though.” Sisu: “Is that supposed to make me feel better? If you lost a puppy, and I said, well, we still have a big chunk of it, would that make you feel better?” (Raya and the Last Dragon, 2021)
Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.
Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part twelve of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):
25.) Max (Anton Yelchin), trying to politely dissuade his undead girlfriend from boning him: “Oh, please, Evelyn, you just rose from the dead, you deserve more than a quickie.” (Burying the Ex, 2014)
24.) [Freddie (Christian Cooke) is trying to sell Brian (David Earl) insurance] Brian: “Any spare cash I have I spend on porn.” Freddie: “Insurance, you need insurance.” Brian: “Nah. Porn.” Freddie: “You need insurance, Brian.” Brian: “I need porn.” Freddie: “Insurance!” Brian: “Porn!” (Cemetery Junction, 2010)
23.) Amanda (Olivia Cooke): “You can only get so far thinking how everyone else thinks.” (Thoroughbreds, 2017)
22.) [Demonstrating Dick Cheney’s pervasive powers of persuason] Cheney (Christian Bale): “What if on a unilateral basis we all put miniature wigs on our penises and we walked out to the White House lawn and jerked each other off, so, like a puppet show, but much more enjoyable.” Donald Rumsfeld (Steve Carell): [Approvingly] “Hmm.” Henry Kissinger (Kirk Bovill): “I do like a good puppet show.” President Gerald Ford (Bill Camp): “I say we do it!” (Vice, 2018)
21.) Gwen (Sigourney Weaver), an actor from a Star Trek-style TV show, forced by aliens to reenact a dangerous scene on a replica starship: “Whoever wrote this episode should die!” (Galaxy Quest, 1999)
20.) Natalie (Rebel Wilson), about romantic comedies: “All those movies are lies set to terrible pop songs.” (Isn’t it Romantic, 2019)
19.) El Guapo (Alfonso Arau), regarding the sudden prevalence of white dudes: “What is happening around here today? Are gringos falling from the sky?” [Another guy falls from overhead] Jefe (Tony Plana): “Yes, El Guapo.” (Three Amigos!, 1986)
18.) Julie (Frances McDormand), in response to being threatened: “If you’re not going to kill me, I have things to do.” (Darkman, 1990)
17.) [Queen Elizabeth (Cate Blanchett) has found out her secret boyfriend Lord Robert (Joseph Fiennes) is seeing someone else] Robert: “For God’s sake, you are still my Elizabeth.” Elizabeth: “I am not your Elizabeth! I am no man’s Elizabeth!” (Elizabeth, 1998)
16.) Lt. Tucker (Amy Sedaris): “You didn’t fill out your retirement papers.” Detective Handsome (Jeff Garlin): “You pulled me out here for that?” Tucker: “I thought you should know.” Handsome: “Of course I know. I’m the one who didn’t fill em out.” Tucker: “Don’t try to complicate things with your sweet talk.” Handsome: “Sweet talk?” Tucker: “You poor, innocent kid. You just don’t get it, do you?” Handsome: “No.” Tucker: “What were we talking about?” Handsome: “I have no idea.” Tucker: “Believe me, I’ll remember. And when I do, you’ll know, missy.” (Handsome: A Netflix Mystery Movie, 2017)
15.) Ben (Viggo Mortensen), lecturing his fantastically educated daughters not to speak a language unless everyone present speaks it: “No Esperanto. I’m not joking.” (Captain Fantastic, 2016)
13.) Harry (Robert Downey Jr.): “God, I’m sore. I mean, physically, not like a guy who’s angry in a movie in the 1950s.” (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, 2005)
12.) “Removing an eye is easy. All it takes is a confident man and a coffee spoon.” (Senseless, 2008)
Or a confident woman, jeesh
11.) Bartender (John Rue): “You look like you had a bad day.” Joel (Paul Rudd): “Heh, tell me about it.” Bartender: “Well, you came in here looking like crap and you haven’t said very much.” Joel: “You can say that again.” [Repeats exact dialogue multiple times.] (They Came Together, 2014)
10.) [Captain Underpants (Ed Helms) has fallen out of a window and into the street] Driver: “Out of the road, bozo!” Captain Underpants: “Why thank you, vehicle person!” (Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie, 2017)
9.) Jungle Brad (Dan Conroy): “The jungle is a dangerous place, that’s true, but as anyone who has ever seen two monkeys give each other things knows, it’s a happy place, too.” (The Lost Skeleton Returns Again)
Not a lot of pictures or clips of Jungle Brad, so here’s the trailer
8.) Russ Thorn (Michael Villella), the killer, posing as a pizza guy: “Pizza delivery.” Jeff (David Millbern) [referring to the cost of the pizza]: “What’s the damage?” Russ Thorn [referring to his running total of victims]: “Six…so far.” (The Slumber Party Massacre, 1982)
7.) Batman (Will Arnett): “Okay, Robin. Together, we’re gonna punch these guys so hard, words describing the impact are gonna spontaneously materialize out of thin air.” (The Lego Batman Movie, 2017)
6.) Abel (Mark Rylance), to his lawyer, James (Tom Hanks): “Standing there like that you reminded me of the man that used to come to our house when I was young. My father used to say, ‘Watch this man.’ So I did. Every time he came. And never once did he do anything remarkable.” James: “And I remind you of him?” Abel: “This one time, I was at the age of your son, our house was overrun by partisan border guards. Dozens of them. My father was beaten, my mother was beaten, and this man, my father’s friend, he was beaten. And I watched this man. Every time they hit him, he stood back up again. So they hit him harder. Still he got back up to his feet. I think because of this they stopped the beating. They let him live. ‘Stoit i muzhik,’ I remember them saying it. ‘Stoit i muzhik.’ Which sort of means like uh, ‘standing man’. ” (Bridge of Spies, 2015)
5.) Malcolm (Jack Black): “I wanna punch that guy in the nose.” Pauline (Jennifer Jason Leigh): “You’ve never hit anyone.” Malcolm: “I have too!” Pauline: “Who?” Malcolm: “Lots of people! They’re not around cause I punched them.” (Margot at the Wedding, 2007)
4.) [Lori (Elisabeth Shue) bursts into a writer’s office on a soap opera set] “Hi, uh, I’m Lori Craven and…I’m an actress.” Betsy Faye Sharon (Carrie Fisher): “An actress! Really! How nice for you! I’m Betsy Faye Sharon and I’m a bitch. Now get out of here.” (Soapdish, 1991)
Oh Carrie Fisher, America’s sweetheart. We miss you.
3.) [After fighting evil shapeshifters] Lou (Leo Fafard): “God, I could use a drink.” Tina (Amy Matysio): “I could use a hospital.” Lou: “Okay. Two stops.” (Wolf Cop, 2014)
2.) [Shane (John Hawkes) brags that he has women on every corner of the globe] Pierre (Anton Yelchin): “Globes don’t have corners!” (The Driftless Area, 2015)
1.) Bessie Smith (Queen Latifah) to the KKK, who are trying to ruin her show: “You better pick up your sheets and run!” (Bessie, 2015)
Couldn’t find a decent clip of that scene, so this’ll have to do
Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.
GhoulieJoe 