GhoulieJoe

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part eleven of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Leonidas (Sean Maguire): “Let us talk by the giant pit of death.” (Meet the Spartans, 2008)

24.) [Harold (Will Ferrell) and Professor Jules (Dustin Hoffman) are discussing what kind of fictional character Harold is] Jules: “Aren’t you relieved to know you’re not a Golem?” Harold: ‘Yes, I am relieved to know that I am not a Golem.” (Stranger Than Fiction, 2006)

23.) [Wiesler (Ulrich Mühe), an East German secret police officer, starts to interrogate a kid about his subversive father and changes his mind] “What is the name of your…” Junge mit Ball (Paul Maximilian Schüller): “My what?” Wiesler: “…ball?” (The Lives of Others, 2006)

22.) Shrek (Mike Myers) has absconded with his wife’s teenage cousin Artie (Justin Timberlake) and tries to convince him to take over as king by using outdated slang: “Listen, Artie. If you think this whole mad scene ain’t dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I’m not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever. What I am screaming is, yo, check out this kizz-ing thizz-ing ba-zaby. I mean if it doesn’t groove or what I’m saying ain’t straight trippin just say ‘Oh no you didn’t! You, you know, you’re getting on my last nerve.’ And then I’ll know it’s–then I’ll know it’s wack! [Runs into a tree branch] Ow!” Artie: “Somebody help! I’ve been kidnapped by a monster trying to relate to me!” (Shrek the Third, 2007)

21.) [Dewey (John C. Reilly) has incited a riot after crooning a pop song about holding hands] Preacher (Rance Howard): “You think we don’t know what you’re talking about when you say ‘take my hand’?” Dewey: “What do you mean? It’s about holding hands.” Dewey’s Pa (Raymond J. Barry): “You watch your mouth.” Preacher: “You know who’s got hands? The devil. And he uses them for holdin.” (Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, 2007)

20.) Brennan (Will Ferrell): “Did we just become best friends?” Dale (John C. Reilly): “Yep!” (Step Brothers, 2008)

19.) Dana (Steve Coogan), roller skating: “Goddamn gravel, the bane of my existence!” (Hamlet 2, 2008)

18.) Shelley (Anna Faris), recreating the moment in The Seven Year Itch when Marilyn Monroe stands over a subway grate, but the steam is burning her: “That is fucking hot!” (The House Bunny, 2008)

17.) Reporter (Peter Bryant): “Reporting live for Black TV–white folks are dead, we’re gettin the fuck out of here!” (Scary Movie, 2000)

16.) Feng (Christopher Walken): “Kill them both. We’re missing Antiques Roadshow.” (Balls of Fury, 2007)

15.) Chuck the stoner surf instructor (Paul Rudd): “Let’s go surfing. Come on. Everybody’s learnin how. Come on. [To the tune of “Let it Snow”] The weather outside is…weather.” (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, 2008)

14.) Andrew (Michael Caine): “Love will kick you up the arse as soon as look at you.” (Sleuth, 2007)

13.) Nellie (Gaby Hoffmann) on the subject of abortion: “Goddamn it! You guys, we already live in a patriarchal society where a bunch of weird old white men in robes get to legislate our cunts.” (Obvious Child, 2014)

12.) Pilar (Eréndira Ibarra), looking at an ominous portrait of her friend’s aunt: “That’s the spirit who stole Christmas, man.” (Más Negro Que la Noche, 2014)

11.) Frank (Rainn Wilson), a self-styled superhero: “You don’t butt in line! You don’t sell drugs! You don’t molest little children! You don’t profit on the misery of others! The rules were set a long time ago! They don’t change!” (Super, 2010)

10.) Ben (Luke Evans), regarding a cruel prank he played as a teen: “I was just a kid.” Sue Ann (Octavia Spencer): “So was I, motherfucker!” (Ma, 2019)

9.) Ree (Jennifer Lawrence): “Never ask for what oughta be offered.” (Winter’s Bone, 2010)

8.) Peter (Adam Nathan), about being gay: “Your dick knows what it likes.” (Parting Glances, 1986)

7.) [Nick (Jason Bateman) is waiting in the car while his friends break into a dentist’s office to steal nitrous oxide, and they leave him with a Dora the Explorer walkie talkie]: “I call lookout, and I will let you know if I see Swiper.” (Horrible Bosses 2)

6.) [Danny is involving his assistant’s children in a plot to help him win a girlfriend, and he continuously prompts them to pretend to laugh] Michael (Griffin Gluck): “Why are we always laughing? Is there something wrong with us?” (Just Go with It)

5.) Possessed teenage girl (Phoenix Connolly): “I will rip your soul out, Daddy.” (Evil Dead, 2013)

4.) [A true crime writer looking to write another bestseller has moved his family into a cheap murder house, and his daughter has been corrupted by the demon behind the killings, which leads her to poison him–sorry for the labyrinthine exposition] Ashley (Clare Foley): “Don’t worry, Daddy. I’ll make you famous again.” (Sinister, 2012)

3.) Maddie (Kate Siegel) is trying to finish writing her book but is frustrated by writer’s block: [Types] “Ending stuff. THE END. Money now please.” (Hush, 2016)

2.) Zora (Shadi Wright Joseph), trying to convince her mother to let her drive the car while escaping murderous doppelgängers: “I have the highest kill count in the family!” (Us, 2019)

1.) Bryan, a lawyer (Michael B. Jordan), to a man on death row for murder: “Whatever you did, your life is still meaningful.” (Just Mercy, 2019)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part ten of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) The Coroner (John Carpenter): “Natural causes…natural causes…natural causes…I hate natural causes! Give me a big stab wound to poke at and then I’m happy.” (Body Bags, 1993)

24.) [After an extended parody of the opening scene in Scream, the killer jumps out of a cake that Screw (Aimee Graham) is frosting]: “Hey, you’re not Marilyn Melons.” (Shriek if You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th, 2000)

23.) Jodi (Charlyne Yi), to her roommate’s pregnant date: “You must be angry at the baby whenever it steals your food, huh. Ohh, that’s mine, not yours. But, you know, because you’re family you gotta share.” (Knocked Up, 2007)

22.) Betty Lou (Penelope Ann Miller) explaining to her lawyer Ann (Alfre Woodard) why she confessed to a crime she didn’t commit: “All I said was ‘guilty’, and people finally looked at me like I existed.” Ann: “And I’m supposed to feel sorry for you? If you’re unhappy, drink!” (The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag, 1992)

21.) [Jumping out of a plane] Rabinowitz (Ryan Stiles): “Geronimo!” Harbinger (Miguel Ferrer): “Geronimo!” Geronimo (Stuart Proud Eagle Grant): “Me!” (Hot Shots! Part Deux, 1993)

20.) Hogan (Clint Eastwood): “Here. [Hands his companion a dead rattlesnake] If we get split up, this is good eatin.” (Two Mules for Sister Sara, 1970)

19.) Nicholas (Simon Pegg), a cop interrogating teens in a bar: “When’s your birthday?” Underage Drinker #1 (Tom Strode Walton): “22nd of February.” Nicholas: “What year?” Underage Drinker #1: “Every year.” (Hot Fuzz, 2007)

18.) Sethe (Oprah Winfrey), referring to the daughter she lost: “Paul, she my best thing.” Paul D (Danny Glover): “You your own best thing, Sethe.” (Beloved, 1998)

17.) [Homer and Bart need to get rid of an explosive threatening the town but instread are having an emotional reconciliation] Marge (Julie Kavner): “Somebody throw the goddamn bomb!” (The Simpsons Movie, 2007)

16.) Screw-on Head (Paul Giamatti): “All really intelligent people should be cremated for reasons of public safety.” (The Amazing Screw-on Head, 2006)

15.) Annie (Juanita Moore), referring to the cruel world her Black daughter was born into: “How do you explain to your child she was born to be hurt?” (Imitation of Life, 1959)

14.) “All skeletons are against me, they always have been! Even when I was a child, I was hated by skeletons!” (The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra)

13.) [Talking about his dogs]: “I’m the only guy in Lee County who sleeps with five bitches every night.” (Small Town Gay Bar, 2006)

12.) [John has been beaten up by Mr. Woodcock (Billy Bob Thornton), who had supposedly taken him for a burglar, even after he identified himself] Woodcock: “John’s a very common name. There could be a burglar named John.” John (Seann William Scott): “What burglar shouts out his own name?” (Mr. Woodcock, 2007)

11.) [Brian (Graham Chapman) is thought to be a messiah, but he doesn’t want to be] “Fuck off!” Arthur (John Cleese): “How shall we fuck off, oh Lord?” (Monty Python’s Life of Brian, 1979

10.) Tess (Eileen Brennan): “Please excuse Sam, he was shot in the head last week.” (Murder by Death, 1976)

9.) Thug Boss (Kirk Douglas): “I’m going to have some sense beaten into you.” Rigby (Steve Martin): “What’s he paying you boys? I’ll double it and we’ll beat the shit out of him.” (Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid, 1982)

8.) Gil (Steve Martin), to his daughter, who’s not feeling well: “You feel like you wanna throw up?” Taylor (Alisan Porter): “Okay.” [Vomits all over him] (Parenthood, 1989)

7.) Salazar (Nick Cannon), brandishing a machete: “By the power of Grayskull.” (Day of the Dead, 2008) [In case you weren’t there, that’s a reference to the 80s cartoon He-Man and the Masters of the Universe]

6.) [Talking to his father about losing his leg in the war] Willie (Frankie Muniz): “They gave you a medal for it, right?” Jack (Kevin Bacon): “I’d rather have a leg.” (My Dog Skip, 2000)

5.) Seth (Jonah Hill), trying to coerce an acquaintance to buy alcohol with a fake ID: “Then I’ll cut your dumb little fucking face off, throw it over mine, and get your ID and buy it my fucking self!” Fogell (Christopher Mintz-Plasse): “Oh really. You don’t have the technology or the steady hands to pull off a procedure like that, so ha! Peace.” (Superbad, 2007)

4.) [After shaking hands with Davy Jones] Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp): “I feel sullied and unusual.” (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, 2006)

3.) Babe (Winona Ryder), pretending to be in her childhood home: “This was my brother’s room. [Opens the door to a closet.] My parents hated my brother.” (Mr. Deeds, 2002)

2.) Ken (Brendan Gleeson): “You’re a cunt now, and you’ve always been a cunt. And the only thing that’s goint to change is that you’re going to be an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids.” Harry (Ralph Fiennes): “You fucking retract that bit about my cunt-fucking kids!” (In Bruges, 2008)

1.) Sita (Nandita Das), to her sister-in-law, whom she’s having an affair with: “You’ve been cooking all day. Let me massage you.” (Fire, 1996)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part nine of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Creedy “(Gerard Butler): “Only thing worse than a dragon…Americans.” (Reign of Fire, 2002)

24.) [Two members of a self-styled neighborhood watch are trying to intimidate a teen who egged them] Franklin (Jonah Hill): “Do you think it’s nice to throw eggs at people?” Evan (Ben Stiller): “Do you?” Franklin: “You gonna answer the question? It’s rude. It hurts peoples’ feelings and it hurts their faces.” Evan: “And now you deal with the consequences.” Franklin: “Homegirl’s trying to make an omelet.” Evan: “Yeah, look at me.” Franklin: “Look at his face.” Evan: “Look at my face.” Franklin: “Look at his face and listen to me.” Evan: “Look at him and listen to me.” Franklin: “Look at him and understand me. Look at both of us, but understand no one. Listen to my words and hear his face.” (The Watch, 2012)

23.) [Julia (Clare Higgins) tears out her former lover’s heart in a callback to the previous movie, in which he stabbed her and assured her it was nothing personal] “Nothing personal, babe.” (Hellbound: Hellraiser II, 1988)

22.) Marge (Ronee Blakley), after calmly explaining to her frightened daughter that Freddy Krueger can’t hurt her because she and a mob of other parents burned him alive: “He can’t get you. He’s dead, honey, because Mommy killed him.” (A Nightmare on Elm Street, 1984)

21.) Carol (Helen Hunt): “I don’t know if you’re being cute or crazy now.” Melvin (Jack Nicholson): “Cute.”  (As Good as It Gets, 1997)

20.) [A woman’s tongue has become sentient, murderous, and fertile, and it tries to convince her a baby would be a good idea]: “It could bring love, peace, and happiness into the world. Save the whales and the dolphins and the prawns and little things that crawl and go ‘lookie’ and all the rest of that shit.” (Killer Tongue AKA La Lengua Asesina, 1996)

19.) Tec (Damien Dante Wayans), after two cars drive into his house: “Don’t anybody know where the goddamn driveway is?” (Malibu’s Most Wanted, 2003)

18.) Sheila Broflovski (Mary Kay Bergman): “Remember what the MPAA says: horrific, deplorable violence is okay as long as people don’t say any naughty words.” (South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, 1999)

17.) [Danny (Austin O’Brien) has been transported into the world of a series of action movies starring Jack (Arnold Schwarzenegger), and Jack has killed an intruder hiding in his closet] Danny: “Jeez, how’d you know there was a guy in there?” Jack: “There’s always a guy in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.” (Last Action Hero, 1993)

16.) [Mulan (Ming-Na Wen), who’s posing as a man to save her father from having to join the army, has been caught in a brawl by Shang (BD Wong)]: “You know how it is when you get those manly urges, you just gotta kill something…fix things…cook outdoors…” Shang: “What’s your name?” [Falters while trying to make something up] Chi Fu (James Hong): “Your commanding officer just asked you a question!” Mulan: “I’ve got a name…and it’s a boy’s name, too!” (Mulan, 1998)

15.) Governor Ratcliffe (David Ogden Stiers): “Wiggins, why do you think those insolent heathens attacked us?” Wiggins (also David Ogden Stiers): “Because we invaded their land and cut down their trees and dug up their earth?” (Pocahontas, 1995)

14.) Fozzie (Frank Oz): “A bear in his natural habitat: a Studebaker.” (The Muppet Movie, 1979)

13.) [In a hot air balloon] Fozzie (Frank Oz): “What if there’s a storm? Or we get struck by lightning?” Gonzo (Dave Goelz): “That’d be neat!” (The Great Muppet Caper, 1981)

12.) Kate (Christina Ricci), regarding feelings of love: “I know. There’s chemicals.” (Mermaids, 1990)

11.) [National treasure Pootie Tang has recorded a new single that’s completely silent, but people still love it. A young boy has cranked up the song on the radio, and his father storms in]: “Turn that noise down, dammit!” (Pootie Tang, 2001)

10.) Mark (Jack Nicholson), upon finding out his wife is pregnant: “Let’s sing all the songs we know about babies.” (Heartburn, 1986)

9.) Charlie (Christopher Walken), a gangster who has been kidnapped and had his finger severed: “I’m bleeding to death. Humor me.” (Suicide Kings, 1997)

8.) [The Black Knight (John Cleese) won’t let King Arthur (Graham Chapman) pass]: “I move for no man.” Arthur: “So be it!” [Cuts off his arm] Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!” Knight: “Tis but a scratch!” Arthur: “A scratch? Your arm’s off!” Knight: “No it isn’t!” Arthur: “What’s that then?” Knight: “I’ve had worse.” (Monty Python and the Holy Grail, 1975)

7.) Robin Hood (Cary Elwes): “Watch my back.” Ahchoo (Dave Chappelle): “Your back just got punched twice.” (Robin Hood: Men in Tights, 1993)

6.) Thomas Builds-the-Fire (Evan Adams) “Sometimes it’s a good day to die, and sometimes it’s a good day to have breakfast.” (Smoke Signals, 1998)

5.) Brandon (John Dall): “What would you say to some champagne?” Janet (Joan Chandler): “Hello, champagne.” (Rope, 1948)

4.) [Lewis (Daniel Hansen) has been brought to the future by Wilbur, and a robot he invents when he’s older has recognized him and run away in terror] “Well, that was unexpected. [Wilbur jams a Carmen Miranda-style fruit hat on his head to cover his distinctive hair] …As was that.” (Meet the Robinsons, 2007)

3.) “Every ass has its price.” (Before Night Falls, 2000) [I cannot for the life of me remember who said this in the movie, and I can’t find anything when I google it. I’m pretty sure it was the main character, Reinaldo, or Bon Bon, pictured below.]

2.) Thug: “I have a message for you from Vincent Ludwig! [Starts shooting at him] Take that, you lousy cop!” Drebin: (Leslie Nielsen): “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you! Don’t fire the gun while you’re talking!” (The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!, 1988)

1.) [Brenda (Regina Hall), holding Shaquille O’Neal’s femur–he appears in a Saw parody at the beginning]: “I don’t believe it! The aliens killed a dinosaur!” (Scary Movie 4, 2006)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part eight of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Viola (Amanda Bynes), who’s pretending to be a boy, is hit in the groin with a soccer ball: “Oh. Right. Ow! Oh, for the love of God! It burns!” (She’s the Man, 2006)

24.) Peyton (Rebecca De Mornay), threatening a kid who’s been bullying her nannying charge: “Leave Emma alone! Look at me! If you don’t, I’m gonna rip your fucking head off!” (The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, 1992)

23.) Loc Dog (Marlon Wayans): “She got more kids than Mrs. Wayans!” (Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood, 1996) [The movie was written by Marlon and Shawn Wayans, who famously have a lot of siblings]

22.) [Elvira has just been hit by a falling movie marquee letter] Bob (Daniel Greene): “How’s your head?” Elvira (Cassandra Peterson): “Well, I haven’t had any complaints yet.” (Elvira: Mistress of the Dark, 1988)

21.) [Two escaped convicts are trying to board a plane with hostages] Ticket Agent (Siobhan Fallon Hogan): “Okay, I’m gonna need the names of the passengers.” Snake (Tom Sizemore): “John Smith.” Ticket Agent: “And the other passengers, sir?” Snake: “John Smith.” Ticket Agent: “You’re all John Smith?” Snake: “Everybody.” Ticket Agent: “I’m gonna need some photo ID, sir.” [Snake gives her money] “There you go.” Ticket Agent: “Okay then, family Smith. Have a nice vacation.” (Big Trouble, 2002)

20.) David (David Naughton), to his friend who was killed gorily by a werewolf and returns as a ghost to warn him: “I will not be threatened by a walking meatloaf!” (An American Werewolf in London, 1981)

19.) Francesca (Gale Garnett): “Go on without me, Felix. Just leave me something to read.” (Mad Monster Party?, 1967)

18.) Frankenstein (Whit Bissell): “Speak. I know you have a civil tongue in your head because I sewed it back myself.” (I Was a Teenage Frankenstein, 1957)

17.) [The ghost of the Titanic shows up in the harbor] Dock Supervisor (Cheech Marin): “Well, better late than never.” (Ghostbusters II, 1989)

16.) [Harry (Orlando Jones) has spotted alien creatures] Ira (David Duchovny): “Oh, cool. Great. Snag one!” Harry: “Snag one?” Ira: “Yeah. Snag one and put them in the bucket.” Harry: “I’ve seen this movie, the Black dude dies first. You snag it!” (Evolution, 2001)

15.) Rachel (Naomi Watts), to Richard (Brian Cox), about his unholy daughter: “I have to stop her. If I don’t, my son will die!” Richard: “Oh, yes. He will. She never sleeps.” (The Ring, 2002)

14.) James Earl Jones, introducing a segment: “Here the sensitive strings of Impressionistic music combine with the subtle artistry of the animators to finally answer the age-old question: What is man’s relationship to nature? [Animator hands him a sheet of paper] Oh, sorry. That age-old question: What would happen if you gave a yo-yo to a flock of flamingos? Who wrote this?” (Fantasia 2000, 1999)

13.) Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire), trying to activate his web powers: “Go web! Fly! Up, up, and away, web! Shazaam! Go! Go! Go web go! [Finally gets it to work] Tally ho.”(Spider-Man, 2002)

12.) Chucky (Brad Dourif), to Andy, who’s back for the sequel: “Snap out of it! You act like you’ve never seen a dead body before!” (Child’s Play 2, 1990)

11.) Ben (Nicolas Cage): “Do you know what the preservation room is for?” Riley (Justin Bartha): “Delicious jams and jellies?” (National Treasure, 2004) [It’s actually for cleaning and maintaining important historical documents, apparently]

10.) Guy on TV (Johnny Depp): “This is your brain. [Cracks an egg into a frying pan] This is your brain on drugs. Questions?” Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund): [Smacks him with the pan] “Yeah! What are you on? Looks like a frying pan and some eggs to me!” (Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, 1991) [This is a callback to PSAs from the 80s,in case you missed them]

9.) The Cheshire Cat (Sterling Holloway), literally standing on his head: “Can you stand on your head?” (Alice in Wonderland, 1951)

8.) Doc (Christopher Lloyd), reacting to Marty frequently calling situations “heavy”: “Why are things so heavy in the future, is there something wrong with the Earth’s gravitational pull?” (Back to the Future, 1985)

7.) Dr. Gonzo (Benicio Del Toro): “As your attorney I advise you to rent a very fast car with no top. And you’ll need the cocaine.” (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, 1998)

6.) Mudwell (Bill Barretta): “Dead Tom’s dead. Long John shot him!” Walleyed Pike (Steve Whitmire): “But Dead Tom’s always been dead. That’s why he’s called Dead Tom.” (Muppet Treasure Island, 1996)

5.) Rizzo (Steve Whitmire), regarding ghosts: “Whoa, that’s scary stuff. Hey, should we be worried about the kids in the audience?” Gonzo (Dave Goelz): “That’s all right, this is culture.” (The Muppet Christmas Carol, 1992)

4.) [A family of bunnies is disguised as a giant bunny to scare a dog into giving them back their brother, whom he has kidnapped] Bean (Steve Whitmire): “I won’t hurt you, and do you know why?” Dog (Jim Henson): “No, why, Mr. Giant Bunny?” Bean: “Because those who hurt others hurt themselves.” Dog: “‘Those who hurt others hurt themselves.’ Oh, that’s profound.” (The Tale of the Bunny Picnic, 1986)

3.) Seth (George Clooney), regarding his evening fighting vampires: “Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are!” (From Dusk Till Dawn, 1996)

2.) [Private Joker (Matthew Modine) has found Private Gomer Pyle (Vincent D’Onofrio) out of their bunk after lights out] Joker: “Leonard, if Hartman comes in here and catches us, we’ll both be in a world of shit.” Pyle, who has been pushed to the breaking point: “I am in a world of shit.” (Full Metal Jacket, 1987)

1.) Smokey (Leonard Jackson): “White folks get stranger all the time.” (The Brother from Another Planet, 1984)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part seven of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Dolores (Kathy Bates), to her abusive husband: “This is the last time you ever hit me! Next time, one of us is going to the boneyard.” (Dolores Claiborne, 1995)

24.) Libby (Kathy Bates): “I am a gay lesbian woman. I do not mythologize the male sexual organ!” (Primary Colors, 1998)

23.) Captain Kirk (William Shatner): “Spock, you wanna know something? Everybody’s human.” Spock (Leonard Nimoy): “I find that remark…insulting.” (Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, 1991)

22.) Terry (Whoopi Goldberg), who has been injected with truth serum, which makes her loopy, upon coming across a punk ’80s couple with brightly colored hair: “Oh look, a tropical fish and his mate.” (Jumpin’ Jack Flash, 1986)

21.) Joanna (Katharine Ross), on the event of her being replaced by a robot: “There’ll be someone with my name and she’ll cook and clean like crazy, but she won’t take pictures and she won’t be me!” (The Stepford Wives, 1975)

20.) “As you’re pretty, so be wise/Wolves may lurk in every guise/Now as then, ’tis simple truth/Sweetest tongue has sharpest tooth.” (The Company of Wolves, 1984)

19.) Tomie (Miho Kanno): “You will marry a worthless man one day and have stupid kids.” (Tomie, 1998)

18.) Mollie (Kirstie Alley), who’s in labor: “Don’t touch me! I’m going to have this baby without you touching me!” (Look Who’s Talking, 1989)

17.) [Shitty guy steals Harold’s (John Cho) parking space] “Better luck tomorrow!” (Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, 2004) [This is a reference to Cho’s earlier film of the same name.]

16.) After Richard (Mel Brooks) relentlessly hounds a bellboy (Barry Levinson) to get him a newspaper, the guy surprises him in the shower with it, in homage to Psycho. Richard, sprawled in the bathtub afterwards: “That kid gets no tip.” (High Anxiety, 1977)

15.) Grandma (Glynis Johns), to a group of her granddaughter Mary Katherine’s (Molly Shannon) friends, whom she is training for a talent competition: “We’ve got two days to the big show, so when I say kick, you want to kick, and when I say dip, you dip, and when I say tap, you tap, and when I say–” Mary Katherine: “We get it, Grandmother, we get it, we get it.” Grandma: “I’ve got two more. And when I say booga booga, you booga booga.” Maria (Jennifer Irwin): “What’s booga booga mean?” “I don’t know, but if I say it you better fuckin figure it out!” (Superstar, 1999)

14.) Divine: “This is a direct attack on my divinity!” (Pink Flamingos, 1972)

13.) Bus driver (Tony Genaro): “Girls, watch out for those weirdos.” Nancy (Fairuza Balk): “We are the weirdos, mister.” (The Craft, 1996)

12.) Phil (Bill Murray), who is reliving the same day over and over, to the kid he catches falling out of a tree: “You little brat! You have never thanked me. I’ll see you tomorrow…maybe.” (Groundhog Day, 1993)

11.) Ben (Nathan Phillips), drunk and unaware that he’s teasing a serial killer: “Man, you must love the freedom.” Mick (John Jarratt): “What?” Ben: “Freedom. You know, you must love it. You know, hanging out in nature and shit. You get to like, you know, cruise around the bush, saying cool stuff like ‘That’s not a knife. This is a knife.'” (Wolf Creek, 2005) (In case you were born before the mid-80s, this is a reference to the movie Crocodile Dundee, in which a grizzled Australian man visiting America informs a would-be mugger that his knife is insufficient in size compared to his own.)

10.) “Buildings burn. People die. But real love is forever.” (The Crow, 1994)

9.) Melman the giraffe (David Schwimmer), who’s a hypochondriac: “I often doze off while I’m getting an MRI.” (Madagascar, 2005)

8.) Terry (Mark Ruffalo), in response to his nephew complaining that his seatbelt is uncomfortable: “Well, when someone slams into us and you go sailing through the windshield, that’s liable to be uncomfortable, too. Now put on your seatbelt.” (You Can Count On Me, 2000)

7.) Beavis (Mike Judge), at the Hoover Dam: “Is this a God dam?” (Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, 1996)

6.) Henry (Macaulay Culkin), a youth with major conduct disorder (which is what they call sociopathy in minors): “Once you realize you can do anything, you’re free.” (The Good Son, 1993)

5.) [A vigilante group has formed to take down a guy with animal organs who has become animal-like and is suspected of attacking people] Mob Member (Norm MacDonald, RIP), after asking a series of inane questions of mob leader Sgt. Sisk (John C. McGinley): “Hey, I got another question! Hey, uh, doesn’t this guy deserve a fair trial?” Sisk: “You–back of the mob!” Mob Member: “‘Back of the mob’? What? This is my spot! I came early!” Sisk: “Okay, out of the mob!” “Eh, this mob blows.” (The Animal, 2001)

4.) Special Agent Chester Desmond (Chris Isaak), investigating a murder: “Teresa Banks had a ring. Do you have any idea what happened to it?” Sheriff Cable (Gary Bullock): “We got a phone here. It’s got a little ring.” (Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, 1992)

3.) Michael (Steve Martin), to his late wife’s portrait: “Rebecca, if there’s anything wrong with my feelings for Dolores, give me a sign. [The painting spins around, cracks appear in the wall, the lights go out, and a disembodied voice wails] Just any kind of sign. I’ll keep on the lookout for it. Meanwhile, I’ll just put you in the closet.” (The Man with Two Brains, 1983)

2.) Motivational speaker Debra (Sigourney Weaver): “I have people coming to me and saying, ‘Debra, I’m in love with an alcoholic. What should I do?’ And I say don’t look to me for answers. Look to yourself! Find that source of unconditional love, find that all-encompassing, ultimate love. Surrender to that unending, infinite love that will let you say ‘Hey! Fuck you! Get outta my house til you stop drinking!'” (Jeffrey, 1995)

1.) Sofia (Oprah Winfrey), to her mother-in-law, who had advised her son to hit Sofia to keep her in line: “All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy, I had to fight my uncles, I had to fight my brothers. A girl child ain’t safe in a family of men. But I never thought I had to fight in my own house! I loves Harpo. God knows I do. But I’ll kill him dead before I let him beat me.” (The Color Purple, 1985)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part six of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Zarabeth (Kathleen Wilhoite), a psychic: “I see danger ahead.” Brandon (Stephen Nichols), who’s driving her home: “For Linda?” Zarabeth: “For you. If you miss my house!” (Witchboard, 1986)

24.) Vida (Patrick Swayze): “I think tomorrow is a ‘Say Something’ hat day.” (To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar, 1995)

23.) Diane (JoBeth Williams): “I told you that we never should have told them that the house vanished into thin air!” (Poltergeist II: The Other Side, 1986)

22.) Mr. Jones (John Witherspoon): “Hey, young man! You got knocked the fuck out!” (Next Friday, 2000)

21.) Beth (Aubrey Plaza), to her boyfriend, who’s aghast at her eating habits after she returns from the dead: “What do you want from me, Zach? I’m a fucking zombie! Zombies eat guys!” (Life After Beth)

20.) Claudia (Barbra Streisand), a call girl on trial for killing a client in self defense: “Don’t judge my blowjobs, they’re sane!” (Nuts, 1987)

19.) Pritchett (Chris Kattan), in a hurry to leave before the ghosts in his house come out: “Goddamn it, you gimme my goddamn check right now! Cause I want it! You give it!” (House on Haunted Hill ,1999)

18.) Roger (Campbell Scott), who works in advertising: “I gotta get home, look for work. As we speak, consumers everywhere need reminding of how fat and unattractive they are.” (Roger Dodger, 2002)

17.) Inspector Kemp (Kenneth Mars): “A riot is an ugly thing. And I think that it’s just about time that we had one!” (Young Frankenstein, 1974)

16.) Vicki (Kim Basinger), having dinner with Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) at his comically large, rich-people dining table: “Do you like eating in here?” Bruce: “Oh, yeah…To tell you the truth, I don’t think I’ve ever been in this room before.” (Batman, 1989)

15.) Dennis (Matthew Lillard): “Did I just say there was a petting zoo downstairs? NO! There are ghosts downstairs, Arthur!” (Thir13een Ghosts, 2001)

14.) Jessica (Rob Schneider), a teenage girl who has accidentally switched bodies with a man: “You think you’re so cool cause you can pee with your penis.” (The Hot Chick, 2002)

13.) Fauno (Doug Jones): “Why would a poor little faun like me lie to you?” (Pan’s Labyrinth, 2006)

12.) [Deloris (Whoopi Goldberg) is hiding from the mob in a nunnery and has asked Mother Superior (Maggie Smith) if she can use the phone] Mother Superior: “Whom would you call?” Deloris: “I don’t know. Satan?” (Sister Act, 1992)

11.) Heather (Antonia Bernath) to W.C., who has suggested calling the fire department to deal with the outbreak of the undead: “Great idea! Zombie firemen! Bigger zombies–with axes! Yay!” (Stalled, 2013)

10.) David (Eric Clawson), to Topaz, who has been trying to communicate with zombies to find out their motivation for being aggressive, and finds out they just really want to kill people: “See? I told you, that’s all they ever want!” (The Dead Hate the Living!, 2000)

9.) Barbara (Kathleen Turner), who wants to divorce her husband Oliver (Michael Douglas): “When I watch you eat, when I see you asleep, when I look at you lately, I just wanna smash your face in.” Oliver: “Come on. Smash my face. You wanna smash my face?” [Barbara punches him] (The War of the Roses, 1989)

8.) [Trish (Gina Philips) has just run over the monster pursuing them] Darry (Justin Long): “You think he’s dead?” Trish: “They never are.” [Reverses the car to run him over some more] (Jeepers Creepers, 2001)

7.) Socrates (Nick Nolte): “You have to get rid of all your addictions.” Dan (Scott Mechlowicz): “What addictions do I have?” “Talking! Especially interrupting.” (Peaceful Warrior, 2006)

6.) Dr. Travis (Peter Curtin): “Are you crazy?” Kyle (Chaney Kley): “Yeah. A little bit.” (Darkness Falls, 2003)

5.) Lieutenant Kinderman (George C. Scott), relaying a non-sequitur about how there’s a live fish in his bathtub and it disturbs him: “I can’t go home until the carp is asleep.” (The Exorcist III: Legion, 1990)

4.) Guy in car to his boyfriend, who, unbeknownst to him, has kicked out the window because he’s been decapitated: “Holy shit! You really are ticklish!” (Hellbent, 2004)

3.) Peter (James Le Gros), to the food critic who has destroyed his career with a mean critique of his restaurant: “Now my review. J.T. Franks is a worthless cunt who doesn’t deserve to live. The end!” (Bitter Feast, 2010)

2.) Garbled voice over the phone, à la The Ring: “Seven days.” Cindy (Anna Faris): “What? Willie Mays?” Voice: “Seven days.” Cindy: “Who’s gay? Hello?” Voice: “Seven days.” Cindy: “What?” Voice: “Can you hear me now?” Cindy: “Kind of.” Voice: “Can you hear me now?” Cindy: “Yes. Perfect.” Voice: “Seven days.” Cindy: “Seven days. Oh, my God. I’m gonna die next Monday?” Voice: “Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.” Cindy: “So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?” Voice: “Forget hours. This day seven days from now.” Cindy: “But there’s a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?” Voice: “Well, that depends. What holiday?” Cindy: “Martin Luther King Day.” Voice: “Then no.” Cindy: “Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.” Voice: “Jesus Christ, lady. I’m giving you seven friggin days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you’d rather have that.” (Scary Movie 3, 2003)

1.) Dwayne (Paul Dano): “Fuck beauty contests! Life is one fucking beauty contest after another.” (Little Miss Sunshine, 2006)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part five of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Dracula (Gary Oldman): “They say you are a man of good…taste.” (Bram Stoker’s Dracula, 1992)

24.) Playwright Joe Orton (Gary Oldman), ogling a guy: “He’s built like a brick shithouse!” (Prick Up Your Ears, 1987)

23.) Frida Kahlo (Salma Hayek): “At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.” (Frida, 2002)

22.) El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas): “Carolina, did I thank you?” Carolina (Salma Hayek): “No.” El Mariachi: “I will.” (Desperado, 1995)

21.) Renee (Darlanne Fluegel), an evil zombie who’s melting in a fire: “Your father and I are trying to work things out!” (Pet Sematary Two)

20.) Nora (Helen Reddy): “If there’s enough room in this town for a chowderhead like you, then there’s more than enough room for a dragon.” (Pete’s Dragon, 1977)

19.) Seth (Jeff Goldblum): [Cheerfully examining a growth on his stomach] “Oh, look at this. What’s this? I don’t know.” (The Fly, 1986)

18.) Anastasia (Meg Ryan): “Do you really think I’m royalty?” Dimitri (John Cusack): “You know I do.” Anastasia: “Then stop bossing me around.” (Anastasia, 1997)

17.) Armand (Robin Williams), to his son, who’s getting married to a senator’s daughter and wants to pretend his parents are heterosexual: “Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I’m a middle-aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I’m not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don’t give a damn what he thinks.” (The Birdcage, 1996)

16.) Jasmine (some white lady–I mean Linda Larkin): “I am not a prize to be won!” (Aladdin, 1992)

15.) Robert Thorn (Gregory Peck), after being warned that his son is the antichrist: “I never want to see you again.” Father Brennan (Patrick Troughton): “You’ll see me in hell, Mr. Thorn.” (The Omen, 1976)

14.) Brick (Steve Carell), atop a bear at the zoo: “Hey, Ron! I’m riding a furry tractor!” (Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy)

13.) Darcy (Joan Allen), reading the note her husband, whom she has just found out is a serial kiler, left with her sleeping pills: “Ask yourself if you really need one of these tonight. Yeah, well, I think tonight I do!” (A Good Marriage, 2014)

12.) Title card: “Based on true events. While the names have been changed to respect the victims and their families, the musical numbers will be performed exactly as they occurred.” (Stage Fright, 2014)

11.) Mrs. Banks, a suffragist (Glynis Johns): “We’re all going to Downing Street to throw things at the Prime Minister.” (Mary Poppins, 1964)

10.) Doofer (Harland Williams), who’s dressing as a lady to infiltrate a party: “Look at this little handbag, man, this’ll go perfect with my shoesies.” (Sorority Boys, 2002)

9.) Adult Francie (Stephen Rea), narrating a scene of his childhood: “If anyone was looking for Francie the bad bastard they wouldn’t find him because he was busy getting the Francie not a bad bastard anymore diploma.” (The Butcher Boy, 1997)

8.) Hyo-shin (Park Yejin), to her girlfriend: “I heard church bells when I first saw you.” (Yeogo goedam II AKA Whispering Corridors: Memento Mori)

7.) [Miss Price (Angela Lansbury) has turned the headmaster into a rabbit] “I warned you, Mr. Browne. Now where is the book?” (Bedknobs and Broomsticks, 1971)

6.) Ed (Nick Frost), on the phone with his friend’s mum: “We’re coming to get you, Barbara.” (Shaun of the Dead, 2004) [This is a play on the line “They’re coming to get you, Barbra” from Night of the Living Dead]

5.) The meaning of life: “Try and be nice to people. Avoid eating fat. Read a good book every now and then. Get some walking in. And try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.” (Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, 1983)

4.) Flight attendant played by Molly Ringwald, star of many teen angst movies in the ’80s: “Fucking teenagers!” (Not Another Teen Movie)

3.) Wilbur (Henry Gibson), to Charlotte: “Does versatile mean full of eggs?” (Charlotte’s Web, 1973)

2.) Captain Lucas (Nestor Paiva): “It is impossible. But I, Lucas, will do it.” (Creature from the Black Lagoon, 1954)

1.) [Kelly (Alexie Gilmore) and Jim (Bryce Johnson) are studying murals of Bigfoot] Kelly: “He seems clinically depressed, actually.” Jim: “Yeah. ‘Bigfoot sad. Bigfoot no want to work in garden.’ ” Kelly: “Why are they forcing him to do all this work?” Jim: “I don’t know, what the fuck is this. Like, they got him as a day laborer or something. ‘Bigfoot help you put up house for berries.’ ” Kelly: “I would avoid man, too, if I had to do all of this shit.” (Willow Creek, 2013)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part four of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Ben (Muse Watson), seeking revenge on the four teens who hit him with their car while drunk driving and left him for dead: “You in some kind of trouble, child?” Julie (Jennifer Love Hewitt), not recognizing him: “Yes, yeah, I’m in a lot of trouble.” Ben: “That’s a shame, being that it’s the Fourth of July and all. Kids like you should be out having fun. Drinking, partying, running people over, getting away with murder…things like that.” (I Know What You Did Last Summer, 1997)

24.) Lance (Chris Rock), a bicycle messenger protesting that he could be visiting a resident and not making a delivery: “What’s wrong with me just coming here trying to have some cocoa?” (Down to Earth, 2001)

23.) Petie (Michael Shannon) to Honey, a movie star: “Tell me about Mel Gibson’s dick and balls!” (Cecil B. Demented, 2000)

22.) Boromir (Sean Bean): “What is this new devilry?” (The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, 2001)

21.) Lance Armstrong, to Peter (Vince Vaughn): “Quit? You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung, and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I’m sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that’s keeping you from the finals?” (Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, 2004)

20.) Mrs. Peacock (Eileen Brennan): “Everything all right?” Colonel Mustard (Martin Mull): “Yep. Two corpses. Everything’s fine.” (Clue, 1985)

19.) Brad (Barry Bostwick), to a group of Transylvanians who just finished a complicated dance number: “Say! Do any of you guys know how to Madison?” (The Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975)

18.) Dr. Giggles (Larry Drake), to a young lady he’s forcing a needed but unwanted organ transplant on: “You may be having second thoughts, but when you wake up you’ll have a change of heart.” (Dr. Giggles, 1992)

17.) Daryl (who’s secretly Satan) (Jack Nicholson): “Men are such cocksuckers, aren’t they?” (The Witches of Eastwick, 1987)

16.) Slim (David Hyde Pierce), who is a stick bug, is trying to get his friend’s attention: “I’m the only stick with eyeballs!” (A Bug’s Life, 1998)

15.) Hoffner (Klaus Kinski): “I see you like guns. What else do you like? [Fondles Bryce’s breast] You still haven’t told me what else you like.” Bryce (Diane Salinger): “Violence.” [Elbows him] (Creature, 1985)

14.) [A crow caws] “Nevermore!” Mia (Desi Lydic): “That sounds familiar.” Nadine (Diora Baird): “You’re an idiot!” Mia: “Hey, that sounds familiar, too!” (Stan Helsing, 2009)

13.) [Captain Mandrake (Peter Sellers) wants Colonel Guano (Keenan Wynn) to shoot the lock off the soda machine for change to call the president] Guano: “Okay. I’m gonna get your money for you. But if you don’t get the president of the United States on the phone, you know what’s gonna happen to you?” Mandrake: “What?” Guano: “You’re gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.” (Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, 1964)

12.) [Aliens are shooting lasers and causing massive explosions and fires] Martian: “Don’t run. We are your friends.” (Mars Attacks!, 1996)

11.) Miss Walton (Shirley Jane Harris), to the ghost of a serial killer menacing her students: “If you want a fight, dammit, you’re going to get one!” (The Stay Awake, 1988)

10.) Erasmus (Vincent Price): “Answer me, monster, tell me truly! Shall I ever hold again the radiant maiden whom the angels call Lenore?” Dr. Bedlo (Peter Lorre) (a magician who’s been turned into a raven): “How the hell should I know?” (The Raven, 1963)

9.) David (Kiefer Sutherland), trying to turn Michael (Jason Patric) into a full-fledged vampire: “Join us, Michael. My blood is in your veins.” Michael: “So is mine!” (The Lost Boys, 1987)

8.) Hayley (Elliot Page, in his former life as a teenage girl) to Jeff (Patrick Wilson), who picked her up on the internet knowing she was underage: ” ‘She was so sexy. She was asking for it. Oh, she was only technically a girl, she acted like a woman.’ It’s just so easy to blame a kid, isn’t it? Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman does not mean she’s ready to do what a woman does.” (Hard Candy, 2005)

7.) [Wednesday (Christina Ricci) is walking down the hall with a knife] Morticia (Anjelica Huston): “Is that for your brother?” [Nods] “I don’t think so.” [Hands her a giant cleaver] (The Addams Family, 1991)

6.) Wednesday (Christina Ricci), speaking to a potential babysitter through a hand puppet: “Hello, Polly. I’ll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul.” [Rubs the puppet’s hands together menacingly] (Addams Family Values, 1993)

5.) Father Mayii (Leslie Nielsen), to possessed Nancy (Linda Blair), after he projectile vomits on her à la The Exorcist: “So…how do you like it?” (Repossessed, 1990)

4.) Dracula (Leslie Nielsen), about the bats in his castle: “Children of the night. What a mess they make.” (This is a play on Bela Lugosi’s line in Dracula: “Children of the night. What music they make.”) (Dracula: Dead and Loving It, 1995)

3.) Other Father (John Hodgman), explaining to Coraline why the Other version of her friend Wybie had his mouth sewn shut: “He pulled a looooong face…and Mother didn’t like it.” (Coraline, 2009)

2.) Narrator, English language dub (Dudley Moore): “To keep up his spirits, he began singing a dog marching song. [Starts to sing, then falls into a hole] He then decided to skip the whole thing.” (Koneko monogatari AKA The Adventures of Milo and Otis, 1986)

1.) Frederick (Vincent Price), to his wife: “Don’t sit up all night, thinking about ways to get rid of me. It makes wrinkles.” (House on Haunted Hill, 1959)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes. Any mis-quoting is my error.