GhoulieJoe

‘The Midnight Meat Train’: Exquisite and Eerie (review)

Leon (Bradley Cooper) is a photographer looking to capture the brutal heart of New York City. He gets more than he bargained for when he comes across Mahogany (Vinnie Jones), a serial killer who hunts his victims on the late-night subway (as suggested by the title). Leon, intrigued by Mahogany, tracks him, and finds out his dark secret, which involves taking the bodies to a meat plant where mysterious creatures eat them. And he’s not alone—Leon uncovers a city-wide conspiracy. Meanwhile, Mahogany knows that Leon knows, and will stop at nothing to make sure he keeps his mouth shut.

The first time I saw The Midnight Meat Train, I was very confused. First of all, the monsters are never fully explained. Then there’s the scene when Mahogany opens his shirt to reveal a bunch of weird growths on his chest, which he cuts off and saves in a jar. Therefore, I was relieved and excited that the DVD had commentary by Clive Barker, (the writer of the story the movie is based on), and director Ryûhei Kitamura. Unfortunately, those guys are less than helpful about clarifying what’s going on, for example Clive Barker’s explanation for the scene with the growths: “I don’t fucking know.” (He goes on to say the jar is a tribute to The Fly, and that mostly it just signifies that Mahogany is dying.) In addition, Barker’s voice is gravelly and rough, and Kitamura has a thick accent. He has an adequate grasp of English, but he talks like this: “It has much more bloody and gore stuff.” Thus, after listening to most of the commentary and even re-reading Barker’s novella, I was still mystified.

In terms of the deeper meaning of the film, a possible interpretation is that we have become desensitized to violence. But, as Leon’s girlfriend Maya (Leslie Bibb) points out, “There never were any good old days”—we have always lived in violent times. In fact, that Leon has to seek out violence implies that it’s not part of everyone’s day-to-day life anymore. You could see Leon as the quintessential civilized man who wants to get back in touch with his brutal roots.

The film is very gory. (I was amused that every time there was a super bloody scene, Barker would marvel at how beautifully it was filmed.) Case in point the scene when a character (Ted Raimi, who also plays a victim in Barker adaptation Candyman) is hit on the head with a sledgehammer and his eyes pop out on their stalks. There’s also a really creepy scene when the first victim is sitting on the train in the foreground. Mahogany is in the background, out of focus. He creeps up and hits her with a mallet, all while still out of focus.

There are a few changes from the story (book-Leon is an accountant for example), mostly in the addition of new characters, like Leon’s girlfriend Maya and their friend Jurgis (Roger Bart). But Barker approves, so that’s enough for me. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for social commentary along with gallons of blood.

‘The Messengers’: Meh

Directed by Danny and Oxide Chun Pang. Jess (Kristen Stewart) is a teenage girl getting a fresh start on a South Dakota farm with her family: little brother Ben, mother Denise (Penelope Ann Miller), and father Roy (Dylan McDermott). She’s at odds with her parents for an incident of drunk driving, so when she begins seeing (and being attacked by) ghosts, the ‘rents are less than willing to hear her out. But Jess has an ally in Ben, who also sees them, although he doesn’t talk. Together they have to figure out why the ghosts won’t leave them alone.

mess2 — “I don’t know where your hands have been…”

I experienced a lot of ups and downs watching the film; the things I liked were balanced out by the things I disliked. The pacing is somewhat slow in the beginning (after the opening scene of a family being murdered in the house), but it’s not boring. Most of the characters are fairly likable, despite Jess being a bit of a whiner—she’s super teen angst-y, given to exclaiming what feels like every five minutes, “You never listen to me!”

mess4 — This is the majority of the movie right here

But I couldn’t stand Denise from the very beginning, when she’s established as a worrier and overly critical of Jess, who has clearly learned her lesson. I also hated that the family lets a drifter that they just met (John Corbett) stay in the house.

The birds is coming, the birds is coming!

The movie has its creepy moments. Ben has that eerie little kid habit of staring into space—what are they looking at? Well, apparently it’s ghosts you can’t see. Since he doesn’t talk, Ben can see the ghosts but not notify anyone of what he’s seeing. When Denise asks him, “What does it look like?” he pulls his lower eyelids down and grimaces. However he doesn’t seem to be disturbed by the spirits, just interested. There’s even a scene when he’s laughing and chasing one, which is rather cute. In the end, I was disappointed by the ghosts and the movie in general. It’s certainly not the worst of its kind, but nor is it the best. Check it out if you’d like to see Kristen Stewart unaccompanied by sparkly vampires.

mess3 — Sunflowers?! Everyone knows corn is the creepiest crop.

Lucky McKee’s ‘May’: A Savage Look at Unrealistic Beauty Standards

May (Angela Bettis) is an extremely lonely young woman looking for that perfect somebody. She mourns the fact that people have “pretty parts, but no pretty wholes.” She meets Adam (Jeremy Sisto), who is initially interested, but soon creeped out by her, particularly when she bites him. She then tries to make a relationship with co-worker Polly (Anna Faris), who cheats on her, which finally sets May down the road to madness she’s been destined for.

While May gets extremely gory (for example when May cuts out her own eye) it’s certainly not mindless violence. What the film implies is that it’s pointless to try to find physical perfection. May is on a false trail. It’s the much more rational Adam and Polly who try to convince her that “Nobody’s perfect” and “It’s imperfections that make you special.” (Indeed, the unnaturalness of May’s desires is emphasized by continual allusions to Frankenstein—a man who tried to defy the natural law.) May, as often happens in society, reduces people to parts and takes the wholes for granted.

I didn’t enjoy May on my first viewing. I thought it was weird and disturbing—in a bad way. However upon subsequent viewings, I appreciate the brutality of the film, since people (particularly women) do brutal things because they can’t accept themselves for not being perfect. I recommend it to anyone, with specific emphasis on those who, like me, would enjoy watching Angela Bettis and Anna Faris make out.

‘Maximum Overdrive’ is Really…Gosh, I Love Emilio Estevez

A rogue comet causes motor vehicles and random electronic items to become sentient and murderous. A group of survivors band together at a truck stop to hold the machines off. However, diesel trucks keep coming, with an endless thirst for gas. (For some reason, the gas pumps are layabouts, while the meat slicers are more than happy to join the fun.) The group has an idea: if they can get to a boat (the boats are also lazy) they can escape to an area with no electricity. It’s a just a matter of temporarily outwitting the trucks.

max1 — “Bring me Spider-Man! I shall eat him first!”

It’s written and directed by Stephen King, which should be exciting, because so many adaptations of his stuff are just awful. Unfortunately (and ironically) this is one of the worst. This is from one of the phases of his career when he is now notorious for being seriously coked-up. I first saw this as a teenager, and hated it. As an adult I can see some good points, but not many. The soundtrack is good, if you like AC/DC. I appreciate the first scene, which shows the 50-car pileup of carnage that ensues when a bridge decides to malfunction; it emphasizes (much more elegantly than the rest of the movie) how much we depend on technology and what can go wrong from something so simple as a bridge opening suddenly. There’s also a kinda funny scene at a bank. “FUCK YOU,” reads the electronic ticker out front. Then a customer (King himself) comes to use the ATM, which insults him.

max5 — “This machine called me an asshole!”–actual quote

But such scenes are dwarfed by the rest of the terribleness. My least favorite scene (so many to choose from, hmm) is when a stereotypical Black man (a young Giancarlo Esposito) loots the game room of the truck stop. “Yo mama,” he says to a malfunctioning pinball machine. He’s then electrocuted by an arcade game on his way out. In addition there are annoyances like the trucks knowing Morse code and the truck stop owner just happening to have a stockpile of weapons, including a rocket launcher. The acting is okay; Emilio Estevez and Frankie Faison are always professionals. Yeardley Smith tends to overdo it, but I loves me some Lisa Simpson, so I forgive her. The worst performance is given by Ellen McElduff, who plays Wanda June the waitress. She has not one hissy fit, but two, cawing “We made you!” at the trucks. She finally meets the sweet release of death, prompting a little envy on my part.

I recommend it to hardcore King fans (the kind who would read his grocery list), and possibly Simpsons fans, but no other sane human being ought to be exposed to it.

‘The Masque of the Red Death’: Naughty, Campy, and Gory

One of Roger Corman’s numerous Edgar Allen Poe adaptations. Prince Prospero of the many funny hats (Vincent Price) is escaping the Red Death that’s ravaging his village by hiding in his castle. But first he kidnaps his subject Francesca (Jane Asher), as well as her husband Gino (David Weston) and father Ludovico (Nigel Green), in order to make the latter two fight gladiator-style for his amusement. Meanwhile, for no clearly defined reason, the writers throw in “Hop-Frog” (changed to Hop Toad), another of Poe’s stories: Alfredo (Patrick Magee) is cruel to dancer Esmeralda (Verina Greenlaw), a little person. Her admirer and fellow little person Hop Toad (Skip Martin) constructs an elaborate revenge scheme. Further meanwhile, Prospero is having a feast with the rest of the local nobility, who all happen to be satanists. They’re busy reveling and being the privileged jerks they are, unaware their uppance is a’comin’.

I’d say this is one of the more provocative of the Poe adaptations, especially for 1964. People are dying left and right, pledging themselves to the devil, acting like animals, making out, and setting each other on fire. There’s also a rather chilling scene when Prospero’s colleague Scarlatti (Paul Whitsun-Jones) comes rolling up to the castle, wanting to be let in. Prospero refuses because of the Red Death, and when the man offers him his wife (Jean Lodge) in return for sanctuary, Prospero states he’s already had her. He shoots Scarlatti with an arrow, saying sweetly, “For you, friend.” He then throws the wife a dagger and invites her to save herself from the plague. Of all the deplorable things Prospero does in the film, this one sticks with me the most.

masque3 — The pimp hat is a close second

There are decent performances by all, punctuated by a little overacting, mostly on the part of Hazel Court as Prospero’s consort. I was confused by the ending. Like any of Corman’s stuff based on Poe, it’s a little silly, a little melodramatic, and a lot awesome. Check it out if you’re in the mood for something dark yet corny.

‘House’ AKA ‘Hausu’ is Hilarious and Completely Unpredictable

*Sniff* This is a 2022 edit of my very, very first movie review. Not to be confused with the 1985 American movie of the same name; this is a Japanese movie from 1977. It revolves around seven schoolgirls (who sometimes dress similarly to Sailor Moon) off to spend their summer at a secluded house in the country. There’s Gorgeous (Kimiko Ikegami), who’s obsessed with her looks, Fantasy (Kumiko Ôba), who’s over-imaginative, Mac (Mieko Satô), who’s always hungry–her nickname is short for stomach, Sweet (Masayo Miyako), who likes to clean and be helpful, Kung Fu (Miki Jinbo), who likes to kick things, Melody (Eriko Tanaka), who plays the piano, and Prof (Ai Matsubara), who’s brainy and wears glasses. Jinkies! The gang has a mystery on their hands when they start disappearing and dying off. Could it be that Gorgeous’s friendly (yet sinister) auntie (Yôko Minamida) is behind it? *Note: some of the translations of names differ for this movie than from some other descriptions online–mine are copied from the subtitles of the edition I watched.)

Since the film was made in the 1970s, one can expect a certain degree of awfulness, and this one is no exception. The special effects are terrible and the sets are clearly paintings. Good thing this is a horror comedy. Despite the serious subject matter (such as Auntie’s husband dying in World War II and multiple on-screen killings) there are quite a few funny moments. For example, the girls’s hapless teacher Mr. Togo (Kiyohiko Ozaki) falls down a flight of stairs and gets a bucket stuck to his butt; while he’s calling the girls to say why he’s going to miss their train, a kid is standing behind him hitting the bucket with drumsticks. Which leads to my next observation: the wackiness. Much of the comic relief comes from the flat-out weirdness of what’s happening. Death comes in the form of random inanimate objects coming to life and pummeling people. One of my favorite scenes is when Gorgeous finds Mac’s severed head, which promptly bites Gorgeous on the ass, exclaiming, “Tasty!”

I spent much of the movie feeling confused, yet amused. It took me a while to figure out the parody aspect; “Cheesy!!!” my notes exclaim. Eventually I settled in, and was glad I took the ride. It’s hilarious and completely unpredictable. I recommend it to anyone who’s sick of formulaic slasher movies and Scooby Doo fans who wish that for once the gang would find a real ghost.

hau4 — She can’t quite put her finger on what’s wrong here

‘Rise: Blood Hunter’ is…well, Lucy Liu is Always Great

Sadie (Lucy Liu) is a reporter who decides it would be a swell idea to explore the sketchy neighborhood where a series of killings occurred, all by herself. (Though in her defense, no one knows they were committed by vampires.) Here’s my paraphrase of the scene when Sadie is on the phone with her colleague, who promised to come with her and bails while she’s driving over there:

Colleague: “So I’m totally not coming with you to the murder house after all.”

Sadie: “Well, I’m already on my way over there, so definitely no reason I shouldn’t go alone.”

Colleague: “Seems legit.”

Sadie: “I’ll be right back…”

To complete this mess, she clunks around in extremely impractical sandals, calling “Hello?” for no particular reason. So it’s no surprise when she wakes up dead in a morgue. Undead, whatever. In a wave of remorse and anger about being turned, she wages war on the creatures who spawned her, especially the head vampire, Bishop:

rbh4 — If you’ve seen James Darcy play Anthony Perkins in *Hitchcock*, you can’t un-see it

You get a pretty clear picture of the movie if you combine the self-loathing vampire-hunting of Blade mixed with the roaring rampages of revenge in Kill Bill and The Crow; make sure to add gratuitous nudity while subtracting gratuitous shots of feet and a few IQ points. Seriously, Sadie gets knocked unconscious an inordinate amount of times (I lost count at 3), and she’s gotta be getting concussions like nobody’s business.

rbh2 — The face of a woman too confounded by head injuries to notice she’s a vampire yet

The movie is quite a bit longer than it needs to be. The vampires aren’t even that hard to kill, so the runtime is padded with Sadie’s cop buddy, played by Ernie Hudson–sorry, Michael Chiklis. Liu brightens up the place, but she’s wasted in that she doesn’t get to do anything super cool and action-ish. I do appreciate the scene when she picks up a call girl and kisses her; but sadly, it’s part of a trap, and her heterosexuality is firmly established when she expresses a wish for a boyfriend who cooks.

rbh5 — I had difficulty finding a picture of that scene without nudity, which I’d prefer to avoid, so pretend Calista Flockhart is a different white lady

It’s made by Ghost House Pictures, it’s pretty painless, and it’s fairly entertaining. The plot is totally derivative, but if you’re a sucker (ha-HA, see what I did there?) for Lucy Liu, who rarely gets starring roles, you may enjoy it.

rbh — The director’s girlfriend–ahem, Carla Gugino, as Eve. She’s a lotta awesome–Gugino, not Eve.

‘Holiday Hell’ is Entertaining, but Far from a Masterpiece

A young lady named Amelia (Meagan Karimi-Naser) is looking for the perfect Christmas present for her sister. She pops into Nevertold, a store that sells oddities and curiosities. As the shop owner (Jeffrey Combs) tells her, every item he sells has a story behind it. I wrote a coming soon article about this movie a while ago, and again I can’t refrain from thinking about this Halloween episode of The Simpsons:

And as she considers various items, he proceeds to tell her the stories. Story one is “Dollface,” which follows a gaggle of teens on Valentine’s Day partying in a house that belongs to the children of two notorious killers. Segment two is “The Hand that Rocks the Dreidel,” a tale of Kevin (Forrest Campbell), a boy who on Hanukah is gifted with a golem (that looks more like a ventriloquist’s dummy) which is sworn to protect him. Number three is “Christmas Carnage,” in which a downtrodden pharmaceutical rep (Joel Murray) takes some of his own merchandise and does some bad things. The finale is “Room to Let,” Amelia’s own narrative about the origin of the ring she wears, which takes place on the winter solstice.

holiday-hell-lg — “This peacock was my great-grandfather.” “I say, that’s a fine how-do-you-do. And who’s that girl standing in the background?” “No clue. I suspect this is a publicity photo.”

The stories are liberally dosed with humor. Or at least I hope that’s on purpose. “Dollface” contains some of the dumbest underage drinkers you’re apt to see outside of a Friday the 13th movie. They spout dialogue like “Your hands are so soft. Literally, just like a baby panda,” and “You know you gotta be knee-high [referring to a blowjob] to get on this ride […] Yeeee-haw!” Not to mention the dumb blonde stereotype yelling “OMG!” every ten seconds. The only likable character is Julie (Cami Ottman), who can’t talk. At least with her mouth. She’s deaf, and uses sign language. She spends most of her time rolling her eyes and slapping a dude who gropes her. The ending is predictable if you’re paying attention. Actually, that goes for the whole movie. Some of the twists are clever, but for the most part you get what you expect.

HolidayHellDoll-600x325 — Only a strange noise in the closet can stop a horror movie teen in the midst of booty

It’s been compared to Creepshow, which is a fair assessment, at least as far as philosophy (not quality). Besides the anthology style, it has at heart the same basic themes as the corny EC comic books from the ‘50s, which included Tales from the Crypt and The Vault of Horror, that also influenced Creepshow. The villains are completely over the top. For example, story two; Kevin is being watched for the weekend by a babysitter (Amber Stonebraker) who plans to rob his entire house. When he finds out, she imprisons him in his room and tells him how easy it is to cut children, as well as how much she’d like to decapitate him.

If you’ve seen *Trilogy of Terror*, this oughta seem familiar, too

The acting isn’t terrible, but a lot of the time the performances feel not quite genuine, a little off. Combs and Murray are seasoned pros, but much of the cast and even the crew are pretty new to filmmaking.

holidayhellbanner — A big sharp knife? How mildly disconcerting.

As far as diversity goes, it’s quite white (of course, in the tradition of slashers, “Dollface” has a token Black couple), though Julie is a nice addition—her lack of hearing doesn’t advance the plot in any way, which is usually why filmmakers bother with differently-abled characters. There is one gay character, Mandy (Natasha Duvall)–the one who tries to come on to her friend with the baby panda line–but Sandy (the blonde) (Reza Leal-Smartt) reacts by crying OMG and calling her a dyke. It’s far from a sensitive portrayal of unrequited love, but at least Mandy isn’t portrayed as a predatory lesbian. Sandy aside, there are actually a couple of strong, intelligent female characters. Overall, I didn’t not enjoy it. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something fun and silly.

‘Unfriended: Dark Web’ is Definitely Better Than its Predecessor

Matias (Colin Woodell) has a fancy new computer, and the first thing he does is contact his girlfriend Amaya (Stephanie Nogueras) and show off the sign language app he got to help communicate better with her. She blows him off, so he engages in Skype game night with their friends, engaged couple Nari (Betty Gabriel) and Serena (Rebecca Rittenhouse)–and yes, they are adorable, DJ Lexx (Savira Windyani), paranoid activist A.J. (Connor Del Rio), and British guy Damon (he doesn’t have much character development aside from his country of origin) (Andrew Lees). Meanwhile, Matias finds out that the laptop he “bought on Craigslist” (actually stole from the lost and found box from work) belongs to Charon IV, a kidnapper and snuff filmmaker for hire on the dark web. Charon is not too keen about an interloper using his laptop, so he ensnares Matias and his friends in a deadly game.

It was written by Stephen Susco, who penned The Grudge, The Grudge 2, and the Lucky McKee-directed Red. This is his directorial debut, produced by Blumhouse. The filming is done entirely by webcam, as with the original movie, which I critiqued very grumpily here:

‘Unfriended’: Can I un-pay the money I spent to watch this? (Review)

I found myself liking this one almost right away. Possibly because they didn’t stick to the person-of-color-dies-first trope. Or because Betty Gabriel. Or the diverse characters, whose ethnicities include Black, Indonesian, and Puertorriqueña. I’m also impressed that Stephanie Nogueras, who plays Amaya, is deaf in real life; it’s rare that filmmakers actually bother hiring someone who is genuinely differently abled.

This one is less disturbing than the first in terms of methods of deaths (no hands in blenders), but I didn’t give a shit about the characters in the original, so in this one the deaths are actually more agonizing. There’s one scene when Matias is afraid of losing Amaya, and he’s frantically signing to her in his crappy ASL, and she can’t understand him, and it’s pretty intense. Also, the action is not supernatural, which, if you skipped the link I put up there, was much of the base of my animosity, because I feel that it’s very hard to make ghosts that use technology anything but ridiculous (except The Ring). This movie feels pretty realistic, actually, because of how topical it is (unlike The Ring). For example, one character gets SWATted–a SWAT team is called to his house after the killer uses recordings of his voice to make a terrorist threat.

Of course the first movie meant to do the same, and it does make some good points about cyber-bullying, but the effect is much diminished by the wackiness. GHOSTS DO NOT MAKE MEMES! Dark Web really hits home about what people are capable of online. Charon frames the main characters (*NOT a spoiler—obvi this killer isn’t dumb enough to lose such an important piece of equipment in a coffee shop) entirely by using their online activity against them. It’s an extreme case of identity theft. He also watches and records them, including an intimate scene between Nari and Serena from before they start the game night, when they discuss how to tell everyone they’re engaged and how their families feel about it.

Good horror makes you paranoid that what’s on the screen can happen to you–hence, it is scary. I am nowhere near concerned that a Facebook-savvy ghost is going to haunt me and my friends, but I might be moved to be a little warier about identity theft or the concept that it’s possible to watch people without their knowledge. (Then again, what I know about hacking into computers you could put in your pocket; it might all be bullshit.) Anywho, check it out if you’re in the mood for hi-tech hijinks, found footage style.

Top Ten Most Ridiculous “Sexy” Halloween Costumes

When you’re a kid, Halloween is all about the (literal) candy. When you’re an adult and can no longer trick-or-treat without facing severe social stigma for not having kids with you, it’s all about the (eye) candy. Women especially are encouraged to show off the goods, with costumes that vary from skimpy to WTF?! I’ve scoured the internet for the latter.

10. Buzz Lightyear

Nothing’s more alluring than a toy who thinks he’s real! If the costume designers are set on binding the woman’s arms to her body, I hope those wings are functional.

Image courtesy of forplaycatalog.com

9. Jason Voorhies

This one reminds me of the Halloween costumes of my youth, which were plastic smocks with the character’s face on them. I would love to see a foot race between this lady in those go-go boots and Jason, to see who’s faster.

Image courtesy of pinterest.com

8. Fake News

That dress looks extremely uncomfortable, even if it’s not actually made of newspaper. Interesting placement of the word “Fake.”

Image courtesy of themarysue.com

7. Poop Emoji

Why? Just…why?!?! If the intent of the sexy costume is to instigate arousal…I can’t even finish this sent—

Image courtesy of thispuglife.com

6. Lobster

Outside of a Yorgos Lanthimos movie, lobsters aren’t a desirable form to take. Though she can probably find something interesting to do with those giant fuzzy mitts.

Image courtesy of foodandwine.com

5. Mr. Rogers

Nothing like a beloved childrens’ icon wearing booty shorts. I can’t decide if this is creepier with or without the wig.

Image courtesy of scarymommy.com

4. Jellyfish

Nothing says sexy like a cold, gelatinous sea creature. With boobs for eyes.

Image courtesy of vox.com

3. Crayon

This model is clearly not enjoying impersonating a drawing tool. I don’t know which bothers me more, the off-center hat or the idea that making a short dress out of any random object qualifies it as arousing.

Image courtesy of halloweenboom.com

2. Beyond Burger

This gal looks like a Dr. Seuss character wearing a fringed potato sack. I’ve looked into the abyss, which is looking back at me–I’m complaining that a woman doesn’t look like a hamburger.

Image courtesy of eater.com

Gumball Machine

Words fail me.