GhoulieJoe

1995’s ‘Tales from the Hood’: Still Shocking, Creepy, and Anti-Racist

Horror anthology which is, as the title suggests, often set in the ‘hood. There are four segments with a wraparound story: three gangsters in a funeral home (Joe Torry, De’aundre Bonds, and Samuel Monroe Jr.) are being told about the corpses by the proprietor (Clarence Williams III). “Rogue Cop Revelation” concerns Clarence (Anthony Griffith), a rookie cop who stands idly by while idealistic Governor Moorhouse (Tom Wright) is beaten to death by cops, spurring Moorhouse to exact a ghostly revenge. “Boys Do Get Bruised” shows Walter (Brandon Hammond), a little boy with a monster in his house: his mother’s (Paula Jai Parker) abusive boyfriend (David Alan Grier). “KKK Comeuppance” deals with Duke (Corbin Bernsen), a southern contender for governor, who hates affirmative action and is a former Klan member. “Hardcore Convert” is about Jerome (Lamont Bentley), a pro at Black-on-Black violence; he’s given an option to get out of jail by Dr. Cushing (Rosalind Cash)–but it won’t be easy.

tales4 — These dolls are Duke’s comeuppance; yes, there were jokes online about sending them to Trump when he got elected

I remember loving this film when I was younger, and since it was produced by Spike Lee, I was expecting greatness. I was disappointed in some ways. It can be melodramatic, overacted, and populated by stereotypes of both white and Black characters, like the thuggish gang members who make statements like the conversation below, transcribed by IMDB:

Bulldog: Hey, wait a minute. You got your gat, man

Stack: Yeah, I got my shit.

Bulldog: Well if a dead mothafucka come fuckin’ wit you, you kill his ass. Ya understand me?

Stack: Yo hold up, Bulldog. How’m I supposed to kill somthin’ that’s already dead, man?

Bulldog: WHAT?

Stack: Yeah, how’m I supposed to kill somthin’ that’s already dead? That’s like killin’ some shit twice, man.

Ball: Yeah, like some refried beans ‘n some shit. Man, I never understood that, man. Why the FUCK you gonna refry some beans, man? Why not just fry that shit right the first time, and get out?

tales5 — Jesus, it’s heartbreaking how timely this image still is, almost 30 years after the movie was released

Those are mighty strikes against the movie, but it’s not without its charms. The violence is grotesque but inventive, like when Moorhouse, rising from the grave, finds a cop peeing on it; he grabs him by the penis and bashes his head on the tombstone. The whole film is an outcry against discrimination. It examines crooked white politicians, poverty, police brutality, and reviles the violence perpetrated against Black people in our society–by both Black and white. It can be a little heavy-handed (there’s also some Obama-esque shaming of Jerome for not busting himself out of being poor single-handedly–but mostly he’s being condemned for killing people), but often it’s very powerful, as in Dr. Cushing’s impassioned speech to Jerome. Which naturally I can’t find on YouTube. I can’t even find decent movie stills, garg! Here’s a portion, also from IMDB:

Dr. Cushing: What’s the matter, Jerome? You don’t like seeing black people get killed? But isn’t that what you’ve been doing all your life? You know, Jerome, Cain was the world’s first murderer. He slayed his brother. And how many brothers HAVE YOU SLAIN?

But a mere transcription can’t capture Cash’s delivery. If you haven’t seen the ding-dang movie, do yourself a favor.

tales7 — Look, it’s director Rusty Cundieff as Richard!

‘Tales from the Darkside: The Movie’: Darkly Funny and Surprisingly Gory

Rated R version of the ’80s TV show, divided into three segments. The wraparound story involves little Timmy (Matthew Lawrence), who’s trying to avoid being cooked for a dinner party by Betty (Debbie Harry) and is distracting her with tales. “Lot 249,” adapted from an Arthur Conan Doyle story, involves poor college student Bellingham (Steve Buscemi), who takes revenge on his wealthy tormentors with a mummy. “Cat from Hell,” adapted from a Stephen King story, deals with Halston (David Johansen), a hitman hired by an eccentric billionaire (William Hickey) to kill a cat that’s apparently murdering everyone in his household. “Lover’s Vow” shows Preston (James Remar), a starving artist who in the same night narrowly avoids being killed by a monster and falls in love with Carola (Rae Dawn Chong)—but the monster isn’t done with him yet.

One theme in the film, at least in “Lot 249” and “Cat from Hell” is that of rich people exploiting the poor—and paying for it. Bellingham is prompted to get revenge after the evil Lee (Robert Sedgwick) and Susan (Julianne Moore) screw him out of a scholarship (Lee wants to travel Europe and buy a Maserati instead) and his hard-won education by getting him expelled. The rich are also poked fun at, as Lee tries to fight the mummy with a tennis racket. They’re also really, really evil. Drogan in “Cat from Hell” is responsible for the deaths of 5,000 cats in testing his pharmaceutical products, which are expensive, addictive, and unhealthy—Halston compares him to a drug dealer. Though Halston has no room to point fingers, as his lifestyle is enhanced by killing people for a living. He’s enraged when he bleeds on his $100 shirt, and scoffs at Drogan’s cheap alcohol, preferring “nothing but the best.”

“Lover’s Vow” seems more to reflect on modern people not caring about each other (as Preston’s agent states, after hearing sirens, “I don’t want to know”) than the corruption of being rich; Preston eventually becomes wealthy, but he’s still a loving husband and father (he also comes by his money because he works hard and doesn’t give up on his dream of being an artist). The wraparound story seems to indicate that appearances aren’t what they seem; Betty is hailed by a minister, who shouts, “See you in the choir on Sunday!” and she greets her mailman by name. There’s an easy comparison to “Hansel and Gretel”; although Betty’s not a supernatural or hag-like being, she does have a broom strategically placed to equate her with a storybook witch.

As per usual for the early ‘90s, the makeup is amazing and the puppetry is terrible. The scene when the cat from hell latches itself onto Halston’s face reminds me of nothing so much as those old “Toonces the driving cat” sketches on Saturday Night Live, which, if you’ve never seen, I’ve included below–do yourself a favor and check it out.

There are some terrifically gory scenes; this is the first time I’ve ever seen the movie not edited for TV, and I was a bit taken aback by things like a human brain in a bowl of fruit. Not to mention the subject matter of a woman planning to eat a child; as Betty casually muses, “Evisceration takes at least an hour.”

I have loved the movie since I was a teenager. On the whole, I like the theme of the underdog winning, and the performances, and even the gore. Check it out if you’re in the mood for campy violence.

Dario Argento’s ‘Suspiria’: Still Scary After All These Years

sus2 — Look at that high angle shot and all that red! Uh oh!

Directed and co-written by Dario Argento, the king of Italian horror. Suzy (Jessica Harper) is an American boarding at a German dance school. On her arrival there, she runs into Pat (Eva Axén), a girl fleeing the building after being expelled; she disappears without even packing her things. After a series of crazy mishaps (like maggots raining from the ceiling and the resident pianist being killed by his service dog) she and her friend Sara (Stefania Casini) find that the school was founded by a witch. In fact it’s still run by witches, and they have a nasty habit of killing anyone who finds them out. When Sara disappears too, Suzy has to get away before she’s next.

Something that struck me right away is a possible gay subtext. Suzy’s teacher Miss Tanner (Alida Valli) very much resembles one of those clichéd predatory lesbian characters so popular in the ‘70s, with her short hair, husky voice, and the way she leers at Suzy. There could also be something going on between Pat and her friend; Pat is apparently being booted out for “improper conduct” and “questionable friendships.” In my opinion Pat’s friend is as distraught as a lover would be at Pat’s death. It’s also interesting that nothing happens between Suzy and Mark (Miguel Bosé) (pretty much the only guy at the school besides the late pianist), a possible love interest.

The movie is downright eerie, from the ancient directress of the school to the ominous score to the crazy shit going on—you never know what’ll happen next at that school, but it’s sure to be gory or disgusting. It’s pretty original, and well-written. My only gripe is that although it was filmed in English, it’s still dubbed—it cheapens the whole aesthetic.

I first saw this as a teenager with my horror movie buddy Leslie (also known as my sister). We thought it was dumb at the time. Back then I was a Wiccan, and offended by any depiction of a witch as evil. (I’ve yet to see an accurate Hollywood depiction of a witch, so I had a lot to be pissed about.) Since then, I’ve mellowed out and can enjoy the creepiness I was oblivious to before. It made #24 on Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments. Even the trailer is creepier than your average horror movie. Check it out if you’re in the mood for a classic.

‘Summer of Fear’: Do it for Linda Blair and Wes Craven!

Rachel (Linda Blair) is a teenage girl with a nice life: well-to-do, with a loving family and boyfriend (Jeff McCracken), and a cool best friend (Fran Drescher). Then her aunt and uncle die in a car accident, and her cousin Julia (Lee Purcell), whom no one has seen in ten years, comes to live with her. Julia decides she wants all of Rachel’s nice things—and she can get them, because she’s a witch. Rachel is the only one who realizes what’s happening, but since Julia has everyone under her spell, Rachel has to stop Julia on her own.

sum6 — The power of encyclopedias compels you!

Prepare to be annoyed at every turn. Rachel may be the protagonist, but she’s incredibly whiny and petulant (even before Julia gets there) and pretty much unlikable. Besides being a spoiled brat, she also has the irritating habit of starting sentences with “Did you know…” when she’s revealing information the other person couldn’t possibly know, as in, “Did you know I found a tooth in her suitcase?” If I had to sit down to dinner with Summer of Fear Linda Blair or The Exorcist Linda Blair, I’d be hard-pressed to decide. If we could avoid pea soup…

Unfortunately, the other characters aren’t much better. Julia is a stereotypical country bumpkin who spouts phrases like, “Is he yer solid feller?” and “You sure do have a lot of purty things.” Then there’s Rachel’s creepy dad (Jeff East), who seems to have an eye for Julia even before she works her magic on him, and Rachel’s creepy brother Tom (Jeremy Slate), who definitely had a crush on her beforehand. Plus it’s the ‘70s, so everyone has horrible, horrible hair. It does get quite melodramatic at times, especially toward the end, which is terrible. However, aside from all that, the plot makes a fair amount of sense, it has a neat twist, and the acting is decent.

As a teenager, I had read the book by Lois Duncan that it’s based on, and when I found out there was an adaptation directed by Wes Craven and starring Linda Blair, I was eager to see it. Since it’s made-for-TV and pretty old, I had given up hope of finding it. But Netflix had it (on disc). Upon editing this in 2020, I found it’s been released on Blu-Ray. Check it out, if you dare!

1974’s ‘Sugar Hill’: Blaxploitation by Way of American International Pictures

Not to be confused with the Wesley Snipes movie of the same name. Sugar (Marki Bey) is a fine sister madly in love with her man Langston (Larry Don Johnson), owner of a popular nightclub. Morgan—The Man—(Robert Quarry) wants to buy it, and when Langston refuses, Morgan orders his gang of thugs to beat Langston to death. Sugar is inconsolable, and decides to kill them all. With the help of voodoo god Baron Samedi (Don Pedro Colley), they raise an army of zombies to exact systematic revenge on Morgan and his lackeys.

I first heard of Sugar Hill while watching The 50 Worst Movies Ever Made. The trailer didn’t arouse my curiosity so much as the tagline: “Meet Sugar Hill and her zombie hitmen.” I have to disagree with its placement in Worst Movies—I enjoyed it quite a bit. It’s cheesy and melodramatic, no doubt, but not painfully so. Of course it has corny 1970s touches, like characters saying “dynamite” and “I can dig it.” The dialogue as a whole is a little rough on the ears; when no one is spouting racial slurs or clichés, they’re saying things like, “It’s the whole setup I don’t like! I don’t like the whole setup!”

Overall though, I found a lot to like. Sugar is a tough, likable character. The acting could be better, but it’s passable. My favorite performances were by the zombies; they’re pretty creepy with their cobwebby faces and bulbous glassy fish eyes. The special effects as a whole are pretty good.

On the whole, the racism is kept to a minimum (for the time period), it’s highly entertaining, often amusing, and even a little eerie. Check it out if you’re in the mood for a badass woman sticking it to The Man—with the undead.

‘Stupid Teenagers Must Die!’: Unfunny “Spoofs” of Slasher Movies Must Die!

It’s the 1980s, and a group of naughty teenagers are going to have a séance in ol’ Murder McGee’s house. There’s Final Girl Julie (Ashley Schneider), her boyfriend Kane the Token Black Guy (Jovan Meredith), gay couple Jamie (Christina DeRosa) and Sissy (Jamie Carson), Tough Guy Alfie (Devin Marble), Popular Girl Tiffany (Lindsay Gareth), Nerdy Guy Ryan (Will Deutsch), Weird Girl Madeline (Renee Dorian), and Geek 1 (Corey Assink) and Geek 2 (Jonathan Brett). The funlovin’ teens raise the spirit of McGee, as well as his entire murdered family, who get possession-happy. Their only defense is the Geeks’ homemade amulets. Can they stop being stupid and get out alive?

Judging by the title, it sounds like a funny spoof. Wrong on both counts. While it uses some horror movie conventions (as the tagline states, “Excessive violence, gratuitous nudity, zero budget”) like the doomed teenagers, the haunted house, the victims being picked off one by one, and the archetypal characters, in many aspects I feel the filmmakers just get parodying ’80s slashers wrong. The inclusion of the gay couple puzzles me. I have no problem with them, it would have been amazing if such characters would have been possible in the ’80s and that they would have been so warmly accepted by their friends, but that’s not the case. Furthermore, they’re heavily exploited by having no motivation besides grabbing on each other and moaning.

Aside from some of the costumes and music, the lack of cell phones, and a passing reference to the Atari, the movie doesn’t seem like the 1980s. Which would be forgivable if it were funny, but it’s just not. It might have been okay if it weren’t trying to be a parody—it could have just been another forgettable low-budget crapfest. Instead it’s a badly written, badly acted (the actors flub their lines regularly), wannabe spoof that feels like it was so awful the filmmakers tried to save face by throwing in the parody factor at the last minute.

Hardcore horror fans, stay away because you’ll be offended by the ineptitude. Fledgling horror fans, beware as well; horror movies aren’t all like this. It’s not campy, or so bad that it’s funny. It’s just bad. Check it out if you’re in the mood to be frustrated.

stu3 — Aw, I’m so mean–they look like they’re having a good time

2004’s The Stepford Wives: Riddled with Plot Holes, but Still Pretty Socially Relevant

Harried television executive Joanna (Nicole Kidman) moves to a Connecticut suburb with her husband Walter (Matthew Broderick) and their two children. Once there, she finds the women a little…strange. They’re happy, they love to cook and clean, and they’re just a little personality-deficient. When her new friends Roger (Roger Bart) and Bobbie (Bette Midler) surrender to the town’s wacky ways, she gets frantic to escape—and finds she can’t.

I discovered Ira Levin’s novel and the original film adaptation of the book as a teenager, and I loved them both. When the remake came out, I was filled with the indignant fury that comes with hating change, but I still went to see it in the theatre. I hated it. With time, I’ve come to respect it more. It was written by Paul Rudnick, who did Addams Family Values and Jeffrey, one of the few romantic comedies I can stomach (because it’s about two guys). I appreciate the contemporizing of the movie. Joanna is not a housewife with one hobby as in the original, but a career woman who makes a lot more than her husband, which threatens him; as he says later, she is better than him at everything. She’s also taller than him–Kidman is 5’11”, while Broderick is 5’8″. Kidman even gets top billing. The fact that a movie about women being used like puppets is directed by Frank Oz is a delicious irony.

While I like the movie a little more every time I see it, it still gets on my nerves big-time. Most of the jokes are corny, and it baffles me why a gay guy would want to write a movie so concerned with lampooning gender roles but include a terrifically stereotypical gay couple. It’s also ironic that the movie glosses over completely the subject of racism that the book, written in the mid-1970s, acknowledges, when the neighborhood is surprised at a Black family moving in. I enjoy Bette Midler, but maybe Bobbie could have been a person of color instead.

step3 — Making Joanna super, super white is not sufficient commentary on racism

What gets to me the most about the movie is the plot holes. In the source material, the women are replaced completely by robots and presumably killed. In the remake the robot body idea was kept, but the women have nanochips installed in their brain. The nanochips also somehow give the wives the ability to grow their breasts at their husbands’ whim and dispense money like an ATM machine. Also, why is there a “nanoreversal” option? I also wonder who does the “improved” womens’ hair and picks their wardrobe.

step2 — That’s putting your money where your mouth is! Waka waka!

The cast, which includes Christopher Walken, Glenn Close, and Faith Hill, is enjoyable. There are occasional funny moments, like the exchange between Bobbie and her husband Dave (Jon Lovitz): Dave: “Did you finish the laundry?” Bobbie: “No, I finished a chapter.” Dave: “Did you make the sandwiches?” Bobbie: “Did you?” I also find Joanna and Walter’s smart house amusing, as it keeps track of everything: “We need juice. We need juice. We need juice.” I like the score, with its “eerie waltz” and “suspenseful theme.” Overall, I enjoy the film in small doses. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something lighthearted and goofy with lots of purty colors.

step5 — Aw, at least they sorta tried to incorporate diversity with mute extras

1987s’ ‘The Stepfather’: A Twisted Take on Suburbia and “Father Knows Best”

Jerry (Terry O’Quinn) is a nice guy who’s all about family values. He’s a genial real estate agent, a fun neighbor, and a loving husband and stepfather. He’s also a serial killer who likes to marry into families and murder all of the members. His latest soon-to-be victims are Susan (Shelley Hack) and her daughter Stephanie (Jill Schoelen), who’s having trouble adjusting to the marriage. She sees through his façade of nicety and suspects he’s the killer she’s been reading about in the paper. Jerry realizes it’s time to move on—but he has some baggage to get rid of first.

Terry O’Quinn gives a brilliant performance as Jerry: his smarm, his rages, his blank-eyed calm after he murders someone. He’s just creepy. As is the first scene, set in an idyllic suburban neighborhood, paperboy and all. Jerry changes his appearance by shaving off his beard and cutting his hair, then walks to the blood-spattered living room, where his slaughtered family lies. He pauses to pick up a pillow off the floor, then leaves whistling. This film made #70 on Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments for the scene when Stephanie witnesses Jerry flipping out in the basement; upon seeing her, he seamlessly collects himself. What’s most unsettling about the movie is its emphasis that appearances are deceiving, and that strangers can’t be trusted—Susan and Stephanie’s home is invaded by someone who lives there.

I had been aware of The Stepfather for years but avoided it because I was under the impression it was just a cheesy slasher movie. After deciding I wanted to see everything featured on Scariest Movie Moments, I grudgingly sat down to watch it. And I loved it. It’s not bad for a sequel-spawner. If you haven’t seen it, it’s worth a look.

1994’s ‘The Stand’: Dated and Super Long, but Mildly Entertaining

A human-made plague that is accidentally loosed wipes out about 99% of the population. Guided by dreams of either a saintly old woman named Mother Abigail (Ruby Dee) or a scary guy named Flagg (Jamey Sheridan), the good survivors head to Colorado, and the bad ones go to Nevada. There’s a sizable cast of characters, but the highlights include Texas good ol’ boy Stu (Gary Sinise), his pregnant girlfriend Franny (Molly Ringwald), former pop star Larry (Adam Storke), deaf/mute Nick (Rob Lowe), professor Glen (Ray Walston), good ol’ boy # 2 Ralph (Peter Van Norden), and intellectually disabled, awesome Tom (Bill Fagerbakke). On the bad side there’s head guy Lloyd (Miguel Ferrer), offensive Black stereotype Rat Man (Rick Aviles), and lunatic Trashcan Man (Matt Frewer). It all boils down to an epic battle between God and Satan, with humans as pawns in their chess game.

It’s a made-for-TV movie from 1994, so it looks cheap and the special effects are godawful. The adult situations more prevalent in the book are easily edited, so the jump to primetime television is actually a smooth one. The teleplay is penned by King, so it’s quite faithful to the book; there are some changes, mostly weeding out characters due to time constraints—and I am glad for them. I certainly don’t miss The Kid, who for some reason makes Trashcan Man give him a hand-job, or Rita the whiny granny.

The Stand used to be one of my favorite Stephen King adaptations, but it just gets cheesier every time I watch it, from Larry’s crappy hit single to the giant hand that shows up to save the day. My biggest gripe is the lack of diversity—aside from the occasional mute extra, the majority of people are white, with a few Black people. But even that’s a slight improvement from the book; they upped the level of social awareness a tad by making a male character, Ray Flowers, a woman (cameo by Kathy Bates), and they made a white character, the Judge (Ossie Davis), Black. BUT they did heter-ize a character who was bisexual in the book, Dayna. BUT don’t get me started on Dayna; this is a link to an article I wrote for horrornovelreviews on the depiction of gay and bisexual characters in King’s works. So, eh. As I’m editing this in 2020, I did come across casting information for a remake from this year–they’re upping the ante by making Larry Black. Good on them. I also see no Rat Man in the credits, cheers. One can only hope that in 2020 they see fit to include more LGBTQ characters.

Aside from my griping, I feel some things are done well. Though there are quite a few characters, it’s fairly easy to tell them apart—unless you wander in ¾ of the way through the movie like my friend Hope did. I had to explain over and over who was who and what was going on. The acting is decent, though Molly Ringwald gets on my nerves with her one expression of wide-eyed surprise.

stand3 — Okay, she has two expressions: wide-eyed surprise and wide-eyed disgust

Also, as corny as the movie gets, it still conveys a powerful message: the planet is fucked up, and our possessions and nuclear weapons won’t save us. The solution posed by the movie is that we need to start all over, stop polluting, and stop acting like jerks to each other.

While it’s not one of King’s eerier efforts, horror fans should still be pleased. King himself has a small role, as does Shawnee Smith. There are cameos by director Mick Garris, John Landis, Sam Raimi (the latter two playing dim-witted henchmen), and John Bloom, AKA Joe Bob Briggs. There is one scene I find a little creepy—the camera pans over a plethora of dead scientists while “Don’t Fear the Reaper” plays. Otherwise most of the attempts at scares come from Flagg turning into a circa-1994 CGI demon. Check it out if you’ve got six hours to kill.

‘Stan Helsing’: Immature but Amusing

Stan (Steve Howey) is a video store clerk who on Halloween night gets roped into making a delivery to the owner’s mother with his ex-girlfriend Nadine (Diora Baird), his friend Teddy (Kenan Thompson), and Teddy’s date Mia (Desi Lydic). Despite Stan’s philosophy of not getting involved in other peoples’ problems, his friends are forced to when they run out of gas at Stormy Night Estates, a cursed place that used to be a film studio. Good thing Stan is a relative of Van Helsing (despite the fact that there isn’t a single vampire in the movie), because he and his friends now get to fight knockoffs of Freddy Krueger, Jason, Leatherface, Chucky, Pinhead, and Michael Myers.

One striking thing about the movie is parody while not totally committing to the gag. It’s kinda funny that “Fweddy” (Freddy) has a Flavor Flav clock and a Charlie Brown shirt, while “Needlehead” has a cranium stuffed with push pins and darts. The counterfeits get a little old after a while, though, with Stan working at “Schlockbuster” and the monsters singing a revamped version of “YMCA.”

Often the jokes are potty-inspired, with no less than four scenes taking place in a bathroom. Or they revolve around breasts. The majority of the shots are at medium level, emphasizing cleavage.

The film tends to be pretty sexist, with the ladies (especially Mia, a former stripper) wearing skimpy costumes throughout and being constantly objectified. Mia seems to have no purpose otherwise. Nadine is a fairly strong character, but it’s Stan who does much of the fighting. Teddy as the Token Black Guy fares a little better; he’s often the voice of reason and has a lot of screen time and funny lines.

stan4 — Put them in a toilet stall and this is pretty much the whole movie

I did find some moments amusing, for example Schlockbuster’s section for “Returns of The Ring Only”—people collapse upon returning it. There’s also a pretty funny bit with the guard at the Estates fielding horror-movie-related phone calls like a chainsaw malfunctioning. My favorite bit of dialogue: [A crow caws] “Nevermore!” Mia: “That sounds familiar.” Nadine: “You’re an idiot!” Mia: “Hey, that sounds familiar, too!” If you’re in the mood for boobs and cheap but occasionally funny jokes (who isn’t?!), check this one out.

stan3 — Yes, that is Leslie Nielsen playing a waitress