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‘Night Train to Terror’: Without Hyperbole, One of the Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen

God (Ferdy Mayne) and Satan (Tony Giorgio) are on a train, debating over the souls of three people: Harry (John Phillip Law), who winds up in a mental hospital where the doctors use him in their plot to harvest and sell body parts; Gretta (Marideth Haze), a struggling musician who makes pornographic movies for Youngmeyer (J. Martin Seller), who refuses to let her leave him for her true love, the saintly Glenn (Rick Barnes); Claire (Faith Clift), a surgeon whose husband James (Richard Moll) catches the attention of demon Olivier (Robert Bristol) after writing a book that claims God is dead. As the stories unfold, the characters’ souls are up in the air until the train crashes and final decisions are made.

train3 — Yes, that is a giant stop-motion bug. Just gonna leave that here.

I first saw Night Train to Terror after my well-meaning girlfriend at the time bought me a box set of horror movies. (A nice idea—too bad they’re all terrible.) It embodies all of the nasty clichés that give horror movies a bad name (and it’s not even a slasher): no plot, gratuitous nudity and violence (like the scene when a guy’s face blows up for no particular reason), the Token Black Guy who dies first, and painfully bad acting. You can add to that low budget, bad editing, bad special effects, and bad dialogue. Not to mention the rock band on the train, complete with backup dancers and mist, that keeps singing their aggravating song over and over:

Granted, the filmmakers try to make their audience consider the nature of good and evil, but it’s difficult to take it seriously when characters say things like, “What can I do for you, Mr. Satan?” And “I’m still burning with revenge.” (I think there’s a cream for that). But my favorite horrible thing is Youngmeyer’s group of dastardly friends, who get together to tempt death. (They call themselves The Death Club, showing they’re just as unimaginative as they are crazy.) There’s a guy who’s supposed to be Russian, but sounds just like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Even the actors don’t wanna be here:

Ultimately, this movie’s only redeeming quality is that it’s so awful it’s funny. Truly, words cannot describe it—you have to see this movie to believe it.

‘Night of the Living Dead’ 1990: Do it for Barbara! And Tony Todd!

night5 — Tony Todd two years before *Candyman*. His talent really is wasted with the crap he usually does.

Remake of George A. Romero’s 1968 film, this time in color with a contemporary twist or two. Makeup man Tom Savini takes the director’s seat, with Romero writing the screenplay. It keeps the same basic plot and characters: a band of humans with higher than average survival skills board themselves up in a farmhouse (unfortunately right next to the cemetery) and fight off zombies.

There are very few innovations in the movie. It was made in 1990, so the shock value of a Black man telling a white man who’s boss and a small child killing her mother with a trowel is lessened quite a bit. It’s not gorier; there’s also less nudity than the original (but more swearing). The special effects aren’t better. Even some of the dialogue, like “They’re coming to get you, Barbara” and “They’re dead, they’re…all messed up” is retained. (A new line that never ceases to amuse yet annoy me is uttered by Ben (Tony Todd), trying to keep the zombies out: “Die…damn it.”)

night4 — They’re coming to grope you, Barbara!

Some of the deaths are reworked and altered, but the most significant update is Barbara (Patricia Tallman). Far from being catatonic and helpless, as in the original, she becomes an ass-kicking machine, Madame Rambo of the zombie brigade. *Spoiler alert* she actually lives to the end of the movie. Even if you dislike remakes, it’s in competent hands, and Barbara’s transformation alone is well worth the watch. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for a (relatively) modern take on Romero’s vision of zombies.

‘Motel Hell’: Wacky and Fun

Down at the Motel Hello (the o being burned out, hence the title), Farmer Vincent (Rory Calhoun) and his sister Ida (Nancy Parsons) make sausage. They also kidnap travelers, plant them in the ground, and later grind them up for said sausage. After all, “It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters.” Things are complicated when Vincent encounters a biker couple; he kills the man and decides to keep the woman—Terry—(Nina Axelrod) around. Terry falls in love with Vincent and plans to marry him, despite the warnings of Vincent and Ida’s brother Bruce (Paul Linke), who is infatuated with her. Terry, who was once all too eager to learn the family recipe for sausage, finds out the terrible truth and has to run for her life.

I first saw this as a teenager on the TV show Monstervision. It was hosted by John Bloom, AKA Joe Bob Briggs, and usually consisted of a laughably bad movie interspersed with snide comments and trivia by Briggs. So I re-watched the movie recently expecting it to be terrible but fun. It was fun, but not bad. It’s actually a fairly funny movie (though at times it gets a bit over the top, for example a scene with a pair of sadomasochistic swingers). I couldn’t help but snicker at dialogue like, “We’re gonna teach you the finer points of meat smoking.” I also enjoyed the scene when one of Vincent and Ida’s victims states, “We better find a place to crash” before they promptly crash. I watched this last with subtitles on, which hilariously illustrate the sound effects: “Distant guttural flittering,” “Flitter-howl continues,” “Glahrlgh!”

MSDMOHE EC002 — “Sometimes I wonder about the karmic implications of these actions.”–actual quote

The most interesting thing about the movie is that Vincent and Ida are stereotypical rednecks in some senses, but in addition they’re rather likable. They don’t see what they’re doing as wrong; they see themselves as farmers making people happy with their delicious meats. They’re kind to their victims as much as possible, feeding them regularly and hypnotizing them before death to minimize suffering. Ironically Bruce comes out as the hero, even though he’s a selfish jerk who at one point tries to force himself on Terry. Meanwhile, Vincent is a gentleman, who insists on proposing to her before sexual relations.

I do question Terry’s trusting nature; Vincent claims that he buried Terry’s boyfriend, and though she is upset she readily accepts it. I also wonder why she’s staying with Vincent and Ida—her boyfriend’s dying doesn’t make her an orphan! All in all, it’s a decent watch. Give it at least a passing glance, especially if you’re a vegetarian.

hell4 — Look! It’s John Ratzenberger! He’s gonna be lotsa burgers!

1987’s ‘The Monster Squad’ Withstands the Test of Time

In the late 1800s, Van Helsing and pals try to kill all of Universal Studio’s lineup: Dracula (Duncan Regehr), Frankenstein’s monster (Tom Noonan), the Mummy (Michael Reid MacKay), the Wolfman (Carl Thibault), and Gillman (the Creature from the Black Lagoon) (Tom Woodruff Jr.). “They blew it.” So 100 years later, the task is left to the Monster Club: leader Sean (Andre Gower), who happens to have Van Helsing’s diary, sidekick Patrick (Robby Kiger), Goonies-style “fat kid” Horace (Brent Chalem), tough guy Rudy (Ryan Lambert), little Eugene (Michael Faustino), and Sean’s five-year-old sister Phoebe (Ashley Bank). Eventually they find out that Dracula is after an amulet that, if destroyed, will allow evil forces to rule the world. The club teams up with Patrick’s teenage sister (a virgin is needed to read an incantation) (Mary Ellen Trainor) and Scary German Guy (who’s not really so scary—he gives them pie) (Leonardo Cimino) to translate the diary and send Dracula and his buddies into a portal forever.

Sound complicated? It is, for a family movie. I hadn’t seen this in a good fifteen years or so and was scrambling to keep up in my notes. Speaking of which, though it has some young characters, it is PG-13. There are some potentially scary moments for wee ones, for example the opening sequence, which has some creepy shots of Dracula. There is also a fair amount of bad language, uttered mostly by the children, including asshole, shit, goddamn, son of a bitch, and Jesus Christ; even Phoebe uses the word chickenshit. The most offensive in my opinion is faggot, though that is spoken by a bully who shortly after gets his comeuppance. Some questionable behavior is also displayed: Rudy smokes, drinks beer, and ogles a teenage girl undressing in front of a window. Then there’s the premise of kids killing people, albeit monstrous ones. In addition, Horace kicks the Wolf man in the crotch, discovering that “Wolfman’s got nards.” Horace is pretty great.

“My name is Horace.”

That said, I saw the movie fairly young and was unaffected. I remembered it fondly, and upon watching it as an adult, I still love it. Though it can be corny (the Army shows up at the end looking for Eugene, who sent them a sloppily written, incorrectly addressed letter for help), and Frankenstein’s friendship with Phoebe can be a little cloying, these moments are few and far between. The film harks back to the olden days of monster movies, when Universal ruled and unbelieving adults were always telling young people they were crazy, or as Sean’s dad Del (Stephen Macht) says, “Science is real. Monsters are not.” It also pokes fun at holiday-themed slasher movies, with Sean dying to see Groundhog Day: Part XII. Del tries to dissuade him: “Sean, he always returns from the grave. If they blew him up, put his head in a blender, and sent the rest of the pieces to Norway, he would still return from the grave.” Sean: “That was Part VII.”

Overall, it’s funnier than it is cheesy or sappy. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something cute and retro. Don’t be surprised if you start craving a Pepsi or a Whopper.

squad3 — They do go a bit overboard with the product placement

Troma’s ‘Monster in the Closet’: A Mid-’80s Examination of Homophobia, or an Example?

Brought to you by the Troma Team. Richard (Donald Grant) is an obituary writer for a local newspaper. He has a chance to move up in the world when a rash of murders spreads, leaving victims dead in their closets. With the help of college biology teacher Diane (Denise DuBarry), her genius son Professor (a teeny-tiny Paul Walker), Diane’s mentor Dr. Pennyworth (Henry Gibson), priest Martin (Howard Duff), and military man General Turnbull (Donald Moffat), they discover the killer is a big brown lumpy monster. The gang must destroy it before it kills again.

It’s meant to be a horror/comedy genre-crosser. It does have its amusing moments. I enjoy the scene when suspense is played for laughs: a woman is being snuck up on in the shower Psycho-style—but it’s only her husband, who keeps bothering her. The title cards are kinda funny; my favorite being “Three fifteen-ish.” Also funny—in a bittersweet way, now that he has died—is watching Paul Walker as Professor play against the kind of roles he was known for.

I can’t really say there are any actual scary moments. I can recall watching the first few minutes as a kid and being too scared to watch the rest, but there is nothing particularly eerie to me now. The monster is clearly made of rubber—it seems to be a callback to old sci-fi movies, as the film directly references The Thing from Outer Space. It even includes the typical ’50s triangle between the monster, science, and the military—science fails, of course.

One interesting aspect of the film is its possible interpretation of a gay subtext. The monster itself is almost certainly gay, or at least in love with Richard—it gives him the same wistful doe-eyed look Diane does, then carries him off. The movie posters, which scream “It’s out! It’s out! It’s out!” would seem to agree with me. The film could be seen as a neat allegory with the monster representing homophobia and self-hating gay people: the only way to destroy it (after science, religion, and the military fail) is to destroy all closets. Sure, the heterosexual couple save the day, but they at least challenge gender role stereotypes. Richard is the sassy reporter, while Diane is the brains, and her son is the less-than-overly-masculine genius. Or you can interpret the monster as a grotesque caricature of gay dudes, with that gaping mouth and six-pack. I’m also disturbed that he looks an awful lot like poo.

All in all, it’s entertaining, sometimes funny, and delightfully campy. Give it a look if you’re in the mood to turn off your brain. Watch for a very young Fergie as a meal for the monster—she’s Fergalicious, indeed.

‘Monster Dog’: So Bad It’s Good! Just Kidding, It’s Hilariously Bad

Alice Cooper is Vince, a rock star (yeah he’s really stretching as an actor here), heading back to his hometown with a film crew: his girlfriend Sandra (Victoria Vera), camera guys Jordan (Emilio Linder) and Frank (Carlos Santurio), makeup artist Angela (Carole James), and actress Marilou (Pepa Sarsa) to shoot his new music video. The locals are less than happy to see him (there have been a series of gory murders, and Vince’s father was apparently a werewolf). Before long, a small group of assassins show up to take care of Vince the way they did his daddy. On top of that, there are some angry dogs, and (as the title suggests) a monster dog. Jinkies, can the gang survive to make another corny music video?

I haven’t laughed so hard at a movie since The Invention of Lying. The special effects are terrible (like a victim that clearly has a head made of papier-mâché), and the acting is horrible (even Alice seems to have lost his ability to act—though he does a good steely-eyed glare). The characters besides Vince and Sandra have no personality outside of serving Vince and agreeing with each other. When the dialogue isn’t stilted and unnatural (“We’re in danger here”; “We mustn’t leave her alone”), it’s corny and clichéd, like the dialogue spoken by the leader of the kill-Vince brigade, who closely resembles a villain from a bad Western: “This here bullet is the one that’s gonna pierce Vince Roberts’s heart.” I kid you not, he actually says, “real friendly-like.” Then there’s the scene with a pack of snarling German Shepherds with one happy Schnauzer—sure it’s a standard and not a toy Schnauzer, but it’s just not threatening. Plot holes abound, for example why does “the hottest rock and roll star in the world” have to drive his own (tiny) film crew around, and why is his girlfriend a technician and not a supermodel? (Not that I have a problem with technicians—it’s just that that’s not the way musicians mate.)

I first watched this movie with my sister Leslie, specifically because we’re both big Alice Cooper fans. I recently watched it with my brother Jeremy, also a fan. My humble opinion is that since the songs are the only bright spot of the movie, Monster Dog should only be watched by Cooper fans (although the film was made in Spain, then dubbed in English, and he didn’t even do his own dubbing for his speaking voice [thank you, IMDB]), so basically it’s only worth watching to see his cute little circa-1984 ass in leather pants:

‘Marronnier’: Compelling, Creepy, and Campy

Japanese movie, based on the manga by Junji Ito. Marino (Mayu) is a young woman who’s “hooked on dolls,” particularly those made by famous doll maker Iwata (Ochyazukenori). Her passion is ultimately detrimental, as Iwata’s loony assistant Numai (Hiroto Nakayama) becomes fixated on her. He eventually kidnaps her and reveals Iwata’s secret: the dolls are actually real women, sealed in wax. Marino is trapped—her only hope for rescue is her brother Kurataro (Hideyuki Kobayashi) and her best friend Mitsuba (Misao Inagaki, who also illustrates horror manga).

What strikes me most about the film is that it can be really silly, yet also violent and disturbing. It’s low-budget, so the special effects are laughable in most cases, yet scenes like a woman getting her hand sawn off with wire look pretty realistic. The dichotomy of goofy/gory is best illustrated by a subplot about two womanizing guys, Ichijyo (Haruna Hoshino) and Tetsuji (Tetsuya Shibata). One is given to slapstick, like when a girl he tries to get with hits him and he falls over. But the other is killed by Numai, and his corpse is carried off by a girl he slept with and forgot about.

One theme in the movie is that of women being equated with dolls. Most of the men shown seem to want a submissive, inanimate object rather than a woman. Iwata was completely disinterested in his wife until he turned her into a doll. Numai treats Marino like a mannequin, dressing her and saying he can make her “eternally beautiful.”

The most interesting character is Mitsuba. She’s loyal and brave and wants to protect Marino, who’s basically useless for most of the movie. She also seems to be gay. During a scene when Marino falls asleep, Mitsuba touches her lips and almost kisses her. Then there’s the scene when they visit a dressmaker, and the two dress as bride and groom. I find Mitsuba stronger and more compelling than Marino, and I wish she were the main character instead.

My main gripe is that the film is subtitled, but the captions are a bit slower than the dialogue, leaving me hanging on the actors’ every word while I waited for translation. But overall, the acting isn’t terrible, and it’s pretty original. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something creepy and different.

Couldn’t find a trailer, so here’s a video about Junji Ito adaptations

Takashi Shimizu’s ‘Marebito’: Vampires, Kinda, and also Social Commentary

Japanese movie, whose title Google Translate assures me means “rare”. Masuoka (Shin’ya Tsukamoto) is a cameraman who feels disconnected from daily life. After filming a stranger committing suicide by stabbing himself in the eye, Masuoka longs to see what the man saw, thinking that his terror opened him up to seeing “things both strange and mysterious.” Indeed, he discovers an underground netherworld, where he finds a young woman naked and chained to a rock (Tomomi Miyashita). He takes her home with him, names her F, and starts filming her every move. She acts like she was raised by wolves, and he realizes she’s never seen a human before. He’s puzzled when she won’t eat, until he discovers she drinks blood. Then, like Seymour in Little Shop of Horrors, he must go to great lengths to keep her fed.

mare1 — Did I mention she drinks out of a bottle?

Masuoka is an interesting character. He’s been desensitized to violence, presumably because he is so constantly a voyeur. He’s completely undisturbed by watching a guy kill himself. As he thinks, “The image on TV is more realistic.” He’s numb, and no amount of Prozac is going to help him. He’s a peeping tom, always filming people, with or without their knowledge. He’s also isolated; most of the dialogue in the movie is Masuoka talking to himself.

Marebito is a bit confusing at times. And kinda gross. I was feeling nauseated already when I sat down to watch this, and during a scene when F licks blood off of the floor, I actually gagged. Overall, the acting is decent, it’s pretty original (sort of a ghost/vampire story, with robot-things thrown in), and thought-provoking. Give it a look if you want something a little warped and strange.

Okay, every single trailer is age-restricted

‘The Mangler’: Tobe Hooper, Ted Levine, and Robert Englund–’nuff Said

John (Ted Levine) is a gruff but lovable detective investigating a death at the Blue Ribbon Laundry: a woman was sucked into a steam ironer and flattened. His brother-in-law Mark (Daniel Matmor) immediately suspects the machine is possessed by a demon, and he’s right. John and Mark discover that the owner, Gartley (Robert Englund), deliberately set about summoning the demon for his own evil purposes. He also has bad intentions for his niece Sherry (Vanessa Pike). the duo realize they have to perform an exorcism before the Mangler kills again.

mang2 — “The repairs are gonna cost an arm and a leg!”

“The Mangler” is not one of King’s best short stories, at least in terms of monsters; the premise is pretty ludicrous. But the fact that he himself used to work at a place like the Blue Ribbon Laundry while he was getting started as a writer adds a bit of depth. The film expands on the theme of levels of power and class issues, showing Gartley as a tycoon corrupted by greed. The workers are pushed to their limits and only earning minimum wage, while their supervisors don’t care about their safety. Here, the machines are literally oiled with the blood of the workers. However, depth or not, the film is quite silly. For example the scene when the Mangler uproots itself and pursues John and Sherry, which begs the question: what’s so scary about being chased by a laundry press? And also, what’s so great about being the owner of a decrepit laundromat that makes it worth so much sacrifice?

mang1 — Seriously, just move a little to the right

Something I appreciate about the movie is that in the story when Mark asks Sherry if she is a virgin, she calmly replies she’s saving herself for marriage (though to be fair, Mark prefaces the question with a warning of its importance before posing it). Her reaction in the movie is much more satisfying to me; she screams, “Just get out! Get the hell out!” I like most of the changes from the story, but the addition of a crime scene photographer annoys me, since he adds absolutely nothing to the movie; he shows up, takes pictures, and asks John to play cards with him. Later he gives John the key to what Gartley is doing, but that whole scene comes across as laziness on the writers’ part to me—show, don’t tell!

The theme does get a bit heavy-handed, with Gartley shouting, “Work ‘em like there’s no tomorrow!” There’s a ton of one-liners, and it seems like every five minutes someone says, “Take a look at this,” but overall it’s good watchin’. Levine is at his most appealing, and Englund is properly malevolent. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something fun and gory.

‘The Man with Two Brains’: Comedy Genius

This is a comedy inspired by old sci-fi movies, co-written by Steve Martin and Carl Reiner. Martin is Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr, (pronounced hu-furrrr) a brilliant but lonely brain surgeon. He meets and soon marries Dolores (Kathleen Turner), who turns out to be a conniving gold digger. While at a medical conference in Austria, he is broached by Dr. Necessiter (David Warner), who wants to share his new research: he can keep brains alive in jars. Michael falls in love with one such brain—Ann Uumellmahaye (voice of Sissy Spacek). Because Ann is dying in the jar, Michael has to hurry to find her a suitable body.

Although it has its share of dumb jokes, more often it’s very funny. There aren’t many good stills, so I’ve included clips of some of my favorite gags. And despite being made in the early ’80s, it’s not too dated—the average viewer isn’t really up to date on brain surgery. Steve Martin gives a great performance as the egotistical but well-meaning Michael; even Martin’s tendency toward overacting is appropriate here, given his character is based on clichéd mad scientists.

Also interesting is the subtle message that looks aren’t everything. Michael marries Dolores largely because of her appearance, which she uses to manipulate him and other men throughout the movie. In contrast, he realizes that Ann is sweet, kind, and interesting, with or without a body. As he puts it, he is “aroused by a mind.”

I’ve seen the movie five or six times now, and it’s still amusing to me. I even laughed to myself while writing this. One of my favorite scenes is when Michael has to take an Austrian drunk test, which is included below. It’s silly but not moronic—check it out if you like old sci-fi movies, new sci-fi parodies, or just want a good laugh.