GhoulieJoe

1989’s ‘Far from Home’ is Cheesy and Predictable, but I Kinda Like it

Joleen (Drew Barrymore) is a fourteen-year-old on a road trip with her father Charlie (Matt Frewer). They run out of gas in a small town in Nevada, where fuel is hard to come by. So they temporarily set up shop in a trailer park. Joleen, eager to meet boys, runs across Jimmy (Andras Jones), the son of the crabby owner (Susan Tyrrell). He seems nice at first, but then tries to rape her. Which drives her into the arms of shy Pinky (Anthony Rapp), who’s nice but a bit off. Meanwhile Charlie is mixing with some colorful characters, like stranded pair Louise (Karen Austin) and Amy (Jennifer Tilly), and hippie Duckett (Richard Masur). Suddenly people at the park start dying off, and the pressure is on for Joleen and Charlie to get the car going, or they’ll be next.

ff5 — Here’s a pic from ‘Santa Clarita Diet’ cause I’m sick of exploitative stills of underage Barrymore

This film was released five years before The Stand, but I was struck by how similar the scenery is between the two movies. It seemed odd because Matt Frewer is in both, and Charlie and Joleen drive by buildings that look just like what his character blows up in The Stand. Otherwise the setting is a bit draining for me. I lived in a trailer for the better part of two years, and I didn’t much cotton to it. It’s not often a film brings up unpleasant memories for me, but this is one of them.

In addition to the reverse nostalgia, the characters are quite annoying. Joleen is the clichéd teen girl: blossoming, wanting independence, and sulking. She’s given to writing diary entries like, “Life is just totally unfair.” It’s the late ‘80s, so she also wears three watches and parts her hair funny.

ff3 — Shots of her with her hands in her hair and her legs bared comprise about 90% of the movie

Charlie is the overprotective dad, holding Joleen’s hand (literally, not just figuratively), and leaving her with a babysitter. Pinky is needy, and Jimmy and his mother are sociopaths. But Jennifer Tilly is one of my favorite actresses, so Amy wasn’t too hard to like. I also had a reluctant admiration for Duckett; he’s a hippie, but not a super stereotypical one—he refuses Louise’s offer to buy gas with marijuana, and he likes to point a gun at people. While I’m grudgingly admitting things, Joleen may be whiny, but she can also be crafty while escaping death, and can defend herself pretty well with a wooden board. Give it a look if you like Barrymore or trailer park murder mysteries.

‘The Exorcist III: Legion’–Not as Scary as ‘The Exorcist’ But Creepy, and At Least There’s No Pea Soup-Spewing

Ignoring the second movie, The Exorcist III picks up roughly 15 years after the original left off, with Lieutenant Kinderman (George C. Scott) investigating a series of murders that appear to be the work of the Gemini Killer (Brad Dourif), who’s supposed to be dead. Meanwhile, Kinderman encounters Patient X (Jason Miller), a mental patient who bears a striking resemblance to Father Karras—who’s also supposed to be dead. Unfortunately Kinderman’s effort to stop the killings earns him an “invitation to the dance,” and possessed people begin coming after him and his family. Together with the priest Father Morning (Nicol Williamson), they try to perform yet another exorcism.

I have mixed feelings about this movie. It has a major nostalgia quotient for me; I first watched it as a teenager with one of my favorite horror movie buddies, my sister Leslie. We’re still amused by oddball dialogue like Kinderman’s statement, “I can’t go home until the carp is asleep.” It’s written and directed by William Peter Blatty (who wrote the novel the first movie is based on, and the novel this film is adapted from), so my criterion of someone associated with the original film is met. Characters from The Exorcist appear (though thankfully not Regan—I think she’s been through enough, which is why I refuse to watch the second film in the series), and while most are replaced by different actors, I adore George C. Scott, and the return of Jason Miller is enough for me. The movie also follows the logic of the original, while giving it an interesting twist.

ex2 — Okay, MOSTLY original–they gotta keep the look of possession consistent, right?

Wisely, the filmmakers attempt new scares rather than copy ones from the first film. It is a bit unnerving at times, beginning with the disturbing concept that the killer uses a drug to paralyze his victims before horribly torturing them. There’s also an old lady who’s a bit eerie even before she becomes possessed and crawls around on the ceiling. Then there’s the scene when a possessed patient suddenly appears on-screen, arms outstretched mummy-like, to grab the next victim, accompanied by blaring trumpets.

Which is not to say there aren’t moments that annoy me. I’m not satisfied with the reasoning behind Karras’s reappearance. I also don’t appreciate a dream sequence of Kinderman’s featuring Samuel L. Jackson as well as Fabio and Patrick Ewing as angels, mostly because Kinderman sees a victim of the Gemini Killer and says “I’m so sorry you were murdered, Thomas.” Thanks, that means a lot? Also, while I normally enjoy Brad Dourif, I can’t stand him here. For some reason his eyes are always leaking and his dialogue is godawful: “Gracious me. Was I raving?”

ex3 — Juuuust kidding–I can’t resist those puppy dog eyes

If you’re in the mood for creepy rather than overly gory or gross, give it a look.

ex4 — “Okay, who let David Lynch in here?”

‘Evilspeak’ is Big Time Dated, but Still Way Flash

Private Coopersmith (Clint Howard) is a recently orphaned teenager in military school. His poor soccer skills and habit of crying frequently make him unpopular, and he’s often tortured by four really mean guys. On a cleaning detail in the school’s chapel cellar, he discovers a boatload of Satanist paraphernalia. With a combination of black magic and technology (if you can call a circa-1982 computer technology), he raises evil spirit Esteban (Richard Moll). When the bullies push Coopersmith too far, he gives them what-for.

I hadn’t seen the movie since I watched it on TV, around age eleven. I remembered it not being great, so this time around I was expecting a crapfest. I was pleasantly surprised. The acting isn’t bad, the special effects aren’t terrible (aside from a decapitation in the first scene—the camera cuts away from what is clearly a living woman and returns to what is clearly a dummy), and it’s actually a little creepy at times. I also enjoy the juxtaposition of ancient evil and modern machinery—it adds a little twist to a prolific genre.

es4 — This some high-tech evilness right here

I like the character of Coopersmith. He’s whiny and a total goon, but he’s also cute and sweet (and Clint Howard was kinda pretty 40 years ago). I’m amused that Coopersmith starts performing a black mass, then ends up in the kitchen where he rescues a runty puppy, gets it settled comfortably, then returns to the black mass. His revenge scene is satisfying, but I was actually a bit shocked by the blasphemy. A statue of Jesus comes to life, and a nail flies out of its wrist and launches into the chaplain’s head. Then out comes Coopersmith, full of satanic power—but he’s floating and carrying a sword, like an avenging angel.

Of course the film has its silly points, too. For example the computer, by way of Esteban, giving Coopersmith instructions on doing evil magic. It tends to nag him when he doesn’t gather all the required ingredients: “Blood consecrated host/Data incomplete.” But overall it’s a decent watch. Give this one a look if you’re in the mood for Carrie with a computer.

‘Eve’s Bayou’: Surrender to the Splenderousness!!!

Eve (Jurnee Smollett) is a ten-year-old girl in the not-quite-specified-when past. Her close-knit family includes her edgy mother Roz (Lynn Whitfield), philandering father Louis (Samuel L. Jackson), younger brother Poe (Jake Smollett), teenage sister Cisely (Meagan Good), and aunt Mozelle (Debbi Morgan), a psychic counselor. When Cisely tells Eve that Louis molested her, Eve vows revenge, going to a local fortune teller (Diahann Carroll) for a voodoo spell to kill her father. The results are far from what she expected, and her innocence is lost forever.

The film was written and directed by Kasi Lemmons, whom you may remember as the sassy best friend in The Silence of the Lambs and Candyman. Her talents are rather wasted on the roles she’s usually handed, and actually according to Internet Movie Database, she hasn’t acted since 2012. Thankfully, she has kept directing; as of 2019 her most recent credits include an episode of Luke Cage, and oh yeah, a little movie called Harriet.

Eve’s Bayou is an involving, emotionally charged film. The viewer feels deeply for Eve as the neglected middle sister who just wants some attention. Her decision to curse her father is understandable as we too are exposed to his selfish ways—not only his behavior toward Cisely but his continuous cheating on Roz. There’s even a scene when he takes Eve on his route as the town doctor; he leaves her outside while claiming to “cure” his “client.” The cinematography is stunning—Lemmons makes the swamp look beautiful. It also has some interesting things to say about objectivity and memory.

On my last viewing, I put the movie on intending to watch it by myself. My husband, uninterested, was planning to do some work on his laptop, but instead wound up getting sucked in and watched it to the end. Give this one a look if you’re in the mood for a well-written, well-acted, classy movie about voodoo. Or, like me, you’re in love with Kasi Lemmons.

‘Elvira’s Haunted Hills’: Elvira is Always Entertaining

The continued adventures of Elvira, Mistress of the Night (Cassandra Peterson stars and co-wrote). Elvira and her friend Zou Zou (Mary Jo Smith) are off to perform in a cabaret show in 1851 Paris when their carriage breaks down in Carpathia. They find shelter at the castle of Lord Hellsubus (Richard O’Brien). Between the castle’s wacky inhabitants like Lady Ima (Mary Scheer) and Lord Hellsubus’s consumptive niece Roxana (Heather Hopper) and Lord Hellsubus mistaking her for his dead first wife, Elvira has her hands full. When Hellsubus snaps, Elvira suspects she may not make it to her show.

ehh6 — “Stop! No one can see my ample bosom!”

The most striking thing about the film is that it parodies the 1960s Edgar Allen Poe adaptations, often directed by Roger Corman, invariably starring Vincent Price (whom the film is dedicated to), particularly The Pit and the Pendulum, The Fall of the House of Usher, and The Tomb of Ligeia–there’s even a character who seems to be loosely based on Price. The spoofing is appropriate, since she’s associated with classic movies. She fits naturally in a gothic, brooding tale.

Not that an Elvira movie 13 years after the first one, and long after Elvira went out of style, is a great idea. It’s centered around boob jokes, which quickly get tiresome. Also unfunny are the jokes at the expense of Zou Zou’s weight; she seems to be around just to make Elvira look better by comparison (though I think she’s adorable). However, there are occasional amusing moments, such as Elvira’s line, “Where’s the secret door? They always have one of those.”

What I like about the film is first Richard O’Brien! And second, Elvira is a tough, independent woman. She’s unashamed of her sexuality. Despite the many many jokes about her breasts, she’s the protagonist and demands respect. She also doesn’t need a man to save her. In one scene Hellsubus has her trapped under a pendulum; her love interest Adrian (Gabi Andronache) is stuck outside the door. She manages to get loose, and by the time he reaches her the baddies are dispatched. She hugs him, saying, “Don’t worry. We’re safe now.” Overall, it’s worth a look, especially if you’re a Rocky Horror fan.

‘Ed and His Dead Mother’ is Delightfully Demented

Ed (Steve Buscemi) is on trial for cutting off his mother’s head; however, as he explains, she was already dead. Going back a bit, Ed, still bereft about his mother Mabel’s (Miriam Margoyles) death, is approached by the Happy People Corporation; Mr. Pattle (John Glover) offers him “a simple reanimation” for a thousand dollars. Unfortunately, her body is unusually messed up—in fact, her brain was in pieces, making her reanimation more expensive and not as guarantee-able. Although she seems normal on the surface (aside from offering Ed juice from inside the refrigerator), she also has a nasty habit of chasing neighborhood dogs with a knife and fork, and cutting up a guy with a chainsaw (though to be fair, he was a mean guy). She’s also impervious to bullets, so once Ed decides he has to send her back, he has his work cut out for him.

ed5 — Mr. Pattle displays Mabel, who rode over in his trunk: “Jeez, Ed, she’s dead. You think I wanna get her all over my seats?”–actual quote

There are obvious themes the film shares with Frankenstein: Ed is guilty of disobeying the laws of nature (and his mother also has an abnormal brain). However, he’s motivated not by playing God, but by being unhealthily obsessed with his mother. Like Frankenstein (at least in the movie version), he’s saved by the love of a woman—his neighbor Storm (Sam Sorbo), who naturally can’t wait to hop into bed with him.

I first saw this as a kid, on TV. On a second, recent viewing, I found I still liked it. For such serious subject matter, it‘s quite effective as a comedy. I enjoy Mabel’s statement to the mean guy (as she brandishes a chainsaw), “We seem to be all out of tea. I’m afraid you’ll just have to settle for this!”

The only aspect of the film I don’t appreciate is the relationship between Ed and Storm; I think the movie would have been just fine without her. But we have to establish that Ed is definitely not gay, don’t we? Overall it’s amusing and entertaining. Check it out if you’re in the mood for a dark comedy. Even the movie posters are hilarious.

Tobe Hooper’s ‘Eaten Alive’ is Not Just Any Old Slasher

Judd (Neville Brand) is a cranky loner operating a rundown bayou hotel. He also kills people and feeds them to his pet crocodile. He has his hands full when a dysfunctional family of three as well as the sister and father of one of his victims rent rooms. Then there’s Buck (Robert Englund), a stubborn redneck who won’t leave him alone. What’s a business proprietor to do when all of his patrons are begging to be crocodile food?

Wook how tiny and adorbs!

It sounds like a conventional slasher movie, but it’s no more mundane than director Tobe Hooper’s earlier film The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The plot is fairly simplistic (Judd doesn’t even have a back story—he’s apparently just crazy), but the characters are interesting. It’s not just a hack-and-slash; there’s development. There’s less nudity than one might expect, given that the very first shot is of Buck’s crotch. It also doesn’t have the familiar, predictable feel that slasher movies often have, maybe because Judd spends much of his time singing and muttering gibberish. The father of the family has a ranting scene complete with squealing that’s reminiscent of David Lynch movies.

“Take off that shitty wig, or it’s chores for you!”

“Nooooooo! It’s holding my brains in!”

It’s very dark and atmospheric, from the tragic, miserable characters to the dim lighting and occasional use of a filter that makes everything look red. Judd doesn’t seem to enjoy what he does; he seems to see it as necessary—he’s almost like his crocodile in that he kills to live. The film looks cheaply made, but doesn’t rely much on special effects. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it feminist, but many of the women are resourceful and tend to outlive the men. Overall, the acting is decent, and the writing is solid. Check it out if you’re in the mood for country folks and killer beasties. Watch for Chainsaw‘s Marilyn Burns as well as the first Morticia, Carolyn Jones.

‘Dreamcatcher’: makes puking noises

Four friends from childhood: Henry, a suicidal psychiatrist (Thomas Jane), Jonesy, a psychic teacher (Damian Lewis), Pete, a car salesman good at finding lost stuff (Timothy Olyphant), and not-much-going-for-him Beaver (Jason Lee) return to their cabin in the woods for their annual hunting trip. Unfortunately, they’re accosted by a variety of aliens, from the cultured and intelligent (but evil) Mr. Grey, to “shit weasels,” who have the nasty habit of invading the human body and exiting from the rear. Jonesy is possessed by Mr. Grey, while Pete is in a car accident, Beaver is trapped with a poop creature, and Henry winds up in an internment camp for those possibly infected by aliens, which is run by the power-mad Colonel Curtis (Morgan Freeman). It’s mostly up to Henry and Jonesy and their childhood friend Duddits (Donnie Wahlberg) to stop Mr. Grey from contaminating Boston’s water supply with aliens.

It’s not the worst Stephen King adaptation, but it’s far from the best. Not helpful is that the source material is, in my humble opinion, King’s worst work to date. It adds nothing new to the alien genre (civilians and the military fight aliens that manifest in peoples’ bodies—been there, done that) except the disgusting new dimension of the creatures giving their hosts extremely smelly gas before tearing their anuses open. (For animal lovers, the worst part is likely when Mr. Grey makes a German shepherd eat a dead alien-infected person, which leaves the dog whining, miserable, and lumpy with critters. King, even with a terrible premise, is such a damn good storyteller that I still grudgingly like the book. Yet the movie, in the hands of William Goldman, keeps all of the revolting details and despite its 136-minute running time, little of the character nuance.

dc1 — Did I mention the special effects are nothing to write home about?

If this movie is about something (other than the power of friendship) I am at a loss to decipher it. I can’t get past scenes like Henry telepathically telling Jonesy (who’s hiding from Mr. Grey in a special room in his memory warehouse—don’t get me started on the memory warehouse) to call 1-800-HENRY. Jonesy calls from a phone in the room, which causes a gun in Henry’s hand to ring and function as a phone.

dc3 — Even the actors want out of the movie

Then there’s their series of annoying catchphrases like “No bounce, no play” and Beaver’s endless colorful exclamations like “Fuck me Freddy!” and “Jesus Christ bananas!” (by the way, don’t watch this movie on basic cable, no matter how often TNT runs it—these turn into “Foul me Freddy” and something about fried bananas). Then there’s dialogue like, “You carry his picture with you always.” Then there’s Morgan Freeman; I’m annoyed to see such a high-caliber actor here—and what’s with the eyebrows?

dc4 — Even Morgan Freeman’s eyebrows want outta here!

On the plus side, I enjoy the actors, particularly Jason Lee and Thomas Jane. And the score is pretty cool. Check it out if you feel like Stephen King lite—but not short.

‘Drag Me to Hell’ is Occasionally Eerie, but Mostly Pretty Silly

Christine (Alison Lohman) is a loan officer trying to move up in the world. She’s neck-and-neck for a promotion with her coworker Stu (Reggie Lee), who fights dirty. So when Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver) comes asking for an extension on her house payment, Christine turns her away. Unfortunately, the woman places a Romani curse on her: in three days a lamia (demon-y thing) will come, as the title suggests, drag her to hell. Christine and her boyfriend Clay (Justin Long) are thus left scrambling for a way out; can spiritualist Rham (Dileep Rao) or medium Shaun (Adriana Barraza) save her in time?

Upon seeing this movie, my sister Leslie groaned, “I knew Sam Raimi couldn’t make a serious horror movie.” Is she right? Perhaps. While it does have moments of creepiness (I myself find the concept of being cursed for eternity a little spooky), there are far more scenes that are meant to be funny—at least I hope they are. Like when Mrs. Ganush surprises Christine in her barn; Christine drops an anvil on top of her head, making her eyes pop out like a wolf in a Tex Avery cartoon. Or when Shaun is attempting an exorcism; the lamia possesses a goat (the plan was to kill it while in the goat body), which bleats, “Christine! You black-hearted whoo-oo-re!”

There are plenty of disgusting moments. The filmmakers go to great pains to make Mrs. Ganush gross, from her hag-like appearance to her habit of hacking up yellow goo. I can definitely say there are parts of it that are morbid, like when a child is dragged to hell, or when Christine kills her kitten in hopes of pleasing the lamia. However, I think the talking goat pretty much ruins it for seriousness. And also, most imagery from the movie makes Lohman look either like she’s getting a vigorous Herbal Essences shampooing:

or she’s inappropriately happy:

dh2 — Where did her arm go? I mean, seriously?

or both at once!

But overall the acting is decent, the special effects are mostly good (once again, fuck that fucking goat), and the ending, though somewhat predictable, is still pretty neat.

dh3 — “Coin! Coin!” If you get that reference, we are friends.

I have a soft spot for the movie, maybe because Mrs. Ganush’s toothless attempt to bite Christine’s chin reminds me of my baby daughter, or having once been told I resemble Alison Lohman, I fondly think of her as my skinny twin (term copyrighted by my sister Suzy, whose skinny twin is Scarlett Johansson). I find I appreciate it more over repeated viewings. Sam Raimi fans, I have to warn you up front that Lucy Lawless, Ted Raimi, and Bruce Campbell are nowhere in sight. But give it a look if there’s nothing else going on.

‘Dark House’ (2009) is Repulsive, and Not in a Good Way

Claire (Meghan Ory) is a college student with a dark past: when she was a young child, she witnessed local kid-hoarder Mrs. Darrode (Diane Salinger) kill her seven foster children. As an adult, Claire has to take medication; unfortunately, this cuts her off from her emotions, which disrupts her chosen profession of acting. Her therapist suggests she visit the Darrode house and face her fears. She gets her chance when her acting class: token Black guy Eldon (Danso Gordon), light-haired white guy Bruce (Ryan Melander), dark-haired white guy Rudy (Matt Cohen), evil girl Ariel (Bevin Prince), and goth Lily (Shelly Cole) are invited to work as actors there for “king of horror haunts” Walston Ray (Jeffrey Combs), who is making the house into a Disneyland-meets-Winchester House, with holograms. Alas, the show goes awry when Mrs. Darrode invades the computer system and makes the holograms real and able to kill. It’s up to Claire and her pals to put a stop to Mrs. Darrode’s haunted hijinks.

It’s pretty standard fare; the characters are unremarkable, and the plot isn’t very original. It does have occasional creepy moments, like the children praying during the opening credits, which cuts to blood-spattered dolls. It’s also a mite disturbing when Mrs. Darrode puts her hands in the garbage disposal. There’s also the scene when Claire’s memory of Mrs. Darrode turns to her and says, “What the fuck are you looking at?”

But kinda cool things are phased out by the unpleasantries. For example the presence of a predatory lesbian character with eyes for Ariel, who refers to herself as “dyke bait.” Furthermore, Mrs. Darrode is mostly too overdone to be really scary, the one-liners are annoying, and the twist ending doesn’t make any sense. One wonders why Mrs. Darrode chose to pick off her contemporary victims one by one, instead of in a mass murder, which is her M.O. (besides that it would end the movie abruptly). Then there are the amazing tech-savvy spirits who possess the machinery; if ghosts ever start looking for something constructive to do after death, there seems to be a bustling career in IT for them. Anywho, give the movie a look if you’re in the mood for a watered-down House on Haunted Hill.