“Mummer would tell us these tales over the dinner table without a flicker of doubt that God’s hand was at work in the world, as it had been in the time of the saints and martyrs, the violent deaths of whom were regularly inflicted upon us as exempla of not only the unconditional oath we had to make to the service of the Lord, but of the necessity of suffering.
The worse the torment, the more God was able to make Himself known, Mummer said, invoking the same branch of esoteric mathematics Father Wilfred used in his sermons to explain why the world was full of war and murder–a formula by which cruelty could be shown to be inversely proportionate to mercy. The more inhumane the misery we could inflict upon one another, the more compassionate God seemed as a counterpoint to us. It was through pain that we would know how far we still had to go to be perfect in His eyes. And so, unless one suffered, Father Wilfred was wont to remind us, one could not be a true Christian.”
“Old shelters–television, magazines, movies–won’t protect you anymore. You might try scribbling in a journal, on a napkin, maybe even in the margins of this book. That’s when you’ll discover you no longer trust the very walls you always took for granted. Even the hallways you’ve walked a hundred times will feel longer, much longer, and the shadows, any shadow at all, will suddenly seem deeper, much, much, deeper.
You might try then, as I did, to find a sky so full of stars it will blind you again. Only no sky can blind you now. Even with all that iridescent magic up there, your eye will no longer linger on the light, it will no longer trace constellations. You’ll care only about the darkness and you’ll watch it for hours, for days, maybe even for years, trying in vain to believe you’re some kind of indispensable, universe-appointed sentinel, as if just by looking you could actually keep it all at bay. It will get so bad you’ll be afraid to look away, you’ll be afraid to sleep.
Then no matter where you are, in a crowded restaurant or on some desolate street or even in the comforts of your own home, you’ll watch yourself dismantle every assurance you ever lived by. You’ll stand aside as a great complexity intrudes, tearing apart, piece by piece, all of your carefully conceived denials, whether deliberate or unconscious. And then for better or worse you’ll turn, unable to resist, though try to resist you still will, fighting with everything you’ve got not to face the thing you most dread, what is now, what will be, what has always come before, the creature you truly are, the creature we all are, buried in the nameless black of a name.
Today, I was involved in my first two-car collision. I was at a four-way intersection, and I was thinking the corner on my right had a stop sign, but by the time I realized it did not, and that the other driver was not stopping, we had crashed.
I’m not including a real picture, so pretend this crumpled ball of foil is the passenger side of my car
It’s been a few hours, and time has given me the ability to be grateful for some things: No one was hurt. Neither of us had passengers. The other driver was calm and polite, and even walked me through what would likely happen next. Our cars were still drivable. It happened right outside my work, so my coworkers stopped to make sure I was okay, and my supervisor gave me the day off so I could ugly-cry in private and fill out the pertinent paperwork.
Buuuut, this is not an ideal event, and I’m still upset. Being me, my mind wandered to horror films, and to make myself feel better and put my situation in perspective, I compiled a list (NOT all-encompassing, don’t tell me what I left out–nah, seriously, I wuv you, tell away) of movies involving car crashes with disastrous consequences.
What I got when I google-image-searched “horror movies are life”
Shortly after the film opens, the titular Jessabelle is t-boned by another car, losing the use of her legs and her fiancé, and ends up living with her estranged father, whom she finds out has a horrible secret. Besides the fact that all Jessie has to entertain herself with is a VCR. Not a period piece, it’s the 21st century.
A writer driving in a snowstorm crashes and is rescued by a former nurse who’s also his biggest fan. Unfortunately, her love includes forcing him to write a romance novel specifically for her and clubbing him with a sledgehammer. And killing anyone who tries to help. And buying him a typewriter that’s missing the “e” key. And making him drink his own pee. Just kidding, that only happens in the book.
3.) Creepshow 2 (1987)
A privileged caucasian lady pulls a hit-and-run on a Black homeless dude, and his ghost haunts her, continuously thanking her for the ride. (If you guessed this movie was written and directed by white people, you would be correct. Only white people would make a movie in which a person of color thanks a white person for murdering them.)
Two women have a car wreck, causing one to miscarry. She comes after the other to steal her baby, and they have an extended, gruesome duel, involving scissors, knitting needles, and a toaster. (If you guessed this movie was written and directed by men, you would be correct. Because what else would women fight over but the privilege of being a mother, and what else would they use but craft supplies and household appliances?)
After a guy is killed in a car accident, he comes back looking like a cheap Halloween costume and watches his grieving wife eat an entire pie.
Okay, that last one’s not really a horror movie, but it’s often very hard to watch. Did I mention she eats the pie in one take, in record time? And by her account, it tasted awful? Phew, glad I’m never seeing that again. Now I can move on with my day.
I’ve recently entered the early stages of middle age, but until recently I’ve never really felt like an adult. For the fourteen years we had been married, my husband Andrew and I were living in a house his grandparents bought and rented to us for peanuts. Until the pandemic, we lived paycheck to paycheck on my salary from working part-time and his SSI check (he’s legally blind). After I got stuck at home during lockdown, he discovered that Amazon, while being an evil conglomerate, is sometimes good to the differently-abled community. A year and a half later, he earned a promotion–in Kentucky. Two thousand miles away from our nest in California. Deciding that it was a chance we couldn’t pass up, we made plans to move. Across the country. In three weeks. Our original plan was that I stay with our three kids until the end of the school year, but Ubers are goddamned expensive. So we came too, which involved dropping our 12- and 9-year old into brand new schools in a brand new environment as well as hurriedly quitting my job.
Being the kind and generous people they are, Andrew’s grandmother lent out her husband to pitch in with driving to Kentucky, which was more financially feasible than flying. Naturally, he ended up doing 100% of the driving, while I snoozed and dominated the aux cable.
Andrew meanwhile had secured us a rental house and was staying there as we drove. That sounds awfully fast to get a house, you may be thinking. And that’s because our property management agency is garbage. The benefit of having a widely reviled rental company is that as long as you can do basic paperwork and prove you make three times the rent, you can stroll right on in. Unfortunately, the house we rented was tiny. Three bedrooms and a reasonably sized yard, but tiny. And the kitchen floor was seeping water. And the dishwasher was broken. And the heater was broken. And the hot water heater was broken. And there was a sizable leak in the ceiling, which over the course of a couple of days turned into a sizable hole in the ceiling. Of course we complained to the company, which took its sweet time fixing shit, even comping us a hotel room because March can be chilly in Kentucky, but eventually we had a dry kitchen floor, a working dishwasher, an extremely noisy heater that worked well in the front half of the house and almost adequately in the back, hot water, and a hastily patched ceiling.
And then, the bugs. The. Bugs. We get a break during cold weather, but woo-wee when spring comes around, look out! The mosquitoes here are aggressive; they’ll swarm you during the day, even in the rain. Ants come en masse. And stinkbugs. If you’ve never met a stinkbug (I hadn’t, so I was googling every bug I saw for a while), they spray when threatened and spray when squished, which attracts more stinkbugs. But they actually have a pretty long fuse, so it’s generally possible to scoop them up and put them outside. I took to putting an empty yogurt tub on top of the refrigerator to capture stray bugs, which I needed pretty much every time I turned around.
By far, the most shocking were the webworms. They show up and virtually overnight create massive webs in trees. I came outside one morning to find what looked like from afar giant spiderwebs full of maggots. I googled it and calmed down when I discovered they don’t hurt anything and head out when they’re done chilling in your tree. But seriously, this is what they look like. They’re nightmare fuel.
All the adjustments plus the emotional and financial burden of relocating across the country had me in a bad way. Back before the move, I had become enamored of a song by The Mountain Goats called “This Year”, which includes the lyrics, “I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.” This was my mantra, and it got me through. (Now, we’re much more stable, with a much better house, and I have a full-time library job, something I struggled to get for seven years in California and never succeeded.)
Some time later, I was browsing e-books and came across Devil Houseby John Darnielle, and was intrigued. I loved it, and when I went to follow him on Goodreads I found out that he’s in The Mountain Goats. The singer/songwriter of the song that gave me hope is also a fantastic novelist! Here’s the Book Quote of the Day:
“I try to honor the dead in my books. It’s one of the things, I hope, that sets me apart a little from my partners in true crime. When I read what others write about places where the unthinkable became real, the focus always seems off to me. Victims spend their entire time in the spotlight just waiting for the fatal blow, on a conveyor belt that leads to the guillotine; I pity their fates, but it’s hard to grieve for them, because the treadmill on which they ran feels specifically designed to kill them.”
In a show of unfair levels of talent, Darnielle also reads his own audiobooks, and they’re amazing. I failed to find a good clip on YouTube, so you’ll just have to find out for yourself. Enjoy!
This is my neighborhood. Pretty, innit? But you may observe there are no sidewalks. So when my two-year-old wants to go for a walk, we have to perambulate in the street.
It’s very quiet, the official speed limit is 15 miles an hour, and there are loads of kids around, so drivers tend to be cautious. Plus I’m hyperaware of everything around us, and I can definitely beat Jack in a foot race.
But but but. My bad brain whispers ‘Pet Sematary Pet Sematary Pet Sematary’. And replays that devastating scene from the original film when Louis grabs for his son as the lad is stepping in front of a semi and almost catches him.
So long story short, being a parent means living in a state of terror for the rest of your life. Lots more coming on that subject.
Last night, I watched Def by Temptation, a movie I’d never heard of until I saw it featured in Horror Noire: A History of Black Horror. I loved it and was quite taken with the leading lady, Cynthia Bond, who plays a succubus. Bond gives a skillfully nuanced performance, switching from sweet innocent to wicked demon with aplomb.
Def is only her second acting credit, and her first film credit. I’d never heard of her, and I was sure that at some point she’d done the one-hit-wonder thing and dropped off the face of the planet. Turns out, she indeed hasn’t been acting since the mid-90s–she’s been quietly making the world a better place as a counselor and novelist.
To quote Wikipedia:
“Bond founded The Blackbird Collective in 2011 to, according to their website, ‘create a nurturing, supportive environment for writers’ with an emphasis on ‘telling truths seldom shared, and using creativity to help others.’ She taught writing to homeless and at-risk youth for over 15 years at the Los Angeles LGBT Center.”
“Grace sat there in the doldrums of her conscience, unsure if she was a reasonably good person or a marginally bad one. She tried to summon a list of the good things she had done, so she could weigh them against the bad ones, but she was less sure than ever what constituted a Good Thing. Had she ever done anything out of pure kindness? Pure generosity? Weren’t there, if she was being honest, tendrils of selfishness intertwined with every act?”
“Up close, I realize, Hope’s End is a mess. One of the second-floor windows is missing panes and now has plywood covering the gaping hole. Chunks of marble have broken off the detailing around some of the doors and windows. The roof is missing a fifth of its slate shingles, giving it a battered, pockmarked look that’s honestly a relief. At last, a place as broken as I feel.”
Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part twenty. In no particular order:
25.) Shirley Jackson (Elisabeth Moss): “A clean house is evidence of mental inferiority.” (Shirley, 2020)
24.) Naomi (Maya Rudolph), regarding a vacation away from her four kids: “Mama needs to rock out with her cock out. Also, Mama needs to stop referring to herself in the third person.” (Wine Country, 2019)
23.) Rosa (Zoe Saldana), after her daughter inherits a mound of musical instruments from her late great-great-uncle: “Oh, thank you, Montoya. You gave my kid an accordion.” (Vivo, 2021)
22.) Emily (Octavia Spencer), after Lydia (Melissa McCarthy) has received a serum that makes her extremely strong: “I’m estimating that you’ll be able to lift 20,000 pounds. Roughly the weight of a city bus.” Lydia: “Oh my God, I’m gonna throw the shit out of a city bus.” Emily [whose teenage daughter is standing by]: “Language.” Lydia: “I’m gonna throw the pee crap out of a city bus.” (Thunder Force, 2021)
She really does throw a bus
21.) Inspirational voice on CD (Maya Rudolph): “Stand atop the mountain of your success and look down at everyone who’s ever doubted you. Fuck those losers. Fuck them in their stupid fucking faces.” (Booksmart, 2019)
20.) Sara (Salma Hayek), regarding her brother Maximo’s (Eugenio Derbez) pronunciation of her son’s name (hoo-go, when it should be pronounced oo-go): “Don’t call him ‘jugo’! His name is Hugo!” Maximo: “Same thing!” Sara: “He’s not a juice!” (How to Be a Latin Lover, 2017)
19.) The Horde (James McAvoy), to a row of captive cheerleaders: “Look at you all. My name is Patricia. Now, who would like a P.B. and J. sandwich? You do.” (Glass, 2019)
18.) [Audrey (Mila Kunis) is unexpectedly the caretaker for a flash drive full of spy stuff thanks to her ex-boyfriend]: “We have to get it to a cafe in Vienna.” Morgan (Kate McKinnon): “Austria, Vienna? Okay. Well, why don’t we do that then?” Audrey: “Do what? Go to Europe when a bunch of people are trying to kill us?” Morgan: “Do you wanna die never having been to Europe? Or do you wanna go to Europe and die having been to Europe?” Audrey: “Why are those my only two options?” (The Spy Who Dumped Me, 2018)
17.) Mirabel (Stephanie Beatriz), reprising a musical number she sang earlier, while climbing an enchanted flight of stairs and becoming steadily more exhausted: “Welcome to the Family Madrigal…there’s so many stairs in the Casa Madrigal…you think there would be another way to get so high ’cause we’re magic, but no…magical, how many stairs fit in here!” (Encanto, 2021)
16.) [Gerry (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) is a reporter investigating a story about a teen supposedly able to perform miraculous feats]: “Where are you going?” Nervous Man Leaving Town (Charlie Thurston): “Anywhere but here.” Gerry: “Aren’t you happy about the miracles?” NMLT: “No, sir, I am not. I like when God stays where he belongs. Up there. When he comes down here, bad things happen. Floods, plagues of locusts. The Old Testament God is wrathful. What if something pisses him off?” (The Unholy, 2021)
Jeffrey Dean Morgan, hopefully pondering his life choices–this movie was a total dumpster fire
15.) Levee (Chadwick Boseman): “Life ain’t shit. You can put it in a paper bag and carry it around with you. It ain’t got no balls. Now death? Death got some style. Death will kick your ass and make you wish you never been born. That’s how bad death is. But you can rule over life. Life ain’t nothing.” (Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, 2020)
14.) [A family is trapped in a bathroom during what begins as a tornado but may be something much worse, and they have killed a snake] Robert (Pat Healy): “Should we have eaten it?” Melissa (Sierra McCormick): “Gross, no!” Bobby (John James Cronin): “Snakes with extra cheese! Cheese with extra snakes!” Diane (Vinessa Shaw): “I don’t know how to eat a snake, do you?” Robert: “Yeah, you just pick it up and bite the head off like Ozzy.” Diane: “Wasn’t that a bat?” Robert: “Snakes are just bats that can’t fly!” (We Need to Do Something, 2021)
This is not that scene, but oh my gosh you need this in your life–voice cameo by the aforementioned Ozzy Osbourne
13.) Stan (Bradley Cooper), discussing working in a circus with Clem (Willem Dafoe): “How do you ever get a guy to geek?” Clem: “Oh, I ain’t gonna crap you up. It ain’t easy. You gotta pick up a broken drunk. A real alkie, a two-bottle-a-day fool, see?” Stan: “Pick him up from where?” Clem: “Nightmare alleys, train tracks, flophouses, you name it. Lot of folks came back from the war addicted to the poppy, to booze. Now, opium really sinks its claws, but you reel ’em in with booze. You tell ’em, ‘I got a little job for you. It’s a temporary job.’ Make sure you emphasize that. ‘Just temporary, until we get ourselves another geek.’ You spike it with that opium tincture. One drop per bottle, that’s all. But oh, oh, now, this is what he thinks is heaven. So you say to him, like this, you say to him, ‘Well, I gotta get me a real geek.’ He says, ‘Ain’t I doing okay?’ You say, ‘Like crap you’re doing okay. You can’t draw a real crowd faking a geek. You’re through.’ And you walk off. Now, that night, you drag out the lecture, you lay it on thick. All the while you’re talking, he’s thinking about sobering up, getting the crawling shakes, the screaming, the terrors. You give him time to think that over while you’re talking. Then, you throw him the chicken. He’ll geek.” (Nightmare Alley, 2021)
12.) Commissioner Blades (Harry Lennix): “So, what is this, Chief?” Chief Riptide (Tony Fitzpatrick): “At approximately 15:00 hours 75 women took possession of the armory. They had hostages, they released them.” Blades: “Women did this?” Riptide: “Black and Brown women.” Blades: “Black and Brown women?” Riptide: “Just Black and Brown women.” Blades: “How many dead?” Riptide: “Zero.” Blades: “Just wounded?” Riptide: “Nada.” Blades: “They were packing big muscle, huh?” Riptide: “No, sir, they appear to be unarmed.” Blades: “How many?” Riptide: “Approximately 75, sir.” Blades: “Are you telling me that 75 Black and Brown women took a United States Military Armory, unarmed?” Riptide: “Yes, sir.” (Chi-Raq, 2015)
11.) Charlie (Brendan Fraser): “You think Alan died because he chose to be with me? You think God turned His back on him because he and I were in love?” Thomas (Ty Simpkins): “Yes.” Charlie: “You know something? I wasn’t always this big.” Thomas: “Yeah, I know.” Charlie: “I mean, I wasn’t the best-looking guy in the room, but Alan loved me. He thought I was beautiful.” Thomas: “Okay.” Charlie: “Halfway through the semester, he started meeting me during my office hours. And we were…we were crazy about one another. But we waited until the class was over before–” Thomas: “This isn’t, uh…” Charlie: “It was just after classes had ended for the year. It was perfect temperature outside. We took a walk in the arboretum, and we kissed.” Thomas: “Charlie, stop.” Charlie: “We would spend entire nights lying together, naked. We would make love. We would make love.” (The Whale, 2022)
Somehow I could not find a good clip of that scene, so here’s an ironic reversal from the film Gods and Monsters, with Fraser playing the uncomfortable homophobe
10.) Flint, Michigan, resident Fatima Strong, regarding how she has to brush her teeth with bottled water because the tap water in Flint has dangerous amounts of lead: “That’s how I brushed my teeth in Iraq. I took bottled water showers in Iraq. So, I compare how I live now to how I lived in Iraq as far as when it comes to water. I had more water supply in Iraq than I do now.” (Fahrenheit 11/9, 2018)
9.) Jean (Selma Blair), a serial killer addressing police officer Eddie (Stellan Skarsgård) and his sort-of-boyfriend Daniel (Ashley Walters), whom she’s holding hostage in order to make one kill the other in a complex revenge scheme: “He doesn’t love you, Eddie. If this was his choice, you’d be long dead by now. Flick the switch. It’s what we all do. There is no love.” Daniel: “Sorry, man. So fucking sorry.” Eddie: “Kill me.” Daniel: “Eddie.” Jean: “You want me to kill you?” Eddie: “I don’t care if he loves me. Let him go. [To Daniel] In my life, you’re the only thing I don’t regret.” (w delta z, AKA The Killing Gene, 2007)
Awww, that would be really sweet if Eddie hadn’t initially forced Daniel into a relationship to get out of being arrested. Yep those are spoilers–like you’re gonna see this movie? It’s way hard to find! But if you’re still interested, I watched it on Tubi.
8.) Carla (Stephanie Beatriz): “Mi amor, calmate, huh? What would Jesus do?” Daniela (Daphne Rubin-Vega): “Do I look like Jesus to you?” Carla: “I mean, sometimes when I squint.” (In the Heights, 2021)
7.) [Kim (Riley Keough) and Will (Christopher Abbott) are in the midst of a pandemic that has killed most people and depleted their food supply, but they haven’t lost that lovin’ feeling] Kim: “Maybe you could get in the bath?” Will: “Do I smell?” Kim: “No.” Will: “Those subtle hints you drop, Jesus Christ almighty. You don’t smell great yourself. You smell like onion soup. Like French onion soup.” Kim: “Aw, that sounds so good!” Will: “You look pretty.” Kim: “I feel like you just say that when I look the ugliest.” Will: “That’s when you need it the most.” (It Comes at Night, 2017)
6.) Detective Moss (Michole Briana White), looking at an artist’s rendering of her suspect, a conjoined twin/tumor growth thing: “So I’m putting out a BOLO on Sloth from The Goonies?” (Malignant, 2021)
5.) Orlock (Richard Brake), to his date: “Do you like rats?” Lily (Sheri Moon Zombie): “Of course, who doesn’t?” Orlock: “Oh, good good good good good! I have pictures of my fuzzy little nuggets!” Lily: “Oh. Somehow I’m not surprised.” [Thumbing through photographs] Orlock: “Hmm. Oh! This is Eric. He’s a naughty boy.” Lily: “Oh, he’s a cute little fella.” Orlock: “Oh! This is Steve. He’s a real cutup. Watch out for his hijinks!” Lily: [Getting steadily more bored] “Oh, yeah, he’s cute too.” Orlock: “Oh, this is Opie, but I call her Tubby. She likes to cuddle under my pillow.” Lily: “Uh-huh.” Orlock: “He likes to sit on my head…[Lily looks around the room in desperation, landing on a couple getting engaged] She likes to play hide and seek. She’s really big and fat. Roly-poly Jill. Pumpkin! Do you want to rub Pumpkin’s nose?” (The Munsters, 2022)
Eh it has its moments. It is a pleasant surprise to find that Lady Zombie can speak in a register below a squeal.
4.) [Kyle (Liam Hemsworth) has easily overtaken an intruder hiding in his closet]: “Give me your weapon.” Stranger (Jacob Zachar): “I don’t got one.” Kyle: “Someone that fights like you should have a weapon.” (Arkansas, 2020)
3.) Elizabeth (Rebecca Hall), to her partner Olive (Bella Heathcote): “Hi. [Olive kisses her] Sweetie, I’m late.” Olive: “I don’t care.” Elizabeth: “No, I’m late. I have to go. [Cut to Elizabeth on the phone] I’m just calling, because, uh, I woke up this morning, and I–I felt, um, terrible. I don’t think I’m gonna make it.” [Gets off the phone and kisses Olive] (Professor Marston and the Wonder Women, 2017)
2.) Teresa (Janelle Monáe), to Chiron (Alex R. Hibbert), whom she has taken under her wing: “Stop putting your head down in my house! You know my rule. It’s all love and pride in this house! Do you feel me? [Chiron nods] I can’t hear you. Do you feel me?” Chiron, quietly: “Yeah.” Teresa: “Okay.” Chiron [firmly] “I feel you.” (Moonlight, 2016)
This has no relation to the movie, but you need this song in your life
1.) Sook-hee (Kim Tae-ri), eyes on the floor: “I am at your service. Miss…[Sees Lady Hideko for the first time] [In voiceover] Bloody hell. He should’ve told me she was so pretty. I’m completely flummoxed.” (The Handmaiden, 2016)
This is not that scene, but yowza it’s a good one!
Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.
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GhoulieJoe 