Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part XXII

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part twenty-two. (And no, I had no idea how many of these I would write when I started in with the Roman numerals–I keep watching movies!) In no particular order:

25.) George (Shea Whigham) has just watched his teenage daughter, who recently revealed to him that she’s a superhero, step into a portal to another universe: “Parenting stuff is a big-ass mystery.” (Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse, 2023)

24.) Possessed Daniel (Otis Dhanji), to his girlfriend: “He hates when you touch him. You make him soft.” Hayley (Zoe Terakes): “Yo, this spirit’s a cunt.” (Talk to Me, 2022)

23.) [Max (Adam Sandler) has a magic sewing machine that allows him to impersonate the owner of shoes that he repairs, and one such owner is a corpse, making him look like a zombie] Kid: “Hey, Mister, you okay?” Max: “Huh?” Kid: “Don’t eat me! Please don’t eat me!” Max: “All right. All right. [Takes off a shoe, which returns him to his normal appearance] I’m not! I’m not gonna eat you! [Kid faints] Kid! Kid, wake up! I’m not gonna eat you!” (The Cobbler, 2014)

22.) Reggie (Marque Richardson): “Tell me, man, what’s harder? Being Black enough for the Black kids or Black enough for the white ones?” Lionel (Tyler James Williams): “Being neither.” (Dear White People, 2014)

21.) Charlie (Joel Edgerton), doing maths in order to start producing shoes durable enough for men dressed as women: “How much do you weigh?” Lola (Chiwetel Ejiofor), aghast: “The right amount!” (Kinky Boots, 2005)

20.) Jones (Jason Schwartzman) is auditioning for a role with playwright Conrad (Edward Norton): “It’s a fact, we’re not alone. The alien stole the asteroid. Long thought to be a lunar splinter fragmented from the lesser moon of the hypothetical planet Magnavox-27, now considered a rogue pygmy cometette, according to the encyclopedia. Obviously, she would’ve said something to him. I’m certain of it. Your mother, I mean. She would’ve gotten him to tell us the secrets of the universe or yelled at him or made him laugh. She would’ve had a hypothesis. You remind me of her more than ever. She wasn’t shy. You’ll grow out of that. I think your sisters might be aliens, too, by the way. When I met your mother, she was only 19. She was smoking a cigarette, reading a paperback, taking a bath in a swimsuit on a rusty fire escape a flight and a half below my camera position. Sometimes, I sometimes still think I still hear her here [points to temple] breathing in the dark. Who knows, Woodrow? Maybe she is in the stars.” [Conrad stares silently for a moment] “You’re perfect.” Jones: “Okay?” Conrad: “Okay.” [They kiss.] (Asteroid City, 2023)

19.) Chris (Sinclair Daniel), to her possessed friend: “Dalton, I know you’re in there. But if you touch me again, I’m gonna fuck you up.” (Insidious: The Red Door, 2023)

18.) [Talk show host Katherine (Emma Thompson) is debating with her boss]  Caroline (Amy Ryan): “Do you want to know who Jimmy Fallon had on last Tuesday when you had Doris Kearns Goodwin? Robert Downey Jr. They washed a sheepdog together. It was fucking glorious.” Katherine: “I’m sorry, Caroline. Should I have played giant Connect Four with her or perhaps sung a karaoke song on the back of a tandem bicycle? It’s Doris Kearns Goodwin. She’s a national treasure.” Caroline: “Agreed. I only wish she’d been an Avenger instead of writing books about Abraham Lincoln.” Katherine: “She could be an Avenger if she tried!” (Late Night, 2019)

17.) Amos (Blair Underwood), to his niece, who has scoffed at the study of Black folklore: “How does one group of people subjugate another?” Maxine (Michelle Hurd): “Uh, Amos…” Amos: “No, no, no. I’m just educating the girl. You subjugate a people by telling them their science is superstition, their faith is heresy, and their wisdom is make-believe.” (Bad Hair, 2020)

16.) Héctor (Gael García Bernal): “We really need to borrow your guitar.” Chicharrón (Edward James Olmos): “My guitar?” Héctor: “Yes.” Chicharrón: “My prized, beloved guitar?” Héctor: “I promise we’ll bring it right back.” Chicharrón: “Like the time you promised to bring back my van?” Héctor: “Uh…” Chicharrón: “Or my mini-fridge?” Héctor: “Ah, you see–” Chicharrón: “Or my good napkins? My lasso? My femur?!” (Coco, 2017)

15.) Voice on answering machine: “Miss Johnson, I hate to be the one to tell you this on an answering machine, but your fathers, they were killed by a pack of ninjas. But I just want you to know that they died as they lived. Gay and proud and defending your fair city. I hope this news doesn’t bring you to a life full of skateboarding and drinking and going down a path of evil.” (Black Holler, 2017)

14.) [Brad (Ben Stiller) has been rambling about his upper-middle-class-white-guy problems to Ananya (Shazi Raja)] Brad: “What…what is that look?” Ananya: “What?” Brad: “That…No, what are you thinking?” Ananya: “What am I thinking?” Brad: “Yeah, please, tell me.” Ananya: “Honestly, I’m thinking you’re really lucky. You’re 50 years old, and you still think that the world was made for you.” Brad: “Uh, I’m 47.” Ananya: “Do you even know poor people?” Brad: “Of course.” Ananya: “Okay, well, when I visit my mother’s family in Delhi, a lot of people out there only live on two dollars a day. They’re not complaining about being ignored at a dinner party. They’re happy they get dinner.”(Brad’s Status, 2017)

13.) Nick (Adam Sandler): “And, Inspector, we tried to start your car up, but, uh, couldn’t get it done, so we left it there.” Inspector Delacroix (Dany Boon): “What?” Nick: “We stole a Lamborghini. You can have that when we’re done with it.” Delacroix, content: “Okay.” (Murder Mystery 2, 2023)

12.) Sergio (Laia Costa): “Nima. Look at me. Look. You are so beautiful. You are so, so, so beautiful. Say it. Shout it. Shout it to the fucking moon.” Naima (Alia Shawkat): “I can’t!” Sergio: “Yeah, you can. Say it to her.” Naima: “And you have to say it with me.” Sergio: “Yeah.” [In unison] Naima: “I am so beautiful!” Sergio: “She is so beautiful! [Sergio, to the moon] Stop being jealous! Stop it!” (Duck Butter, 2018)

11.) Sadie (Maude Apatow), hitting puberty hard: “Mom, why can’t I get new clothes? What the fuck?! Nothing fits me! God damn it!” (This is 40, 2012)

10.) Curtis (Craig Robinson): “I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but one day, when you lighting the hip-hop world on fire, it’ll be because you have a unique perspective. And when you collecting all your Source Awards, you’ll thank me.” Morris (Markees Christmas): “Source Awards?” Curtis: “Mm-hmm.” Morris: “Is that as far as I get in your dreams?” Curtis: “All right. All right. You right.” Morris: “Can I get a Grammy or something?” Curtis: “Nobel Prize! How bout that? Thank me in that speech.” (Morris from America), 2016

9.) Sonia (Salma Hayek): “If you don’t help me, I am gonna put my strap-on on and I am gonna fuck your dreams until they wish they were your nightmares. [Shooting at attackers] Motherfuckers!” Bryce (Ryan Reynolds): “First of all, your mouth needs an exorcism.” (Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard, 2021)

8.) Young Woman (Jessie Buckley): “Everything has to die. That’s the truth. One likes to think that there is always hope. That you can live above death. And it’s a uniquely human fantasy that things will get better, born perhaps of the uniquely human understanding that things will not.” (I’m Thinking of Ending Things, 2020)

7.) [A group of high school students have been targeted by a killer] Scuba (Gabriel Davenport): “If it makes you feel better, you’ll be killed before you get suspended for plagiarism.” Gabby (Addison Rae): “Scuba. Don’t joke about that.” Scuba: “My bad, you’re right. Plagiarism’s serious.” (Thanksgiving, 2023)

6.) Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson): “You know what this is like? It’s like those old movies we both love. Now, I’m going to tell you my whole convoluted plan, and then I’m going to come up with some absurd and convoluted way to kill you, and you’ll find an equally convoluted way to escape.” Harry (Colin Firth): “Sounds good to me.” Valentine: “Well, this ain’t that kind of movie.” (Kingsman: The Secret Service, 2014)

5.) [It’s the rural South in the aftermath of WWII, and veteran Ronsel (Jason Mitchell) is being confronted by white dudes for using the front door of a general store] Pappy (Jonathan Banks): “You must be confused as to your whereabouts. Well, that explains why you’re tryin to leave by the front door.” Ronsel: “No, sir, I’m not confused at all.” Pappy: “Oh, I think you are, boy. I don’t know what they let you do over there, but you’re in Mississippi now, n*****. You use the back door.” Henry (Jason Clarke): “Go on, son. Son, we don’t want no trouble here. Go on.” Ronsel: “You know what? You’re absolutely right. When we was overseas, they didn’t make us use the back door. General Patton put us on the front line. Yes, sir. You know what we did? We kicked the hell out of Hitler and them Jerries. While ya’ll at home safe and sound.” (Mudbound, 2017)

4.) [It’s 1968, and a group of gay friends have gathered for a birthday party; they’re playing a game that involves calling the man they love and saying so] Hank (Tuc Watkins): “I’d like to leave a message.” Michael (Jim Parsons): “Oh, not in. One point.” Hank: “Would you say that Hank called? Yes, it is. Oh, good evening. How are you?” [Hank’s boyfriend] Larry (Andrew Rannells): “Who the hell is that?” Hank: “Yes, that’s right. The message is for my roommate, Larry. Just say that I called…” Larry: “It’s our answering service.” Hank: “…and said I love you.” Alan, Michael’s heterosexual roommate who wasn’t invited (Brian Hutchison): “Hank, are you crazy?” Hank: “You heard me correctly. That’s what I said. The message is for Larry. It’s from me, Hank, and it is just as I said. I love you.” (The Boys in the Band, 2020)

3.) Rei (Kiko Mizuhara), to her unrequited high school crush Nanae (Honami Satô): “You smile when you lie. And you look really cute when you do it. My entire life crumbles with just a single smile of yours!” (Kanojo, AKA Ride or Die, 2021)

2.) [Cassie (Carey Mulligan) has tricked and bound the man who sexually assaulted her best friend] Al (Christopher Lowell) “You know, I was affected by it too, okay? I mean, it’s every guy’s worst nightmare, getting accused like that.” Cassie: “Can you guess what every woman’s worst nightmare is?” (Promising Young Woman, 2020)

1.) Gabbie (Rosario Dawson), to her son Travis (Chase Dillon): “Pumpkin? What’s wrong?” Travis: “This place is haunted!” Gabbie: “All right, now hang on. Now, I know this place isn’t as warm as I had hoped. [A ghost, which Travis sees but Gabbie doesn’t, is creeping up] But, you know, I think we get some daylight in here, it’s gonna feel better. Hey, I’m gonna light a vanilla candle and it’s gonna be a game changer.” Travis: “Will it, though?” Gabbie: “Sweetie, I need you to give this place a chance. This is our home now. [Sees the ghost] Nah. We’re out.” (Haunted Mansion, 2023)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.