GhoulieJoe

‘The Darkroom’ (2006) is Fine the First Time, but Less So on Subsequent Viewings

Not to be confused with the 2013 film Darkroom. John Doe (Reed Diamond) is a guy with amnesia who has spent the last 15 years in a mental hospital after he was found by the side of the road with blood on his hands. Enter Dr. Allen (Ellie Cornell), a drug company rep who’s testing a possible cure for amnesia. When it fails, John escapes and befriends lonely teenager Stan (Shawn Pyfrom). Meanwhile, John is having flashbacks of a monster and bloody chains, and he wonders what horrible things he might have done. Further meanwhile, Stan’s alcoholic mother (Lucy Lawless) and abusive stepfather (Greg Grunberg) have mysteries of their own.

The first time I saw The Darkroom I loved it. I loved the cast (how can you not enjoy the sci-fi/fantasy dream marriage of Xena and Matt Parkman?) I loved the twist, and I loved the story. On my second viewing, I was a little embarrassed I didn’t see the twist coming, and I noticed plot holes you could drive a truck through. One of my favorites is the convenient dumpster John finds that’s full of clean clothes. (But really the biggest plot hole is how anyone could cheat on Lucy Lawless.) The special effects are also terrible.

Not a lot of stills from this movie online…

On the plus side, Grunberg is creepy yet smarmy. The main actors are good as well. The cinematography is surprisingly lovely; for example when John leaves the hospital, the outside world is lit with warm golden sunshine. The filmmakers also create the interesting allegory that our minds are a darkroom. There are a few one-liners but some tasteful humor.

Give it a look if you’re in the mood for blood, nudity, and lapse of reason. It’s pretty cheesy, but it’s mighty entertaining.

‘The Crow’: Maybe it’s Nostalgia Talking, but the Film is Haunting and Memorable

Metal singer Eric (Brandon Lee) and his fiancée Shelly (Sofia Shinas) are brutally murdered in their home by a gang of thugs. But, as legend goes, “when someone dies a crow carries their soul to the land of the dead. But sometimes something so bad happens that a terrible sadness is carried with them and the soul can’t rest. Then sometimes—just sometimes—the crow can bring that soul back to put the wrong things right.” A year later one such crow brings Eric back from the grave, fresh as a daisy, to get revenge. But the dimwitted henchmen are only the start. Aided by police officer Albrecht (Ernie Hudson), he sets out to take down Top Dollar (Michael Wincott), the man who ordered the murders.

The Crow is famous for Brandon Lee dying while filming. Somehow the filmmakers seamlessly finished it without him (though there are some scenes when Eric stands in his old apartment and plays guitar that look suspiciously like filler material). More important to me in the film is the beautiful cinematography, great soundtrack, and solid writing (it was penned by David J. Schow and horror writer John Shirley).

crow4 — “This took me hours, but it’s totally worth the limited time I have to be back from the dead, because the bad guys will totally know it’s a message from me even though they have no reason to associate me with crows!”

Pretty much my only gripe with the movie is that of the four minor-league thugs working for Top Dollar that Eric kills, the Black guy dies first—cliché! Of the four, he was also the most interesting–he was Knife-throwing Guy while the others were Likes Cars Guy, Junkie Guy, and Nothing to Distinguish Him Guy. I am a little puzzled by some of the language used in the movie; it’s rated R, but characters still say things like “ass-head” and “What the crap?” (A warning: no matter how many times G4 airs it, don’t watch this on T.V.; phrases like “I feel like a little worm on a big fucking hook” turn into “big fishing hook”).

You know, the super white face for a guy whose dad was Chinese is pretty disconcerting, too

On the whole, it’s accessible to different crowds. For action fans, it stars Bruce Lee’s son and has lots of fight scenes, one-liners (tolerable ones), and explosions. For horror fans, there’s a dark tone, gory murders, Tony Todd, and Ling Bai. I recommend it especially to newly hatched emo kids–start here, and learn much.

‘Coraline’: Stop-Motion is Just About Guaranteed to be Unsettling

Stop-motion film, directed by Henry Selick. Coraline (Dakota Fanning) has just moved into a new apartment building, and is perpetually bored. Her workaholic parents (Teri Hatcher and John Hodgman) have no time for her, and are generally annoyed at her presence. She discovers a new world inside a wall, a whimsical place where flowers tickle people and there’s an alternate version of everyone she knows—except they have creepy button eyes. However, she enjoys this world, as her Other parents pay attention to her and cook her favorite foods. But if she wants to stay, she needs to have buttons, too. As Coraline, ever the nonconformist, rebels against her Other Mother, she finds a horrifying reality under the pleasant facade.

I give this movie high marks for many things, but pacing is not one of them. It starts out very slowly, taking quite a while to establish the characters. Not that it’s boring—it just makes you wait for the creepiness to follow. Actually, it may be a little too creepy for the very young ones at times. For example the scene when the Other version of Coraline’s friend Wybie has his mouth sewn up into a smile because he made a sad face.

Besides the scary parts, there are a few lewd touches. Coraline’s neighbors are two elderly ladies who used to perform in bawdy shows; their Other selves still do. In one scene, Miss Forcible (Dawn French), who has boobs bigger than her head, is wearing nothing but a thong and pasties. (My friend Paula put this on for her four-year-old son and left the room; she returned and thought he was watching a different movie.) If all that doesn’t bother you, you may find after watching that your children appreciate you more—it’s hard to be a worse parent than Other Mother.

I also appreciate the strength of the female main characters. Coraline is brave and adventurous and works as a team with Wybie without being saved by him. Meanwhile, Other Mother is all-powerful. When this came out in theatres, I couldn’t wait to see it. But wait I ended up doing, until recently. Now I can’t wait to see it again. Check it out with the little ones, though you might want to skip the pasties scene.

‘Club Dread’ is a Sly Slasher Spoof

Sun. Sand. Fruity drinks. Murder! Pleasure Island, Costa Rica, is home to Coconut Pete’s Coconut Beach Resort, which is dedicated to decadence. Unfortunately, someone is running around killing off the staff. Further unfortunately, there are no boats, phones, or radios, so everyone is trapped. It’s up masseur Lars (co-writer Kevin Heffernan), aerobics instructor Jenny (Brittany Daniel), water sports guy Juan (co-writer Steve Lemme), D.J. Dave (co-writer Paul Soter), tennis instructor Putman (director and co-writer Jay Chandrasekhar), Fun Police Sam (co-writer Erik Stolhanske), and owner/Jimmy Buffett wannabe Coconut Pete (Bill Paxton) to find the culprit that’s ruining their good time—without letting on to the guests that anything is amiss.

It’s a parody of slashers by Broken Lizard that manages to use the genre’s conventions (like gory deaths and an unkillable villain) while remaining a fairly original piece of work. It makes visual references to Jaws and Friday the 13th, but other than that, there doesn’t seem to be any specific movie being parodied. It’s pretty clever; what better setting for a slasher (where partying people are often punished by death) than a place devoted to debauchery? It’s also a place that can easily become isolated, guaranteeing the conditions that allow for serial killing. There’s even a Mayan burial ground to tempt naughty employees to drink and have sex and then be murdered.

cd4 — Look, it’s not just the women who are scantily clad!

It’s not always funny, but very entertaining. My favorite quote comes from Dave, referring to Putman’s unruly and comically fake dreadlocks: “Am I the only one who thinks his head looks like an octopus?” The characters are quirky and likable, even Jenny, despite half of her dialogue consisting of “Oh, God!” It’s just plain fun. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for horror satire done right.

‘Dead Waves’ is Creepy, Thoughtful, and Occasionally Hilarious

Japanese movie, AKA Shiryôha. Usui is the director of a popular supernatural TV show called Spirit Sightings. He is contacted by Tsuyoshi, who wants his apparently possessed sister Runa to get a free televised exorcism. Runa is opposed to the idea, and for good reason: the dead waves, which are “Radio waves believed to harbor paranormal attributes. They are carried primarily over television signals…and can have extremely baneful effects on some viewers” (like a high rate of suicides). The exorcism fails, and Tsuyoshi, not the most level-headed guy to begin with, goes berserk.

Something that shows through regularly in Dead Waves is that TV is bad, and that it has more presence in our lives than it should. Aside from the dead waves, there are the greedy TV execs and their all-important ratings: “At 20 percent, we go to Hot Springs.” They don’t care about anyone but themselves; they deal in “exploiting the mentally ill” and change reality to make better watching: “We’ll let our writers spruce up her story.” Then there’s Tsuyoshi putting Runa in a TV and telling Usui to “watch TV until you die.” Death is even symbolized by a test pattern.

dw1 — As you can see, there are very few images from the movie online

There are a few eerie moments, particularly during Runa’s exorcism, when it’s revealed that creepy squirmy ghostie things are grabbing Tsuyoshi and Runa. The acting is competent for the most part, though the actor who plays Tsuyoshi goes a bit overboard. The makeup is good, and the movie is pretty original. However, what stuck with me most when I first saw the movie five years ago was that when Usui is afraid he gives high-pitched squeals of terror most unbecoming to a Japanese gentleman. I was watching it with my sisters, and we all laughed hysterically.

Overall, it’s worth a watch if you can find it, but it’s pretty obscure. IMDb doesn’t have a list of characters to go with the actors, which is why I didn’t include any of the cast’s names. I couldn’t even locate a trailer on YouTube–a clip was the best I could do.

‘The Dead Hate the Living!’ is a Delight for Hardcore Horror Fans

David Poe (Eric Clawson) is a director making a low-budget zombie movie in an abandoned hospital. He and his crew: makeup guy and best friend Paul (Brett Beardslee), leading ladies (who are also his sisters) Nina (Kimberly Pullis) and Shelly (Wendy Speake), leading man Eric (Benjamin P. Morris), production assistant Topaz (Jamie Donahue), extra Marcus (Rick Irwin), and cameraman Chas (David Douglas) are menaced by real zombies after finding (and trying to use in the movie) the corpse of a mad scientist. The guy was trying to bring his deceased wife back to life and ended up as just an unusually smart zombie with an army of the undead. It’s up to David and company to stop him before he ruins the movie.

I first saw The Dead Hate the Living! ten years ago, and hated it. I was curious whether I’d like it better now that I’m older and have a few film classes under my belt. When I realized it was made by Full Moon Pictures, I inwardly groaned; that company is responsible for a slew of low-budget movies, some terrible. But I found myself liking the film this time.

There’s a fairly large cast of main characters, but they’re introduced slowly and are easy to tell apart. They’re pretty likable too, except for supremely evil Nina. The acting is surprisingly decent for a low budget film. The special effects are crappy, but fortunately the filmmakers mostly rely on makeup, which they’re much better at. The script is somewhat original—it’s a neat little movie within a movie. I enjoy how it plays with horror movie clichés but doesn’t drown the movie in them, trying to make it into a spoof. It’s like a love song to horror fans, with its constant references to famous horror makers; in an hour and a half it manages to allude to Lucio Fulci, George Romero, Sam Raimi, John Carpenter, Bruce Campbell, Mary Shelley, and Edgar Allen Poe.

It’s not quite a horror comedy, but it has its funny moments. My favorite quote is when Topaz, against David’s wishes, tries to reason with a zombie and find out what it wants; it conveys in zombiespeak that it and its brethren want to kill people. David snaps, “See? I told you, that’s all they ever want!” I’m also amused at how the romantic subplot between David and Topaz is downplayed in favor of the relationship between David and Paul. While they’re not an actual item, they’re extremely close, and have a tendency to nuzzle each other. David doesn’t kiss Topaz (besides a peck to manipulate her) until after Paul is incapacitated. It’s really too bad—David and Paul make a much cuter couple.

The only problem I have with the movie is the wildly unrealistic scene when Topaz, purchasing for the movie, buys hemorrhoid cream, an armload of junk food, and eight boxes of condoms—all for $33.69! That’s both unrealistic and possibly a cheap sex joke. But overall, it’s humorous and clever. Watch for a brief appearance by Sharknado director Anthony C. Ferrante as a store customer.

‘Dead Alive’ AKA ‘Braindead’ is a Disgustingly Good Time

New Zealand, 1954. The Sumatran Rat Monkey has just been acquired by a zoo; too bad it’s infected with a nasty disease that makes people rabid. Largely affected by this is kindly Lionel (Timothy Balme), whose mum Vera (Elizabeth Moody) is bitten and becomes (for lack of a better word) a zombie. She bites other people, and before long Lionel has a basement full of creatures. Meanwhile, comely Paquita (Diana Peñalver) wants to be his love interest. Together they and Lionel’s sleazy uncle Les (Ian Watkin) (who throws a party, eventually leaving Lionel with a houseful of zombies) take a stand to survive.

Dead Alive, along with being directed by a young Peter Jackson, is well-known for being extremely gory and disgusting. We’re talking a squashed rat monkey head, dismembered limbs, a ribcage pulled out of its moorings, a face ripped off, and altogether too much pus. There’s also the most famous scene, when Lionel dispatches zombie partygoers with an upturned lawnmower. My notes read, “Gore lets up before it gets too overwhelming,” but after reading a page of scribblings mostly devoted to keeping track of the grotesqueries, I doubt my own words. Dog lovers be warned: one scene makes light of Vera eating Paquita‘s dog—most of it, anyway.

There is actually quite a bit of humor in the film. While turning into a monster, Vera is absolutely unflappable, even while eating her own ear. My favorite moment is when Lionel has Vera and three other unfortunates seated around the dinner table. One woman, whose head is held on by a scrap of tissue, is trying to eat, but everything keeps sliding back out. Then there’s the punk who can’t grasp eating with a spoon—it gets shoved into the lining of his throat. Always the devoted son, Lionel deals with the whole matter imperturbably; his first attempt to deal with the zombies is a suit of armor and a jumbo bottle of tranquilizer.

de3 — “I kick ass for the Lord!”–actual quote

The film does manage to be thought-provoking at times. I can’t help but appreciate the sheer creativity behind some of the violence, for example the woman who gets stuck on a light fixture and glows like a jack-o-lantern. And aside from the goop and blood, there does seem to be a subtle undertone about the dangers of racism: the person who‘s responsible for the whole Rat Monkey mess is a white guy who stole the thing from Sumatran natives. Vera flips out about Lionel being with Paquita moments before the rat monkey bites her. Then again, the stereotypical depiction of the Sumatrans and of Paquita’s family, who are supposed to be Latinx, is pretty offensive.

I felt bad for my brother Jeremy, who had sat down on the couch to eat his lunch during my last viewing of the film—not something I recommend. But do give it a glance while you’re not eating if you’re in the mood for something violent yet lighthearted.

‘Darkness Falls’: A Little Creepy and a Little Crappy

In Darkness Falls (most depressing town name ever) the children have to be careful upon losing their last baby tooth; the ghost of Matilda Dixon (Antony Burrows)—AKA the Tooth Fairy—will come to collect it, and if her face is seen, it means certain doom. The only way to keep her at bay is with light. (Long story short, 150 years ago she gave kids money for their teeth, her face was burned in a fire, causing her to wear a mask and be sensitive to light, and she was blamed for the disappearance of two children, prompting the townspeople to hang her, and she cursed the town.) Back in the present, Kyle (the late Chaney Kley), whose mother was killed by the Fairy, leaving him to be framed for it (irony!) returns to Darkness Falls, lugging his bag o’ flashlights and anti-psychotic pills. Seems his old friend Caitlin (Emma Caulfield Ford), whose little brother Michael (Lee Cormie) has just lost his last baby tooth, needs help. During a town-wide blackout it’s up to them to send Matilda packing for good.

df4 — N-eyes picture! Ah, there’s nothing cornea than eye puns.

The plot is somewhat original, the special effects are fairly good, and the performances are decent. Matilda, not being overly CGI’d, is even rather creepy, especially during the scene when she’s haunting young Kyle (though of course she’s played by a dude). After Kyle finds his mother’s body, he hides in the bathtub with the lights on. The camera pans out the window to show the Tooth Fairy screeching on the roof, waiting for him.

However, what makes the movie hard to take seriously are the one-liners, which range from cheesy (“We stay in the light, we stay alive”) to terrible (“I see you, bitch!”).

(Though I have to admit I like Kyle’s nonchalant response to the question, “Are you crazy?” “Yeah. A little bit.”) On a personal level, I also have a hard time empathizing with the characters; I just don’t like or care about them—they all annoy me.

Hence, the things I dislike about the movie tend to outweigh the things I appreciate. However, I last watched this right after Boogeyman, which is quite similar, and while it’s not saying much, this film is superior. I saw this first in the theatre with my friend Stacy, who hates horror movies; we must have been bored that weekend. She was duly unimpressed. But if you’re a horror fan, give it at least a passing glance. Watch for Emily Browning as Young Caitlin and Angus Sampson as Ray.

‘Da Hip Hop Witch’ is a Baffling but Somewhat Entertaining Parody of ‘The Blair Witch Project’

2000 spoof of The Blair Witch Project. The “Black Witch of the Projects” is an angry spirit who tends to attack rappers, including Ja Rule, Eminem, Rah Digga, and Vanilla Ice (who play themselves). She seems more of a nuisance than anything, as every victim lives to tell his or her story about the incident. Meanwhile, wannabe reporter Dee Dee (Stacii Jae Johnson) is determined to find the truth about the witch, and five white kids from the suburbs (including director and writer of the film Dale Resteghini) plan to catch her for the reward money.

It’s filmed basically the same as The Blair Witch Project—it’s shot on hand-held cameras, with the actors ad-libbing their lines. At least I hope they’re ad-libbed, with dialogue like, “Stay away from the hairy bitch-witch.” Also, no one can seem to give a consistent answer about what she looks like (some say ugly, some beautiful), her features (some say she’s green and black, or has 20-inch feet), or what she does—Eminem, for example, gives a soliloquy about how she tried to stick her finger up his butt. It’s low budget, and the performances are underwhelming to say the least, particularly by the rappers. But my main gripe is the antsy camera—very short shots, with lots of fast panning. It even swerves sideways and upside down. I didn’t experience any nausea myself, but I could see some people (like those made sick by The Blair Witch Project’s shaky camera-work) being affected that way.

da2 — “Don’t fuck with the fucking witch, man! Don’t fuck with the fucking witch!”–actual quote

Something interesting about the movie is that it might be construed to reflect the misogyny so prevalent in rap music. The witch is powerful and fearsome, and to some of the victims, sexually desirable. Hence, the word “bitch” is thrown around constantly, and is probably used to describe the antagonist as much as “witch.” I’m not sure the filmmakers had the wherewithal to have done this on purpose; it’s probably just a happy coincidence. It’s called a Black horror by some, but as mentioned, the writer/director is white, and almost all the publicity centers around Eminem. Below: the exactly two images from the movie online that aren’t of a blonde white guy.

I first watched the movie hoping it would be funny—it sounds like an amusing premise to me. But the only part that made me laugh is when a character who is always riding around on his bike shouting, “She’s coming!” is finally questioned as to whom he’s talking about. He replies, “She’s coming! My mama’s coming!” If you’re looking for something unconventional and ghetto-ish rather than gory (and nowhere near funny), check this one out, and stick around for the twist ending.

1986’s ‘The Wraith’: Nice Cars, Cool Explosions, and Charlie Sheen

Packard (Nick Cassavetes) is a mean guy who likes to race teenagers for pink slips, cheating when he’s going to lose. He and his gang of punks: preppie guy Minty (Chris Nash), bandanna-wearing Oggie (Griffin O’Neal), high-pitched Gutterboy (Jamie Bozian), referee RUghead (Clint Howard), and Skank (David Sherrill), who’s always drinking random hazardous stuff, find Packard’s sort-of girlfriend Keri (Sherilyn Fenn) in bed with another guy, and kill him. But he gets a second chance, and is reborn as ghostly Jake (Charlie Sheen), who one by one races and kills each member of the gang—all while rekindling his romance with Keri. However, Packard won’t go down without a fight.

wr2 — I swear he’s a ghost and not an astronaut

It’s not classified as a horror movie, but it’s a pretty grim premise, with some gruesome details like the dead guys’ eyes being burned out of their sockets. The film has its roots in action movies, hence the many car chases and violence, but little gore.

wr3 — “Whoa, this car is like totally choice. We should race for it.” “Cheeuh! Not even! Your grody bod needs to bounce!”

I do have some gripes. Jake is the only tolerable character. Everyone else is either annoying and whiny or unrealistically evil. Keri is particularly insufferable, as Fenn has yet to come into her own as an actor. Cassavetes is a bit painful to watch, as he is just too good for this movie. Even Sheen looks a little embarrassed to be there. You gotta love Randy Quaid as the sheriff, delivering such terrible dialogue with such conviction.

wr4 — “Well, you listen good, Skank. I know it’s gonna be hard with your melon on chemical overload, but there’s a killer out there and I’m gonna track the hairball down. So, when you two crater-heads get finished mining for nose gold and you get a relapse of memory, you let me know, huh? I’m just a phone call away.” –actual quote

I love the 80s. The synth pop soundtrack (I’ll be honest, I shelled out $50 to get it on CD), Skank’s mohawk and pastel eye shadow, Charlie Sheen before he was a joke. I recently made my husband watch the movie because it was one of my favorites as a kid. I was chagrined at the terrible special effects and multiple plot inconsistencies like these weird metal rods that appear and disappear every time one of Packard’s boys dies. But overall it’s fun. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something shallow, cheesy, and not too original.